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  • sat·ire | (/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/) | noun
    the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

    Local Man Selects March 16th as Byron Buxton Panic Day

    RandBalls Stu

    By RandBalls Stu

    While the oft-injured superstar awaits his spring training debut, one fan prepares for the worst.

    Image courtesy of Jordan Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

    Twins Video

    The Twins are a little over halfway through spring training. One notable absence from pretend game action: Byron Buxton. The oft-injured superstar hasn’t played an inning of pretend baseball yet. The team says it’s standard operating procedure for players returning from injury. Doug Spivey is taking them at their word.

    Until Thursday, March 16th.

    “If he isn’t in the lineup by then I am flipping my [EXPLETIVE],” said the Eveleth pipefitter. “What if he’s out half the season? What if it’s career-ending? I’m going to freak the [EXPLETIVE] out and that is a promise.”

    The Twins open the season at Kansas City on March 30th.

    “By then it’ll be two weeks on the nose until the regular season,” said the 52-year-old. “Right now, I’m calm and cool. Let him work out behind the scenes, trust the process, embrace serenity. But at midnight next Thursday I’m going to run shirtless around town, weeping and wailing.”

    At least one Twins expert agrees.

    “I’m not conspiratorial about this at all,” said Twins Daily founder John Bonnes. “I don’t think there’s anything they’re trying to hide from us. The games aren’t as important as the rehab. He knows how to field and hit. But! If he’s not playing in a week, I will be rending garments and screaming for justice. I will drink IPAs that aren’t fruit-forward with notes of passion fruit and mango. I will lose my mind.”

    Spivey says he’s noticed an uptick in internet chatter about Buxton’s absence.

    “Once Correa started playing, I think everyone assumed Buxton would follow suit,” said Spivey. “And then he didn’t, and the comments sections started getting real suspicious about what was quote really happening unquote. I still think we’re fine and I have a big grin on my face for the upcoming season.

    “However, I’m prepared to apologize to Reddit user frankviolamustacheride42069 if it turns out Buxton is still banged up. I was wrong to doubt you, frankviolamustacheride42069.”

    The Twins face the Orioles today at 5:00pm. Buxton is not expected to play.

    “I’m still not worried,” said Spivey. “Every moment spent waiting is agony, but I'm not worried.”

    Steve "Stu" Neuman. Local copywriter, husband, father of two, inventor of the atomic bomb.
    Follow RandBalls Stu on Twitter: RandBallsStu

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    MABB1959

    MABB1959 527

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    I am worried.  Probably too many years of constant waiting.  Glass half empty, they are not going to announce anything the last possible minute, so it doesn't have an effect on ticket sales.  I don't trust the front office or Pohlad's all that much.

    I think it was last year there was a shortened spring training and all kinds of excuses were blamed on that. 

    I really hope he is okay and ready for Game 1 of the season and that he plays most of the year in CF.

     

     

     

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    mikelink45

    mikelink45 10,958

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    52 minutes ago, MABB1959 said:

    I am worried.  Probably too many years of constant waiting.  Glass half empty, they are not going to announce anything the last possible minute, so it doesn't have an effect on ticket sales.  I don't trust the front office or Pohlad's all that much.

    I think it was last year there was a shortened spring training and all kinds of excuses were blamed on that. 

    I really hope he is okay and ready for Game 1 of the season and that he plays most of the year in CF.

     

     

     

    To keep him fresh for all the season what you're seeing in spring training is a preview of the year. We aren't going to put him in the field or at bat but we are going to have him in batting practice everyday so he can entertain those who come to the game early. 

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    wsnydes

    wsnydes 12,843

  • Community Leader

    • Posted

    Is this like Valentine's Day where even though you're supposed to love and appreciate your significant other every day of the year, there's one day set aside each year where you're obligated to buy a card and such?  

    Hallmark really does think of everything.

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    Dave The Dastardly

    Dave The Dastardly 3,384

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

    Several months back I suggested the Twins let Buxton ride the bench until after the All-Popular Game. That way Buck might actually be healthy and available to keep the team from repeating the Dreaded 2022 End Of Season Fade.

    Now I fear Rocco may have read that post and taken it seriously. It was tongue-in-cheek, Rocco! Tongue-in-cheek!

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    Huskerboy2

    Huskerboy2 0

  • Verified Member

    • Posted (edited)

    Thrilled that we haven't seen  some pf the regulars very much. Seing a lot of at bats going to guys we need to get to know before they head off to WBc  and guys who have to get their act together. besides i don't get to town until th 16th when i look forward to see more of the regulars/rehabbers getting ready to play for real.  Only time will tell wh is well

    Edited by Huskerboy2
    typos
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