Your Dad Set to Absolutely Butcher Names of New Twins

The addition of Andrelton Simmons, Alex Colomé, and Hansel Robles heightened the 2021 expectations of many Twins fans. Your Dad, who called Brad Radke "Bill Rapke" for the duration of the pitcher's career, is confident as well.

"Boy, that Anderson Simmons can really pick it," he said in a recent text.

Sources close to Your Family confirmed on Thursday that Your Dad is thrilled with the signings and is nowhere close to getting any of their names right.

"He got done watching the 6:00 news, looked at his flip phone, and asked me if Aaron Columbo was going to take Terry Rogers' job," said Your Brother, who is still living at home and attempting to make it as a day trader. "I tried to tell him that my AMC stock is on a rocket to the moon but he just looked at me like I was crazy."

Your Brother confirmed that Your Dad got the newly re-signed Nelson Cruz's name dead on, but showed less exactitude elsewhere.

"He kept saying how much he was going to miss Stevie," said Your Brother, who goes by the handle ThiccBrokerBoi on Reddit and should probably reduce his screen time. "I told him the Twins didn't have a Stevie last year. Then he started talking about his crazy beard and frisbee slider and I told him he meant Sergio Romo. He just said, ‘Yeah, Stevie! Loved that guy.’"

Your Stepmom said Your Dad is primed for Spring Training.

"He said he was listening to the Meatman on KFAN and that he was predicting another division title," said Your Stepmom. "He said Gelman and the Gooch thought so too. He's pretty pumped up."

In a follow-up text, Your Dad allowed that, while he was upbeat about the acquisitions, he still would like them to add another pitcher. He also asked if you'd heard that the Vikings wanted to trade Kurt Cousins for Jimmy Garofalo.