Projecting the Next Organizations to Sign and Back Away from Carlos Correa

Once is a fluke. Twice is a trend. That’s all we really know about the state of Carlos Correa’s future employment and the ankle he injured a decade ago. Nine-figure deals with the Giants and Mets have either evaporated completely or exist in some kind of limbo. The Twins reportedly had limited interest in a reunion after the San Francisco signing fell through, despite their stated desire to sign him long term.

Something’s up. Fortunately, Twins Daily has access to the kind of advanced metrics other baseball websites can only dream of. Using these bleeding-edge tools, we’ve been able to project the next organizations that will sign Correa to a massive long-term contract, only for it to instantly go sideways.

• The Pittsburgh Pirates. Reason: Thought it was Kevin Correia. Honest mistake.
• The Chicago White Sox. Reason: Team wants to save money for giving Tony La Russa one last shot at managing the game on the field versus the one happening in his mind palace. “He’s a Hall of Famer,” said team source.
• The Oakland Athletics. Reason: Signing ceremony postponed due to monthly raw sewage leak.
• The Miami Marlins. Reason: Correa would have to find location for hideous outfield home run sculpture and pay movers. "A dealbreaker," said Boras.
• The 1986 New York Mets. Reason: Boras, Correa refuse to be paid in cocaine.
• The Miami Heat. Reason: Only shoots mid-range jumpers.
• The Green Bay Packers. Reasons: Scott Boras balks at payment in worthless company stock; Correa thinks Kroll’s butter burgers are overcooked, has also never played football.
• Waffle House, Walterboro, SC location. Reason: Being on feet all day while catching chairs in midair enhances injury risk.
• The Fellowship of the Ring. Reason: Journey on foot to Mordor exacerbates stress on leg in question; Boras demands standard percentage of The One Ring, Isildur’s Bane, which was forged in the fires of Mount Doom and only there can be destroyed.

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