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  • sat·ire | (/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/) | noun
    the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

    Twins Bullpen Falters Because of What Bryan Did

    RandBalls Stu

    By RandBalls Stu

    He knows what he did. Look at him.

    Image courtesy of Flickr/Steve Wilson

    Twins Video

    As Hansel Robles and Taylor Rogers surrendered another Minnesota lead on Thursday, Twins fans were up in arms. Did the Twins pull Michael Pineda one inning too soon? Was Robles the right call to start the eighth? Does a higher power hate the Minnesota Twins?

    While valid questions, multiple sources confirmed that Bryan Schafer of Prior Lake is responsible for Thursday’s bullpen collapse, as well as all the team’s recent struggles. The 37-year-old financial planner was not available for comment.

    “Just look at him,” said one source. “He’s done something. Something that just isn’t right. And who’s getting punished? The Minnesota Twins.”

    “You can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s no good,” said a source familiar with Schafer’s personal life and internet browsing history. “A real sicko, that one. And now we all have to suffer for his actions.”

    Schafer has no criminal record and is a married father of two.

    “To tell the truth, I’m not really surprised,” said a member of Schafer’s fantasy football league who asked not to be identified. “He hasn’t changed his team name in 13 years. He always drafts kickers way too early. He brings beers to the draft that taste like black licorice. He’s only in the league because he was my buddy’s brother-in-law, and that marriage ended after she left him for the guy who detailed their pontoon. I didn’t know he had a family until you told me he had kids. A real odd duck.”

    While it might seem unlikely to blame Josh Donaldson and Byron Buxton's tender hamstrings on a man they’ve neither met nor known, some say it makes all the sense in the world.

    “OK, so the Twins came back to win Thursday’s game,” said another source. “Do you think that happens if a perv like Bryan doesn’t know we’re onto his little games? No way, buster. He’s trying to sneak one past us and it’s not going to work, Bryan. Sick.”

    Image license here.

    Steve "Stu" Neuman. Local copywriter, husband, father of two, inventor of the atomic bomb.
    Follow RandBalls Stu on Twitter: RandBallsStu

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    cHawk

    cHawk 2,006

  • Community Leader

    • Posted

    Did the Twins pull Michael Pineda one inning too soon?

     

    Yeah, no sh!t. You’d think Rocco would’ve learned from pulling Berrios in the playoffs last year. Apparently not.

     

    Was Robles the right call to start the eighth?

     

    Yeah, he’s a high leverage guy, based on his stuff (IDGAS about his 10.00 ERA last year). I would’ve let Pineda go one more and brought him out in the 9th if I were Rocco in that situation. Many are criticizing the decision to bring him out in the 8th but that is purely results-based criticism. Remember that Rocco can’t see the future. If you were going to the pen, Robles or Rogers was the right call. Both throw hard. Robles has been good in that spot so far this year.

     

    Guess who wasn’t the right call for the 9th? The guy who has been shellacked consistently (Colome). ALL of his outings (except Game 2 against Milwaukee) have been cringe-worthy. And it’s no fluke. His stuff is not good. He throws 89 MPH cutters over the plate. That’s pretty much it. He’s a guy who should be pitching in garbage time. Not meaningful time.

     

    Does a higher power hate the Minnesota Twins?

     

    They’ve lost 18 straight playoff games. That takes some serious commitment. That or some really bad luck.

     

    Who’s to blame for this? Management. Colome keeps going out there in the 9th. Why? IDK. Rogers, Duffey, Robles, and Alcala should be the closers (If they’re going for multi-closer thing, which is fine). They all throw hard. Thielbar is fine as a setup guy (NOT as a guy to stop the bleeding). Outside of those five, who do we have? Colome sucks as I already said. Brandon Waddell has not looked good. Dobnak is fools gold, always has been. Anderson? We haven’t seen him in the majors yet. Maybe he could be good? IDK.

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    REPETE

    REPETE 227

  • Provisional Member

    • Posted

     

    Who’s to blame for this? Management. Colome keeps going out there in the 9th. Why? IDK. Rogers, Duffey, Robles, and Alcala should be the closers (If they’re going for multi-closer thing, which is fine). They all throw hard. Thielbar is fine as a setup guy (NOT as a guy to stop the bleeding). Outside of those five, who do we have? Colome sucks as I already said. Brandon Waddell has not looked good. Dobnak is fools gold, always has been. Anderson? We haven’t seen him in the majors yet. Maybe he could be good? IDK.

     

    Did the Twins pull Michael Pineda one inning too soon?

     

    Yeah, no sh!t. You’d think Rocco would’ve learned from pulling Berrios in the playoffs last year. Apparently not.

     

    Was Robles the right call to start the eighth?

     

    Yeah, he’s a high leverage guy, based on his stuff (IDGAS about his 10.00 ERA last year). I would’ve let Pineda go one more and brought him out in the 9th if I were Rocco in that situation. Many are criticizing the decision to bring him out in the 8th but that is purely results-based criticism. Remember that Rocco can’t see the future. If you were going to the pen, Robles or Rogers was the right call. Both throw hard. Robles has been good in that spot so far this year.

     

    Guess who wasn’t the right call for the 9th? The guy who has been shellacked consistently (Colome). ALL of his outings (except Game 2 against Milwaukee) have been cringe-worthy. And it’s no fluke. His stuff is not good. He throws 89 MPH cutters over the plate. That’s pretty much it. He’s a guy who should be pitching in garbage time. Not meaningful time.

     

    Does a higher power hate the Minnesota Twins?

     

    They’ve lost 18 straight playoff games. That takes some serious commitment. That or some really bad luck.

     

    Who’s to blame for this? Management. Colome keeps going out there in the 9th. Why? IDK. Rogers, Duffey, Robles, and Alcala should be the closers (If they’re going for multi-closer thing, which is fine). They all throw hard. Thielbar is fine as a setup guy (NOT as a guy to stop the bleeding). Outside of those five, who do we have? Colome sucks as I already said. Brandon Waddell has not looked good. Dobnak is fools gold, always has been. Anderson? We haven’t seen him in the majors yet. Maybe he could be good? IDK.

    This is a well thought out piece pointing out many faults in all layers of management within the organization.  
    But no, I'm pretty sure it's Bryan...

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    jimbo92107

    jimbo92107 7,419

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    He turned me into a newt!

    ...I got better... - Holy Grail

     

    It's always the unexpected, isn't it? The pen was supposed to be the team's strength this season. Look at those arms, man! Indeedy, the Twins this year have a mid-90's relief staff, but as we have also seen, a mid-90's pitch still gets pounded WHEN YOU THROW IT DOWN THE MIDDLE! 

     

    In fact, one of the only 'good' pitches that got slammed was a Duffey offering to a lefty batter: a medium curve low inside, about where you'd tee up a golf ball. Funny how so many lefties love that pitch. Duffey caught the inside corner on that pitch, where every pitching coach would tell him that pitch absolutely must miss inside by at least half a foot. BOOM.

     

    Almost all the other BOOMS came from pitches that drifted down the middle. Pretty much every MLB player can hit stuff thrown there. This is not to say you cannot throw a pitch down the middle, but you don't do it with runners on base in a close game. I roll up my newspaper of ire and wave it threatening in their direction! Bad! Bad!

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    cHawk

    cHawk 2,006

  • Community Leader

    • Posted

     

    This is a well thought out piece pointing out many faults in all layers of management within the organization.  

    But no, I'm pretty sure it's Bryan...

     

    I was referring to much more in-game management. I don’t believe the bullpen is constructed as badly as it has looked. Falvine gets 30% of the blame. Rocco gets 60%. The relievers themselves get 10% for just not executing.

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    twinbythebay

    twinbythebay 576

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

     

    Does a higher power hate the Minnesota Twins?

     

    They’ve lost 18 straight playoff games. That takes some serious commitment. That or some really bad luck.

     

    Who’s to blame for this? Management. BRYAN!

    FTFY

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    marcburns0@gmail.com

    marcburns0@gmail.com 1

  • Provisional Member

    • Posted

    Not that it matters, and this is perhaps the only place where everyone already knows this, but it seems weird to talk about a Twins player playing multiple positions without mentioning Cesar Tovar playing all 9 positions in September 1968.  Loved that guy!

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    ashbury

    ashbury 48,546

  • Old-Timey Member

    • Posted

    Randball: pro tip

    ...make the humor obvious, so nobody could possibly miss it.....

    Call me any Friday afternoon and I'll read his column to you, complete with my standard h'yuk-yuk-yuk lafftrack, so you don't feel quite so lost.

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