TWINS, TIGERS AND TIP-TOEING THROUGH THE TULIPS

 

 

Thank you Buck Owens for predicting the Twins 2021 future so far in advance. Love the nighttime highway construction worker “don’t-hit-me” suit. I wonder if it comes with a plug-in cord or if it’s battery operated.

The Twins are sort of like Buck; deceased but still playing. The Twins chances of making the play-offs are dead, fini, zilcho. In other words, their buck stops here. And though Buck still sounds good, the Twins… well, they don’t even smell good. Those big birds circling over the stadium? Buzzards. It’s just a question of which current Twins players are dead meat, trade bait, or building blocks for a hopefully much better 2022 season.

The Tigers are only mostly dead, there’s a difference between all dead and mostly dead.

 

 

The 3rd place Tigers are drifting more slowly down the River Styx whereas the Twins have a 190 hp motor on the back of their pontoon. No question as to which team is going to reach the far shore first. So bet on a lot of carrion in the stadium tonight. No, not "carry-on", as in luggage, though the Twins do seem to have a lot of baggage; "carrion" as in dead meat.

Dead meat. The phrase begs it’s own question; does anybody eat live meat? Maybe other than a cannibal whose Weber is on the fritz?

I had a Webber once. He was married to my first cousin. Actually she wasn’t my “first” cousin. More like the twentieth or twenty-first if I list them by age. I come from a large family. We could start our own country. One of my uncles was large enough to play football for both the Packers and the Detroit Lions. Not at the same time. Nobody’s that large. But my large uncle’s Detroit playing time gives me the bone-a-fidos to write this game thread. Arrf!

Anyway, Webber was blind as a bat (little baseball talk there). But it didn’t stop him from driving. He drove out to our place for a family reunion once and I had to stand out at the end of the driveway and flag him down after he drove right by a half dozen times. That was despite the sign on the road with our family name and a florescent arrow pointing at our house. Still took three passes to get him to pull in after I started flagging him down. Felt like I was one of those guys with the ping pong paddles and the old-fashion leather football helmet that stands on the deck of an aircraft carrier in those old World War II movies and guides planes in for a landing. “Pull up! Pull up g@%$#&it!”

Clowns hold an annual event they call Grimaldi’s Funeral. It’s a festival recognizing some clown named Joseph Grimaldi who’s considered the father of clowning. Clowns come from miles around to join in the fun. Sort of like the 3rd place Tigers coming to play the last place Twins. Though with all the speculative trade talk, this series could prove to be more funeral-like for some of the ball players, others might just be clowning around. You know, like they’ve been doing all season.

In the meantime the buzzards will be circling…

“Pull up! Pull up g@%$#&it!”

Bring your forks.

 

Mound Clowns

Twins:  Pure Happ - enstance  4-4  6.09 ERA  59K

Tigraes:  Turik "Screwball" Skubal  4-4  4.35 ERA  100K

 

WWE Lineups

Twins

"Handsome" Jorge Polanco 2B

Josh "Hamstring" Donaldson 3B

Nelson "The Hammer" Cruz DH

Trevor "Long Ball" Larnach LF

Ryan "The Ripper" Jeffers C

Miguel "The Whiffer" Sano 1B

Max "Panzerfaust" Kepler RF

Gilberto "The Gunner" Celestino CF

Andrelton "Where's My Glove" Simmons SS

 

Tigers

Niko "Should've Kept Me" Goodrum SS

Jonathan "Goes For Me Too" Schoop 1B

Eric "Hasenpfeffer" Haase LF

Miguel "Missing In Action" Cabrera DH

Jeimer "Can-Can" Candelario 3B

Zack "A Dollar" Short SS

Willi "Wonka" Castro 2B

Nomar "The Nomad" Mazara RF

Jake "Shake 'n Bake" Rogers C

 

 

 

 

Wow, what a matchup! Aa true scalper's dream. Bet the ticket resale market is all abuzz for this one.  Final score prediction - Twins 6, Tigers 5 in a barnburner. 

9 minutes ago, LA VIkes Fan said:

Wow, what a matchup! Aa true scalper's dream. Bet the ticket resale market is all abuzz for this one.  Final score prediction - Twins 6, Tigers 5 in a barnburner. 

That will only require three hours and 42 minutes to complete nine innings. 

26 minutes ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

Mound Clowns

Twins:  Pure Happ - enstance  4-4  6.09 ERA  59K

Tigraes:  Turik "Screwball" Skubal  4-4  6.09 ERA  100K

6 minutes ago, Brock Beauchamp said:

That will only require three hours and 42 minutes to complete nine innings. 

For a game like this, for that length, I really don't have enough Scotch...

1 minute ago, wsnydes said:

For a game like this, for that length, I really don't have enough Scotch...

Scotland doesn’t have enough scotch for this matchup. 

Well ... thanks for that announcement @Brock Beauchamp ... now this is what I have going through my head ... I didn't know that was Chubby Checker ... awesome

 

hmmm ... maybe this could be an activity at the next meltdown

8 minutes ago, Brock Beauchamp said:

Scotland doesn’t have enough scotch for this matchup. 

I appear to be in trouble then.  

BREAK OUT THE EMERGENCY BOURBON!

1 minute ago, wsnydes said:

I appear to be in trouble then.  

BREAK OUT THE EMERGENCY BOURBON!

lol ... that reminds me of something I once said at an interview ... there was a committee of 9 people and the principal librarian of the BSO said they were going to give me some situational examples to see how I'd handle things, and jokingly said ... the principal librarian comes in and exclaims he was out of scotch ... and without missing a beat, I said, I immediately reach into my bottom drawer for the emergency stash ... everyone laughed

Wow, I made the mistake of looking at the batting averages behind our #4 hitter, Larnach. They go - Jeffers .198, Sano .200 (on the way up!), Kepler .207 (also on the way up!), Celestino .156, and Simmons .231. Ouch, is that pathetic.  And I wonder why this team has trouble scoring runs...

One of these teams has an opportunity to sweep the series, and make a move in the standings.  But whoda thunk one of thes teams would be the Tigers. Actually it would be fitting if they split, and sank slowly into the abyss side by side! 

7 minutes ago, Squirrel said:

lol ... that reminds me of something I once said at an interview ... there was a committee of 9 people and the principal librarian of the BSO said they were going to give me some situational examples to see how I'd handle things, and jokingly said ... the principal librarian comes in and exclaims he was out of scotch ... and without missing a beat, I said, I immediately reach into my bottom drawer for the emergency stash ... everyone laughed

There are so many days where wish I had Scotch at work, let alone an emergency stash...

That story is hilarious, by the way!  Love it!

We're still in it!

1 minute ago, wsnydes said:

There are so many days where I had Scotch at work, let alone an emergency stash...

I hope you weren't a school bus driver.

Quite a nice first inning for Happ. 

1 minute ago, RickOShea said:

I hope you weren't a school bus driver.

Nah, far less serious.  Colorectal surgeon.

27 minutes ago, Brock Beauchamp said:

Fixed it. Thanks. Sure miss being able to preview before posting.

2 minutes ago, wsnydes said:

Nah, far less serious.  Colorectal surgeon.

I hear colonoscopies are now $5,000 a crack.

3 minutes ago, stringer bell said:

Quite a nice first inning for Happ. 

The truth of the matter is that Happ  may very well cruise through the first few innings.  Wait til the 4th or 5th inning roll along. and Detroit's hitters have a 2nd or 3rd look.  Happ will end up having full conversations eith the people sitting behind home plate in the stands.

1 minute ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

I hear colonoscopies are now $5,000 a crack.

It'll be a hell of a lot more if I drink Scotland out of Scotch tonight!

1 minute ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

I hear colonoscopies are now $5,000 a crack.

Yeah, thank God they have them.  My brother had one, and it ended up saving his life.  What a hoot!

23 minutes ago, LA VIkes Fan said:

Wow, I made the mistake of looking at the batting averages behind our #4 hitter, Larnach. They go - Jeffers .198, Sano .200 (on the way up!), Kepler .207 (also on the way up!), Celestino .156, and Simmons .231. Ouch, is that pathetic.  And I wonder why this team has trouble scoring runs...

While those numbers aren't great keep in mind that the AL is hitting .2435. In that context Simmons hitting .231 is actually pretty good for a fielding-first shortstop. Provided he performs as a fielder, of course.

3 minutes ago, RickOShea said:

Yeah, thank God they have them.  My brother had one, and it ended up saving his life.  What a hoot!

Good for you and your brother. I lost two brothers, two months apart. Colonoscopy didn't save either one. But it did catch it early enough on another brother so I count my blessings.

Pitchers duel

Whoops

That’s more like it. 

Didn't some Goober comment about Happ going through the lineup the 2nd time?

Oh yeah, that Goober was me.

Happ’s 17th home run in 78 innings.

Yikes, bro. 

Everything about that play at second is going to be my favorite thing about tonight.