Yoke

The early talk of Minnesota Twins spring training is not the return of Kenta Maeda or the leg of Carlos Correa, but rather the blistering start from Edouard Julien. The infield prospect put a bow on the chatter by belting two home runs against Atlanta in Tuesday’s 10-7 pretend game victory.
Jason Kornhaber is already mad about it.
“Edmond [sic] is a monster talent,” said Kornhaber, who found out about Julien’s existence on Friday, February 24th, when two-time Jeopardy! also-ran Do-Hyoung Park interviewed him for MLB.com. “It’s unconscionable that this team would hold him back. Are they playing to win or playing with Edwin [sic] ’s service time?”
Julien, an 18th-round pick out of Auburn in 2019, led the minor leagues with 208 walks over the last two seasons. This is just one of the recently acquired facts that Kornhaber has marshaled in Julien’s defense despite not knowing his entire name yet.
“Juilliard [sic] is a generational talent, and the Twins are throwing it away,” said the Farmington beekeeper. Per sources close to Kornhaber, he has also said this about Kohl Stewart, Alex Burnett, Michael Restovich, Deolis Guerra, Anthony Slama, and Matt Moses. In addition, a former roommate said Kornhaber vowed to get a tattoo of MTV’s Dan Cortese on his thigh if J.D. Durbin didn’t record a 20-win season. Durbin finished his MLB career with six total wins. Kornhaber denied the story.
“He’s going to lead Team Canada to a World Baseball Classic title and come back to Fort Myers with a ticket to (home of Twins Triple-A affiliate) St. Paul,” claimed Kornhaber, who discovered Julien’s nationality on Monday.
The Twins have made no indication on their plans for Julien in 2023, but Kornhaber’s anger is already at a fever pitch not seen since his misguided advocacy for Joe Webb as the Minnesota Vikings quarterback of the future.
“I can’t believe they’re doing this to Erwin [sic],” said Kornhaber.

When the offseason began, there were two certainties: The Twins would move heaven and earth to get Carlos Correa back, and Max Kepler was going to be traded.
Through a wild series of events, Correa is back in Minnesota for a while. However, that second certainty? At this writing, it’s uncertain at best.
“Spring Training is two weeks away and Max (Kepler, Twins outfielder) is still here,” said Twins outfielder Trevor Larnach. “We sort of removed him from all of our group chats. It’s weird.”
The signing of fellow lefthanded corner outfielder Joey Gallo seemed to signal that Kepler’s time as a Twin was nearing an end. The trade for Michael A. Taylor seemed to put an exclamation point to it.
And yet.
“I sort of moved my stuff into his locker at Target Field,” said Larnach. “It’s going to be awkward already when we start texting him out of the blue about Fort Myers restaurants and agreeing he’s right about how great German chocolate is. We get it, bro, you’re from Germany. The locker is harder to explain.”
Fellow outfielder Byron Buxton agrees that it’s going to take a little finesse.
“We all kind of thought he was gone,” said Buxton. “And he doesn’t quite have a handle on how we use emojis here, so if we welcome him back with the wrong one, it could get sideways. The ‘cry laughing’ one means something so disturbing where he’s from that he didn’t talk to (Ryan) Jeffers for two months.”
Larnach was asked if Kepler might be open to bargaining.
“I just read some Grimm’s Fairy Tales to acquaint myself with his culture,” said Larnach. “These stories are messed up. The Godfather Death ruins harvests and the Three Nymphs of the Black Forest steal your soul and your maiden fair. I don’t know what a maiden fair even is. Maybe I should just buy him a car?”
 

It may seem like just yesterday that Joe Mauer donned his catching equipment one last time before saying farewell to a roaring Target Field crowd. But it’s now been five years since his 2018 retirement, meaning the lifelong Twin is eligible for Baseball’s Hall of Fame.
And for the most miserable bastards in Minnesota, it couldn’t come soon enough.
“As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve missed him since he retired,” said Tom Hanson, 58. The Anoka resident and classic North Metro redass has been banned from every social media website ever created. “He’s the worst baseball player I’ve ever seen and he should be in jail for stealing money from hard-working Minnesotans. But all the same, I’ve missed sending angry emails about him to our bought-and-paid-for local media shills.”
Hanson, who is no longer welcome in the IHOP family of breakfast restaurants, foresees a multi-year campaign against the former American League MVP.
“The first year, I expect the baseball writers to step up and keep him out because they do that to good players, too,” said Hanson. “Patriots will do the heavy lifting after that. A sustained barrage of complaints to talk radio, comments left in newspaper comment sections, skywriting. My stepson who no longer talks to me does raps on the internet, it would be nice to bring him into the fold if (ex-fourth wife) Bonnie would quit being such a [INCREDIBLY VILE EXPLETIVE].”
Hanson isn’t alone.
“All I know is players used to play hurt or they didn’t play,” said Bruce Schafer, 62, of Dayton. “Mauer didn’t even play when he was healthy and now the woke mob wants me to act like he’s a Hall of Famer? Hell no.”
Schafer, who frequently shares inaccurate stories about vaccine efficacy and Barack Obama’s long-form birth certificate on Facebook, said the opportunity to set the record straight about the three-time batting champ is one he welcomes.
“This is like Christmas and the 4th of July all in one,” said the unloved man. “There are kids out there who’ve never heard the term ‘bilateral leg weakness’ used to mock someone with a brain injury. Just another example of cancel culture going too far.”

The shocking return of Carlos Correa and the circumstances surrounding it are THE topic of conversation in Twins Territory. Except for one irritating man.
“Maybe it’s just me, but I guess I want to see how A.J. Alexy fits in to the team’s bullpen plans for 2023,” said Xander Greene, a 29-year-old systems analyst from Minneapolis. “It’s a pretty obscure transaction, you probably haven’t heard of it.”
The Twins acquired Alexy, 24, from the Nationals in exchange for fellow righthander Christian Jimenez, mere hours before the Correa bombshell. And it’s all Greene wants to talk about.
“I mean, everyone wants to talk about Correa’s leg and how his contract is structured,” sneered Greene, who will tell you he doesn’t own a television even if you don’t ask. “I guess I’m just built different. The bullpen is pretty important and the Twins had a bad one last year.”
Greene, who brings a typewriter to the coffee shop because apparently that’s a thing, says he’s barely read about the Correa signing.
“Is it a long-term deal,” asked the grown man with a pocket watch. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t regret not having a smartphone, but I can see its utility for queries like this.
“What I can tell you is that Alexy’s control problems are probably why the Twins were able to get him for an 18-year-old (Jimenez) who still plays in the Dominican Republic. The risk was worth taking if the team can fix him, he has the stuff to be in the discussion for high-leverage work. But nobody wants to talk about that, they just want to talk about the same old, same old.”
While putting a new cassette in his Walkman, Greene had one more thing to add.
“Did anyone know they DFA’d Kyle Garlick on Wednesday? I could talk for 25 minutes about how he destroys left-handed pitching and would be a great fit in, say, Toronto. But I guess everyone wants to talk about the new old shortstop. That’s fine. It’s fine.”
Greene got on his unicycle and pedaled away.
 

With the calendar reading 2023, it’s hard not to think of spring training. And with a free agent class essentially picked clean and the trade rumors silent, it’s hard not to wonder who, exactly, is going to be on the Minnesota Twins come April. At least one source has run the numbers and is startled at the findings.
“Usually, I base these outlooks on the current roster, the farm system, free agents, the needs of other teams, and payroll,” said Aaron Gleeman, The Athletic’s Minnesota Twins correspondent and world record holder for most takeout duck sauce packets in one refrigerator (354). “The thing is, what always comes back is a major league roster. This time…”
Gleeman’s voice trailed off.
“Here, I’ll open the spreadsheet.”
Rather than columns of names, positions, ages, and salaries, the screen cut to black, a black as eternal and smothering as a starless winter night. From the laptop speakers came what at first sounded like a low moan. It soon escalated into a mournful, broken howl. The sound, not quite human, not quite animal, made clear it was no stranger to the depths of sorrow.
After 25-30 seconds, the sound ended. A picture of former Twin Chuck Knoblauch getting pelted with hot dogs at the Metrodome appeared, and Twins radio broadcaster Dan Gladden said, “This roster projection brought to you by Minnesota Rusco, since 1965.”
“I can’t explain any of this,” said Gleeman. “I mean, I’m as skeptical of the state of the roster right now as anyone, but I just kinda figured it would come back with Michael Wacha and Elvis Andrus or something, you know? The machine doesn’t usually do this.”
Fellow beat writers and columnists report similar troubling results.
“I had to file my first spring training preview for Sunday’s paper,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “I sent it to my editors, and they said, ‘Ha ha, very funny.’ I asked them to clarify, and they said ‘This is the Book of Revelations, Phil.’ I checked the original document, and sure enough. Nothing about what I wrote on Royce Lewis, but a whole sidebar regarding pestilence.”
“I heard about Aaron’s issue so figured I’d just take a look at my own files,” said Betsy Helfand of the Pioneer Press. “All my notes are there, but they’re in Latin. The letters are blood red. I don’t know any Latin, and Alden Global Capital (the hedge fund that owns the Pioneer Press) doesn’t give us laptops that display color.”
The Twins open their spring training schedule on Saturday, February 25th.

I take the Green Line to work every day between the Twin Cities. Light rail gets a bad rap from guys in Elk River who think cowering in fear of Minneapolis is something to brag about, but it’s 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, and I can listen to podcasts about war or baseball.
Recently, while waiting for my train at the Prospect Park station, something caught my eye. Was it a food wrapper? No. An empty tallboy? No. It was a by god $10 bill. I picked it up, put it in my pocket, and tried to think of something I could do with it. As tempting as a fistful of Beef-and-Chedds from Arby’s is, this is found money. I do OK, it should go to a good cause.
In the end, there was only one right answer.
Carlos Correa , if you return to the Minnesota Twins, I will give you ten American dollars.
Now, I’m aware that your asking price is quite a bit steeper. I’ve read the interviews with Scott Boras and the copious hot stove analyses that say Minnesota is in play, but still an unlikely destination for your long-term services.
One thing I’ve also noticed: not a single GD one of them mentions paper money. This $10 bill I found? Cold hard cash. By the time you get to the end of this sentence, it’ll be worth more than every crypto scam and Twitter combined. And I’m telling you right now: You can have it. Just sign with the Twins.
I’ve watched enough bad shortstops over the years to know that your services are needed, especially with Royce Lewis’ health in question. The Boy Geniuses clearly agree and have already put together a competitive offer for your services. I’m putting $10 on top of what they’re already prepared to give you. Talk to Boras. Mull it over with your family. Take some time. I think you’ll agree this offer is fair, sound, and selfless.
I thank you for your consideration. (We can do the handoff at Arby's, too. First Beef-and-Chedd? On me.)
Regards,
Stu

With both League Championship Series underway, local baseball fans can thrill to the unexpected National League matchup between the Philadelphia Phillies and San Diego Padres. A pleasant reminder that the biggest payrolls or markets don’t always guarantee postseason glory, the first two games have been tense and entertaining.
There’s also the ALCS.
“Man, I don’t know,” said Brian Allmendinger, 44, a Medina-based systems analyst and lifelong Twins fan, responding to a question about the matchup between the New York Yankees and Houston Astros. “I just…man.” Allmendinger excused himself to smoke a cigarette.
Allmendinger’s co-workers are concerned.
“When New York eliminated Cleveland, he sighed for 47 seconds,” said Alexis Wolff. “We timed it. I’ll be honest with you, I thought he would pass out.”
“His face turned beet red and he just kept shaking his head real slowly,” said Mateo Gutierrez. “I think we were all a little worried about him.”
“He doesn’t even smoke,” added Wolff.
With Minnesota’s postseason nemesis in the Bronx facing scandal-marred Houston, it’s tough for many Twins partisans to find a rooting interest.
“Hate is a strong word,” said Allmendinger. “Needlessly throwing it around devalues the concept and the emotion. It's cruel and ultimately harmful. With that being said, I hate the Yankees and Astros. I don’t want them to lose. I want them to lose and suffer.”
Given that one of those teams has to advance, Allmendinger was asked if he had a preference for one or the other to lose.
“It’s just that…god,” said Allmendinger, his head in his hands. “I can’t…I don’t. I can’t.”
Allmendinger excused himself, saying he left something in this car. He didn’t return to finish the interview, but was observed sitting in his Ford Fiesta, staring straight ahead. The radio wasn’t on. Darkness fell.

Joe Mauer Reviews Minnesota State Fair Attractions
“I don’t really like spicy food, but it’s cool what they do with butter.”
NOTE: RandBall’s Stu is moving his youngest child to college this weekend. He asked former Twins great Joe Mauer to step in and write about the great Minnesota get-together. Thanks for helping out, Joe!
Hey guys, it’s Joe Mauer from St. Paul. Like a lot of you I love going to the State Fair. If you’re new to Minnesota or haven’t gone in a while, here are some cool things to do.
THE GIANT SLIDE
A lot of you probably saw that picture of me and the kids on the Giant Slide last week. It was a pretty cool deal, but I made sure we hopped on right when we got there, before eating any of the food. When I was a kid, Jake (Mauer, Joe’s brother) got on it after eating a bunch of Fresh French Fries and he got a stomachache. We had to leave early so he wouldn’t barf. Mom was so steamed.
THE BUTTER SCULPTURE
I don’t really like spicy food or carving things (“Knives are the devil’s middle finger,” Mom says), but it’s cool what they do with butter.
SWEET MARTHA’S COOKIES
They give you a whole bucket of chocolate chip cookies! Las Vegas is supposed to be this cool, anything-goes city but I’ve been there, and guess what? No cookie bucket. What happens in Falcon Heights stays in Falcon Heights.
THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE
Went in here with (former Twins player and coach) Scott Ullger one time. Said one of the monarchs disrespected him. The next day he waved Jason Kubel home even though the shortstop had the ball. I don’t want to talk about it.
THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH CENTER
Mom doesn’t let us go in here but I’ve heard it’s pretty wild!
4-H BARN
Lotta cute animals if that’s your thing. It smells kinda like that one time Corey Koskie ate Indian food in Fort Myers, so just know that going in. Pretty strong!
THE HAUNTED HOUSE
Not a chance!
THE MIDWAY
I keep winning all the big prizes at the throwing games and the carnies get mad at me. Also if anyone wants 17 giant stuffed tigers shoot me a DM.
ALL YOU CAN DRINK MILK
Holy cow! LOL, pun intended. Brother, you can sit me down there all day with a cold glass of 1% and keep them coming! Everyone there calls me “Norm.” I don’t correct them, figure they have their reasons.
PRONTO PUPS
You guys know I’m not a guy who’s going to do a bunch of hot takes, but I’m just going to say it: Pronto pups are the real deal. Lotta pals love corn dogs, Glen Perkins says they’re “the glizzy” and I’m pretty sure that’s a Stillwater swear. For me, though? A pronto pup with just a bit of ketchup. Too much of the big red will get you antsy in the pantsy. Go easy.
Thanks for reading!
Image license here.
 

The Minnesota Twins have done an admirable job getting as much use out of Byron Buxton in 2022 as possible, even leading the star centerfielder to an All-Star berth. Still, with injuries continuing to pile up, the team sought a second opinion after Buxton’s recent trip to the IL. The results aren’t pretty, but they aren't surprising.
“Byron Buxton has adult-onset Evel Knievelism,” said Dr. Nicole Baumhardt, a physician at Johns Hopkins.
This incredibly rare condition usually affects only those who jump motorcycles over things and plummet to the unforgiving asphalt, or people who’ve appeared on more than one season of MTV’s Jackass.
It's named after Robert Craig “Evel” Knievel, a popular stuntman from the 1960s and ‘70s. He’s perhaps best known for failing to land a sick jump over the Caesars Palace fountains in Las Vegas, breaking his pelvis, femur, hip, wrist, and both ankles. Baumhardt says she wishes this was all that was hurting Buxton.
“All of Byron’s bones are broken,” said Baumhardt. “In addition, he has extra bones that the human body isn’t supposed to have, bones we’ve never seen. Those are also broken.
“The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie. We put him in an iron lung and the iron lung fell down a very long flight of stairs with him in it, rebreaking his broken bones harder. We placed him in a full body cast and there is now a wasps’ nest under his right arm, leading to very painful welts. He has COVID-20. You don’t even want to know what that is.”
“We’ll continue managing (Byron’s) rest,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “He’s going to need a day off here and there, but we still hope he can contribute to our playoff drive. The league says his body cast is technically a uniform if we put a name and number on it, which helps.
“The tough part is that he just got into the trainer’s room and a piano fell on him. We don’t know how a piano ended up in there, but it just up and tipped over on him, rebreaking the rebroken bones that were already broken. He might be a go on Sunday, but we’ll have to wait and see how he responds to treatment or if any other large, heavy objects smash his unique slurry of bone and muscle yet again. Until then, our other guys have to step up.”
Image license here.

As the Minnesota Twins closely monitor the condition of Byron Buxton’s knee, at least one fan thinks the whole situation has gone too far.
“There’s a difference between hurt and injured, and sometimes you have to play hurt,” said Charlie Johnsrud, 54, a real slob. “I think the Twins know this, but they’re coddling him a little bit.”
The Bloomington-based call center manager, who has called in sick to work because of a hangover twice in the last three months, claims it’s unusual for a team’s superstar to take so many days off.
“I just think, given the financial commitment the team made to him, that he has to put his big boy pants on,” said the twice-divorced goon, who has a pair of sweatpants he calls “my going-out ones.”
Johnsrud, who would drink the dipping sauce from Raising Cane’s out of a pint glass if people would just be cool about it, thinks Buxton’s patellar tendinitis is as mental as it is physical.
“He’s had a ton of injuries in his career, so he’s probably paranoid,” said Johnsrud, whose unused Lifetime Fitness membership is entering its fourth year. “He needs to get out of his head and onto the field, just saying.”
With the team out of first place for the first time in months, he thinks the urgency of the moment demands action.
“When I threw out my back, I still had to go to work,” said Johnsrud, who actually took two weeks off to recuperate after his cat scared him while he was on the toilet. “Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. They need all hands on deck.”
Johnsrud, who attacks a Culver’s ButterBurger with a ferocity not usually seen outside the animal kingdom, still considers himself a Buxton fan.
“I love the guy, I even bought a Buxton jersey last year. When he’s healthy he’s a beast.”
Johnsrud could not confirm if the significant stain on the jersey was ketchup or spaghetti sauce, but agreed that it looks like Germany.
 

With obvious needs like bullpen depth and another starting pitcher staring them in the face, sources familiar with the Twins front office say they have a singular focus headed into the All-Star break:
The godless Chicago White Sox. In particular, the manager’s job security.
Tony La Russa, the 76-year-old DUI enthusiast and leader of the godless Chicago White Sox, has appeared befuddled and bewildered at times. His team, heavily favored to win the AL Central, has struggled mightily all season long and continues to trail the first-place Twins in the standings. Given the talent on White Sox roster, Minnesota is banking on the manager continuing to waste it at every turn.
“Obviously, we would love to reinforce the bullpen,” said a front office source. “The thing is, that takes money and prospects. Keeping Tony in charge on the South Side costs us nothing. We'll be putting a lot of encouragement on our social channels and via group chat with White Sox players and staff. Lots of 'Really admire what you're doing' and 'Looks like you're turning things around, we just hope we can get a wild card.' Stuff like that.”
Unlike godless Chicago White Sox teams of the past, this roster is loaded with likeable, talented players. Liam Hendriks, Tim Anderson, Dylan Cease, the unbuttoned majesty of Eloy Jimenez. Sources say it’s dumbfounding that they’ve been unable to catch an overperforming, banged-up Twins team with a threadbare bullpen. Minnesota aims to keep it that way.
“Another front-line starting pitcher would be terrific, especially if you’re looking towards the playoffs,” said the source. “But you have to get there first. Letting Tony cook is the best way to ensure that.”
Observers close to the situation agree.
“Not a lot of managers could pull off what La Russa is doing,” said a Twins coach. “He’s a legend for a reason.”
“I heard he might start every inning with an intentional walk on Saturday,” said an MLB source. “It’s unorthodox to be sure, but he says that it sets up the double play every time. That’s just facts. He’s a Hall of Famer.”
 

Thursday’s off day provided the Minnesota Twins with some much-needed downtime, including their annual Summer Potluck. But the charcuterie turned to carnage when members of the Twins bullpen botched their dish, injuring dozens in the clubhouse.
“We had a real nice spread laid out,” said a team source. “Buffalo chicken dip, sliders, Minnesota sushi, you name it. Then all of a sudden I just hear shouting and screaming and then the burning. The burning.”
Sources say the bullpen was assigned chips and ice, but when reliever Emilio Pagan got lost on his way to Kowalski’s and drove to Fort Smith, Arkansas instead, they improvised a pasta salad. That’s when the trouble began.
“First of all, they didn’t have any of the ingredients one would need to make a pasta salad,” said a clubhouse source. “They had plenty of enthusiasm, but noodles? No. Veggies? No. Dressing? No. A pot and water? Again, no.”
“I can’t stress this enough: the clubhouse doesn’t have a stove,” said former Twin and current Bally Sports North analyst Glen Perkins. “They removed it after they found out (Carl) Pavano was living there for a couple years to in his words ‘let some things sort themselves out.’ You couldn’t even start a fire if you wanted to. And yet.”
Multiple cell phone videos appear to show Twins reliever Caleb Thielbar and other unidentified relief pitchers pouring a Ziploc bag labeled “MAKE CAR GO WATER, DON’T DRINK” on a bucket of gum and sunflower seeds, then attempting to light the unconventional salad with a road flare.
“If I heard them correctly, they said they were marinating the gum and seeds mixture and hoping to sear it to seal in the juices,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “Right before the flames engulfed us, I heard Thielbar call it a Goodhue County sous vide. I don’t think that’s right.”
A team spokesperson said that no decision has been made about rescheduling Friday’s game at Texas. Although the injuries are minor, the spokesperson said the bullpen is entirely healthy and they must consider that before making the final call.
 

Cleveland’s surprise surge to the top of the AL Central has left both fans and media types grasping for an explanation. A weak division with the projected winner struggling. A farm system that’s been exceptional at identifying and developing talent. MVP work from Jose Ramirez. And finding another remarkable talent in the couch cushions.
“Terry (Francona, Cleveland Manager) was looking for the TV remote in the clubhouse couch during Spring Training,” said a team source. “He was rummaging and rummaging and then just like that, here’s (Cleveland closer) Emmanuel Clase. We ran him out there and now he’s helping us steal a game from the Twins.”
As competitors like Minnesota have struggled for decades to develop pitchers, Cleveland’s success stands in stark contrast.
“We found Zach Plesac wandering around Cedar Point, playing carnival games,” said a team spokesperson. “One of our scouts was reaching in his pocket for his keys and pulled out Shane Bieber. A clubhouse attendant bought a hope chest at an estate sale and Corey Kluber was inside.”
When told this string of obscene fortune was beyond comprehension, the spokesperson disagreed.
“I think a lot of major league teams have strapping young farmhands stop by the stadium to see if they can help with the harvest, like we did with Jim Thome,” said the spokesperson.” This happens all the time for everyone, I bet.”
Sources close to the Minnesota Twins confirmed that this has never happened to the franchise, except for when New Prague hobby farmer Junior Ortiz got lost on his way to Frattalone’s Hardware and played catcher for the 1990 and 1991 Twins. Ortiz won a World Series title before realizing the Metrodome did not have potting soil and Ron Gardenhire was not a lawn gnome.
 

Multiple unvaccinated Twins players must sit out this weekend’s series in Toronto due to Canada’s COVID policies. While the medical community almost universally hails the efficacy of the vaccines, the worst doctor we could find thinks the Twins are getting a raw deal.
Dr. Gary Van Lowe, a retired family physician from Chanhassen, says the players (Max Kepler, Caleb Thielbar, Emilio Pagan, and Trevor Megill)  are probably in better shape than their vaccinated teammates.
“I was doing my own research just this morning,” said Van Lowe, “And realvaccinetruth.biz said the vaccines have little microchips in them that allows the government to turn you into a human microwave. I got right up off the toilet to see if any of that was in the newspaper. Not a word.”
The 61-year-old, whose frequent malpractice settlements earned him the nickname “Mal” from Fairview Southdale's attorneys, said the lack of further media coverage points to a larger conspiracy.
“I don’t think they’re doing this just to screw over the Twins in a critical road series,” said Van Lowe, nursing his “seventh or eighth” Mich Golden Light on the 17th tee box at Deer Run in Victoria. “Could it be to mess with the Vikings and Wild, too? Good luck finding that out in the Red Star (sic) from Michael Bland (sic).”
Van Lowe, who left medicine in 2015 after a series of lurid sexual harassment accusations from fellow doctors, nurses, and the entire front of house staff at the Eden Prairie Buca di Beppo, now runs a medical consultancy firm for insurance companies looking to deny benefits.
“The jury is still out on this vaccine,” he said, wobbling over a putt on 17. “All I know is that Betty White was perfectly healthy before she got the jab. Makes you think.”
Van Lowe ended the interview in order to ask the beer cart driver if she needed a ride home.

Classic North Metro halfwit Tom Hanson has seen enough. With the Twins allegedly looking to move Byron Buxton, the self-taught expert on epidemiology thinks the franchise is overlooking the best path forward.
“He oughta pay them to play centerfield,” said the frequently-divorced electrician. “Bet he lands on the injured list reaching for his wallet, lol.”
Hanson, who frequently interrupted his interview to speculate on the accuracy of Dominion Voting Systems machinery, credits Buxton’s injury history with this outside-the-box notion.
“He’s hurt all the time, and the whole insurance game is a racket,” mused Hanson. “I bet they’ve paid more on premiums for him than salary. And I bet he hasn’t thanked them for either one.”
Hanson, who has been banned from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, the Star Tribune comments section, Rube Chat, YouTube, and the Perkins chain of family restaurants, said Buxton reminds him of another Twins great, and not in a good way.
“Joe Mauer must have taught (Buxton) that if you say you’re hurt, these suckers will believe you every time,” said Hanson. “I almost respect it. Must be nice to make $23 million a year to hit singles and then not even do that because your quote-unquote concussion hurts. Must be real nice.”
When told that one of the quoted figures for a potential Byron Buxton deal was 7 years for $100 million, Hanson was livid.
“You could have a lunch pail, 110% effort guy like Zach Granite or Jake Cave who’ll go out there every day and compete for a fraction of that, or you could have a prima donna like Buxton,” exclaimed Hanson. “The fact that they’d choose the latter is just another example of the woke cancel culture infecting our society.”
Hanson would not elaborate on what that meant but did say it also applied to his local school board, KARE 11 meteorologist Belinda Jensen, maternity leave, paternity leave, rap music, Home Depot, his first, third, and fourth wives, and Little Free Libraries.  

The prospect of a Major League Baseball lockout is growing by the day. While impacts on free agency and the 2022 season are only speculative at this point, some segments of the economy are already facing the consequences of a potential work stoppage head-on.
“The male beat writers aren’t buying their new Spring Training shirts,” said a source close to the Minnesota chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America. “Can’t justify the expense if there won’t be a spring training.”
Replacing the previous year’s shirts, often marred by sweat, spilled coffee, missing buttons, and stains from a staggering variety of dipping sauces, is a hallowed tradition for writers both old and new.
Right now, this tradition is riding the pine.
“The whole market, be it staid Target golf polos or hideous button downs from brands with names like Panama Beachcomber, is in shambles,” said Steve Mediate, a consumer goods analyst for Forbes. “Clearly, they’re holding off until there’s more clarity from MLB and the players union.”
Mediate is concerned that, even if an agreement is reached and a lockout avoided, it’ll be too late for the journalists to acquire their repulsive garments.
“There’s a textile factory in Vietnam that specializes in the more garish designs certain baseball writers favor,” said Mediate. “They’ve been shuttered for a month. If he wants a shirt that looks like an educational film about farm accidents, they’re not even making them right now. His best bet for a button down designed by someone who hates the gift of sight and the concept of beauty is a vintage store or Goodwill.”
Mediate confirmed that similar impacts are being felt in sectors like sandals and dumb-looking hats.
“There are warehouses full of hats that keep the sun off your neck and also make you look like a real chump, a cosmic dorkwad who frankly should be bullied,” said Mediate. “They’re gathering dust and not going anywhere. It’s a mess.”
Image license for photo of grotesque shirts here.

Twins Daily usually stays between the lines as regards content. However, when the best catcher in team history sends a movie review to our Friday correspondent, we disregard the baseball aspect. What follows is Joe Mauer’s review of the 2021 film Dune, now available on HBO Max and in theaters nationwide.
Hey guys. I watched the movie Dune at mom’s house. She usually gets sore when me or Jake (Mauer, Joe’s younger brother) watch HBO there because they show S-E-X stuff at night, but I told her this was more like the Star Wars so she let it slide.
I wasn’t even telling stories to Mom there, I really thought this was a Star Wars movie. Remember when Luke Skywalker was just driving around the desert with his cool grampa and the robots from England? It was a whole bunch of dunes! Easy mistake to make if you’re asking me.
I was wrong. No funny robots or Han Solo, I tell you what. I guess this movie involves Timothy Huggybear or whatever and the one young woman from Shake It Up on Disney Channel and they’re trying to find a bunch of spices and get into adventures? I’ll be honest, it was real tough to follow.
The thing is, I knew it was going to be a real weirdo beardo, because my friend Glen (Perkins, former Twins pitcher) told me there was a Dune that came out when I was born with the guy from Twin Peaks and the Police rock band and it was super cool. The thing is Glen always mixes his lies with the truth to mess with me so I knew he was busting my chops lol. Also he might be the devil? Mom’s kinda on the fence about him.
Anyway, when Timothy Chandelier and Shake It Up Chicago go on their adventure, it’s pretty fun. I couldn’t follow it all that closely because Jake kept hucking wiffle balls at me while I was trying to watch the ding-dang movie. But the parts I could watch before Jake put Bob Seger on the Bluetooth speakers looked really fun.
Anyway, I guess I’d watch this again. Have a great weekend, guys.
Stay golden,
Joe

The road has been long and windy for Drew Maggi. The Phoenix native was drafted out of Brophy College Prep by the hometown Diamondbacks in the 47th round of the 2008 draft. Two years later, he was the Pirates 15th round pick out of Arizona State. And that began his pro journey. 
Maggi spent five seasons with the Pirates organization. He reached Double-A in 2014. 
He posted a .606 OPS in 125 games for the Angels Double-A affiliate in Arkansas in 2015. 
In 2016, he went to the Dodgers organization and split the season between Double-A Tulsa and Triple-A Oklahoma City. There, he was a teammate of Twins minor league director Alex Hassan. 
He remained in Oklahoma City in 2017. 
In 2018, he played for Cleveland's Triple-A affiliate in Columbus. 
Then in 2019, he signed a minor league deal with the Twins. He began that season with 11 games at Double-A Pensacola. He then played 108 games with Triple-A Rochester and hit .258/.384/.405 (.788) with 19 doubles, four triples and 10 homers. 
In 2020, he was invited to Twins big-league spring training. As we know, the season was delayed and the minor league season was cancelled, but Maggi was invited and worked out at the Twins alternate site in St. Paul.
This spring, he was again invited to big-league spring training. He has played in 86 games for the St. Paul Saints. He has hit .261/.364/.486 (.850) with 12 doubles, two triples and 16 home runs. 
On Saturday morning, he was officially called up to the Twins. 
Now I know many will ask why I get excited for feel-good stories like this? Many will ask why Maggi instead of top hitting prospect Jose Miranda. I understand that. I initially wondered the same thing, but that dissipated pretty quickly for me. 
I love feel-good stories. The Twins have done it in the past. All teams have, and I think it's great. Remember five years ago when the Twins called up James Beresford for September. It gave him a chance to make big-league money for a month, but it was also a Thank You from the organization that he called home for ten years. 
Maggi has only been in the Twins organization for three seasons, but he's been in the game a long time. He's a good player. He's displayed power. He has played wherever he's been asked. He can play all four infield spots and even has spent some time in the outfield. 
He may rarely play with the Twins. Or, he could come up and get a shot and have a great two-week stretch. 
Maggi will likely be DFAd at season's end, and that's fine, but forever, he will be able to call himself a big leaguer.  
From the Twins perspective they have called up several players that they had signed to minor league contracts this year. And, a story like this isn't going to get lost on minor league free agents this offseason, or next offseason. 
Jose Miranda is a part of the future. He's going to contribute to the Twins for years to come. Drew Maggi is probably playing the final two weeks of his professional career, or maybe he'll be thrilled to come back to the Twins next year because he knows that they have done right by him and others. 
In a bad season, a dark season, we do need to find the positives. We should be excited for the person, and we should hope for good from Drew Maggi. I know I am happy for him! 
As mentioned Rob Refsnyder was placed on the Injured List to make room for Maggi on the 28-man roster. Taylor Rogers was placed on the 60-Day IL to make room for Maggi on the 40-man roster.