Twins Ponder Further Efforts to Protect Byron Buxton

In The Athletic on Thursday, pro bono Yangtze Restaurant Public Relations Manager Aaron Gleeman wrote about the new approaches the Twins are taking to protect Byron Buxton from himself. Twins Daily dug deeper to see how the team plans to keep their star-crossed center fielder healthy.

• Remove outfield walls in Target Field. While this might seem controversial, team officials say putting down some painter’s tape where the wall would otherwise be might pass muster. “Can’t run into a wall if there’s no wall,” said a front office source with knowledge of the situation. “Dick Bremer’s brother-in-law is a contractor and he’s volunteered to come in to tape it all up, and we can just put down a bunch of comfortable pillows behind the tape for Byron to land in softly and safe from harm.”
  
• Make his uniform out of his sliding glove. Buxton’s oven mitt-sized glove helps prevent hand injuries during the speedster’s head-first slides. “What we’re thinking is, make the jersey, the pants, the stirrups, everything out of that material,” said a source close to the coaching staff. “We built a prototype and had Jake Cave try it on. Unfortunately, it’s very bulky. He was bullied by some local teens who chased him down as he attempted to waddle away and they gave him swirlies and at least one purple nurple. So we’re still a ways off.” Cave is listed as day-to-day (America’s bullying crisis) on the team’s injury report.
  
• Russian vaccines. When Vladimir Putin announced that his country had developed an effective COVID-19 vaccine, many were skeptical. The Twins were not. “There’s a chance it might be BS, but what if it works,” asked a clubhouse source. “Let’s just say we’re better safe than sorry with Byron.” Another source revealed that the Pohlad family acquired a vaccine sample in exchange for Bill Pohlad filming his next three musician biopics in Russia. “We gave a test injection to Caleb Thielbar and it’s…well, do you know if he glowed in the dark the first time he was on the team?” Thielbar is listed as day-to-day (early onset Dr. Manhattan-ism) on the team’s injury report, while shooting on the life story of Electric Light Orchestra’s Jeff Lynne begins in Volgograd in mid-2021.
  

The team says it will continue looking to innovate as the season continues. “I know there’s a whiteboard in Thad Levine’s office that just says ‘PARACHUTES’ with a few question marks after it,” said the front office source. “Everything’s on the table.”

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