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  • sat·ire | (/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/) | noun
    the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

    I Will Give Carlos Correa This $10 Bill If He Signs with Minnesota

    RandBalls Stu

    By RandBalls Stu

    It’s a little something I like to call capitalism. Deal with it, haters.

    Image courtesy of Unsplash/Ryan Quintal

    Twins Video

    I take the Green Line to work every day between the Twin Cities. Light rail gets a bad rap from guys in Elk River who think cowering in fear of Minneapolis is something to brag about, but it’s 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, and I can listen to podcasts about war or baseball.

    Recently, while waiting for my train at the Prospect Park station, something caught my eye. Was it a food wrapper? No. An empty tallboy? No. It was a by god $10 bill. I picked it up, put it in my pocket, and tried to think of something I could do with it. As tempting as a fistful of Beef-and-Chedds from Arby’s is, this is found money. I do OK, it should go to a good cause.

    In the end, there was only one right answer.

    Carlos Correa , if you return to the Minnesota Twins, I will give you ten American dollars.

    Now, I’m aware that your asking price is quite a bit steeper. I’ve read the interviews with Scott Boras and the copious hot stove analyses that say Minnesota is in play, but still an unlikely destination for your long-term services.

    One thing I’ve also noticed: not a single GD one of them mentions paper money. This $10 bill I found? Cold hard cash. By the time you get to the end of this sentence, it’ll be worth more than every crypto scam and Twitter combined. And I’m telling you right now: You can have it. Just sign with the Twins.

    I’ve watched enough bad shortstops over the years to know that your services are needed, especially with Royce Lewis’ health in question. The Boy Geniuses clearly agree and have already put together a competitive offer for your services. I’m putting $10 on top of what they’re already prepared to give you. Talk to Boras. Mull it over with your family. Take some time. I think you’ll agree this offer is fair, sound, and selfless.

    I thank you for your consideration. (We can do the handoff at Arby's, too. First Beef-and-Chedd? On me.)

    Regards,

    Stu

    Steve "Stu" Neuman. Local copywriter, husband, father of two, inventor of the atomic bomb.
    Follow RandBalls Stu on Twitter: RandBallsStu

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    Dave The Dastardly

    Dave The Dastardly 3,384

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    I've got a jar full of fake silver coins; you know, US mint quarters, dimes and nickels I'll throw in on the Correa deal since they're no longer accepted as legal tender at Fleet Farm, which is no longer "fleet" (took awhile to get checked out) and they're not much into "farm" either. But they do have a large selection of potato chips and peanuts though. "Plow Through Our Chips" is their new farm motto. Anyway, there was this sign on the checkout counter "Please use your plastic to pay for your items as we don't have any coins to make change."

    What's the country coming to when its own coinages of the realm are no longer legal tender? I suppose partly because you can't even get a Salted Nut Roll anymore without forking over a $2 bill so what do you do with coins? Put 'em in a sock and carry 'em around like a sap? So I'll up the ante for Correa with my coinage. Maybe Correa can drill out his bats and stuff 'em full of coins. You know, since MLB deflated their baseballs and spindly grandmothers can no longer hit moonshot homeruns. Ought to add a couple of points to his OPS.

    But if he ain't into jimmying his bat, there's gotta be ten bucks in my coin jar. Enough to get Correa a couple two-three bags of chips at Fleet. He can split the take with Boras.

    Let the chips fall where they may.

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    Datwinsdude

    Datwinsdude 30

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    I'm upping the ante here.  My grandma used to give me a $20 bill on my birthday.  I am donating the last one she game me to the Carlos Correa fund.  A great player and a great clubhouse leader is worth the obscene contract and the $20.  Come back Carlos!  

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    BobAzar

    BobAzar 568

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    3 hours ago, Datwinsdude said:

    I'm upping the ante here.  My grandma used to give me a $20 bill on my birthday.  I am donating the last one she game me to the Carlos Correa fund.  A great player and a great clubhouse leader is worth the obscene contract and the $20.  Come back Carlos!  

    Woah! look at Uncle Moneybags over here!

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    SkyBlueWaters

    SkyBlueWaters 240

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    Carlos claims he likes Minnesota. Carlos says he'd prefer to stay. But does he understand us in our deep winter non-title-winning blues? If we offer him a hockey stick decoupaged with $10 bills, sitting in a trashcan full, completely full, brothers, with $20 bills, which he can whack to his hearts' delight, to signal his joy (or which pitch is coming) will he grok the full Minnesota experience? 

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    IndianaTwin

    IndianaTwin 6,543

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    Not sure if a Beef & Chedd will do it, now that they’ve added that brisket sandwich with the bacon and onion straws. 
     

    If either of those do it AND they’d bring the Orange Cream shake back, all would be good. 

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    sampleSizeOfOne

    sampleSizeOfOne 13,517

  • Old-Timey Member

    • Posted

    2 hours ago, IndianaTwin said:

    Not sure if a Beef & Chedd will do it, now that they’ve added that brisket sandwich with the bacon and onion straws. 
     

    If either of those do it AND they’d bring the Orange Cream shake back, all would be good. 

    Personally, i miss the spicy sauce on 2x gyros...

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    sampleSizeOfOne

    sampleSizeOfOne 13,517

  • Old-Timey Member

    • Posted

    And personally, i was trying to think of making an offer he can't refuse... Probably because he never hears it, but alternatively by clever use of paradox, as in please indicate acceptance of this offer by refusing this offer, or refusing to respond to this offer.

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