Twins Awkwardly Add Max Kepler Back to Group Chats

[RandBalls Stu]

Teammates prepare for difficult conversations about emojis and nymphs.

Image courtesy of © David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

 

When the offseason began, there were two certainties: The Twins would move heaven and earth to get Carlos Correa back, and Max Kepler was going to be traded.

Through a wild series of events, Correa is back in Minnesota for a while. However, that second certainty? At this writing, it’s uncertain at best.

“Spring Training is two weeks away and Max (Kepler, Twins outfielder) is still here,” said Twins outfielder Trevor Larnach. “We sort of removed him from all of our group chats. It’s weird.”

The signing of fellow lefthanded corner outfielder Joey Gallo seemed to signal that Kepler’s time as a Twin was nearing an end. The trade for Michael A. Taylor seemed to put an exclamation point to it.

And yet.

“I sort of moved my stuff into his locker at Target Field,” said Larnach. “It’s going to be awkward already when we start texting him out of the blue about Fort Myers restaurants and agreeing he’s right about how great German chocolate is. We get it, bro, you’re from Germany. The locker is harder to explain.”

Fellow outfielder Byron Buxton agrees that it’s going to take a little finesse.

“We all kind of thought he was gone,” said Buxton. “And he doesn’t quite have a handle on how we use emojis here, so if we welcome him back with the wrong one, it could get sideways. The ‘cry laughing’ one means something so disturbing where he’s from that he didn’t talk to (Ryan) Jeffers for two months.”

Larnach was asked if Kepler might be open to bargaining.

“I just read some Grimm’s Fairy Tales to acquaint myself with his culture,” said Larnach. “These stories are messed up. The Godfather Death ruins harvests and the Three Nymphs of the Black Forest steal your soul and your maiden fair. I don’t know what a maiden fair even is. Maybe I should just buy him a car?”

 

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[miracleb]

Please don't waste our time with these.

[silverslugger]

It's all a bunch of schadenfreude to me😕😬😉

[h2oface]

Funny stuff. Working the "confusion" in - brilliant. The horror of Grimm's Fairy Tales. Love it. 

Pay no attention to the nay-sayer. Keep 'em coming. 

I remember the "confusion"....   https://www.yahoo.com/video/twins-outfielder-max-kepler-apologizes-for-controversial-photo-amid-george-floyd-protests-230841299.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAAqFFyRZ9ZV3VxHOyE9emsg3SVejNk3mRVJzoEwJzxoY2muvLYOG5hNhO1y8QcrTiZeu8Auo8sZS2AWxI2WfSHiLfqMKRuhHD7SA1FeNytu0N2Fi1ZmCMC8G4nCtC_tsijnEgd-gUgK0elPrrpSchaQduzPY2zNd5oz-PgFc8Cns

[Richie the Rally Goat]

I would call a hearty belly laugh time well spent.

great work Stu

[sorney]

1 hour ago, miracleb said:

Please don't waste our time with these.

I mean, you could just, not read it

[GeorgiaBaller]

Thats one of the most confusing articles I have read.  Maybe I understand a little more now why Kepler is always a trade target---he seems to be outside the circle.  Ballplayers are very cliquey, so if this is reflective of his relationship with guys on the team and they cut him out so quickly, it shows he's not a part of things--even when he is there.  

[miracleb]

Georgia above...... is why I say....please don't waste our time......  LOL!

[mikelink45]

How can you consider removing a German from the team - 38.6 % of Minnesotans are German - he is there for the state, if only we could add Irish, Swedish and Norwegians to the team.  Of course in a chat the problem could be language - hard to get that accent to work with voice recognition.  

Most important we now have Gallo to coach Kepler on how to stay on the chat and the team roster as reputed great fielders who can't figure out that a base hit is positive.  

Mein Gott, was ist ein Chat?

[DJL44]

2 hours ago, miracleb said:

Please don't waste our time with these.

I look forward to wasting my time with Stu's articles.

[Craig Arko]

 

[Brock Beauchamp]

1 hour ago, GeorgiaBaller said:

Thats one of the most confusing articles I have read.  Maybe I understand a little more now why Kepler is always a trade target---he seems to be outside the circle.  Ballplayers are very cliquey, so if this is reflective of his relationship with guys on the team and they cut him out so quickly, it shows he's not a part of things--even when he is there.  

This article is satire, just so you know.

[Brock Beauchamp]

Well, I see all of you wasted NO TIME AT ALL learning how to hammer that "disagree" reaction.

[BobAzar]

16 minutes ago, Brock Beauchamp said:

Well, I see all of you wasted NO TIME AT ALL learning how to hammer that "disagree" reaction.

I wanted to "like" this, but I had to use the "disagree", on principle. 

[ashbury]

7 minutes ago, BobAzar said:

I wanted to "like" this, but I had to use the "disagree", on principle. 

Concur. Or, maybe, not.

[D. Hocking]

Quote

“I just read some Grimm’s Fairy Tales to acquaint myself with his culture,” said Larnach. “These stories are messed up. The Godfather Death ruins harvests and the Three Nymphs of the Black Forest steal your soul and your maiden fair. I don’t know what a maiden fair even is. Maybe I should just buy him a car?”

I wonder if he gets angry or confused when he sees the Disney movies or if kept waiting for the birds to come blind the stepsisters in Cinderella.  

[MGM4706]

With the change in the Shift rule Kep will add 30-40 points to his average. Twins should keep him. Larnach should be the one on the way out. League has figured out he can't hit a breaking ball. Just like Sano. Plus his range is 3 feet to his left and 3 feet to his right and has NO CLUE on how to play the wall. Send him on his way!

[sampleSizeOfOne]

It is important to keep your satires properly inflated, especially in cold weather.

[chpettit19]

1 hour ago, MGM4706 said:

With the change in the Shift rule Kep will add 30-40 points to his average. Twins should keep him. Larnach should be the one on the way out. League has figured out he can't hit a breaking ball. Just like Sano. Plus his range is 3 feet to his left and 3 feet to his right and has NO CLUE on how to play the wall. Send him on his way!

In 2022 Larnach saw 4-seamers 31.4% of the time and hit .268 off them. Had a .464 slugging off them.

He saw sliders 21.1% of the time and hit .281 off them. Had a .500 slugging off them. So I guess he learned to hit at least 1 kind of breaking ball.

He was also one of the top rated cOF defenders in baseball last year. 

He does really struggle to hit changeups, though.

I think you're going to struggle to find any experts who are predicting a 30-40 point bump to any BA from the shift rule. Especially someone who hits as many popups and soft grounders as Kepler. I certainly hope he hits around .260, but I'm going to take Larnach's bat over Kepler's in 2023 without much question at all. Not to mention Larnach was also shifted on quite a bit (72.4% of the time) so wouldn't we expect his numbers to also go up?

[James]

1 hour ago, MGM4706 said:

With the change in the Shift rule Kep will add 30-40 points to his average. Twins should keep him. Larnach should be the one on the way out. League has figured out he can't hit a breaking ball. Just like Sano. Plus his range is 3 feet to his left and 3 feet to his right and has NO CLUE on how to play the wall. Send him on his way!

[Dman]

56 minutes ago, sampleSizeOfOne said:

It is important to keep your satires properly inflated, especially in cold weather.

I still remember the article they put out on Buxton when he was the minors.  Man that one had me in stiches and even though satire it seemed real enough and the comments were wild on that one.

I can't remember what it said but something about coaches wanting Buxton to stop at second instead of taking third on doubles because it wasn't fair to the other team or some such thing.  That had to be one of his best all time.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

4 hours ago, Brock Beauchamp said:

Well, I see all of you wasted NO TIME AT ALL learning how to hammer that "disagree" reaction.

Wait... Is it hammer time already?

Or should i stop?

(hoping for an answer of yes on 1. no on 2)

[James]

2 hours ago, sampleSizeOfOne said:

Wait... Is it hammer time already?

Or should i stop?

(hoping for an answer of yes on 1. no on 2)

Yes.

[davidborton]

10 hours ago, miracleb said:

Please don't waste our time with these.

 

“I sort of moved my stuff into his locker at Target Field ... I just read some Grimm’s Fairy Tales to acquaint myself with his culture,” said Larnach."

When I cruise TD, I look at the author. Some I breeze by but when BallsRand Is the author, I am all over it. No breezing by!

 

[ANDwon]

If only there was a hilarious disclaimer at the top of the page...oh wait...

[GeorgiaBaller]

@Brock Beauchamp---thanks---I am a little thick headed at this point in the winter, my HBPM still low and starting to come out of hibernation in my buildup to Spring Training 🥱!

[Brock Beauchamp]

Just now, GeorgiaBaller said:

@Brock Beauchamp---thanks---I am a little thick headed at this point in the winter, my HBPM still low and starting to come out of hibernation in my buildup to Spring Training 🥱!

It's the middle of winter. No one is expected to use their brain in February.

[twinstalker]

Um, satire isn't satire when you have to explain it.  Is this what the world has come to, that we have to explain that we're just kidding?

Anyway, nothing is funny that starts off by explaining that it isn't real.  We (hopefully) fully understand it's going to be satire, but it's ruined anyway.  Have you ever had someone show you something and say this is really, really funny?  It never is.