Jump to content
Twins Daily
  • Create Account
  • sat·ire | (/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/) | noun
    the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

    CDC Urges Fans Mad at Greedy Players to Not Learn About Owners Wealth

    RandBalls Stu

    By RandBalls Stu

    "It's going to blow their minds to find out just how much those guys make," said one expert. "The health impacts are unknowable and a risk we can't encourage."

    Image courtesy of Public Domain

    Twins Video

    The Centers for Disease Control advise Facebook Rage Uncles and Star Tribune commenters to avoid learning that Major League Baseball owners are far wealthier than the players.

    “Right now, with public health at a premium and hospital capacity so vitally important, it’s imperative that the most irate and irrational among us continue on their merry way, oblivious and dumbstruck” said CDC spokesperson John T. Brooks. “Learning something new, factually correct, and completely at odds with their worldview could lead to shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and other adverse effects.”

    Despite the owners’ obvious and complete culpability in baseball’s current impasse, Anoka resident and classic North Metro reactionary Tom Hanson said he agreed with the CDC’s directive.

    “The players are greedy bums,” said Hanson. “There are exceptions, like Curt Schilling and Aubrey Huff, but most of them are just lazy. Nothing’s going to change my mind.”

    Brooks said any attempts to persuade others that the owners are far wealthier than the players, and a much worthier target of their anger, are discouraged.

    “Any fair-minded person might attempt to convince others that the owners are entirely at fault in this instance, and their wealth far surpasses that of your average corner infielder. Perhaps when we’ve reached herd immunity or discovered a therapeutic or vaccine for COVID-19, it might be worthwhile to pull Uncle Rich aside and tell him to shut his godforsaken piehole. But now is not that time. It’s for the greater good.”

    For his part, Hanson said he prefers to remain oblivious to the fact that he pays more in income tax than every owner despite being mostly unemployable.

    “They’re paid to do two things: play a game, stand for the anthem, and shut up.”

    Hanson denied those were three things and refused to discuss the matter further.

    Steve "Stu" Neuman. Local copywriter, husband, father of two, inventor of the atomic bomb.
    Follow RandBalls Stu on Twitter: RandBallsStu

    MORE FROM TWINS DAILY
    — Latest Twins coverage from our writers
    — Recent Twins discussion in our forums
    — Follow Twins Daily via Twitter, Facebook or email
    — Become a Twins Daily Caretaker

     Share
     Share
    Go to articles

    User Feedback

    Recommended Comments

    Featured Comments

    mikelink45

    mikelink45 10,958

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    Hanson sounds like a jerk.  The players want to play, the owners are more interested in correcting their own decisions to pay so much for individuals in a team game.  It is not Mike Trout's fault that an owner offers $30 million despite the fact that the man is given all kinds of best in the business accolades.  Owners are culpable.  They have not negotiated in good faith and if the players want to play more games - it sounds good to me. 

     

    No one is paid to stand up for the anthem and shut up.  Please no more Hanson insights. 

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites
    Major League Ready

    Major League Ready 5,943

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

    To try to put the difference in wealth between owners and player into perspective, just remember that $1B is to $1M, what $1M is to $1K.

     

    This battle is not about the guys making league minimum. Their piece of the pie is 3.6% of total player compensation. You have elected to focus on the players just starting their career and then comparing that to the accumulated earnings of someone with 30, 40 or even 50 years of experience. These individuals represent a tiny percentage of the population yet you ignore high income players in making a comparison. The top 100 players average 20.7M. What do you suppose they will make over their career? Let's also keep in mind most players are retiring at 35 and most owners go on to work another 35 years in accumulating their wealth.

     

    I would appear that some of you subscribe to the theory that what is fair is determined by how much wealth someone has accumulated. Maybe it's just me but fair is not determined by the size of someone's bank account. 

     

     

    The owners tried to focus the cuts on high income players. 

     

    o what you are saying is that an unfair resolution 

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites
    twinstalker

    twinstalker 314

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

    Hanson sounds like a jerk.  The players want to play, the owners are more interested in correcting their own decisions to pay so much for individuals in a team game.  It is not Mike Trout's fault that an owner offers $30 million despite the fact that the man is given all kinds of best in the business accolades.  Owners are culpable.  They have not negotiated in good faith and if the players want to play more games - it sounds good to me. 

     

    No one is paid to stand up for the anthem and shut up.  Please no more Hanson insights. 

    I totally agree. Pretty sure I know this Hanson, and he's a hypocrite because I remember him not standing for the anthem at the hockey tournament a few years back. He's was trying to keep his beer on the downlow beneath his seat.

     

    It just pisses me off when Stu finds another hick to get his opinions from, because these rednecks do not represent Minnesota or our sports fan. In fact, if Joe Mauer weren't so talentless and overpaid to the point where he destroyed any hope for the Twins in the 2010s, I'd suggest he interview him again.

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites
    Bomba2026

    Bomba2026 250

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    Why is Fauci on here? His 15 minutes are up..move on to Worst Cooks in America or some other celebrity show. We the people, for the most part, are pretty smart and are not unaware of what is going on Anywhere.....I'm not a sheep, not in a herd and everyday I wake up and go "what's gonna hit the fan today"?.

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites
    SkyBlueWaters

    SkyBlueWaters 240

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    “There are exceptions, like Curt Schilling and Aubrey Huff, but most of them are just lazy. Nothing’s going to change my mind.”

     

    Snorting lager out my nose.

     

    Too funny. And I loved Huff in 2010. 

     

    Loose cannons are one thing. But when they bounce free among helpless radio dj's, it's going too far.

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites
    SkyBlueWaters

    SkyBlueWaters 240

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

    Randballs Stu wrote:  “They’re paid to do two things: play a game, stand for the anthem, and shut up.”

     

    Long ago, on a planet not so far away, a DJ influential in starting underground FM radio named Tom Donahue said, "There are only two constants in the SF hippie scene. Music, grass and LSD."

     

    :whacky028:

     

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites


    Join the conversation

    You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
    Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

    Guest
    Add a comment...

    ×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

      Only 75 emoji are allowed.

    ×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

    ×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

    ×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

    Loading...
    ×

×
×
  • Create New...