Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes

Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out

Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball

Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it

Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot

Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear

Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast

Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat

Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here

Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019

Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40

Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39

Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas

Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz

Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated

Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much

Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states

Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors

Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here

Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him

Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly

Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs

Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska

Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh

Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits

Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have

Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes

Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes

Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish

Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible

Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little"

Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here

C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here

Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent

Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him

Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much

Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York

Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible

Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left

Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long

Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh?

Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta

Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible

Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer?

Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast?

Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan.

Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over

Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over

C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over

Eric Thames RF 33 -

Steve Cishek RP 34 -

Steven Pearce 1B 37

Jedd Gyorko 3B 31

Pedro Strop RP 35

Kevin Pillar CF 31

Collin McHugh RP 33

Tyson Ross SP 33

Robinson Chirinos C 36

Arodys Vizcaino RP 29

Juan Lagares CF 31

Travis Shaw 3B 30

Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28

Danny Salazar SP 30

Justin Smoak 1B 33

Hector Rondon RP 32

Wilmer Flores 2B 28

Will Harris RP 35

Steven Souza RF 31

Jon Jay RF 35

Matt Adams 1B 31

Jarrod Dyson CF 35

Jimmy Nelson RP 31

Brock Holt 2B 32

Brian Duensing RP 37

Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34

Addison Russell SS 26

Chad Bettis SP 31

Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36

Clay Buchholz SP 35

Wade LeBlanc RP 35

Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31

Shawn Kelley RP 36

Matt Duffy 3B 29

Nate Jones RP 34

Tony Cingrani RP 30

Hernan Perez 2B 29

David Phelps RP 33

Matt Albers RP 37

Justin Bour 1B 32

Matt Moore SP 31

Jose Iglesias SS 30

Martin Maldonado C 33

Jonny Venters RP 35

Craig Stammen RP 36

Jared Hughes RP 34

Edinson Volquez RP 36

Logan Forsythe 2B 33

Derek Dietrich 2B 30

Brian McCann C 36

Hunter Pence RF 37

Neil Walker 2B 34

Gio Gonzalez SP 34

Domingo Santana RF 27

Devon Travis 2B 29

J.C. Ramirez SP 31

Kazuhisa Makita RP

Francisco Liriano RP 36

Devin Mesoraco C 32

Tim Beckham 3B 30

Curtis Granderson LF 39

Kyle Barraclough RP 30

Chris Rusin RP 33

Luis Garcia RP 33

John Axford RP 37

Luis Avilan RP 30

Brandon Guyer LF 34

Ryan Tepera RP 32

Daniel Hudson RP 33

Matt Wieters C 34

Tyler Clippard RP 35

Brandon Maurer RP 29

Jerry Blevins RP 36

Robbie Erlin RP 29

Cory Gearrin RP 34

Ryan Buchter RP 33

Aaron Loup RP 32

Steven Wright RP 35

Jeremy Hellickson RP 33

Dominic Leone RP 28

Dan Otero RP 35

Bryan Hoay C 32

Cory Spangenberg 2B 29

Greg Bird 1B 27

Melky Cabrera LF 35

Kevin Plawecki C 29

Caleb Joseph C 34

Josh Phegley C 32

Nicholas Tropeano SP 29

Jose Lobaton C 35

Gorkys Hernandez LF 32

Adam Rosales 2B 37

Ervin Santana SP 37

Logan Morrison DH 32

Erasmo Ramirez SP 30

Matt Joyce LF 35

Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31

Josh Tomlin RP 35

Ryan Goins 2B 32

Jerad Eickhoff SP 29

Bryan Mitchell RP 29

John Ryan Murphy C 29

Xavier Cedeno RP 33

Tyler Saino SS 30

Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27

Jesus Sucre C 32

Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30

Andres Blanco 3B 36

Tom Koehler RP 34

Josh Fields RP 34

Javy Guerra RP 34

Fernando Abad RP 34

Ronald Torreyes 2B 27

Guillermo Heredia CF 29

Tony Barnette RP 36

Gordon Beckham 2B 33

J.B. Shuck LF 33

Allen Webster SP 30

Michael Blazek RP 31

Cody Anderson SP 29

Josh Thole C 33

Pat Venditte RP 35

Ryon Healy 1B 28

Elias Diaz C 29

Matt Grace RP 31

Jose Pirela 2B 30

Dan Straily SP 31

Jesse Biddle RP 28

Edubray Ramos RP 27

Kevan Smith C 32

Trevor Hildenberger RP 29

Joey Rickard LF 29

Jacob Barnes RP 30

John Hicks C 30

Daniel Stumpf RP 29

Tyler Olson RP 30

J.T. Riddle SS 28

Aaron Brooks SP 30

D.J. Johnson RP 30

Jacob Nix SP 24

Ryan Burr RP 26

Rajai Davis CF 39

Carlos Gomez RF 34

Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway.

Kohl Stewart RP 25

Tim Peterson RP 29

Felipe Paulino SP 36

Hector Santiago RP 32

Eric Sogard 2B 34

Mike Morin RP 29

Homer Bailey SP 34

Blake Parker RP 35

Brian Schlitter RP 34

Brooks Pounders RP 29

Danny Hultzen RP 30

Caleb Frare RP 26

Thyago Vieira RP 27

Ryan Feierabend SP 34

Derek Law RP 29

Jim Adduci CF 35

Jason Adam RP 28

Rob Brantly C 30

Wilkin Castillo C 36

Rico Garcia P 26

Isaac Galloway RF 30

Humberto Arteaga SS 26

Oscar Hernandez C 26

Erick Mejia 2B 25

Deven Marrero SS 29

Ian Gibaut RP 26

Peter O'Brien RF 29

Jace Peterson 3B 30

Yadiel Rivera 2B 28

David Hale RP 32

Tom Milone SP 33

Josh Smith RP 32

Drew Gagnon RP 30

Fernando Salas RP 35

Joe Hudson C 29

Francisco Cervelli C 34

Austin Adams P 33

Joe Panik 2B 29

Ross Detwiler RP 34

Aaron Slegers SP 27

Zac Rosscup RP 32

Chris Owings 2B 28

Robby Scott RP 30

Juan Minaya RP 29

Brad Miller 2B 30

Charlie Tilson CF 27

Mike Gerber OF 27

Kris Negron RF 34

Edwin Jackson SP 36

Tyler Lyons RP 32

Buddy hers RP 32

Jonathan Lucroy C 34

Tim Federowicz C 33

Sean Gilmartin RP 30

Cameron Maybin RF 33

Rookie Davis SP 27

Donnie Hart RP 29

Sean Rodriguez 2B 35

Ricardo Pinto RP 26

Gabriel Ynoa SP 27

Yonder Alonso 1B 33

David Carpenter RP 34

Tayler Scott SP 28

Ryan Eades P 28

Matt Kemp LF 35

Pablo Sandoval 3B 33

Bobby Wilson C 37

Rene Rivera C 36

Nick Vincent RP 33

Juan Centeno C 30

Ryan LaMarre LF 31

Gregor Blanco RF 36

Chris Stewart C 38

Marcos Mateo RP 36

Erik Kratz C 40

Tim Collins RP 30

Jeff Bianchi 2B 33

Rubby De La Rosa SP 31

Josh Edgin RP 33

Jemile Weeks 2B 33

Travis Snider RF 32

Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36

Mike Zagurski RP 37

Shane Robinson CF 35

Cliff Pennington SS 36

Alex Wilson RP 33

Danny Espinosa SS 33

Ricky Nolasco SP 37

Logan Kensing RP 37

Dylan Axelrod RP 34

Johnny Giavotella 2B 32

Duane Below RP 34

J.C. can C 40

Chris Withrow RP 31

Nick Franklin LF 29

Rafael Lopez C 32

George Kontos RP 35

Seth Maness RP 31

Alcides Escobar SS 33

Grant Green LF 32

Neftali Feliz RP 32

J.J. Hoover RP 32

Wilin Rosario 1B 31

Chris Hatcher RP 35

Dan Runzler RP 35

Collin Balester RP 34

Brandon Beachy SP 33

Brandon Hicks 2B 34

Henderson Alvarez SP 30

Juan Jaime RP 32

Alex Torres RP 32

Robbie Ross RP 31

Drew Hutchison SP 29

Zach McAllister RP 32

Cole Gillespie LF 36

Stolmy Pimentel RP 30

Michael Martinez 2B 37

Dioner Navarro C 36

Logan Ondrusek RP 35

Stephen Pryor RP 30

Fernando Rodriguez RP 36

Ezequiel Carrera LF 33

Wilkin Ramirez LF 34

Emilio Bonifacio CF 35

Mark Rogers RP 34

B.J. Rosenberg RP 34

Justin Sellers SS 34

Moises Sierra RF 31

Scott Van Slyke LF 33

Josh Zeid RP 33

Zach Putnam RP 32

Shelby Miller SP 29

David Lough RF 34

Brad Boxberger RP 32

Hector Sanchez C 30