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Now that you've stepped in it, you need to step out of it. This is how to apologize, the Astros Way: When possible, don’t. See above. Just don’t do it. People will quote you, ask follow-up questions, and point out inconsistencies in your story. Bummer City, Population: You! Seriously, don’t. If the media or public demands a statement, see if you can do it by whomping on various household items, like it’s Morse code or something. People might get the joke, think it’s funny, and move on to a different story. If the media or public demands that you use your words, craft an insincere, hollow public statement, admit nothing and read with the affect of a hostage holding that day's newspaper to demonstrate proof of life. If that simply isn't good enough, construct your apology in the most passive voice possible, speak in vague generalities, and change the subject. Examples: BAD: I am sorry for what I did. I am responsible for my actions and accept whatever the penalty is, even if it’s a lifetime ban. GOOD: I regret the actions of the team while I was there. I don’t want to relitigate the past and am looking forward to the new season. GREAT: At the end of the day, it is what it is. Next question. GALAXY BRAIN: I don’t think I should be held accountable. [*]Everyone is going to mad after #5 even if you mean it! You really should have paid attention to the first two guidelines above. Why didn’t you read the first two guidelines? They were put at the top for a good reason! [*]Save a bunch of kids from imminent danger. People love kids. Those kids are sometimes on buses and those buses might be driving up a perilous mountain pass in a winter storm. If that bus starts teetering along the edge of a crevasse, get out of your car and get those kids to safety before the bus plummets thousands of feet. You’re no longer Alex Bregman, Houston cheater, you’re Alex Bregman, brave hero of the Greeley (CO) Death Bus.

As I write this, the sanitation team is here fixing a little alignment I made with our trash compactor. I wish you had booked them and had gotten the correct drumbeat nailed down before this 3-game series versus the Dodgers and I could have spent more time on, like, Twitter or something. We can’t wait to have you shine in what you do best and run our clubhouse so we can do what we do best and maximize every possible advantage regardless of legality. We are definitely the coolest team ever and we live in Houston. We had a clubbie temporarily in this position, and now we want you to keep our team running smoothly while he tries out for the Chanhassen High School production of Grease. We run our own baseball franchise and work from the stadium. The manager works for me, so we are literally here all the time. We are hilarious, we tell Altuve height jokes, and when we’re not wiring him to tip pitches from the best relievers in the game we do a lot of pep talks and picker uppers. You have to be super cool with that and the massive cheating. Narcs need not apply. If you describe yourself as optimistic, soulless, resourceful, super into breaking rules and surveillance—we’re on the right track. I am a former San Francisco tech bro, first page of Reddit, and I care a lot about how loud the percussion is because cheating is the Most Important thing to me for a million reasons. So if you are the type that “just doesn’t notice” when narcs are going to rat us out, thank u next. If you are going to judge us because we exploit technology to win one at-bat in an April game against Baltimore, you’re on the wrong post. I drummed all through high school and college and am still close with all my fellow percussionists. So I have a lot of opinions, backed by research, on how to optimize the Astros’ development, and I know what it’s like to be a drummer. There is no shaming in our clubhouse. We don’t cry it out. You can’t spoil a Marisnick. We are not scout-oriented and ask you to leave that to your personal time. Are you up for being the Loudest Drummer Ever that my manager is going to remember always and forever and have adorable nicknames for you, like Drummer Guy or Cheater Dude? If you’re not looking for a lifetime bond of chicanery this is not for you. We are not fantastic drummers, but you are! Whaling on trash cans is fun for you and you’re excited to help take care of other American League teams. Also, I have celiac disease, so you can’t bring gluten into the house. If you don’t know what gluten is and you’re not resourceful enough to google it right now, just beat the hell out of a trash can to indicate a change up is coming. If you thing that’s weird, we’re definitely not the right team for you. Check in on the Padres? Have you seen any soap opera, ever? You are the attractive stableboy to our unhappy dowager, minus the judgment. Basically, you have to help run the massive cheating scandal, and love doing it. If you think it’s cute to toss garbage cans in the air, omg NOPE. If you have a temper; if your blood pressure goes up when an umpire looks at the dugout; if you think it’s funny to joke about how blatantly we’re cheating, GTFO. If you are passive-aggressive/Minnesota Nice and will dislike this wave of malfeasance, lie about it, and then hold it against us, go make a hotdish in Mike Fiers’ oven. We’re complete liars, but honesty without tact is really not our concern. CHEATING IS COOL. I have visions of us driving to Galveston together and power-walking the shore with a World Series Trophy in our stroller. In November, we’ll make fun of Joe Buck on the beach.