Buxton Diagnosed with Evel Knievelism

[RandBalls Stu]

“The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie.”

The Minnesota Twins have done an admirable job getting as much use out of Byron Buxton in 2022 as possible, even leading the star centerfielder to an All-Star berth. Still, with injuries continuing to pile up, the team sought a second opinion after Buxton’s recent trip to the IL. The results aren’t pretty, but they aren't surprising.

“Byron Buxton has adult-onset Evel Knievelism,” said Dr. Nicole Baumhardt, a physician at Johns Hopkins.

This incredibly rare condition usually affects only those who jump motorcycles over things and plummet to the unforgiving asphalt, or people who’ve appeared on more than one season of MTV’s Jackass.

It's named after Robert Craig “Evel” Knievel, a popular stuntman from the 1960s and ‘70s. He’s perhaps best known for failing to land a sick jump over the Caesars Palace fountains in Las Vegas, breaking his pelvis, femur, hip, wrist, and both ankles. Baumhardt says she wishes this was all that was hurting Buxton.

“All of Byron’s bones are broken,” said Baumhardt. “In addition, he has extra bones that the human body isn’t supposed to have, bones we’ve never seen. Those are also broken.

“The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie. We put him in an iron lung and the iron lung fell down a very long flight of stairs with him in it, rebreaking his broken bones harder. We placed him in a full body cast and there is now a wasps’ nest under his right arm, leading to very painful welts. He has COVID-20. You don’t even want to know what that is.”

“We’ll continue managing (Byron’s) rest,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “He’s going to need a day off here and there, but we still hope he can contribute to our playoff drive. The league says his body cast is technically a uniform if we put a name and number on it, which helps.

“The tough part is that he just got into the trainer’s room and a piano fell on him. We don’t know how a piano ended up in there, but it just up and tipped over on him, rebreaking the rebroken bones that were already broken. He might be a go on Sunday, but we’ll have to wait and see how he responds to treatment or if any other large, heavy objects smash his unique slurry of bone and muscle yet again. Until then, our other guys have to step up.”

Image license here.

View full article

[mikelink45]

 

Bad luck? Makes me think of this character from Little Abner - Joe Btfsplk.  At least we can pronounce Byron's name. 

[BobAzar]

WOAH! This is Lance Murdock erasure, and I personally wont stand for it!

 

[Richie the Rally Goat]

 

Lightning Rod Reg is getting surpassed

[Kipp35]

What a joke. Seems like money well spent. ?

[The_Phantom]

Yeah maybe leave comedy to the pros

[Stew]

Yeah, and I heard a NASA scientist is tracking a  astroid . He thinks it will hit Buxton.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

5 hours ago, RandBalls Stu said:

The results aren’t pretty, but they aren't surprising.

But as a conjunction usually indicates a contrast., as in "The but in the sentence above promises a refreshing contrast, but disappoints."

 

(i like big buts)

[sampleSizeOfOne]

3 hours ago, mikelink45 said:

 

Bad luck? Makes me think of this character from Little Abner - Joe Btfsplk.  At least we can pronounce Byron's name. 

Lil' Abner reference evokes memory of a storyline therein' where the title character enters into a wager that a street with no cars on it can be crossed safely.

 

I should remember more details, but i don't want to spoil it for ya, leastwise if it would take anyone's mind off of Buxton's woes.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

1 hour ago, The_Phantom said:

Yeah maybe leave comedy to the pros

Every now and again, cons are funny too.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

5 hours ago, RandBalls Stu said:

In addition, he has extra bones that the human body isn’t supposed to have, bones we’ve never seen. Those are also broken.

I hypothesize these are fragments that have declared Autonomy, and claim their sovereign rights as new bones.

[Teflon]

Elijah Price now looks like the better draft pick.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

4 hours ago, Teflon said:

Elijah Price now looks like the better draft pick.

I don't know...

What's he batting?

[jkcarew]

It ain’t bad luck when you seriously hurt your hip swinging at a pitch. That’s simply having a body that isn’t constructed to be able to withstand the normal rigors of the sport. For every piano that’s fallen on Buxton there’s been at LEAST one significant injury like the most recent one. Better luck isn’t going to change that.

[Minderbinder]

And I thought the Twins overpaid for Buxton....  Take a bow, TD.

[DocBauer]

I keep seeing the many, many Roadrunner  cartoons I watched as a kid.

BEWARE of ANYTHING marked ACME anywhere around Buxton or Target Field.

[nclahammer]