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While the oft-injured superstar awaits his spring training debut, one fan prepares for the worst. Image courtesy of Jordan Johnson-USA TODAY Sports The Twins are a little over halfway through spring training. One notable absence from pretend game action: Byron Buxton. The oft-injured superstar hasn’t played an inning of pretend baseball yet. The team says it’s standard operating procedure for players returning from injury. Doug Spivey is taking them at their word. Until Thursday, March 16th. “If he isn’t in the lineup by then I am flipping my [EXPLETIVE],” said the Eveleth pipefitter. “What if he’s out half the season? What if it’s career-ending? I’m going to freak the [EXPLETIVE] out and that is a promise.” The Twins open the season at Kansas City on March 30th. “By then it’ll be two weeks on the nose until the regular season,” said the 52-year-old. “Right now, I’m calm and cool. Let him work out behind the scenes, trust the process, embrace serenity. But at midnight next Thursday I’m going to run shirtless around town, weeping and wailing.” At least one Twins expert agrees. “I’m not conspiratorial about this at all,” said Twins Daily founder John Bonnes. “I don’t think there’s anything they’re trying to hide from us. The games aren’t as important as the rehab. He knows how to field and hit. But! If he’s not playing in a week, I will be rending garments and screaming for justice. I will drink IPAs that aren’t fruit-forward with notes of passion fruit and mango. I will lose my mind.” Spivey says he’s noticed an uptick in internet chatter about Buxton’s absence. “Once Correa started playing, I think everyone assumed Buxton would follow suit,” said Spivey. “And then he didn’t, and the comments sections started getting real suspicious about what was quote really happening unquote. I still think we’re fine and I have a big grin on my face for the upcoming season. “However, I’m prepared to apologize to Reddit user frankviolamustacheride42069 if it turns out Buxton is still banged up. I was wrong to doubt you, frankviolamustacheride42069.” The Twins face the Orioles today at 5:00pm. Buxton is not expected to play. “I’m still not worried,” said Spivey. “Every moment spent waiting is agony, but I'm not worried.” View full article

“Juilliard [sic] is a generational talent, and the Twins are throwing it all away,” said the constantly indignant man. Image courtesy of Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports The early talk of Minnesota Twins spring training is not the return of Kenta Maeda or the leg of Carlos Correa, but rather the blistering start from Edouard Julien. The infield prospect put a bow on the chatter by belting two home runs against Atlanta in Tuesday’s 10-7 pretend game victory. Jason Kornhaber is already mad about it. “Edmond [sic] is a monster talent,” said Kornhaber, who found out about Julien’s existence on Friday, February 24th, when two-time Jeopardy! also-ran Do-Hyoung Park interviewed him for MLB.com. “It’s unconscionable that this team would hold him back. Are they playing to win or playing with Edwin [sic] ’s service time?” Julien, an 18th-round pick out of Auburn in 2019, led the minor leagues with 208 walks over the last two seasons. This is just one of the recently acquired facts that Kornhaber has marshaled in Julien’s defense despite not knowing his entire name yet. “Juilliard [sic] is a generational talent, and the Twins are throwing it away,” said the Farmington beekeeper. Per sources close to Kornhaber, he has also said this about Kohl Stewart, Alex Burnett, Michael Restovich, Deolis Guerra, Anthony Slama, and Matt Moses. In addition, a former roommate said Kornhaber vowed to get a tattoo of MTV’s Dan Cortese on his thigh if J.D. Durbin didn’t record a 20-win season. Durbin finished his MLB career with six total wins. Kornhaber denied the story. “He’s going to lead Team Canada to a World Baseball Classic title and come back to Fort Myers with a ticket to (home of Twins Triple-A affiliate) St. Paul,” claimed Kornhaber, who discovered Julien’s nationality on Monday. The Twins have made no indication on their plans for Julien in 2023, but Kornhaber’s anger is already at a fever pitch not seen since his misguided advocacy for Joe Webb as the Minnesota Vikings quarterback of the future. “I can’t believe they’re doing this to Erwin [sic],” said Kornhaber. View full article

Wacky Sitcom Mix-Up Lands Leitch, 76, in Fort Myers. Image courtesy of Public Domain The Minnesota Twins thought they were signing veteran infielder Donovan Solano to a one-year deal. Instead, they signed a rock-and-roll legend. “We’re pleased to announce the unexpected signing of Donovan,” said Twins PR flack Dustin Morse. “We look forward to seeing how he can contribute to the team this spring. We’ll be making no further comment.” Team sources who requested anonymity to speak freely, said a paperwork mishap at the league office sent Solano, 35, to the Rio Grande Rockin’ Ribs-o-Rama in El Paso, Texas. Despite having no identifiable musical talent, he’s opening for Smash Mouth on the Dairy Queen Grill ‘n Chill Stage. “He played the recorder in grade school,” said Rich Marsden, Solano’s agent. “He will tear through ‘Hot Cross Buns’ and leave the crowd wanting more.” Meanwhile, the oldest Twin since Jesse Orosco is headed to his first spring training. “I’m terribly confused,” said Leitch. The 76-year-old Scottish folk singer, known for songs like “Mellow Yellow” and “Season of the Witch,” is expected to report to Twins camp on Friday. Some team officials are embracing the opportunity. “Phish played ‘Hurdy Gurdy Man’ at The Great Went, brother,” said Minnesota Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “Everyone was just there, being, as one. Can’t wait to see what he brings to the clubhouse. “Trey was fire that night,” added Baldelli. Still, with his 77th birthday on the horizon, most are skeptical that Leitch can contribute to the 2023 squad. “He’s incredibly old,” said a source close to the front office. “He’s 40 years older than everyone else. He can’t hit for power or average. He has no natural position. He’s never played baseball. And those lyrics are straight nonsense. No one is mad about saffron. No one. Trash spice.” View full article

“I don’t really need it, but at $37.50 I figured why the heck not,” said Carlsson. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Leon Seibert Torvald Carlsson spends his days curating a formidable collection of Minnesota sports memorabilia. The retired Scandia educator counts a row of seats from the old Met Stadium, a signed Bernie Bierman football, and an original George Mikan Minneapolis Lakers jersey as his most prized possessions. His newest acquisition might be his most unique one yet. “I was browsing eBay the other day and saw that they put the entire Bally Sports North network up for auction,” said Carlsson. “I don’t really need it, but at $37.50 I figured why the heck not. And now I guess I own the gosh darned thing.” Diamond Sports Group, which owns Bally Sports North and 18 other regional sports networks, recently skipped a $140 million interest payment, signaling that bankruptcy could soon be imminent. A spokesperson confirmed that Carlsson was on the path to being BSN's new owner, but refused to say if the online auction was part of the company’s plan to recoup needed funds. Meanwhile, the new owner of the network that brings Twins, Wild, and Timberwolves games to Minnesota cable subscribers says he has no big plans to change anything for now. “It’s a whole deal,” said the 71-year-old. “Keeping track of the day-to-day is a real humdinger, I don’t suppose I’ll be a part of that. They just sent me a whole bunch of papers in the mail and (former Twin and current BSN analyst) Tim Laudner is sleeping in my driveway. Ma (Carlsson’s wife Gail) brings him some supper and that seems to settle him down some.” While a lot of logistical questions remain unanswered (“I guess Glen Perkins needs a food taster on all road trips due to his long list of enemies and rivals,” said Carlsson), Bally employees are hopeful this leads to better days at the company. “I’m optimistic,” said Dick Bremer, longtime play-by-play voice of Twins. “Ever since Bert (Blyleven, Bremer’s former broadcast partner) retired, I’ve lost weight, I sleep through the night without crying, and no one has taped a ‘FART MASTER’ sign to my back. Not once. They can pay me with pizza crusts and expired Marlboro Miles. I truly don’t care. I am the happiest man in the world.” Image license here. View full article

“The advancements they’ve made in nacho delivery technology have had some undesirable side effects,” said Fraley. "I can't smoke my way out of it, but I plan to try." Image courtesy of Unsplash/Artem Beliaikan Every spring training, baseball writers document which player in camp has cut weight, hit the gym, and is generally in “the best shape of his life.” “It’s one of those clichés that happens to be true,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “There’s always a player who really got after it in the winter and it’s hard to miss.” “I was on Jeopardy,” confirmed MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park. For the Fargo Forum’s Steve Fraley, it’s another matter entirely. “I have let myself go,” said Fraley. “Things are not good.” Fraley, battling his second hangover of the weekday, confirmed to Twins Daily that he is in the worst shape of his life heading to Fort Myers. “The thing they don’t tell you about cigarettes is how good they make you feel,” said Fraley. “You get up in the morning, reheat a cup of coffee, then light up that dart. Man. Then you figure out where you left your phone, dry swallow four Advils, and get on with the day.” Fraley is in his fourth season of covering the Twins for the newspaper and says this is as slovenly as he’s ever been before Opening Day. “I live right next to an Applebee’s,” said Fraley. “You just wander across the parking lot, settle in, order some nachos, and brother, you are feeling good in the neighborhood. Sometimes the Law & Order rerun is one I haven’t even seen yet. “That said, the advancements they’ve made in nacho delivery technology have had some undesirable side effects. Going up a size on the board shorts and Hawaiian shirts this year, can’t smoke my way out of this one even though I plan to try.” Fraley’s fellow scribes agree that it’s a struggle to get into the writer’s version of midseason form. “I honestly don’t know what airport I’m landing in or how I’m getting to the park,” said The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. “I’m in the air right now.” “Twice. I was on Jeopardy twice,” added Park. Image license here. View full article

Teammates prepare for difficult conversations about emojis and nymphs. Image courtesy of © David Banks-USA TODAY Sports When the offseason began, there were two certainties: The Twins would move heaven and earth to get Carlos Correa back, and Max Kepler was going to be traded. Through a wild series of events, Correa is back in Minnesota for a while. However, that second certainty? At this writing, it’s uncertain at best. “Spring Training is two weeks away and Max (Kepler, Twins outfielder) is still here,” said Twins outfielder Trevor Larnach. “We sort of removed him from all of our group chats. It’s weird.” The signing of fellow lefthanded corner outfielder Joey Gallo seemed to signal that Kepler’s time as a Twin was nearing an end. The trade for Michael A. Taylor seemed to put an exclamation point to it. And yet. “I sort of moved my stuff into his locker at Target Field,” said Larnach. “It’s going to be awkward already when we start texting him out of the blue about Fort Myers restaurants and agreeing he’s right about how great German chocolate is. We get it, bro, you’re from Germany. The locker is harder to explain.” Fellow outfielder Byron Buxton agrees that it’s going to take a little finesse. “We all kind of thought he was gone,” said Buxton. “And he doesn’t quite have a handle on how we use emojis here, so if we welcome him back with the wrong one, it could get sideways. The ‘cry laughing’ one means something so disturbing where he’s from that he didn’t talk to (Ryan) Jeffers for two months.” Larnach was asked if Kepler might be open to bargaining. “I just read some Grimm’s Fairy Tales to acquaint myself with his culture,” said Larnach. “These stories are messed up. The Godfather Death ruins harvests and the Three Nymphs of the Black Forest steal your soul and your maiden fair. I don’t know what a maiden fair even is. Maybe I should just buy him a car?” View full article

“This is like Christmas and the 4th of July all in one,” said the unloved man. Image courtesy of © David Berding-USA TODAY Sports It may seem like just yesterday that Joe Mauer donned his catching equipment one last time before saying farewell to a roaring Target Field crowd. But it’s now been five years since his 2018 retirement, meaning the lifelong Twin is eligible for Baseball’s Hall of Fame. And for the most miserable bastards in Minnesota, it couldn’t come soon enough. “As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve missed him since he retired,” said Tom Hanson, 58. The Anoka resident and classic North Metro redass has been banned from every social media website ever created. “He’s the worst baseball player I’ve ever seen and he should be in jail for stealing money from hard-working Minnesotans. But all the same, I’ve missed sending angry emails about him to our bought-and-paid-for local media shills.” Hanson, who is no longer welcome in the IHOP family of breakfast restaurants, foresees a multi-year campaign against the former American League MVP. “The first year, I expect the baseball writers to step up and keep him out because they do that to good players, too,” said Hanson. “Patriots will do the heavy lifting after that. A sustained barrage of complaints to talk radio, comments left in newspaper comment sections, skywriting. My stepson who no longer talks to me does raps on the internet, it would be nice to bring him into the fold if (ex-fourth wife) Bonnie would quit being such a [INCREDIBLY VILE EXPLETIVE].” Hanson isn’t alone. “All I know is players used to play hurt or they didn’t play,” said Bruce Schafer, 62, of Dayton. “Mauer didn’t even play when he was healthy and now the woke mob wants me to act like he’s a Hall of Famer? Hell no.” Schafer, who frequently shares inaccurate stories about vaccine efficacy and Barack Obama’s long-form birth certificate on Facebook, said the opportunity to set the record straight about the three-time batting champ is one he welcomes. “This is like Christmas and the 4th of July all in one,” said the unloved man. “There are kids out there who’ve never heard the term ‘bilateral leg weakness’ used to mock someone with a brain injury. Just another example of cancel culture going too far.” View full article

HCMC, the Minnesota Department of Health, and The Vatican have already condemned one promotion. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Klemens Kopfle On Thursday, Twins Daily’s Melissa Berman explored some of the most exciting promos and ticket deals at Target Field this season. Today, we look at some of the less popular ones. TOMMY HERR BOBBLEHEAD NIGHT: The wildly unpopular return in the trade for beloved World Series champion Tom Brunansky gets his own tribute on May 14th! The first 5,000 fans will receive a bobblehead that sulks, pouts, and has a remarkably lifelike “I don’t even want to be here” setting. “It’s as off-putting as the real thing,” said a clubhouse source. “Like a rag doll you find in an abandoned hospital.” ALL YOU CAN EAT DOME DOG NIGHT: “While clearing out one of the team’s storage units in Maplewood, we discovered freezers full of Dome Dogs from 2009,” said Twins President Dave St. Peter. “Food waste is a real problem in this country, and we’re doing our part to address it.” On August 4th, adventurous foodies can purchase a standing-room seat plus a lanyard giving them unfettered access to 14-year-old meats for $25. HCMC, the Minnesota Department of Health, and The Vatican have already issued statements condemning the promotion. SIT NEXT TO AN UNPLEASANT MAN FOR $7: “We always have a stray spot available in our premium sections behind home plate and in the suites,” said a front office source. “Without exception, they’re near a very loud man with too much money and too many opinions. But the seats are awesome.” Available in packages of 5, 10, or 20 games, these tickets are priced to move and will be especially appealing to those who have a high tolerance for hearing about who the real racists are. THE BULLPEN BUDDY: With the team’s relief pitching still in need of upgrades, not a lot of free agent options, and a significant outlay of cash for Carlos Correa, the Twins are getting creative. This $1000 ticket allows you to sit in the home bullpen for any of the 81 games. The only catch: you’re pitching the 6th inning. “We’re getting money in the coffers and letting some folks live their dream of pitching against Mike Trout and Aaron Judge,” said a source with knowledge of the front office’s thinking. “There is some downside risk in that it violates league rules and a line drive will likely kill the ticketholder instantly, but we need to look at the big picture and let our legal team hash it out.” PECOTA projects an average Twins ticket buyer to have an ERA of infinity, making them roughly equivalent to Emilio Pagan “at a team-friendly price,” said the source. Image license here. View full article