Diehard Twins Fan Admits to Self, Cat That He Didn’t Know Who Sean Poppen Was Either

The resurgent 2019 Twins have been a boon for Bruce Stoffer. The 3M account executive, known around the office for his omnipresent Twins cap and bobblehead collection, has had a field day talking to his newly interested co-workers about the team. Nowhere was this more apparent than on Thursday morning, when the subject of new reliever Sean Poppen came up.

“Oh yeah, I’ve been following Poppen’s rise through the system for quite awhile now,” Stoffer lied to his assistant. “I think everyone was panicked that he’d falter and the bullpen would really get worked, but I had faith in his stuff.

Stoffer continued this string of falsehoods over lunch.

“I’ve always liked Poppen’s velo and figured it could translate in the bigs if he could throw strikes,” fibbed the 39-year-old bachelor to the table of co-workers at Jimmy John’s. “Definitely one of those arms that stands out when you’re breaking down the prospects.”

The unrelenting wave of BS was capped off at the end of the day at a birthday celebration for Carly, his direct supervisor.

“When the game finally ended on Tuesday night, I sent a text to my buddy Josh saying I bet they call up Poppen in the morning,” said Stoffer, in a whopper that defied belief and gravity, to his assembled co-workers over a sheet cake from Cub Foods. “When you follow the game, these are the nuances that register for you.”

Later, alone and toggling between the Twins game and the NBA Draft on his television, he muted the volume and looked around his sparsely appointed living room.

“I have no idea who that guy is,” he admitted to his cat, Otto. “I looked all that up on Baseball Prospectus when the game was on like everyone else did. I don’t know why I did this.”

Stoffer promised the cat that he would not do the same thing regarding Timberwolves draft pick Jarrett Culver on Friday, who he had never heard of until he was drafted. He later admitted that the odds of this were 50/50 at best.