Local Contrarian Baffled by Slumping Buxton

Unlikable Chaska man Barry Daniel is stumped.

It seems like only yesterday that Daniel was irritating his co-workers and a Dunn Bros. barista by loudly proclaiming that Byron Buxton can’t be an MVP, because MVPs play every day.

“He came in here, looked at someone reading the sports section, and said ‘Byron Buxton isn’t even the best outfielder on the team, much less baseball, if he isn't in the lineup every day,’” said Alicia Voss, shift supervisor at the Chaska Dunn Bros. outlet. “I don’t even watch sports, and the customer reading the paper had his AirPods in. There was no audience for this. None.

"Also, he didn’t tip and made a point of holding up the line to tell me his philosophy about why.”

A little more than a week later, Buxton is mired in a 0-for-26 slump and could probably stand a rest day or two to work on whatever’s malfunctioning. There is no such option for Daniel, who hasn’t been invited to the last seven Daniel family Christmases.

“What am I supposed to do with this,” pleaded Daniel. “Clearly, he needs to be sent to the minors or benched for Zach Granite, but I just said he needs to be in the lineup every day. I don’t know him personally, but it’s hard not to think he’s doing this to his critics on purpose.”

Daniel, who predicted the cryptocurrency crash by accident and is now urging other Star Tribune Facebook commenters to “buy the dip,” despite not knowing what cryptocurrency is or what “buy the dip” means, is left to find his own path out of this dilemma.

“He should be playing every day, because otherwise he’s hurting the team. But he should be benched, because otherwise he’s hurting the team. I am in a real pickle here. It shows a lack of professionalism from both Buxton and the Twins.”