Cubs, Curses and Canadians

 

My cousin was a rabid Cubs fan despite growing up in Winona, MN. How rabid was she? Well, you didn’t want to be sitting in the same room with her when she watched her beloved Cubbies on TV; beer cans, ashtrays, knick-knacks and curses filled the air as the Cubbies choked, stumbled and sucked like a twenty-five cent lollipop ( youngsters may have to look that one up).

Speaking of Cubs and curses, most baseball fans know of the Curse of the Billy Goat, supposedly put on the team by an irate fan after the cubs banned his goat from a Cubs game. After the Curse was issued, the Cubs for decades resembled the current Twins team; inept, incompetent, and incorrigible. Makes you wonder if someone hasn’t placed a curse on the Twins, doesn’t it?

Well, I have it on good authority there was indeed a curse placed on the Twins; the dreaded “Curse of the Bull Pen.”

The story, as it was related to me by a drunken soccer fan, is that Liam Hendriks was so torked by the Twinksters letting him slip through their fingertips he reportedly dressed in aboriginal clothing, which isn’t much clothing at all, just a loincloth and some white body paint, but in Liam’s case, since he was in the US at the time, a sweaty jockstrap and some white lithium grease, gazed Down Under… no, he didn’t stick his head up his…, well, you know where. This Down Under is a reference to Australia which is at the bottom of the world and therefore in constant danger of falling off the earth due to centrifugal force. Anyway, Hendriks in his Aussie garb stood in the Twins bullpen, gazed towards Australia and sang “Tie Me Kangaroo Down” out of the left side of his mouth while waving a boomerang all over the place, initiating the Curse of the Bull Pen”.

And the Curse has kept coming back to bite the Twins bull pen guys in the… uh, down under, ever since.

 

 

 

But here’s the scary part. There’s only one known way to remove an Australian Bull Pen Curse. You have to get thirteen rabid, you know, like bitten by a gray wolf rabid, and sober Canadian Twins fans, each carrying a harpoon and naked except for their mukluks and jock straps (sorry ladies), line them up one behind the other (watch those sharp harpoons guys) in the shape of an arrow pointing towards Greenland (as in opposite the other side of the Earth from Australia), and then in a deep rich (never heard of a deep poor one) baritone warble the Twins fans’ theme song, “A Man of Constant Sorrow”.  

 

 

When they finish singing, all thirteen Canadians simultaneously throw their harpoons at a stuffed kangaroo, hopefully hitting it at least once and that’s it! Curse removed!

This curse removal was tried once before with a live kangaroo but it disappeared before the Canadians finished singing… rumor has it the ‘roo had perfect pitch, which is something none of our bull pen guys have, and the off-key Canucks drove him away with their horrendous singing.

Truth be told, the ‘roo wound up at MacDonalds, jumping on a $1 special.

Anyway, as this season winds down I think we should be signing up rabid Canadian fans and buying stuffed kangaroos for another stab at an off-season curse removal. Oh, and if you have a harpoon lying about you might think about donating it to the effort. We’ll stick it down under until then.

 

On the Small Hill tonight:

Twins:  John "Eye" Gant 4-8  4.00 ERA  76 K

Cubbies:  Zach "A Riot" Davies 5.00 ERA 102 K

Twins Line-up

Arraez 2B .299
Buxton CF .331
Polanco DH .273
Donaldson 3B .259
Kepler RF .210
Sano 1B .219
Rooker LF .185
Rortvedt C .129
Simmons SS .223

 

In what world does Simmons outhit four other batters in a 9-man line-up?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cubs ownership swimming in massive Cubs-related real estate profits, forces team to be gutted to save money (before the season started).....that is an ownership group fans should be angry with.

Pitchers:

 

PLAYER	W-L	ERA	WHIP	IP	H	K	BB	HR
Z. Davies	6-10	5.00	1.48	131.1	131	102	64	21
J. Gant	0-2	6.75	1.25	16.0	14	20	6	2

 

Cubs Lineup:

HITTERS	H-AB	RBI	HR	SB	AVG
R. OrtegaCF	58-196	26	8	8	.296
F. SchwindelDH	35-113	20	6	0	.310
I. HappLF	71-357	41	16	2	.199
P. Wisdom3B	65-254	50	25	3	.256
M. Duffy2B	48-188	14	1	4	.255
J. HeywardRF	62-294	25	6	5	.211
A. Rivas1B	2-3	0	0	0	.667
R. ChirinosC	18-72	11	4	0	.250
A. RomineSS	10-52	5	1	0	.192

2 hours ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

growing up in Winona, MN

I grew up in Winona! Maybe I knew her? Although I don't recall knowing any Cubs fans, and if I did, likely wouldn't be friends with them.

2 hours ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

After the Curse was issued, the Cubs for decades resembled the current Twins team; inept, incompetent, and incorrigible. Makes you wonder if someone hasn’t placed a curse on the Twins, doesn’t it?

yeah ... it hasn't been that long. If we go as we are another 70 yrs, okay, then maybe I'll wonder about a curse.

 

43 minutes ago, Mike Sixel said:

Cubs ownership swimming in massive Cubs-related real estate profits, forces team to be gutted to save money (before the season started).....that is an ownership group fans should be angry with.

And now ownership wants to put in a betting parlour connected to Wrigley ... well, a gambling arena, whatever it's called ... of course, it has to get by the city council and the landmark commission. They sucked up all the real estate around Wrigley, they put their team on a pay cable network, even to local fans, and now this. Yup ... not sure how people remain loyal to the team.

Yikes, I didn't realize the Cubs were even worse than we are. Are these the two disappointing teams in 2021? I know the Mets are in that discussion too.

I have it on good authority, the harpoons in the above ritual are beverages rather than weapons.

 

Be that as it may, i hope win just spite any curses.

 

Anyway, what i miss so far?

I would say that the Cub hitters should know Gant well, since he pitched for the rival Cardinals, but who are these guys? I only recognize a couple plus Romine who tried to get a spot with the Twins this spring. 

My mom on the Cubs’ announcers: ‘These guys talk too much’

33 minutes ago, Danchat said:

Yikes, I didn't realize the Cubs were even worse than we are. Are these the two disappointing teams in 2021? I know the Mets are in that discussion too.

Cubs folded before the year started. Owners needed more yachts. 

I really like Perk in the booth. The Twins have a nice group of color commentators around Bremer.

Oh Byron, how we've missed you.

2 hours ago, Squirrel said:

I grew up in Winona! Maybe I knew her? Although I don't recall knowing any Cubs fans, and if I did, likely wouldn't be friends with them.

yeah ... it hasn't been that long. If we go as we are another 70 yrs, okay, then maybe I'll wonder about a curse.

 

Marliss would be 84 now if she was still around to throw things at the TV. But I bet she's still watching the Cubbies, just from a better seat.

15 minutes ago, Squirrel said:

My mom on the Cubs’ announcers: ‘These guys talk too much’

We've shared our appreciation for Benetti and Stone, so it's interesting to be listening to the North Siders this time. 

Your mom isn't wrong, by the way. 

 

Said announcers were noting several outstanding defenders for the Twins. 

Notably, left field was omitted. 

Wow, that was unimpressive even for Rooker.

How did rooker expect to catch that?  Either put the glove up, or back off the wall and play the carom.  Just running into the wall isn't a recipe for a successful catch.

Triples to Buxton? I thought those kinds of gameday updates were reserved for Cave?

15 minutes ago, Mike Sixel said:

Cubs folded before the year started. Owners needed more yachts. 

It must be miserable constantly griping about the financial blessings of others.

Gant and Colome working out together?

 

Joe "Adam" West, what a piece of work.

Both Perkins and Bremer openly taking shots at Joe West tonight.  

4 minutes ago, sampleSizeOfOne said:

Triples to Buxton? I thought those kinds of gameday updates were reserved for Cave?

There was a Brent Rooker in the way. It wasn't Buxton's fault at all.

6 minutes ago, Cap'n Piranha said:

It must be miserable constantly griping about the financial blessings of others.

In defense of Mike, what the Cubs did is pretty crappy. While I'm generally neutral on most owners - it's their job to try to make money and they pursue that vigorously - the Cubs leave a rather bad taste in my mouth with their recent actions, like they're aggressively exploiting fan loyalty after 2016.

I know exactly what John Gant can do to improve his consistency, synchronize his shoulders with his lower half, hide the baseball, and distract the batter.

Do what Sandy Koufax did with his glove hand. It was a kind of magic trick.

Koufax would push off his drive leg, then SLOWLY extend his glove hand forward and above the plate, heel of hand pushed forward, fingers up. This aligns the shoulders properly sideways and provides some of the back arch that made Koufax's pitches "explode" from his hand. It also hides the ball, as your hand is wide open inside the glove. At the apex of the extended glove hand, You close the glove and do a pretty little pirouette with the glove hand, then yank the glove hand wrist down and back towards the rib cage. Trick is, this is where you accelerate the shoulder turn, drawing the glove hand in tight to increase rotation speed. This is stage two of Koufax's "triple catapult" action. I do not necessarily recommend the arched back, tho back problems were not what finally ended Koufax's career. 

What would Gant gain? First, his heater would pick up a couple mph. Second, his command of his heater would get much better. Third, hitters would not pick up the ball until much later. Right now, Gant simply drops his glove hand, tho he does finish in position to field. So did Koufax, but with a much hotter fastball. 

Of course, I could be wrong about this. On the other hand, I tried it several years ago when I was analyzing Koufax's motion. Damned if it didn't make the ball explode out of my mid-50's hand. Also made my elbow hurt like hell. Don't try to throw like Koufax if you're over 30. You know whose motion is easy on the arm? Maddox's. 

6 minutes ago, Cap'n Piranha said:

Both Perkins and Bremer openly taking shots at Joe West tonight.  

And waht's sad, is that West deserves none of the shots or criticism.  This guy keeps himself in top shape, never uses his personal opinion on a job related subject, and his homeplate calls are accurate to several hundredths of a point.  No, leave Mr West alone.  He's one of the best things about our National Pasttime.  Luv ya, Joe.

Gotta love it when Kepler "bunts" and Sano "goes the other way." 

Rooker definitely owes us a hit here, after that Delmon Young impression in left field.....

Just now, Brock Beauchamp said:

In defense of Mike, what the Cubs did is pretty crappy. While I'm generally neutral on most owners - it's their job to try to make money and they pursue that vigorously - the Cubs leave a rather bad taste in my mouth recently with their actions.

Yeah, this is driven mostly by my past interactions with Mike, which are overwhelmingly negative against owners.  At a certain point, continuing to complain about owners choosing to maximize profits becomes more about opting for misery than anything else.

Just now, h2oface said:

Rooker definitely owes us a hit here, after that Delmon Young impression in left field.....

Rooker wishes.