Holiday Gift Ideas for Baseball Fans

Houston Astros Home Security

You and your family deserve to feel safe in your own home. Let baseball’s Houston Astros get to work. State-of-the-art surveillance technology and bleeding-edge customer service are the hallmarks of HAHS. The best part: There are no costly set-up fees because they’ve already installed it in your home. No need to thank them. They’ve been watching you shame-eat Pringles while watching Property Brothers for a while now and have some thoughts on your diet and viewing habits.

Minnesota Twins Power Bar

Need a little extra energy to get you through that next workout? The protein-rich, nutrient-packed Minnesota Twins Power Bar is the preferred exercise supplement of the home run record-setting AL Central champs!

Minnesota Twins Sleepytime Snack Bar

It’s the exact same bar, but if you eat it in the city of New York the effects are reversed. You’ll wake up stressed and resigned to your fate. Science and math can’t explain it!

Orel Hershiser’s Oral Herd Sizers

Ranchers can’t get enough of this cattle-counting tool from the Los Angeles Dodgers great. Just hold the device aloft anywhere on your property, and the calm, confident voice of the record-setting pitcher will give you an accurate (within 20 head) estimate.

Shirtless Brian Dozier Action Figure

The former Twins star and current member of the defending World Series champion Washington Nationals is immortalized forever in this pocket-sized, poseable action figure. Features actual Brian Dozier Good Hair and a slick, rock-hard torso that can’t be contained by shirts, tank tops, or jackets. Pair it with your Nick Punto Tearaway Jersey Action Figure for a gritty, sensual tag team!

Tom Kelly Comes Over and Talks to Your Rude Teen Son Like He’s Todd Walker

Parents, you’ve had it up to here with the backsass and aimlessness of your rude teen son. You’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to work. Well, for a nominal fee, former Twins manager Tom Kelly will come to your house and talk to your rude teen son like he did to Todd Walker. Kelly will be unimpressed, sarcastic, and dismissive of whatever your rude teen son does. The tables are turned, Jeremy. And if you want to leave via free agency, Tom will happily drop you off at the closest USMC recruiting station.