If I Owned the Twins...

the concessions would run on wind power generated from Twins bats whiffing, and the lights would be powered with solar panels on the empty seats. I would also buy carbon offsets to power Brian Dozier’s hairdryer.

If I owned the Twins I would fine anyone who bunts. I would fire any manager who ordered a bunt. If the Twins get to a World Series, I would not use bunting to decorate Target Field. I just might trade away Bryon Buxton because his last name is an anagram for “Bunt XO” – which sounds to me like someone who loves to bunt.

If I owned the Twins I would clone Joe Mauer. Everyone always says he'd improve his team by cloning their best player. Well, I’ve been watching that Canadian show Orphan Black on Netflix so I think I know how I can get it done. I’d hire someone who knows something about genetic sequencing but I’d get to pick the types of Joe’s we’d clone. It’d be just like the show except on a baseball field: a street-smart Brit Joe in left field, a smart scientist Joe at catcher, and a psychotic Ukranian Joe as closer. I wouldn’t need to make a suburban soccer mom Joe Mauer, because we kind of already have that with the real Joe Mauer.

If I owned the Twins, to attract a more diverse fan base, I would redesign one of those two big white guys in the center field neon sign. I’d make over one of them (probably Minnie) from the big lug that he is to some sort of big ambiguous multi-ethnic amalgam of a lug.

If I owned the Twins I would hire Johan Hill as manager. In Moneyball he showed he had a brilliant baseball mind. In The Wolf of Wall Street he showed be could be a loyal member of a management team, and in SuperBad he showed he could draw real funny um... drawings. Those lineup cards would be something.

If I owned the Twins I would sign Paul Westerberg, Tommy Stinson and whoever else they have playing with them these days just to test out a theory – that every major league baseball player, from Mike Trout to Chris Herrmann, would have a Wins Above Replacements of 162. (Though if I could play Bob Stinson in his prime, Chris Herrmann’s WARs would drop to around 155, I figure – though it’s hard to judge players of different eras.)

If I owned the Twins I would cut salary to league minimum and put the savings into a Swiss bank account. My money would be two vaults over from the money Carl Pohlad stashed there from 1994 to 2001.

If I owned the Twins I would use advanced statistics like xFIP and swing percentage to rate all the free agent pitchers in the major leagues. Then I would realize I couldn’t afford any of the pitchers at the top of my ranking because all the other teams use those advanced stats too. Then I’d sign Kevin Corriea. I’d be able to sleep at night, because I tried.