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  • sat·ire | (/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/) | noun
    the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

    In Bipartisan Agreement, MN Legislature Agrees to Erect and Immediately Topple Bud Selig Statue

    RandBalls Stu

    By RandBalls Stu

    “We want to make it durable enough for repeated topplings,” said one representative.

    Image courtesy of Public Domain

    Twins Video

    Amid nationwide tumult over the problematic legacy of historical figures and the statues that recognize them, Minnesota DFLers and Republicans found rare common ground on Thursday.

    “When baseball resumes again, Twins fans will find a new statue of former Commissioner Bud Selig that they are encouraged to ransack and pillage,” said Dan Wolgamott (DFL-St. Cloud).

    “I listened to my constituents on this one,” said Jim Nash (R-Waconia). “They’re pretty skeptical of any government spending, but they heard this and were ready to pay for it themselves ten times over. It was inspiring.”

    Selig was the Commissioner of Major League Baseball from 1998-2015 and was a key figure in the attempt to contract the Minnesota Twins in 2001. Experts agree that if one were to draw a mental picture of a used car salesman underwater with creditors forced to watch his only daughter french kiss a Hell’s Angel, it would look like Bud Selig.

    “We want to make it durable enough for repeated topplings,” said Brad Tabke (DFL-Shakopee). “Minnesota’s welders and artisans have stepped up to consult on crafting a truly wretched ogre of a statue, one that incites disgust and a palpable rage in all who see it. I expect it to be as iconic as the Bemidji Paul Bunyan, only covered in rotten fruit and excrement.”

    The statue, which is expected to show the former commissioner in a pose reminiscent of when the All-Star Game finished in a tie, will also showcase his background as owner of the Milwaukee Brewers.

    “To give it that true Brewers game experience for Twins fans, it will feature speeding tickets from the Tomah, Menomonie, and Wauwatosa police departments,” said Nash. “We’re hoping to also land an authentic event day port-a-potty from Lambeau Field or Summerfest to sit next to the bronze nightmare. The horrors contained within would really pull the entire thing together.”

    Steve "Stu" Neuman. Local copywriter, husband, father of two, inventor of the atomic bomb.
    Follow RandBalls Stu on Twitter: RandBallsStu

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    sampleSizeOfOne

    sampleSizeOfOne 13,517

  • Old-Timey Member

    • Posted

    I think you've got something here, but there's work to be done...

     

    How tall do you have to be to topple the statue?

     

    Is there a well marked splash zone?

     

    Being able to rent it out to different locations could be a marketable opportunity.

     

    Though it might be a good idea to install Lojack.

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    drivlikejehu

    drivlikejehu 2,201

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

    Thanks for a good smile this morning.

     

    I am one of those however, who believe it is possible that the entire contraction scenario was one of the better all time bluffs.  

     

    I suspected the same, but some years later I talked to MLB's general counsel from that time, and he convinced me it was not a bluff.

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    rdehring

    rdehring 3,816

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

    I suspected the same, but some years later I talked to MLB's general counsel from that time, and he convinced me it was not a bluff.

    But wouldn't the best of all bluffs be confirmed by those allegedly involved?  Or the best of all bluffs might not be known to anyone other than the two key principals.  Not saying it was, but have always had a feeling.

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    Nine of twelve

    Nine of twelve 7,163

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

    But wouldn't the best of all bluffs be confirmed by those allegedly involved?  Or the best of all bluffs might not be known to anyone other than the two key principals.  Not saying it was, but have always had a feeling.

    The best bluffs are never confirmed because the best bluffers never EVER confirm whether a bluff was a bluff.

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    Nine of twelve

    Nine of twelve 7,163

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

    Can I have State Troopers stand there and do nothing while the statue is toppled?

    You pick your battles. If intervening in a situation would be worse than observing the situation the wise choice is to observe, try to make sure everyone is physically safe, and let people blow off steam. A statue is just a hunk of metal. So what if it falls.

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    Dave The Dastardly

    Dave The Dastardly 3,384

  • Verified Member

    • Posted

     

     

    You pick your battles. If intervening in a situation would be worse than observing the situation the wise choice is to observe, try to make sure everyone is physically safe, and let people blow off steam. A statue is just a hunk of metal. So what if it falls.

    Make the statue out of silly putty so it can bounce right back up. Give everybody a chance to blow off steam.

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