Local Student Struggling to Find German Word for Max Kepler Batting Leadoff

Cara Daugherty, 24, is working toward her master’s degree in Germanic Studies at the University of Minnesota. For now, her studies are taking a backseat to figuring out the correct phrasing for the reported elevation of German native Max Kepler to the leadoff spot in 2019.

“The local media wants a fancy word like schadenfreude for this situation,” says Daugherty, who declined to name the personalities in question, but characterized them as “talk radio jackals” and “podcasters” who are constantly emailing and texting her for the right turn of phrase.

“Everyone seems to agree that it’s a real roll of the dice on the team’s part,” says the Minneapolis resident. “But they also agree it would be pretty cool if there was a mysterious German word to tack on to the decision.

‘Rubes love big words’ is what one of them told me.”

Her research, which has keyed in on words and phrases like “hubris”, “throwing darts”, and “Carlos Gomez, but in a black turtleneck”, has so far returned zero applicable results.

“It just ends up being a string of angry-sounding words,” says Daugherty. “Nothing elegant or pithy to really bring the feeling of dread mingled with blind hope into view.”

Erik Solheim, Daugherty’s faculty adviser, says this is not the first time such an issue has arisen.

“Back when the Twins transitioned Miguel Sano to the outfield, we had a couple requests from media to winnow that entire disaster into one word or phrase,” says Solheim. “The best we could do was

‘Auf jeden Rechen auf dem gottverdammten Parkplatz treten’, which roughly translates to ‘stepping on every rake in the goddamn parking lot’,”