NatteringNabob

On Thursday, Twins Daily’s Melissa Berman explored some of the most exciting promos and ticket deals at Target Field this season. Today, we look at some of the less popular ones.
TOMMY HERR BOBBLEHEAD NIGHT: The wildly unpopular return in the trade for beloved World Series champion Tom Brunansky gets his own tribute on May 14th! The first 5,000 fans will receive a bobblehead that sulks, pouts, and has a remarkably lifelike “I don’t even want to be here” setting. “It’s as off-putting as the real thing,” said a clubhouse source. “Like a rag doll you find in an abandoned hospital.”
ALL YOU CAN EAT DOME DOG NIGHT: “While clearing out one of the team’s storage units in Maplewood, we discovered freezers full of Dome Dogs from 2009,” said Twins President Dave St. Peter. “Food waste is a real problem in this country, and we’re doing our part to address it.” On August 4th, adventurous foodies can purchase a standing-room seat plus a lanyard giving them unfettered access to 14-year-old meats for $25. HCMC, the Minnesota Department of Health, and The Vatican have already issued statements condemning the promotion.
SIT NEXT TO AN UNPLEASANT MAN FOR $7: “We always have a stray spot available in our premium sections behind home plate and in the suites,” said a front office source. “Without exception, they’re near a very loud man with too much money and too many opinions. But the seats are awesome.” Available in packages of 5, 10, or 20 games, these tickets are priced to move and will be especially appealing to those who have a high tolerance for hearing about who the real racists are.
THE BULLPEN BUDDY: With the team’s relief pitching still in need of upgrades, not a lot of free agent options, and a significant outlay of cash for Carlos Correa, the Twins are getting creative. This $1000 ticket allows you to sit in the home bullpen for any of the 81 games. The only catch: you’re pitching the 6th inning. “We’re getting money in the coffers and letting some folks live their dream of pitching against Mike Trout and Aaron Judge,” said a source with knowledge of the front office’s thinking. “There is some downside risk in that it violates league rules and a line drive will likely kill the ticketholder instantly, but we need to look at the big picture and let our legal team hash it out.” PECOTA projects an average Twins ticket buyer to have an ERA of infinity, making them roughly equivalent to Emilio Pagan “at a team-friendly price,” said the source.
Image license here.
 

I take the Green Line to work every day between the Twin Cities. Light rail gets a bad rap from guys in Elk River who think cowering in fear of Minneapolis is something to brag about, but it’s 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, and I can listen to podcasts about war or baseball.
Recently, while waiting for my train at the Prospect Park station, something caught my eye. Was it a food wrapper? No. An empty tallboy? No. It was a by god $10 bill. I picked it up, put it in my pocket, and tried to think of something I could do with it. As tempting as a fistful of Beef-and-Chedds from Arby’s is, this is found money. I do OK, it should go to a good cause.
In the end, there was only one right answer.
Carlos Correa , if you return to the Minnesota Twins, I will give you ten American dollars.
Now, I’m aware that your asking price is quite a bit steeper. I’ve read the interviews with Scott Boras and the copious hot stove analyses that say Minnesota is in play, but still an unlikely destination for your long-term services.
One thing I’ve also noticed: not a single GD one of them mentions paper money. This $10 bill I found? Cold hard cash. By the time you get to the end of this sentence, it’ll be worth more than every crypto scam and Twitter combined. And I’m telling you right now: You can have it. Just sign with the Twins.
I’ve watched enough bad shortstops over the years to know that your services are needed, especially with Royce Lewis’ health in question. The Boy Geniuses clearly agree and have already put together a competitive offer for your services. I’m putting $10 on top of what they’re already prepared to give you. Talk to Boras. Mull it over with your family. Take some time. I think you’ll agree this offer is fair, sound, and selfless.
I thank you for your consideration. (We can do the handoff at Arby's, too. First Beef-and-Chedd? On me.)
Regards,
Stu

TOM KELLY (MANAGER, 1986-2001): Just a great gal. Broke out of the gate quickly, lightning fast down the stretch, amazing haunches. So powerful. Always left the track in a good mood when she ran. [INFORMED THAT THIS IS NOT QUEEN ELIZABETH II, THE GREYHOUND KELLY WAGERED ON AT ST. CROIX MEADOWS, BUT RATHER THE HUMAN WOMAN] Oh. Well, that’s a shame. What country?
EMILIO PAGAN (PITCHER, 2022): I was fortunate enough to meet her on a visit to Great Britain in 2018. I even threw her a baseball for a photo op. She hit it 440 feet. I tip my cap to her.
ANDRELTON SIMMONS (SHORTSTOP, 2021): 96-year-old woman dies after getting the COVID vaccine? Coincidence? Yeah, right.
JOE MAUER (CATCHER, 2004-2018): Wow. Pretty big deal.
NICK PUNTO (INFIELDER, 2004-10): I slid headfirst into Buckingham Palace once. Guards got all bent out of shape about it and I’m like, “Hey, hustling doesn’t stop at the water’s edge, muchacho.” Anyway, that’s the only other time I had to fight extradition for wanting it more. RIP get money.
JUSTIN MORNEAU (FIRST BASE, 2003-16): As a Canadian, this means one thing: I must take up arms for the crown. If (Glen) Perkins or (Dick) Bremer get in my way, so be it.
GLEN PERKINS (PITCHER, 2006-2017): You know, it’s a complicated legacy. I th—wait a minute, what is (Justin} Morneau doing with…is that a musket?
DICK BREMER (TWINS PLAY-BY-PLAY, 1983-PRESENT): That’s a musket. Take cover, Glen. Fortunately, I’ve been to a St. Cloud State Homecoming or two in my day. [LIGHTS MOLOTOV COCKTAIL, HEAVES FLAMING COUCH AT POLITE YET FERAL SASKATOON HORDE]
BRAD RADKE (PITCHER, 1995-2006): I don’t think she was much of a fisherman, right?
BYRON BUXTON (OUTFIELDER, 2015-PRESENT): England is a country where I’ve never had a devastating injury. Liz is good by me.
ROCCO BALDELLI (MANAGER, 2019-PRESENT): Was following Phish around the country in 2015, just chill vibes for days. They played Alpine Valley and on night 1, the minute they kicked into “Tweezer,” who gets up on stage but the Queen herself? Just started jamming with Trey, couldn’t believe my eyes. Everyone says I was “feeling the effects” so to speak and there’s no video evidence, but I know what I saw. Her Majesty could shred.
DAN GLADDEN (OUTFIELDER, 1987-1991; RADIO ANNOUNCER 2000-PRESENT): America fought a damn war for me not to care about this. I tell you what though, if the Queen came out to the farm and helped me move some earth, lay some sod, get her hands dirty, and maybe punch that egg-sucking bastard Steve Lombardozzi right in the solar plexus, I’d pay my respects.
Image license here.

Joe Mauer Reviews Minnesota State Fair Attractions
“I don’t really like spicy food, but it’s cool what they do with butter.”
NOTE: RandBall’s Stu is moving his youngest child to college this weekend. He asked former Twins great Joe Mauer to step in and write about the great Minnesota get-together. Thanks for helping out, Joe!
Hey guys, it’s Joe Mauer from St. Paul. Like a lot of you I love going to the State Fair. If you’re new to Minnesota or haven’t gone in a while, here are some cool things to do.
THE GIANT SLIDE
A lot of you probably saw that picture of me and the kids on the Giant Slide last week. It was a pretty cool deal, but I made sure we hopped on right when we got there, before eating any of the food. When I was a kid, Jake (Mauer, Joe’s brother) got on it after eating a bunch of Fresh French Fries and he got a stomachache. We had to leave early so he wouldn’t barf. Mom was so steamed.
THE BUTTER SCULPTURE
I don’t really like spicy food or carving things (“Knives are the devil’s middle finger,” Mom says), but it’s cool what they do with butter.
SWEET MARTHA’S COOKIES
They give you a whole bucket of chocolate chip cookies! Las Vegas is supposed to be this cool, anything-goes city but I’ve been there, and guess what? No cookie bucket. What happens in Falcon Heights stays in Falcon Heights.
THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE
Went in here with (former Twins player and coach) Scott Ullger one time. Said one of the monarchs disrespected him. The next day he waved Jason Kubel home even though the shortstop had the ball. I don’t want to talk about it.
THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH CENTER
Mom doesn’t let us go in here but I’ve heard it’s pretty wild!
4-H BARN
Lotta cute animals if that’s your thing. It smells kinda like that one time Corey Koskie ate Indian food in Fort Myers, so just know that going in. Pretty strong!
THE HAUNTED HOUSE
Not a chance!
THE MIDWAY
I keep winning all the big prizes at the throwing games and the carnies get mad at me. Also if anyone wants 17 giant stuffed tigers shoot me a DM.
ALL YOU CAN DRINK MILK
Holy cow! LOL, pun intended. Brother, you can sit me down there all day with a cold glass of 1% and keep them coming! Everyone there calls me “Norm.” I don’t correct them, figure they have their reasons.
PRONTO PUPS
You guys know I’m not a guy who’s going to do a bunch of hot takes, but I’m just going to say it: Pronto pups are the real deal. Lotta pals love corn dogs, Glen Perkins says they’re “the glizzy” and I’m pretty sure that’s a Stillwater swear. For me, though? A pronto pup with just a bit of ketchup. Too much of the big red will get you antsy in the pantsy. Go easy.
Thanks for reading!
Image license here.
 

Minnesota shored up its rotation and battered bullpen in front of the 2022 MLB trade deadline to near-universal acclaim from local and national media. With the team’s obvious needs met at the cost of a handful of good prospects, local fans are left wondering what happened.
“That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works,” said Bruce Johnstone, a retired teacher from Alexandria. “You need to be like (former Vikings GM) Rick Spielman and draft quarterbacks who can’t throw or just forget to sign offensive linemen. Then you keep the job for 15 years. There are rules.”
The Twins acquired frontline starter Tyler Mahle from the Reds, closer Jorge Lopez from the Orioles, and setup man Michael Fulmer from the Tigers. The troubling display of attention to roster shortcomings makes Johnstone wonder when the next shoe will drop.
“When you’re the Twins, you sign the deflated shell of Bret Boone or pretend Matt Shoemaker just needs a few adjustments,” said the 66-year-old. “Getting the right people at a manageable cost feels like a thing that the Yankees or Red Sox do while we trade for Sidney Ponson. Something isn’t right. I want some answers.”
Brenda Perkins, a diehard Twins and Minnesota Wild fan, agrees.
“If you’re a GM, the thing you do is sign veterans to these giant [REDACTED] millstone contracts,” said the 35-year-old Plymouth native. “Put them on the payroll until they’re 58, watch their skills degrade in real-time, and destroy your salary cap for a couple decades. Reasonable moves made to help bolster a pennant run without mortgaging the future? What are we even doing here?”
It’s not just fans. Aaron Gleeman, Twins beat writer for The Athletic and celebrity spokesperson for Scribe’s Choice Neck Fan Solutions, LLC, says he is as surprised as anyone.
“This is out of the ordinary, to say the least,” said Gleeman. “It’s usually tweaks or sell-offs. I think a lot of us are using code SURPRISE to get 30% off a 1-year subscription to The Athletic. It’s remarkable.”
For his part, Johnstone is keeping it all in perspective.
“Two of those guys will need Tommy John before Labor Day. A piano will fall on Byron Buxton. Spencer Steer is the next Mike Trout. The alternative is too bizarre to contemplate: a Minnesota team made a series of shrewd acquisitions to improve their playoff chances. Yeah, right.”
 

DID THE TWINS MAKE A MOVE?
IF NO: Standing pat gives us every indication that the Twins hope the rotation’s slump ends, Kenta Maeda saves the bullpen, and the offense does the rest. I’m skeptical! THE END IF YES: DID THE TWINS TRADE FOR A STARTING PITCHER IF YES: I’m glad they did something, but I’m sorry to see (prospect name or names) go. THE END IF NO: What about the bullpen? I’m troubled! CONTINUE IF YES: DID THE TWINS TRADE FOR A RELIEVER IF YES: I’m glad they did something, but I’m sorry to see (prospect name or names) go. At least they didn’t trade Wilson Ramos for Matt Capps. I’m still very upset about that and I will die angry about it. I’m angry now! THE END IF NO: What about the rotation? I’m troubled! CONTINUE IF YES: DID THE TWINS TRADE FOR A CATCHER IF YES: I’m glad they added depth to the position with Jeffers’ injury, but I’m sorry to see (prospect name or names) go. And I'm troubled about the pitching! Very troubled! THE END IF NO: I think Drew Butera is a bullpen catcher for the Angels. A reunion has never made more sense. Bring back Sweet Drew! You can probably get him for some coupons. CONTINUE IF YES: DID THEY TRADE CARLOS CORREA DESPITE BEING IN FIRST PLACE AND AN OBVIOUS PLAYOFF TEAM EVEN IF THE PITCHING CONTINUES TO MAKE US ALL SAD IF YES: I hate this so much. You’re in first place, you stupid idiots. You fools. You fools. THE END IF NO: Good. You’re in first place, you stupid idiots. CONTINUE IF YES: DID THEY MOVE THE TEAM’S HOME GAMES TO DICK PUTZ FIELD IN ST. CLOUD, MINNESOTA BECAUSE THEY CAN’T AFFORD THE RENT IN THE NORTH LOOP IF YES: I guess I understand? Seems like a pretty long drive for a lot of season ticket holders, and they’ll have to share the field with the St. Cloud Rox, but they have a beer deck along the third base line. The rebuilt Ultimate Sports Bar is just down the way. The White Horse downtown has great food and killer drinks. Enjoy the Granite City! THE END IF NO: Good. That would be a weird thing to do? CONTINUE IF YES: DID THEY TRADE FOR JUAN SOTO OR AARON JUDGE OR SHOHEI OHTANI IF YES: I have died. I will not miss any of the players we traded. THE END IF NO: Glad I’m not dead, I guess. Woulda been cool though. THE END Congratulations! You've reached the end of the story. 
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash.
 

Thursday’s off day provided the Minnesota Twins with some much-needed downtime, including their annual Summer Potluck. But the charcuterie turned to carnage when members of the Twins bullpen botched their dish, injuring dozens in the clubhouse.
“We had a real nice spread laid out,” said a team source. “Buffalo chicken dip, sliders, Minnesota sushi, you name it. Then all of a sudden I just hear shouting and screaming and then the burning. The burning.”
Sources say the bullpen was assigned chips and ice, but when reliever Emilio Pagan got lost on his way to Kowalski’s and drove to Fort Smith, Arkansas instead, they improvised a pasta salad. That’s when the trouble began.
“First of all, they didn’t have any of the ingredients one would need to make a pasta salad,” said a clubhouse source. “They had plenty of enthusiasm, but noodles? No. Veggies? No. Dressing? No. A pot and water? Again, no.”
“I can’t stress this enough: the clubhouse doesn’t have a stove,” said former Twin and current Bally Sports North analyst Glen Perkins. “They removed it after they found out (Carl) Pavano was living there for a couple years to in his words ‘let some things sort themselves out.’ You couldn’t even start a fire if you wanted to. And yet.”
Multiple cell phone videos appear to show Twins reliever Caleb Thielbar and other unidentified relief pitchers pouring a Ziploc bag labeled “MAKE CAR GO WATER, DON’T DRINK” on a bucket of gum and sunflower seeds, then attempting to light the unconventional salad with a road flare.
“If I heard them correctly, they said they were marinating the gum and seeds mixture and hoping to sear it to seal in the juices,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “Right before the flames engulfed us, I heard Thielbar call it a Goodhue County sous vide. I don’t think that’s right.”
A team spokesperson said that no decision has been made about rescheduling Friday’s game at Texas. Although the injuries are minor, the spokesperson said the bullpen is entirely healthy and they must consider that before making the final call.
 

Save your comments about the Twins inexorable run of postseason trauma. Everyone knows about the streak. I’m not here to talk about the streak. What I’m interested in is, are this season’s Minnesota Twins set up favorably (from a roster construction standpoint) to make a run in October? I think the answer is no. Here’s three reasons why.
A Lack of High Leverage Relief Arms
Watching the Yankees come back to win the final game of their series with the Twins was painfully familiar. The Yankees slowly eroded a 7-3 Twins lead, behind an incredible effort from their bullpen. While the Yankees are an extreme comparison (they have the best bullpen in baseball), they are relevant for a few reasons.
One, they are the type of team you are going to have to beat to make a meaningful October run. Two, think about how October games are won. Short starts, lots of relief innings. I know I’m not the only Twins fan who wonders, after a solid four innings from Chris Archer, how Rocco Baldelli will navigate the bullpen gauntlet with the limited weapons he has at his disposal. Here are a few of the Yankees best relievers by FIP: Banuelos 1.57, Holmes 1.65, King 1.91, Peralta 2.78. Let’s go through a similar exercise for the Twins: Jhoan Duran 2.96, Caleb Thielbar 3.05, Griffin Jax 3.27, Smith 4.52.
While the Twins bullpen has generally been successful, they are not set up for October success. They lack enough high-leverage arms, and overall quality depth. This must be addressed ahead of the trade deadline if the Twins are serious about winning in October.
Not Enough High-Caliber Starting Pitching
While watching the Twins repeatedly hit the ball hard on Tuesday against Logan Gilbert in a game where the offense put up a higher xBA (.244) than the Mariners (.241), I asked myself if the Twins have a starting pitcher better than Gilbert? You can make a case that Sonny Gray and Joe Ryan are better, ultimately, they’re a similar caliber of starter to Gilbert. Outside of Gray and Ryan, there is no one on the Twins roster I would feel confident in going into an October matchup. Simply put, if the Twins are serious about winning in the playoffs, not just making them, they need to add another starting pitcher who can compete effectively in a playoff game.
A Feast or Famine Offense
I’ll end with the most modest concern. After losing to the Mariners on Tuesday night, the Twins has been shut out 9 times, most in MLB. While the offense is top ten in most major offensive categories (5th in wRC+, 7th in wOBA), they also have more peaks and valleys than other offenses. After recording 72 hits in 6 games against the likes of Gerrit Cole, Kevin Gausman, and Nestor Cortes, they proceeded to score 3 runs in their next 27 innings, against the Rays bullpen, Chris Flexen, and Logan Gilbert. While the offense is the strength of the team, the caliber of pitching, particularly relief pitching, will make putting up crooked numbers in October difficult.
Put simply, this Twins team is a jack of all-trades, and a master of none. Their offense is good, not exceptional. Sonny Gray and Joe Ryan are the only starting pitchers who have any business starting a playoff game. There are few to no trusted high leverage relief arms outside Jhoan Duran. If the Twins are to subvert the incredibly tiresome postseason narrative, the front office will have to do something they have yet to do with regards to roster construction; go all in.
 
 

Jimmy Trueheart, Young Child with Fear and Distant Wonder in His Eyes: Papa told me that sometimes good things happen to bad people. When we beat the Yankees to death and left them screaming on the side of a gravel road on Wednesday night, I asked Papa, “Are we the bad people now?” Papa said, “No, son. Some folks deserve to scream on the side of a gravel road on a Wednesday night. The sinner reaps that which he sows. A great culling awaits. Mostly for (The Athletic’s Aaron) Gleeman.” I like chocolate.
Fred Marsters, Frequent Internet Commenter: Why are people happy? They’ve lost one million games to the Yankees. Enjoying one victory, much less anything ever, betrays an obvious lack of critical thinking or needed context. My wife left me.
Collin Roberts, Usher: Watching Yankees fans file out of the stadium, reeking of imported cologne and $14 domestic lagers, has convinced me to return to church this Sunday.
Rocco Baldelli, Manager: So everyone talks about the Phish Halloween shows as being for newbies to the whole Phish experience, but I always say the more the merrier. It’s a communal vibe. They’re for everyone. Listen to the 1994 show where they do the White Album. Glen Falls. It’s a whole ‘nother level, brother. ‘Glass Onion’ alone is price of admission stuff. What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah, Yankees. Good win, guys did great.
Dana Wessel, FM Radio Personality: Remember when the lawyer in Jurassic Park got ate? My dude was on the toilet! Chompjection, your honor!
Terry Nelson, Suburban Hockey Fan from Blaine or Woodbury: I heard thugs check your ID at the Target Field gate to make sure you’re woke enough to attend a game and if they don’t mug you on the spot, they let you in, but still burn your car and make your daughters listen to hip-hop. My penis doesn’t work, and it has never worked.
Winston, a Black Lab Dog: My owners were high-fiving the entire night and killed an entire box of wine. I saw a squirrel outside the bay window in the 6th inning who was clearly an immediate threat, and the owners chose to kennel me and continue watching the game. Humans are a mystery to me. Squirrels must die.
Glenn Hauer, Longtime Twins Fan: I enjoyed it 100% because if history is any guide, the Yankees will resume crushing our hopes and dreams on Thursday.

I had the opportunity to interview The Guide a few years ago in 2018 which you can revisit here, and what’s great about the archives tour is, with a Legends Club ticket, it can be a self-guided tour. That said, what you’ll be missing are the countless stories that Doepner has to go with each piece of memorabilia that is displayed at Target Field. Not just a curator, Doepner is a former United States history teacher which, explains why he’s such a phenomenal storyteller making the memorabilia come to life through anecdotes that he keeps on an imaginary rolodex in his brain. Before sharing stories of the memorabilia, you learn of how he came into his role with the Twins which is also told in the interview linked above. In short, it started with a “thank you” and a cheap Twins owner, and then Doepner starts the tour.

The tour starts at Hrbek’s Pub right behind home plate. As you can imagine, or maybe have seen, the pub is full of memorabilia from Kent Hrbek’s career, including a bobblehead of the “wrestling move” in the 1991 World Series as The Guide put it, that you might have heard about once or twice. The picture below is from my personal bobblehead collection.

He goes on to point out each of Hrbek’s jerseys from his professional career from the Elizabethton Twins to the Minnesota Twins before pointing out that he was also able to grab Hrbek’s high school uniform from his time at Bloomington Kennedy. After coming up empty when he reached out to Hrbek and his former varsity coach, he was able to acquire the jersey from the former Athletic Director who was hesitant to hand over the piece of history. You’ll notice that all of the jerseys are hung high enough in the bar it would require a ladder to get them down, and when the former AD asked about the placement of the uniform Doepner told him “it’s so you can never take it back” with a chuckle. It was getting busy and our group was in the way so I couldn't get a picture of the jersey, but you can see it in the header photo on the bars website.

After you finish your drink at Hrbek’s, you can head up to the Legends Club (again, you’ll need a ticket to access the rest of the tour) and find the wood burned mural of Kirby Puckett behind the bar named after the Twins Hall-of-Famer and make your away to the display case near the back of the bar.

Doepner shares countless stories about the former third overall pick but what I find most interesting is the willingness of the family to “loan” the memorabilia to Target Field for all fans to see. In fact, even when Kirby’s children turned 18 and became the legal owners of Kirby’s estate, they agreed with their Mom that it belonged at Target Field. Every so often, Doepner will rotate things in and out of the case and had just done so at the start of the 2022 season.



As you’re making your way around the same case, you’ll come across one display dedicated to the three All-Star Games that the Minnesota Twins have hosted…1965 at Met Stadium, 1985 at the HHH Metrodome, and of course 2014 at Target Field. Doepner has the 2014 All-Star game as the second greatest event that Target Field has hosted only behind the stadiums first game in 2010.


Once you’ve reminisced over your favorite All-Star Game memories, head across the hall and find two cases dedicated to another hometown kid, Joe Mauer. Doepner hopes to double the size of this display sometime in the near future and is quick to point out Joe’s first uniform as a member of the Minnesota Twins organization is number 71…not number 1 like is the practice now when you’re a first round pick.

Doepner recounts living near the ballfield that Mauer grew up on and watching him as a little kid, not being the biggest kid on the diamond but being the best hitter he’s ever seen. It’s hard not to get the same chills you got on September 30th, 2018 when Doepner highlights the catcher’s gear that Mauer wore in the final game, final inning, and final pitch of his career. Despite hesitation from his doctors and his wife due to the number of concussions he’s had, Mauer sat behind home plate one more with the promise from the White Sox that Yoan Moncada would not swing at the final pitch Mauer would catch. I like to think of it as an ode to a player who was infamous for not swinging at the first pitch of an at-bat.

The Guide finishes the tour down the hall from Mauer’s display case by recounting memories from Hammerin’ Harmon Killebrew. In the display case, you’ll see a lot of non-baseball or Twins memorabilia that helps tell the story of Harmon’s life. From his days as an eight-year-old basketball player when he donned the number 3 which is now a retired number within the Minnesota Twins organization to when he was a senior in high school choosing his next path in life.

Despite being known as one of the most prolific home run hitters in Major League Baseball history, The Killer had offers to play football from the cream of the crop of football powerhouses at the college level. Fortunately for the Minnesota Twins franchise and baseball fans alike, he chose to sign a 3-year, $10,000 contract with the Washington Senators because he wanted to provide financial support for his family. From there the rest is history, with Killebrew hammerin’ 573 home runs…the final one fittingly coming as a member of the Kansas City Royals at Met Stadium and you can see the exact bat used in the display case.

This article (and surely the pictures...see the note below) doesn’t do the tour or Clyde “The Guide” Doepner justice. If you’re ever given the opportunity, please say “hi” to Clyde if you see him in the halls. He’s always around. If you’re lucky, you can pluck his brain on anything and everything related to the Minnesota Twins.

Note: I apologize for the picture quality. I’m not a photographer by any stretch and I did the best I could with the lighting! Even more reason to go on the self-guided tour yourself!



 

With the Minnesota Twins holding a surprisingly sturdy lead in the American League Central, it’s no wonder that the team’s fans have some strong words about their unexpected success.
“It is absurd to me that they treat Byron Buxton with kid gloves,” said Hank Winters, 67, a retired bank executive. “Harmon Killebrew played every day and he’s in the Hall of Fame. Buxton may as well just work for the government. Sick of this.”
The Twins lead the heavily favored and godless Chicago White Sox by three games after a rocky 4-8 start. They're on pace to win a stunning 94 games. This playoff-worthy effort has given the fanbase plenty to talk about.
“Royce Lewis hits the cover off the ball and you send him to Triple-A,” said Beck Bradford, 41, a youth volleyball coordinator from Castle Rock Township. “Miranda can’t hit a bull in the ass with a handful of sand and Correa won’t even be here next year. But the boy geniuses (Twins executives Derek Falvey and Thad Levine) looked at the algorithms and said, ‘Nope, Royce, you go over to St. Paul, grab a stool at Alary’s, get comfortable. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’
“I’ve never been more angry,” added Bradford.
Minnesota’s 22-16 record can be chalked up to several factors, perhaps none more important than the bullpen, which has been asked to do a lot with the starters still rounding themselves into shape after the lockout-shortened spring. This has not gone unnoticed.
“Chris Paddack is already going under the knife for Tommy John and we have no consistent closer,” said Tamara Kapsner, 49, a car salesperson in Robbinsdale. “Meanwhile, Taylor Rogers is going to the All-Star Game. If I made that kind of deal at my job they wouldn’t have to fire me, I’d just throw my [EXPLETIVE] in a box and go. Great call. Super.”
With the team’s schedule remarkably soft over the next couple weeks, the chance for Minnesota to put some space between them and the rest of the Central has people talking.
“I never took PTO in 27 years at TCF (Bank),” said Winters. “Because I had a work ethic. Did I miss birthdays and graduations and custody hearings and my third marriage? Yes. All of them. Cry more, Byron.”
“Spreadsheet oughta be manager, not Rocco (Baldelli),” said Bradford. “Bleep boop, pivot table, bench Correa, he’s played one game in a row, might hurt himself again.”
“May as well just trade (Jhoan) Duran for (retired former Twin) Mike Pelfrey,” said Kapsner. “Disgusting. Pohlads should’ve contracted them when they had the chance.”
 

Injuries are having a major impact across baseball, as teams scramble to field healthy rosters and make constant transactions with their minor league affiliates. No team has been more affected than the Minnesota Twins, who announced Thursday that they are placing their entire 40-man roster on the 10-day injured list.
“We were almost halfway there already,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “And given how banged up our quote-unquote healthy guys are, it felt like the right move.”
To take their place, the Twins are relying on a forgotten World War I-era rule that allowed teams to backfill rosters with “strapping farmhands, eccentrics, spinsters, and gifted children from the area as our stout young lads take it to the Kaiser” in an emergency.
Sources say Major League Baseball leadership is furious, but their hands are tied.
“It was only meant to apply when players got drafted or volunteered for military service,” said a source close to MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “We now realize the vague wording gives teams like Minnesota some wiggle room. Unfortunately, the rule is very specific about the only person who can nullify the rule: Woodrow Wilson, who has died.”
The Twins are said to be scouting local high schools, rec centers, and playgrounds for “big kids” who could handle the physical rigors of professional baseball and give Minnesota a chance to compete in the wide-open AL Central.
“One of our scouts saw a kid named Cotter playing pick-up basketball at a park in northeast Minneapolis,” said Baldelli. “He was a good 4-5 inches taller than all these rickety dad types he was playing against. Just dominating them. Long story short he’s playing first base Friday and Saturday. He has Confirmation at his church on Sunday so we might build in a rest day, we’ll see how things develop.”
As for why the team is not using their own minor leaguers, Baldelli was uncharacteristically blunt.
“Fuel costs make all these call-ups crazy expensive, and a lot of these kids already have bus passes or a parent with a Honda Odyssey for carpooling. Also, the rest of the month we play Cleveland, Oakland, Kansas City, and Detroit. If we fielded a team of dogs in people clothes, we might go .500.”
 

The pace of the Twins offseason went from zero to 100 once the lockout ended, with a flurry of moves by Minnesota’s management duo (President of Baseball Ops Derek Falvey and GM Thad Levine) leading to a radically different opening day lineup.
And the pace has not slowed down.
Shortly after moving closer Taylor Rogers and prospect Brent Rooker to the Padres for pitchers Chris Paddack and Emilio Pagan, the team announced that they traded team mascot TC Bear to the Jacksonville (FL) Zoo and Gardens. In return, they’re receiving a significant number of snakes, reptiles, and other creatures.
“I’m just going to come right out and say that I don’t know what we’re going to do with a half-dozen Burmese pythons,” said Falvey. “But we hadn’t made a trade in a good 2-3 hours, and the rush of acquiring and sending away assets is unbeatable. We’re hooked, baby!”
Levine, who said he hasn’t slept since Monday afternoon, was equally enthused if unclear about the trade.
“Do you know if a monitor lizard is cool with letting relievers ride him out of the bullpen,” said Levine. “I don’t want to get on PETA’s radar, but I’ll be honest, I don’t know where we’re going to put him otherwise. GOD I LOVE TRADING, CAN’T BEAT IT.”
Neither Falvey nor Levine would comment on the fact that TC Bear is not a real bear, but in fact a person in a pretend bear costume who is being sent to a zoo to live among real bears that will likely visit mind-bending violence upon him.
“He’s dealing with it as best he can,” said a source close to the man who wears the costume. “Is it as bad as when (former Twin) Andrelton Simmons demanded to speak to the mayor of the talking bear village where TC Bear lives about repealing their mask mandate? No. Still, the threat of mauling is one he takes seriously.”
The team says there are no further moves in the offing, and rumors that Minnesota is trading an old Metrodome urinal trough for a shoebox of expired prescription drugs are unfounded but they're very open to it and would throw in a gently-used Mike Maksudian.

Lisa Edmund is just about to lose it.
“Where are the pitchers? Where’s the shortstop? Do we have any catchers left?”
Edmund, 44, is a Minnesota Twins fan since childhood. She spent most of her winter fretting about the owners’ lockout. As the rhetoric grew harsher and games started getting canceled, she “totally panicked.” When the two sides finally came to an agreement last week, the Belle Plaine native was profoundly relieved, right?
Wrong.
“The regular season starts tomorrow, basically. They made a bunch of trades and still have gaping holes in the roster. This cannot possibly be the plan. I feel like I am taking crazy pills.”
When it was pointed out that the Twins did acquire a top-of-the-rotation starter in Sonny Gray, Edmund grew agitated.
“Did they get four more Sonny Grays? Can he come out of the bullpen on his off-days? Do they really expect to contend this year? And if they don’t, why did they trade Chase Petty? I’m trying to find any sort of road map here and I’m coming up wanting.”
While the front office has urged patience, Edmund refuses to heed that advice.
“I’ve seen this before. Remember when they brought up Jason Bartlett as the 25th man even though it made no sense and then he just went, 'Oops, retired, smell ya later' and we all just had to deal with the fact that they only had 24 guys to bring north and just started asking around if anyone else felt like going? That’s where we’re at now. We just dumped all of Josh Donaldson’s contract, we have money to burn and spaces to fill. Last I checked, we picked up Jose Godoy to be a less-swole Ben Rortvedt. Terrific. I should get season tickets because I’ve never seen a team play without a shortstop for 81 games, oughta be a blast. This is madness.”
When asked if she was actually happy that the season was saved, Edmund took a moment to ponder the question and light another cigarette.
“I guess so? I would have been miserable if the owners banged the season, but I’m miserable now, too. It’s like riding a bike, but the bike is existential sadness and it doesn’t have a bullpen.”

Although most pitching prospects begin their minor league careers as starters, many of them eventually wind up in the bullpen at the MLB level. The Minnesota Twins are very familiar with how this transition can lead to a fruitful career with the likes of Joe Nathan, Glen Perkins, and, more recently, Tyler Duffey doing so under their watch.

The Twins currently have a multitude of pitching prospects who are knocking on the door to the majors, but it is unlikely that all of them will stick as starters. Below are five names who could not only make the switch to the pen, but may ultimately perform well in the closer role.
RHP JHOAN DURAN
2021 stats (Triple-A): 5 G, 4 GS, 16 IP, 5.06 ERA, 3.86 FIP, 22 K, 13 BB, 16.7% HR/FB

Duran has, without a doubt, the most electric raw stuff in the Twins' farm system. He regularly hits 100 mph with his 4-seam fastball, which pairs well with his splitter-sinker hybrid (low-90s) and curveball (mid-80s).
However, his poor command and right upper-extremity injury history may limit the overall height of his ceiling; he’s only ever thrown more than 70 innings in a season once.

There are many similarities between Duran and former Twin Brusdar Graterol, so it would not be surprising to see their careers take indistinguishable paths. Graterol was solid out of the pen for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 2021, though he functioned more as a set-up man than a closer. 

A shift to the bullpen may be in Duran — and the Twins' — best interests in the short and long-term.
RHP LOUIE VARLAND
2021 stats (Low-/High-A): 20 G, 18 GS, 103 IP, 2.10 ERA, 2.34/3.20 FIP, 142 K, 30 BB, 6.9%/5.8% HR/FB

The Twins' 2021 Minor League Pitcher of the Year burst forth out of obscurity this past summer on the back of a fastball that jumped in average velocity from the low-90s while at Division II Concordia University, St. Paul to the mid- to upper-90s with above average spin. 
He also owns a biting curveball that plays well down in the zone, feeding off the dominance of his fastball up. However, he lacks a third pitch and, despite low walk numbers, occasionally struggles with command, particularly that of his breaking ball. 

Varland will likely stick in a starting role as he advances through the minor leagues, but unless he develops a third offering or cleans up his curveball, his future may be as a back of the bullpen ace. The Twins have had previous success with closers from St. Paul, after all.
RHP OSIRIS GERMAN
2021 stats (Low-/High-A): 38 G, 0 GS, 4 SV, 59 1/3 IP, 3.34 ERA, 3.14/2.69 FIP, 90 K, 24 BB, 12.5%/4.5% HR/FB

At just 23 years old, German is still at least a couple of years away from sniffing the majors, but it’s easy to see why he is highly thought of after watching just a couple of pitches. German has that undefinable, yet important electricity that many of the game’s best bullpen arms possess. 

While his fastball pops out of the hand and plays well up in the zone, it’s his breaking ball that is the star of his show.
What may prevent German from reaching his potential, however, is his erraticism and high-effort delivery. German doesn’t possess good command of either his fastball or curve, often overthrowing both. From a mechanics perspective, doesn’t get enough push off from his lower extremity which causes him to rely on the whipping action of his core and shoulder to produce torque and velocity

German is the perfect candidate for a tweak in his delivery as well as the development of a third pitch (perhaps a cutter?). If he can hone his command, his stuff is good enough to reach the majors.
RHP COLE SANDS
2021 stats (Double-A): 19 G, 18 GS, 80 1/3 IP, 2.46 ERA, 3.55 FIP, 96 K, 35 BB, 7.2% HR/FB

Sands was among the Twins’ most steady minor league starting pitchers in 2021. He consistently pitched until at least the fifth inning and racked up strikeouts with the best in the system, ranking ninth overall.

The former Florida State Seminole has a three pitch mix consisting of a fastball, curve, and changeup, though only his breaking ball is currently an above average offering. (His fastball is close, and may already be there, depending on whose opinion you seek.)
In many respects, Sands is a carbon copy of current Twins’ reliever Tyler Duffey, who has been among the team's more consistent bullpen arms over the past couple of seasons.
Sands currently may lack an electric fastball — which is often a requirement among back of the bullpen arms — but his curveball and punch out pedigree is intriguing. 
HIBERNATION CANDIDATE: LHP AARON ROZEK
2021 stats (Rookie Ball through Double-A): 16 G, 7 GS, 56 1/3 IP, 2.40 ERA, 0.81/2.48/4.40/2.15 FIP, 74 K, 7 BB, 0.0%/14.3%/18.2%/0.0% HR/FB

Rozek came out of nowhere during the 2021 season. The Burnsville native and Minnesota State University, Mankato alum signed with the Twins on a minor league deal in late June before proceeding to pitch to great success across four levels of play. (He had never played in the minors prior to his signing, though he did play Indy Ball during 2019.)

Rozek possesses two breaking pitches — a slider and a loopier slurve — which he uses primarily as his out pitches as well as a a fastball, though it is rather mediocre.
At age 26 with less than one season of MiLB experience under his belt, the likelihood Rozek ever makes it to the parent squad is slim. Add in the fact that he is left-handed and doesn’t possess an elite fastball, and the odds of him ever being a closer are nearly nil. But for an undrafted free agent from an NCAA Division II school, he displayed plenty of talent that should pique the interest of Twins’ fans. 
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Subject: Jeffrey Alan “Buddy” Boshers
Why You Remember Him: In the eminently forgettable 2016 Twins season (59-103, sadness everywhere, any teen fan who watched them is a Goth now and that’s to be expected), a man took the mound for the Minnesota Twins. A man with a plan. A man named…Buddy.
Boshers, a Huntsville, Alabama native, pitched in 37 games for that cursed squad. He went 2-0 with a 4.25 ERA. He followed it up with 38 games for the much-improved 2017 team and didn’t lose that season either. Yes, win-loss records are a devalued currency. Yes, he was a situational reliever. Yes, he was often in games where Ricky Nolasco had already given up seven runs in 2.2 innings. BUT STILL: Buddy Boshers never lost a game for the Minnesota Twins, including one of their most historically inept teams. Where is his bobblehead, Twins PR?
What You Don’t Remember: He was a 4th-round draft pick! The Angels selected him in 2008.
America’s Ten Greatest Buddys, Ranked:
Buddy Holly Buddy Guy Buddy Rich Buddy Hackett Buddy Miles Buddy Ryan Buddy Ebsen “Buddy Holly” by Weezer Buddy Boshers Buddy Valastro, TV's The Cake Boss (Yes, I'm aware of the NBA's Buddy Hield, but he's Bahamian. Also, Hield got his nickname from Married With Children's Bud Bundy. The more you know.)
What’s He Up To: Appears to be semi-retired after pitching for the Blue Jays in 2019. He spent 2021 working at The Yard, “North Alabama’s premier private indoor sports and training complex designed for softball and baseball players of all ages and skill levels.”  Also found him on Facebook and his family is adorable.

The show was taped earlier this offseason, but until today Park has been forbidden from admitting he was a contestant, and is still bound to secrecy about how the episode turns out. He prepared throughout spring training and the season for the competition, and even coaxed the producers of the show to delay his appearance until after the Twins’ season ended.
Park will compete against “Jeopardamy”, Amy Schneider, who has dominated the competition recently. She has already won $536,400 during her 13-game win streak, moving her into 4th place in Jeopardy! all-time winnings list for regular players. TheJeopardyFan.com predicts a 24-game win streak for her, which would give her a 91.956% chance of continuing her streak through 14 games, which would of course mean a one-and-done for Do.
But don’t count our guy Do out. Park graduated in 2017 from Stanford with both a master’s and bachelor’s degree in chemical engineering and another master’s in computer science. He also graduated from St. Paul Central early . The kid has some serious game. Can he perform a Twins-vs-the-Yankees level upset?  Tune in this Monday (locally) at 4:30 PM on KARE11 to find out.

The owners of Major League Baseball locked out the players just after midnight on Thursday morning, ensuring baseball’s first work stoppage in over a quarter century. And Shad Browne knows who to blame.
“These players are greedy and entitled, I’m sick of ‘em,” said the Fairmont landscaper. “They get paid money to play a game and sometimes you’ve gotta take a stand.”
The owners, wealthier than the players by a monstrous degree and living lives of unimaginable luxury, do not receive the same level of disdain from Browne.
“Lotta these owners are entrepreneurs who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps to make their money,” said Browne incorrectly. “Meanwhile, the modern player just takes a day off when they feel like it. The way I see it, you don’t play, you don’t get paid.”
Browne, who took PTO last Monday because the Vikings lost and he was “super hungover,” said he sees a lot of himself in owners, despite this being remarkably untrue.
“They’re just trying to run a business same as anyone else,” he said with the steady resolve that only the deeply ignorant possess. “I guess I’d just like to see a little more gratitude and a little less attitude from the millennial generation.”
Browne, who used the word “meritocracy” in reference to a country where you don’t have to work a day in your life if your great-granddad sold mustard gas to Kaiser Wilhelm, dismissed the notion that the owners should take some of the blame for instigating the lockout they instigated.
“At the end of the day, they’ve got a business to run,” said Browne, for whom the concept of generational wealth has never so much as registered for one second of one day. “If the players can’t handle that, they can get a job just like anyone else.
“It’s just not right,” said the cornfed rube.

“When I was growing up, we didn’t just cut a guy loose after a bad year, we kept him on the team for years,” said Stephen Gilchrest, an electrician from Castle Rock Township. “It sucked. I hated every minute of it.”
The 50-year-old father of two was in the prime of his Twins-loving life when Minnesota acquired reliever Ron Davis from the New York Yankees. It left a mark on Gilchrest that he says he still feels.
“I don’t think you really ever get over something like that,” said Gilchrest, his voice lowering as he battled to keep his emotions in check. “At the same time, it teaches you so many valuable lessons that you can draw on in everyday life.”
Such as?
“Pain. Life is pain. Keep your expectations low. Understand that the world is not fair, and it will never be fair. Unqualified people will maintain positions of privilege despite flaws so glaring it’ll make your teeth hurt. Ron Davis will be your team’s closer for over four years and there’s nothing you can do about it. Admittedly that last one is super specific, but it still resonates.”
Although many might be glad the Twins are opening a new chapter in their search for a 2022 closer, Gilchrest is not among their ranks.
“What kind of lesson does it teach the kids of today when the Twins can just go out and make the right decision, just like that,” asked Gilchrest. “I had to suffer for years. I listened to the Jamie Quirk game on the radio and my dog died the next day. I buried Shep and my dreams on the same weekend in 1984.
“You know who the closer was in 1985? Ron Davis. That’s when I stopped going to mass.”
Gilchrest worries that the move might cause some younger fans to get too confident in the team’s prospects.
“They’ll probably get a younger guy on a cheaper deal and he’ll turn out to be OK, maybe even better than OK, and the kids will get their hopes up,” said Gilchrest. “Hope. That’s what always gets you. Hell, I’m thrilled that they’re going in a different direction, but isn’t it even more important to let the children know that nothing gets better? Put Colome out there with a 2-run lead on Opening Day 2022. They’ll learn something that day.”

The prospect of a Major League Baseball lockout is growing by the day. While impacts on free agency and the 2022 season are only speculative at this point, some segments of the economy are already facing the consequences of a potential work stoppage head-on.
“The male beat writers aren’t buying their new Spring Training shirts,” said a source close to the Minnesota chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America. “Can’t justify the expense if there won’t be a spring training.”
Replacing the previous year’s shirts, often marred by sweat, spilled coffee, missing buttons, and stains from a staggering variety of dipping sauces, is a hallowed tradition for writers both old and new.
Right now, this tradition is riding the pine.
“The whole market, be it staid Target golf polos or hideous button downs from brands with names like Panama Beachcomber, is in shambles,” said Steve Mediate, a consumer goods analyst for Forbes. “Clearly, they’re holding off until there’s more clarity from MLB and the players union.”
Mediate is concerned that, even if an agreement is reached and a lockout avoided, it’ll be too late for the journalists to acquire their repulsive garments.
“There’s a textile factory in Vietnam that specializes in the more garish designs certain baseball writers favor,” said Mediate. “They’ve been shuttered for a month. If he wants a shirt that looks like an educational film about farm accidents, they’re not even making them right now. His best bet for a button down designed by someone who hates the gift of sight and the concept of beauty is a vintage store or Goodwill.”
Mediate confirmed that similar impacts are being felt in sectors like sandals and dumb-looking hats.
“There are warehouses full of hats that keep the sun off your neck and also make you look like a real chump, a cosmic dorkwad who frankly should be bullied,” said Mediate. “They’re gathering dust and not going anywhere. It’s a mess.”
Image license for photo of grotesque shirts here.