Cleveland Starts 3-Game Series Against Team of Only Babies

Minnesota's mild slump over the last month has coincided with a Cleveland surge. Terry Francona's team has feasted on the worst of the worst in Major League Baseball, narrowing the gap in the AL Central to a mere four games.

That easy stretch shows no signs of abating, as Major League Baseball announced on Thursday that Cleveland’s opponent this weekend will be the attendees of Sunshine Kidz, a day care center in Xenia, Ohio.

“We’re always looking for ways to grow the game with a younger audience,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “This effort looks to raise baseball’s profile with the youngest audience.”

The children, aged between two months and one year, will be outfitted with tiny gloves and bats and “next generation safety equipment and plenty of blankies” per Manfred. Despite this, some child safety advocates are concerned.

“This has to be illegal,” said Karen Lund, a spokesperson for the Ohio Department of Social Services. “How can this be happening? This can't be happening.”

Lund’s concerns, echoed by all the parents and guardians of the children, are much ado about nothing according to “Dirty” Gabe Dalton, co-host of Dirty Gabe and The Blurt’s Morning Meltdown on Cleveland’s 640 AM The Huddle.

“The political correctness in this country is out of control,” said Dalton. “First they want nets all over the place, and now they don’t even want the games to be played. It’s a classic slippery slope, big government crackdown on the free market. Welcome to Venezuela, folks.”

Manfred says that the utmost care will be taken to make sure the games are both safe and highly competitive.

“We're not going to put a 2-month-old on the mound, that's ridiculous, they don't have the arm strength. They've got a kid, Tyler, his first birthday is Sunday, and he once threw a pacifier so hard it broke another kid's skin. He's a rascal! The crowd is going to love him. If his brain was developed enough to create memories, he’d remember his first pitch for the rest of his life. To be clear though, he won’t. We should have probably considered this.”

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