The former Twins and Astros superstar continues signing megadeals that collapse with a quickness after a physical. Twins Daily uses advanced metrics to determine who else will immediately regret signing Correa.

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Skylar Gerald

Once is a fluke. Twice is a trend. That’s all we really know about the state of Carlos Correa’s future employment and the ankle he injured a decade ago. Nine-figure deals with the Giants and Mets have either evaporated completely or exist in some kind of limbo. The Twins reportedly had limited interest in a reunion after the San Francisco signing fell through, despite their stated desire to sign him long term.

Something’s up. Fortunately, Twins Daily has access to the kind of advanced metrics other baseball websites can only dream of. Using these bleeding-edge tools, we’ve been able to project the next organizations that will sign Correa to a massive long-term contract, only for it to instantly go sideways.

• The Pittsburgh Pirates. Reason: Thought it was Kevin Correia. Honest mistake.
• The Chicago White Sox. Reason: Team wants to save money for giving Tony La Russa one last shot at managing the game on the field versus the one happening in his mind palace. “He’s a Hall of Famer,” said team source.
• The Oakland Athletics. Reason: Signing ceremony postponed due to monthly raw sewage leak.
• The Miami Marlins. Reason: Correa would have to find location for hideous outfield home run sculpture and pay movers. "A dealbreaker," said Boras.
• The 1986 New York Mets. Reason: Boras, Correa refuse to be paid in cocaine.
• The Miami Heat. Reason: Only shoots mid-range jumpers.
• The Green Bay Packers. Reasons: Scott Boras balks at payment in worthless company stock; Correa thinks Kroll’s butter burgers are overcooked, has also never played football.
• Waffle House, Walterboro, SC location. Reason: Being on feet all day while catching chairs in midair enhances injury risk.
• The Fellowship of the Ring. Reason: Journey on foot to Mordor exacerbates stress on leg in question; Boras demands standard percentage of The One Ring, Isildur’s Bane, which was forged in the fires of Mount Doom and only there can be destroyed.

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Correa signs with every team in the league and as terms go down in years and money he finds that he has to pay them to play so he and Boras come up with a different strategy - Correa signs to play Strato-matic and stays home while they sue the medical team that did the operation on his ankle. 

I heard that the St. Paul Saints backed out after they realized that there are far too many satirical promotional giveaway ideas tied to this ordeal that it would blow their giveaway budget.

Once again the Twins miss out on the Correa sweepstakes...

In today's market Kevin Correia would probably get $100 million over four years .

Dakota Jazz Club, downtown Minneapolis.   Extended residency canceled after booking agent realizes Carlos has no relation to Chick Corea.  Also no talent or experience.  

2 hours ago, LewFordLives said:

In today's market Kevin Correia would probably get $100 million over four years .

Even while being 42 years old. 

Sometimes the low-hanging fruit is the sweetest, and RandBalls Stu also gets mad props for the timely Waffle House Brawl reference.

Missed seeing Kim Jong-un worked in as another reference, though.

 

5 minutes ago, ashbury said:

Sometimes the low-hanging fruit is the sweetest, and RandBalls Stu also gets mad props for the timely Waffle House Brawl reference.

Missed seeing Kim Jong-un worked in as another reference, though.

 

Who says current events can't be fun!

If Correa does eventually sign with The Fellowship, I imagine manager Gandalf will let Correa wear the ring every time he reaches base. His stolen base numbers should go through the roof!

I would like to see pics of Correa in uniform for each of these teams/ Waffle House/ Fellowship of the Ring…..