Homonym Leads to Hot Water for Jason Castro, Twins

Fort Myers police say they have reason to believe that Castro is behind a wave of crimes that have led to at least a half-dozen Twins pitchers arrested for crimes they claim they didn’t commit.

Police spokesperson Mitch Haley says it appears Castro misunderstood staff directions to focus on pitch framing as a directive to “plot increasingly elaborate heists, capers, even frolics” and frame his battery mates for them.

“We think Castro knowingly framed various teammates for crimes they did not commit,” says Haley. “We believe he was acting on orders from Twins management. It’s a serious situation, and I cannot comment any further as the investigation is ongoing.”

In one incident, a Cape Coral pet store reported that all its cockatoos had disappeared, with a note left behind on Minnesota Twins stationery saying, “You’ll never find me or your dumb talking birds, if these are the ones that talk. I think they are?” There was also a signed Matt Magill baseball card and some sunflower seeds at the scene.

A clubhouse source with knowledge of the situation fills in the rest of the story.

“The day before the cops showed up, (Jason) Castro gave Magill a custom T-shirt, said he liked to do it for all his pitchers. The shirt said ‘I Like Cockatoos, But I Love Not Paying For Them’. Cops show up the next day, Magill’s wearing the shirt as a laugh, and they open the empty locker next to his. 37 cockatoos fly out. It was pretty (messed) up. That's too many birds, man.”

Magill is still in custody as this goes to press. He joins Tyler Duffey and Blake Parker as Twins arrested for alleged bird theft from Gold Coast pet stores.

Team sources say this is not the first time an incident like this has happened. Multiple players confirm that former Twins catcher Tom Prince misread an early report about pitch framing in 2003 as pitch farming, and buried Mike Fetters alive in hopes of a bumper crop of husky veteran relievers in the spring. It is not known if he succeeded.