Kanonen80

Remember Steve Carlton? The not-very-integral member of the 1987 World Champion Minnesota Twins was, at one time, the best pitcher in baseball. Four Cy Youngs, five years leading the National League in strikeouts (the fifth time at age 38), last pitcher to throw 300 innings a season, led the Phillies to their first title in 1980. A remarkable career.
He was also completely out of his mind.
Carlton never spoke to the media, which means we didn’t learn until he was long retired that he built a mountain lair with a 7000-foot storage cellar loaded to the gills with guns and bottled water for “The Revolution.” That revolution was coming thanks to Russian sound waves, the Skull and Bones Society, the Elders of Zion, the National Education Association, and more. I’m aware this qualifies him to represent the state of Georgia in Congress today, but in 1994 this was wild stuff.
One assumes that the Phillies knew that Steve was off his nut, but when you can produce like he did, you let that stuff slide a little bit, especially if he keeps it quiet. By the time he was failing to make the Minnesota Twins playoff roster because he wasn’t as good as Lester Straker, he was just a cooked 43-year-old with weirdly anti-Semitic ideas about how the world works. He never pitched again.
Which brings me to Andrelton Simmons.
Already the COVID patient zero of the Twins locker room, he took to social media on Thursday to let the world know, and I quote:
I’m not going to debate the efficacy of the COVID-19 vaccines with Simmons or anyone else, as there is no debate to be had. They work. Please shut up and let the horses have their wormer paste. (Also, it’s “effects.”)
Across town, the Vikings are dealing with a similar situation. A handful of their best players (Adam Thielen, Harrison Smith, I guess Kirk Cousins if you squint hard enough) apparently won’t get the vacc either. It presents some hard choices for them, as they don’t have quality replacements for any of them as the regular season looms, and the NFL will make teams forfeit games if they can’t field a lineup due to COVID quarantines.
The Twins face no such dilemma.
The season is over. Simmons is an offensive liability and a good-to-excellent defender, which basically makes him a better Jeff Reboulet, if Jeff Reboulet thought Jurassic Park was real. He’s on a one-year deal. Maybe if he was the standout player in a disappointing season you could let his idiocy slide. Or maybe if it was something less harmful and kind of quirky, like thinking the earth was flat or dedicating his Instagram Stories to proving that birds are a deep-fake.
He’s not good enough to get away with this. Let the summer of Drew Maggi begin.
Image license here.

Last season Mitch Garver was a non-factor at the dish for Minnesota. He played just 23 games in the shortened calendar but also posted a paltry .511 OPS. His expected on-base prowess had fallen off, and the power production was non-existent. Amid failed expectations, there was an intercostal injury that placed him on the shelf.
In talking with Garver and through observation while he was active, there was an evident inability to uncork his traditional swing path. The muscle strain was hampering his typical swing and had him late and less than effective when making contact. While all players deal with injuries or fatigue during a season, this was something Garver couldn’t produce through.
Fast forward to 2021, and we have seen the same stellar catcher that exploded onto the scene two seasons ago. Although he started slow and missed time due to a gruesome injury, he now has 50 games under his belt and is toting a .901 OPS. Since May 1, Garver owns a 1.060 OPS, and that number jumps up to 1.180 since returning from the Injured List. Blasting his way through opposing pitching staffs, Garver is working harder by carrying a 1.038 OPS against righties.
Now 30-year-old and under team control through 2023, there’s not much reason to extend the backstop. However, it is worth making the argument that Mitch may be the best catcher in baseball, and that’s something that the Twins would love to have at their disposal when retooling for another run at the division and beyond.
Joining him in this year of resurgence is none other than Jorge Polanco. After adding 22 dingers to the Bomba Squad tally in 2019, Polanco quite literally limped through 55 games and a .658 OPS last season. He was consistently bailing out on swings, revealing that his surgically-repaired ankle was never truly right.
Like Garver and many Twins batters, for that matter, Polanco got off to a slow start in 2021. Even despite that, he’s now racked up 100 games worth of action and has an .811 OPS to show for it. It’s all but certain that a new career-high in homers is coming, and the move to second base has proven to be a successful if not welcomed change of scenery.
Since July 1, Polanco owns a .963 OPS with a .325 average. He’s finding gaps, putting the ball over the fence, and looking like every bit of his swing exudes both confidence and power. Rocco Baldelli needed this version of Polanco back, and this is the guy Derek Falvey believed he extended before the 2019 season.
There’s plenty of reason to be skeptical about the Twins chances in 2022. They had a clear retooling opportunity, but the trade of Jose Berrios is a significant blow to their need for immediate pitching help. The front office will set out to find a new group of supplementing talent, but this internal pair is one they should again feel confident in for the year ahead. Minnesota was seen as a contender coming into 2021 due mainly to the expectations placed on the holdovers. Many failed to reach those marks, and some have still had more questions than answers. For Garver and Polanco, though, it’s never been more clear what’s left in the tank.
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When NASA astronomer Steve Bland observed a new asteroid hurtling through space earlier this month, he was alarmed. The object was clearly on a path that would send it directly towards Earth. “Obviously, that’s a nightmare scenario,” said Bland. “Even a relatively small object could wreak havoc on the impact area.”
Further study relieved Bland and his co-workers when it was determined that the asteroid, named 2021 SB, would disintegrate rapidly upon entering the planet’s atmosphere. However, there was one note of concern.
“Just from following the course it’s travelling through our solar system, there is zero doubt in my mind that it’s definitely going to land on top of Minnesota Twins center fielder Byron Buxton,” said Bland.
It’s estimated that 2021 SB will be the size of a golf ball once it reaches Buxton and will likely end its grand celestial journey on his throwing shoulder or right big toe.
“I can’t say I’ve ever seen anything like this before,” admitted Bland. "Most asteroids do not target individuals."
The Twins say they’ve been notified by NASA of the situation.
“It’s not an existential threat to all human life but Byron is for sure going to be out indefinitely,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “We spoke with Byron and he’s as disappointed as we are.”
Officials say the asteroid will likely reach Buxton immediately after his left hand is fully healed from the fracture suffered during Monday’s game versus Cincinnati.
“2021 SB actually appeared to slow down on Monday evening,” said Bland. “It was on pace to get here on Wednesday but now looks like it’s taking its sweet time. Yes, that’s unusual.”
Although Bland didn’t want to speculate on the actual date, time, and location, sources close to the team say they expect the space object to injure Buxton on his first day back with the Twins or on a St. Paul rehab assignment when he’s signing autographs for impressionable young children.