Buxton Diagnosed with Evel Knievelism

The Minnesota Twins have done an admirable job getting as much use out of Byron Buxton in 2022 as possible, even leading the star centerfielder to an All-Star berth. Still, with injuries continuing to pile up, the team sought a second opinion after Buxton’s recent trip to the IL. The results aren’t pretty, but they aren't surprising.

“Byron Buxton has adult-onset Evel Knievelism,” said Dr. Nicole Baumhardt, a physician at Johns Hopkins.

This incredibly rare condition usually affects only those who jump motorcycles over things and plummet to the unforgiving asphalt, or people who’ve appeared on more than one season of MTV’s Jackass.

It's named after Robert Craig “Evel” Knievel, a popular stuntman from the 1960s and ‘70s. He’s perhaps best known for failing to land a sick jump over the Caesars Palace fountains in Las Vegas, breaking his pelvis, femur, hip, wrist, and both ankles. Baumhardt says she wishes this was all that was hurting Buxton.

“All of Byron’s bones are broken,” said Baumhardt. “In addition, he has extra bones that the human body isn’t supposed to have, bones we’ve never seen. Those are also broken.

“The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie. We put him in an iron lung and the iron lung fell down a very long flight of stairs with him in it, rebreaking his broken bones harder. We placed him in a full body cast and there is now a wasps’ nest under his right arm, leading to very painful welts. He has COVID-20. You don’t even want to know what that is.”

“We’ll continue managing (Byron’s) rest,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “He’s going to need a day off here and there, but we still hope he can contribute to our playoff drive. The league says his body cast is technically a uniform if we put a name and number on it, which helps.

“The tough part is that he just got into the trainer’s room and a piano fell on him. We don’t know how a piano ended up in there, but it just up and tipped over on him, rebreaking the rebroken bones that were already broken. He might be a go on Sunday, but we’ll have to wait and see how he responds to treatment or if any other large, heavy objects smash his unique slurry of bone and muscle yet again. Until then, our other guys have to step up.”

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