Real Live Wolf Broadcasts Twins Game, Dozens Injured

Gloria Runnells knew something was wrong immediately.

“We’ve been coming to Fort Myers for Spring Training games for years,” said the Little Falls retiree. “We always sit by the play-by-play booth, Dan Gladden will wave at us, it’s a real fun time. When we got there on Thursday, there was debris everywhere, people yelling, and what looked like claw marks?”

Those marks were courtesy of Luna, a 4-year-old grey wolf that was mistakenly sent to the CenturyLink Sports Complex.

“It appears that there was a regrettable breakdown in communication between the Twins organization and stadium staff,” said a spokesperson for Fort Myers Animal Control. “The Twins requested that they save a spot in the press box for The Wolf, a Minneapolis radio station. Stadium authorities misunderstood the request and reached out to Orlando’s Wilderness Safari and Topless Frozen Yogurt Bar to procure Luna instead. The resulting bloodshed was substantial.”

Authorities say at least 17 people were injured in the lupine rampage.

When Luna was loosed into the press box by her handlers, witnesses say she bypassed the chair, microphone, and headset that was set aside for her and immediately went to town on assorted media members.

“We turned around and saw this wolf gnawing on what I think was LaVelle (Neal, Star Tribune beat writer, who was treated and released from a Sarasota hospital with assorted cuts and bruises),” said Runnells. “She looked up and spotted Perk at Play (KARE sportscaster Eric Perkins, listed in stable condition with localized gouging) and pretty much flew right at him.”

Animal Control officials were able to sedate Luna, but not before she flung one media member (believed to be The Athletic’s Dan Hayes) at a half-dozen other press box visitors and “knocked them down like bowling pins before feasting on them,” according to one official. “Honestly it was pretty cool.”

The Athletic released a statement saying all their employees were accounted for and in good shape and also thanked Fort Myers EMTs for transporting the injured to the hospital after an unidentified Athletic employee was unable to rent a car due to an expired license.

They added that readers could use the code WOLFATTACK to get 30% off a one-year subscription through the weekend.

(Image license here.)