Local Buzzkill Readies 'Does He Pitch?' Zinger

[RandBalls Stu]

“I can see the optimism and hope over (Carlos) Correa in their eyes. That’s when I strike,” said the monster.

As many Minnesotans return to the physical office, men like Josh Kinney await. He has two goals: Drop a “Mondays, am I right?” as early as possible on the first day of the week, and to rob his co-workers of even fleeting joy.

“Lots of people on my floor are Twins fans, couple of them have season tickets,” said the Shorewood native. “I saw the news about Carlos Correa (the new Twins shortstop) and want to make sure they know the club is still in desperate need of pitching.

“I figure they’ll be coming into the break room, maybe to get some coffee or water. I can see the optimism in their eyes. That’s when I strike. ‘Saw that the Twins got Correa. Does he pitch?’ Then I give them a fake laugh and/or shoulder punch and exit the room. Devastation.”

This vile behavior is nothing new for the St. Thomas graduate.

“I guess I knew I was a buzzkill at a young age,” said Kinney, a human resources generalist for Best Buy. “We’d be opening presents at Christmas and I’d be sure to let my siblings know who got the most expensive gifts, right in front of my folks. I could always count on one of them to start wailing and my Mom to get furious. At least until Mom left with her yoga instructor. Then Dad would just give us cash and watch the loudest cable news channel he could find.”

Kinney’s co-workers say his ability to pee on any campfire is unsurpassed.

“We had an Oscars pool one year, like a $10 entry fee, nothing major,” said Betsy Mick, a senior digital strategist. “Josh sent a department-wide email to let everyone know that the winner needs to claim the prize money on their taxes. He CC’ed the IRS. It was remarkable.”

Kinney says his Correa-derived cruelty should be a durable form of death-by-small-talk for months.

“Even if they shore up the rotation, which they won’t, I’ll shift to reminding them he can opt out after this season, which he will,” said the monster. “If things go south and they have to trade him before that, and they will, I’ll remind them of the success rate for prospects.”

Kinney laughed and excused himself to remind a Vikings fan of Kirk Cousins' extension.

 

Image license here.

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[Andrew Mahlke]

This guy being a St Thomas grad is hilarious. Great work as always

[BobAzar]

As a UST Alum, spot on. Those guys are the worst.

 

ETA:

 PS: I swear Im not the typical Tommie...

Edited March 25, 2022 by BobAzar

[wsnydes]

This is brilliant!

Though, if this guy can pitch, he might be worth taking a look at!  I won't be the one having to endure the death-by-small talk.

[ashbury]

Human resources generalist for Best Buy, huh?  Don't forget to turn off the lights after you lay off your last employee, Josh.

[JDubs]

Quote

Kinney laughed and excused himself to remind a Vikings fan of Kirk Cousins' extension.

Ok, that part genuinely hurt

[sampleSizeOfOne]

2 hours ago, ashbury said:

Human resources generalist for Best Buy, huh?  Don't forget to turn off the lights after you lay off your last employee, Josh.

Or you can do it in the dark, which is easier if you are also the employee, although perhaps less rewarding...

 

What's that word? Schadenfreude?

[Yawn Gardenhose]

I've seen this stance mocked by a bunch of people now. Don't know why. It's possible to like the Correa signing but still feel the team can't reasonably compete with the currently assembled pitching staff. This isn't the NBA or NFL where one player can turn a last place team into a title contender. The Angels have the best player in the world AND the reigning league MVP and haven't even had a winning record in seven years. 

[TheLeviathan]

Gee, can think of some local posters who might have been an inspiration.  Well done.

[HrbieFan]

Dicks like this can go ...... themselves 

[Valdespino]

Sounds like a Dick Howser.