TwinsDr2021

Matt Shoemaker. J.A. Happ. Alexander Colomé. Chris Archer. Dylan Bundy. Emilio Pagán. Each of these players are veteran pitchers who struggled mightily out of the gate in a Twins’ uniform, yet were given a leash long enough to pitch well into the Summer (in the cases of Matt Shoemaker and J.A. Happ) or for the entirety of the season (for the rest of the players listed).
The Derek Falvey-led front office of the Minnesota Twins has repeatedly shown an affinity for signing aging middle-tier pitchers and a hesitancy to move on from those veteran pitchers, even when those pitchers are performing especially poorly. 
In 2021, this issue was seen all over the roster. J.A. Happ and Matt Shoemaker were giving up 5+ earned runs per start for months and Alexander Colomé was continuously trotted out to the mound to blow game after game.
Rather than learning from those mistakes in 2021, Falvey’s propensity for sticking with veterans too long was even more prominent in 2022. Both Chris Archer and Dylan Bundy somehow made it through the entire season on the roster, despite both of them being terrible all season and each finishing with ERAs in the high 4’s. 
And then there’s Emilio Pagán. We all know of the struggles that Pagán had in 2022, yet he was continuously relied upon in big moments throughout the season, and the Twins suffered mightily as a result. One would think that after the Alexander Colomé disaster of 2021 that Falvey would have learned his lesson, but things only got worse this season, as Pagán finished third on the team in innings pitched despite having the 8th worst win probability added in the American League. 
The most common rebuttal that I’ve heard from Twins fans defending Derek Falvey for sticking with his veterans is that there were so many injuries that the Twins had no choice but to stick with these guys. The final months of the 2022 season for the Twins, though, proved otherwise.
Over the final months of the season, the Minnesota Twins saw impressive debuts from rookies such as Louie Varland, Ronny Henriquez, and Simeon Woods Richardson. They also had other arms in the minors performing well, namely Evan Sisk, who posted a 2.00 ERA over 63 innings in Double-A and Triple-A.
Not only were the Minnesota Twins trotting out pitchers day after day that were actively losing them baseball games, but they proved at the end of the year that they had plenty of talent in the minor leagues that could have performed better and also gotten valuable experience they needed as part of the long-term future of this ball club.
Looking ahead to free agency of 2023, let’s hope that the Twins front office has finally learned from their mistakes with trusting middle-tier veteran pitchers. Time and time again, we have learned that veteran-ness does not automatically make you a better player and that by giving an opportunity to younger pitchers, you are unlocking opportunity and ceiling that simply isn’t there with the Dylan Bundy’s and Matt Shoemaker’s of the world.
 

The Minnesota Twins announced plans to revamp their uniforms and Target Field this offseason, including a massive upgrade to their outfield scoreboard.
Just don’t expect it to be all about baseball.
“Our marketing team, along with trusted advisers, says that our fans want to watch the antics and hijinks of NBC’s Night Court,” said Dave St. Peter, Minnesota’s President and CEO. “It’s the right call.”
Night Court, a sitcom set in a New York City courtroom, ran from 1984-92 on NBC. No one over the age of 35 knows what it is, but the team is confident it will appeal to all ages more than batting averages or scoreboard updates. The new scoreboard will show a constant stream of reruns at the expense of highlights, statistics, and game updates.
“The research is thorough and grounded in fact,” said St. Peter. “The zany antics of Judge Harry Stone, D.A. Dan Fielding, and Bull the loveable bailiff have cross-generational appeal. Millennials, Gen X, and Zoomers love Markie Post, and we intend to meet them where they’re at. If they want to know the score, the game is literally right in front of them. That’s not our problem.”
One problem is the fact that the sitcom was filmed before the age of high definition, and the resolution of the images has been described as “a nightmare come to life, but covered in cataracts” by a source close to the situation. St. Peter brushes off these concerns.
“The average age of our season ticket holders is 77,” said St. Peter. “They’ll just think they need to put their readers on. And you don’t need 20/20 vision to appreciate the gentle yet ribald humor of the wackiest municipal court in Manhattan!”
Image license here.

Derek Falvey and Thad Levine took over the Minnesota Twins front office six seasons ago. 2023 will be year seven. In that timeframe the club has been to the postseason three times while winning two AL Central division titles. There’s certainly some success there, but ultimately it comes with an 0-6 record in the postseason, which has accounted for one-third of the 0-18 futility during October.
There’s only a partial pass for the Twins to be had in 2022. The injuries were significant. 37 pitchers have been used for the first time in franchise history. Byron Buxton played injured from the jump, and time was missed by Alex Kirilloff, Trevor Larnach, Max Kepler, and Jorge Polanco. All those things are fair to suggest that plenty has been working against Rocco Baldelli and his bosses. It’s also time to realize there’s no more room for error or excuses.
It’s safe to say that the front office, and the manager, aren’t looking for a pass. Both those in the clubhouse and those employing it are looking for a way to create a sustainable winner for the future. Falvey was brought in to develop a pitching pipeline similar to that of Cleveland. Levine is a smart general manager who has made some shrewd moves. Baldelli can run a clubhouse and has orchestrated difficult decisions. For all the good each party has done, the results now have to follow.
In year seven the Twins won’t, and shouldn’t be given the benefit of doubt. 2022 saw a franchise-high payroll that included the signing of superstar shortstop Carlos Correa. He fell into Minnesota’s lap and is likely gone over the offseason. It will be on the front office to appropriately name his replacement, and find ways to use that money. Plenty of the roster is penciled but almost all of it carries some level of uncertainty as to availability or expectation.
There’s no more room for acquisitions like Dylan Bundy or Chris Archer. Every offseason addition has to be made under the premise of creating the best roster possible, with nothing added just to fill the fringes. Management can’t dictate any more reclamation projects to play a substantial role, and when something doesn’t work similar to Emilio Pagan this season, the plug has to be pulled.
It’s more than fair to understand those running the Twins are an incredibly smart group with very good ideas. Both rooted in analytical outcomes and results based decision making, there’s probably never been a better group across the board. Ultimately though, the only thing that matters is the wins and losses, and they haven’t had enough of them.
Over the winter the front office and coaching staff will need to find ways to improve internally. That will mean staffers being replaced, coaches being changed out, and developmental areas being addressed. This should be the last go-round for the collective as a whole, and there’s no excuse to forgo bringing in fresh faces to help reach the ultimate goal.
There’s plenty of argument to be made that 2022 was never seen as the year to go “all in.” The trade deadline was navigated with a focus on the now, but a vision to the future as well. Fast forwarding to Opening Day 2023 and the future becomes now, with no more room for missteps. It’s time to come through on the vision, or change it entirely.
 

Minnesota sports fans had to endure a long, 5-game weekend of dreadful Twins baseball, one that essentially zapped the squad's dwindling playoff hopes. After Monday afternoon’s 11-4 beatdown, anyone seeking solace from the Minnesota Vikings were met with a humiliating 24-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Monday Night Football.
Now, some local attorneys are fighting back.
“It’s outrageous that we just let the billionaires of Major League Baseball and National Football League schedule these games on the same day,” said Jacob Moynahan, a junior partner at Frederickson & Byron. “The foreseeable emotional damage this day would impart on innocent taxpayers and their guileless, doe-eyed children was avoidable. They simply chose to ignore it.”
Meyer is just one of the lawyers filing a class-action lawsuit against MLB, the NFL, Bally Sports North, and ESPN on behalf of Twins fans, Vikings fans, and anyone who was at a Buffalo Wild Wings for Boneless Wing Mondays and was exposed to the broadcasts.
“The Twins going into Cleveland with their season on the line is traditionally a bad idea,” said Robin Sherman, an attorney with Faegre Drinker. “The names ‘Ron Davis’ and ‘Jamie Quirk’ are burned into our collective memory, the trauma passed down from generation to generation.”
“You send the baseball team to Cleveland in mid-September,” said Moynahan. “Then you add Monday Night Kirk (a reference to Minnesota quarterback Kirk Cousins, whose performance in nationally televised games is often compared to watching your first childhood pet die from loneliness) to the mix? Malice. Negligence. High crimes.”
Sherman says they’re seeking damages in the millions of dollars.
“They say you can’t put a price tag on suffering,” said Sherman. “They also say the AL Central was an easy division to win, or that the Vikings turned a corner after whipping the Packers in Week 1. They say a lot of things. We demand compensation. We demand to be heard. We demand a Monday where we can watch Wheel of Fortune and get a good night’s sleep, where the sadness won’t find us.”
MLB, the NFL, the Twins, and the Vikings did not return calls seeking comment.
 

TOM KELLY (MANAGER, 1986-2001): Just a great gal. Broke out of the gate quickly, lightning fast down the stretch, amazing haunches. So powerful. Always left the track in a good mood when she ran. [INFORMED THAT THIS IS NOT QUEEN ELIZABETH II, THE GREYHOUND KELLY WAGERED ON AT ST. CROIX MEADOWS, BUT RATHER THE HUMAN WOMAN] Oh. Well, that’s a shame. What country?
EMILIO PAGAN (PITCHER, 2022): I was fortunate enough to meet her on a visit to Great Britain in 2018. I even threw her a baseball for a photo op. She hit it 440 feet. I tip my cap to her.
ANDRELTON SIMMONS (SHORTSTOP, 2021): 96-year-old woman dies after getting the COVID vaccine? Coincidence? Yeah, right.
JOE MAUER (CATCHER, 2004-2018): Wow. Pretty big deal.
NICK PUNTO (INFIELDER, 2004-10): I slid headfirst into Buckingham Palace once. Guards got all bent out of shape about it and I’m like, “Hey, hustling doesn’t stop at the water’s edge, muchacho.” Anyway, that’s the only other time I had to fight extradition for wanting it more. RIP get money.
JUSTIN MORNEAU (FIRST BASE, 2003-16): As a Canadian, this means one thing: I must take up arms for the crown. If (Glen) Perkins or (Dick) Bremer get in my way, so be it.
GLEN PERKINS (PITCHER, 2006-2017): You know, it’s a complicated legacy. I th—wait a minute, what is (Justin} Morneau doing with…is that a musket?
DICK BREMER (TWINS PLAY-BY-PLAY, 1983-PRESENT): That’s a musket. Take cover, Glen. Fortunately, I’ve been to a St. Cloud State Homecoming or two in my day. [LIGHTS MOLOTOV COCKTAIL, HEAVES FLAMING COUCH AT POLITE YET FERAL SASKATOON HORDE]
BRAD RADKE (PITCHER, 1995-2006): I don’t think she was much of a fisherman, right?
BYRON BUXTON (OUTFIELDER, 2015-PRESENT): England is a country where I’ve never had a devastating injury. Liz is good by me.
ROCCO BALDELLI (MANAGER, 2019-PRESENT): Was following Phish around the country in 2015, just chill vibes for days. They played Alpine Valley and on night 1, the minute they kicked into “Tweezer,” who gets up on stage but the Queen herself? Just started jamming with Trey, couldn’t believe my eyes. Everyone says I was “feeling the effects” so to speak and there’s no video evidence, but I know what I saw. Her Majesty could shred.
DAN GLADDEN (OUTFIELDER, 1987-1991; RADIO ANNOUNCER 2000-PRESENT): America fought a damn war for me not to care about this. I tell you what though, if the Queen came out to the farm and helped me move some earth, lay some sod, get her hands dirty, and maybe punch that egg-sucking bastard Steve Lombardozzi right in the solar plexus, I’d pay my respects.
Image license here.

The Minnesota Twins have done an admirable job getting as much use out of Byron Buxton in 2022 as possible, even leading the star centerfielder to an All-Star berth. Still, with injuries continuing to pile up, the team sought a second opinion after Buxton’s recent trip to the IL. The results aren’t pretty, but they aren't surprising.
“Byron Buxton has adult-onset Evel Knievelism,” said Dr. Nicole Baumhardt, a physician at Johns Hopkins.
This incredibly rare condition usually affects only those who jump motorcycles over things and plummet to the unforgiving asphalt, or people who’ve appeared on more than one season of MTV’s Jackass.
It's named after Robert Craig “Evel” Knievel, a popular stuntman from the 1960s and ‘70s. He’s perhaps best known for failing to land a sick jump over the Caesars Palace fountains in Las Vegas, breaking his pelvis, femur, hip, wrist, and both ankles. Baumhardt says she wishes this was all that was hurting Buxton.
“All of Byron’s bones are broken,” said Baumhardt. “In addition, he has extra bones that the human body isn’t supposed to have, bones we’ve never seen. Those are also broken.
“The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie. We put him in an iron lung and the iron lung fell down a very long flight of stairs with him in it, rebreaking his broken bones harder. We placed him in a full body cast and there is now a wasps’ nest under his right arm, leading to very painful welts. He has COVID-20. You don’t even want to know what that is.”
“We’ll continue managing (Byron’s) rest,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “He’s going to need a day off here and there, but we still hope he can contribute to our playoff drive. The league says his body cast is technically a uniform if we put a name and number on it, which helps.
“The tough part is that he just got into the trainer’s room and a piano fell on him. We don’t know how a piano ended up in there, but it just up and tipped over on him, rebreaking the rebroken bones that were already broken. He might be a go on Sunday, but we’ll have to wait and see how he responds to treatment or if any other large, heavy objects smash his unique slurry of bone and muscle yet again. Until then, our other guys have to step up.”
Image license here.

Jimmy Trueheart, Young Child with Fear and Distant Wonder in His Eyes: Papa told me that sometimes good things happen to bad people. When we beat the Yankees to death and left them screaming on the side of a gravel road on Wednesday night, I asked Papa, “Are we the bad people now?” Papa said, “No, son. Some folks deserve to scream on the side of a gravel road on a Wednesday night. The sinner reaps that which he sows. A great culling awaits. Mostly for (The Athletic’s Aaron) Gleeman.” I like chocolate.
Fred Marsters, Frequent Internet Commenter: Why are people happy? They’ve lost one million games to the Yankees. Enjoying one victory, much less anything ever, betrays an obvious lack of critical thinking or needed context. My wife left me.
Collin Roberts, Usher: Watching Yankees fans file out of the stadium, reeking of imported cologne and $14 domestic lagers, has convinced me to return to church this Sunday.
Rocco Baldelli, Manager: So everyone talks about the Phish Halloween shows as being for newbies to the whole Phish experience, but I always say the more the merrier. It’s a communal vibe. They’re for everyone. Listen to the 1994 show where they do the White Album. Glen Falls. It’s a whole ‘nother level, brother. ‘Glass Onion’ alone is price of admission stuff. What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah, Yankees. Good win, guys did great.
Dana Wessel, FM Radio Personality: Remember when the lawyer in Jurassic Park got ate? My dude was on the toilet! Chompjection, your honor!
Terry Nelson, Suburban Hockey Fan from Blaine or Woodbury: I heard thugs check your ID at the Target Field gate to make sure you’re woke enough to attend a game and if they don’t mug you on the spot, they let you in, but still burn your car and make your daughters listen to hip-hop. My penis doesn’t work, and it has never worked.
Winston, a Black Lab Dog: My owners were high-fiving the entire night and killed an entire box of wine. I saw a squirrel outside the bay window in the 6th inning who was clearly an immediate threat, and the owners chose to kennel me and continue watching the game. Humans are a mystery to me. Squirrels must die.
Glenn Hauer, Longtime Twins Fan: I enjoyed it 100% because if history is any guide, the Yankees will resume crushing our hopes and dreams on Thursday.

Multiple unvaccinated Twins players must sit out this weekend’s series in Toronto due to Canada’s COVID policies. While the medical community almost universally hails the efficacy of the vaccines, the worst doctor we could find thinks the Twins are getting a raw deal.
Dr. Gary Van Lowe, a retired family physician from Chanhassen, says the players (Max Kepler, Caleb Thielbar, Emilio Pagan, and Trevor Megill)  are probably in better shape than their vaccinated teammates.
“I was doing my own research just this morning,” said Van Lowe, “And realvaccinetruth.biz said the vaccines have little microchips in them that allows the government to turn you into a human microwave. I got right up off the toilet to see if any of that was in the newspaper. Not a word.”
The 61-year-old, whose frequent malpractice settlements earned him the nickname “Mal” from Fairview Southdale's attorneys, said the lack of further media coverage points to a larger conspiracy.
“I don’t think they’re doing this just to screw over the Twins in a critical road series,” said Van Lowe, nursing his “seventh or eighth” Mich Golden Light on the 17th tee box at Deer Run in Victoria. “Could it be to mess with the Vikings and Wild, too? Good luck finding that out in the Red Star (sic) from Michael Bland (sic).”
Van Lowe, who left medicine in 2015 after a series of lurid sexual harassment accusations from fellow doctors, nurses, and the entire front of house staff at the Eden Prairie Buca di Beppo, now runs a medical consultancy firm for insurance companies looking to deny benefits.
“The jury is still out on this vaccine,” he said, wobbling over a putt on 17. “All I know is that Betty White was perfectly healthy before she got the jab. Makes you think.”
Van Lowe ended the interview in order to ask the beer cart driver if she needed a ride home.

The financial impact of the lockout and CBA issues have primarily been the most contentious points. Players are looking to secure stronger futures for the next generation, while owners are looking to stretch their return on investment even further. We’ve been fed the notion that losses were substantial in 2020, and potentially even 2021, due to Covid, but I’m guessing the reality lies closer to a decrease in revenues.
 
With the assumption that these astute business people are not operating castle appreciating organizations in the red, they’re likely seeing this round of negotiating as a way to recoup some of those revenues. That would’ve been the case in 2020 when just a 60-game prorated portion of salaries was paid. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred imposed that season instead of the league agreeing with the union to the longest season possible. It’s no secret that owners rake in their largest payouts from the postseason, and so a blueprint of reduced regular-season games would always stand to benefit those at the top.
 
Specifically for 2022, I wondered what the Minnesota Twins would be pocketing due to this shutdown. As of now, owners are arguing that canceled games will result in lost pay for players or no back pay on their salaries. Baseball-Reference and Spotrac currently have the Pohlad’s doling out an estimated $85 million for 2022. 
 
A traditional MLB calendar is defined as 186 days long, with 172 required for a full year of service. That regular-season calendar was set to begin on March 31, 2022. At this point, Rob Manfred has canceled the first two series of the season, and it seems a good bet more are coming. At $85 million, the Pohlad’s save roughly $456k per day wiped off the calendar. Seven days into the canceled action, they’ve already been able to pocket $3.198 million. We’re getting to a point where the month of April looks to be in jeopardy as a whole. In that scenario, 31 calendar days will have been torn up, a savings of $14.16 million.
What we’re getting at here is undoubtedly a logical assessment of what we’ve been told. The group of owners dug in on monetary issues may definitely be looking at the first month as an opportunity to cut losses. Most organizations have not filled out their rosters and have more to spend in doing so, but that significant reduction in costs would undoubtedly help them lick the wounds suggested in previous seasons. Assuming reports of rebates being unnecessary to Regional Sports Networks (RSN) if less than 25 games are canceled, it’s a perfect storm.
 
The sentiment that ownership is primarily out to maximize profits has been there for quite some time. As bad of a figurehead as Rob Manfred is, he’s representative of the wishes his owners are pursuing. Right now, it certainly looks plausible that the group is going for the least amount of action they need to pay for, with the most significant amount they earn on. As fans, we all lose, and some have even funded this venture by offering interest on dollars paid for season tickets or Spring Training games that were never going to occur. It’s certainly possible none of this is desired, and it’s all just a byproduct of a nasty work stoppage instituted by the league. Maybe the union will negotiate back pay for the players. Right now, though, I’d be against any owner going on record with their intentions, and we’re left to connect the dots.
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Certainly, Josh Donaldson cannot be the one to blame for the putrid 2021 season; that existed outside of his sphere of influence. Unless he secretly siphoned off all the talent from the pitching staff while bullying Max Kepler by placing pictures of his BABIP in his locker before every game, the disastrous year should not be attributed to him. In fact, I would argue that he did exactly what the team asked of him. His somewhat disappointing 124 wRC+ masks batted ball data that suggests he should have hit at an MVP level in 2021. If those balls allude outfielders like they were supposed to, then we’re talking about Donaldson as a tragic hero, an excellent performer stuck on a bad team. 
Click the link and you'll see enough red to give Senator Joseph McCarthy a heart attack. His xwOBA is right in line with his peak years on the Toronto Blue Jays—some better luck would have altered the season and turned the Twins from bad to... still pretty bad, but with a better third baseman. Ultimately, his batted-ball numbers change little about the team as a whole, but it does improve Donaldson's footing; perhaps the vitriol of fans washes over him if his wRC+ is upped by 30-40 points.
But those balls didn’t safely land in the grass. They were caught. And the team stunk. And stats disagree on his defense. And the team stunk.
So, now we’re halfway through a contract that was supposed to represent a changing tide for the Twins organization, and all there is to show for it is a playoff series sweep at the hands of the Houston Astros, a series that Donaldson did not participate in. The conversation has moved on from discussing Donaldson as the veteran that will lead the Twins to higher greatness. Now we ask whether or not his contract should be dumped onto some rich team like the Mets so that we can warm the seat for Jose Miranda, Austin Martin, or another prospect who represents the soft rebuild the team is inevitably embracing. Funny how much two years can change things. 
But none of this is his fault.
It’s somewhat odd, really, that the team failed solidly in 2021, yet the big-name free agent signing was not the reason for such disaster. Donaldson did as we expected, or, to play off the words of the great Dennis Green; he was who we thought he was. He hit well, made headlines for comments made outside of the diamond, made headlines for comments made inside of the diamond, was told to meet Lucas Giolito outside, met Lucas Giolito outside, and, ultimately, flashed a level of showmanship possibly unmatched in franchise history. If you’re the type who is unimpressed by xwOBA, BABIP, or any other vaguely medicinal-sounding advanced stat, you at least can’t argue that Donaldson has brought entertainment to the team. 
I don’t know if Josh Donaldson will be on the Twins for the 2022 season. The front office has played their cards close to their hand as usual; after the lockout ends, I could wake up to the headline that the team signed Trevor Story and be just as surprised had I woke up to see that they dealt Jorge Polanco. The Twins under Derek Falvey and Thad Levine relish refusing to act until they absolutely must—a bowl is most useful when it is empty, after all. 
If Donaldson remains, he will be left as the eldest leader of a currently youthful squad—just three players currently on the 40-man roster were born during the Reagan administration. The team would have to rebound dramatically to make good on the promises made following the 2019 season. If the Twins decide to trade him, then I can say for sure that it was the team that failed Donaldson, not the other way around. I hope the biggest free-agent signing in franchise history gets the chance to lead a legendary Twins squad properly, but the real world is not as poetic as hopes and dreams; wrongs cannot be righted by the whims of an author and the randomness of life can often spoil even the prettiest of visions.
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