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  • sat·ire | (/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/) | noun
    the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

    The Houston Astros Guide to Public Apologies

    RandBalls Stu

    By RandBalls Stu

    You've made a mistake. You need to make amends. Let the Houston Astros help you navigate the fraught, tricky waters of a public apology.

    Image courtesy of © Jim Rassol-USA TODAY Sports

    Twins Video

    Now that you've stepped in it, you need to step out of it. This is how to apologize, the Astros Way:

    1. When possible, don’t.
    2. See above. Just don’t do it. People will quote you, ask follow-up questions, and point out inconsistencies in your story. Bummer City, Population: You! Seriously, don’t.
    3. If the media or public demands a statement, see if you can do it by whomping on various household items, like it’s Morse code or something. People might get the joke, think it’s funny, and move on to a different story.
    4. If the media or public demands that you use your words, craft an insincere, hollow public statement, admit nothing and read with the affect of a hostage holding that day's newspaper to demonstrate proof of life.
    5. If that simply isn't good enough, construct your apology in the most passive voice possible, speak in vague generalities, and change the subject. Examples:

      2. BAD: I am sorry for what I did. I am responsible for my actions and accept whatever the penalty is, even if it’s a lifetime ban.
      3. GOOD: I regret the actions of the team while I was there. I don’t want to relitigate the past and am looking forward to the new season.
      4. GREAT: At the end of the day, it is what it is. Next question.
      5. GALAXY BRAIN: I don’t think I should be held accountable.

    [*]Everyone is going to mad after #5 even if you mean it! You really should have paid attention to the first two guidelines above. Why didn’t you read the first two guidelines? They were put at the top for a good reason!

    [*]Save a bunch of kids from imminent danger. People love kids. Those kids are sometimes on buses and those buses might be driving up a perilous mountain pass in a winter storm. If that bus starts teetering along the edge of a crevasse, get out of your car and get those kids to safety before the bus plummets thousands of feet. You’re no longer Alex Bregman, Houston cheater, you’re Alex Bregman, brave hero of the Greeley (CO) Death Bus.

    Steve "Stu" Neuman. Local copywriter, husband, father of two, inventor of the atomic bomb.
    Follow RandBalls Stu on Twitter: RandBallsStu

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    mini_tb

    mini_tb 98

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    Their fans in the mlbtraderumors comments are also interesting.  Their defense/excuse/justification is always to bring up other cheating scenarios, whether it's steroids, Pete Rose, or accusing all of the other teams of similar infractions.

     

    Definitely not accusing all Astros fans of having that mindset - just the mlbtraderumors ones.

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    Marcusesm

    Marcusesm 20

  • Provisional Member

    • Posted

     

      On 2/14/2020 at 3:34 PM, sloopjont said:

    They say they would have won the series anyway because they're the better team.

     

    If so,why cheat?  

     

    Series win should be vacated; Twins don't absolutely need Marwin.  Let him go.

     

    2017 was, by all accounts, the year the Astros cheated the most. Marwin's 2017 stats are such an aberration compared to the rest of his career. He had an OPS+ of 146 when his next best season is 109 and his average is season is right around 100. I think cutting him would be a great message for the Twins to send to the league, but I also don't understand how it would affect clubhouse dynamics. It definitely shouldn't be off the table, though.

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    goulik

    goulik 1,725

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    First time I ever printed an article from TD and shared with co workers. In fact,co workers who are not even baseball fans. (yes, lots of Twins Daily advertising was done with credit to Randballs Stu as author) This is so hilarious while being spot on in it's sarcasm. Thank you for writing this

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    David HK

    David HK 5,197

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    No clean hands, and no clean hearts, either. The Asstros have really set themselves up to be Evil Empire, Jr. From the despicable Brandon Taubman espisode, and the way they handled it, to the current day, where they're STILL not handling it, the organization has carved a path to being the next franchise that everybody roots against.

     

    Thanks, RBS, for this primer on so many public "apologies" that sports figures, celebs, and others use. There are few things that p*ss me off more than these lukewarm non-apologies that follow this same pattern over and over again. (My all-time favorite: "It's not who I am...") Moreover, the people who use them don't seem to realize that their words don't just dissipate in the air after they're said, they live on forever in the digital ether. They can never escape their mealy-mouthed, limp, stale mutterings, and the reflections on their character.

     

    It's also a primer that any parent can use as a fine example of how NOT to stand up and be an honorable man or a woman in this world.

     

    Now, I'm going to get busy planning my next vacation to Greely. You know, just in case.

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    chinmusic

    chinmusic 363

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

      On 2/15/2020 at 1:24 AM, David HK said:

    No clean hands, and no clean hearts, either. The Asstros have really set themselves up to be Evil Empire, Jr. From the despicable Brandon Taubman espisode, and the way they handled it, to the current day, where they're STILL not handling it, the organization has carved a path to being the next franchise that everybody roots against.

     

    Thanks, RBS, for this primer on so many public "apologies" that sports figures, celebs, and others use. There are few things that p*ss me off more than these lukewarm non-apologies that follow this same pattern over and over again. (My all-time favorite: "It's not who I am...") Moreover, the people who use them don't seem to realize that their words don't just dissipate in the air after they're said, they live on forever in the digital ether. They can never escape their mealy-mouthed, limp, stale mutterings, and the reflections on their character.

     

    It's also a primer that any parent can use as a fine example of how NOT to stand up and be an honorable man or a woman in this world.

     

    Now, I'm going to get busy planning my next vacation to Greely. You know, just in case.

     

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    chinmusic

    chinmusic 363

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    David HK

     

    Great comments!  "It's not who I am" , pet peeve of mine as well. Used so often, both in and out of baseball. Within the sport, two that come to mind are Kevin Pillar and Josh Hader, both for homophobic slurs. Guys, it came out of your mouth, therefore I'd say that it IS who you are.

     

    As for the Astros, after the ultra creepy Taubman affair, followed by what we know (so far) about the cheating scandal, and all its implications, I thought , man this team doesn't have a soul. I was one-upped by a sports journalist who referred to the Houston Astros as an absolute cesspool. Then there's owner Jim Crane. What a piece of work!

     

    My sympathies to fans of this team. Your loyalty is being harshly tested.

     

    In closing, I'd like to say just one more thing....  GO TWINS!

     

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    Brock Beauchamp

    Brock Beauchamp 39,328

  • Administrator

    • Posted

     

      On 2/15/2020 at 3:44 AM, chinmusic said:

    My sympathies to fans of this team. Your loyalty is being harshly tested.

    Unfortunately, I think that's not really the case. 

     

    If the Twins did this, would you continue to be a fan? I would stand waaaaayyyyy back from them and scream at the sky about how they're wrong but I'd still tepidly be a fan... except for the Taubman thing.

     

    The thing is, I'm in the minority there. Most would just brush it aside for the laundry on the field.

     

    And for the record, while the Astros look like complete jackasses and got a lot of what was coming to them after the arrogance of the "banging scheme" (thanks, Effectively Wild), the really, truly, awful, ****ty thing they did was the Taubman incident, which should have sent baseball anger through the roof if baseball wasn't such an egocentric, patriarchal entity.

     

    That was unforgivable. To me, this entire cheating thing is just the icing on the cake to take down what is a truly horrible, wretched organization.

     

    As much as I hate the Yankees, they generally hold themselves to a high standard for behavior, both on and off the field. 

     

    The Astros, frankly, can just go **** themselves. I despise them to my core and I will relish in every loss they take in the coming years until this entire front office is purged but not only because of the cheating, but because of what they've shown themselves to be over the past several months.

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    Highabove

    Highabove 136

  • Provisional Member

    • Posted

    Will Players around the League administer their own justice on the Astros this season. The Astros may be the first Baseball team in history to sign and put on their roster some NHL type enforcers. They could find themselves in more brawls then the old Philadelphia Flyers. 

     

     

     

    http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTHU9OzmtwRZI7SuU28_VBvETIo4pKd5uSSA8XCfPDg7afsSFZBKtHGhZoOm3NaL5HrVquRZ4E&usqp=CAc

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    David HK

    David HK 5,197

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

      On 2/15/2020 at 9:15 AM, Highabove said:

    Will Players around the League administer then own justice on the Astros this season. The Astros may be the first Baseball team in history to sign and put on their roster some NHL type enforcers. They could find themselves in more brawls then the old Philadelphia Flyers. 

    Uh-oh... ya think teams around the league will be puttin' on the foil? 

     

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    DocBauer

    DocBauer 14,431

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    When a team succeeds or fails in any fashion, it is usually a reflection of owner/administration on down. We see this all the time.

     

    While the Astros performed well on the field and succeeded, the cesspool that is the reality of their organization is now clear. And it starts from the owner. If anyone heard his ridiculous comments and backtalk in a recent "apology" news conference that never really had any remorse, you know what I'm talking about.

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