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2022 Season Blog

Bullpen Blues - A Twins Blog

The Twins dropped the series to the Diamondbacks and, as of this writing, are only one game ahead of the Guardians in the division. Next up, a whole slew of games against those Guardians. Beware. I’m trying to maintain my optimism after the series loss in Arizona. It’s not going well. I tried to listen to the game on Sunday, but all that happened was that I got to hear the Diamondbacks hit a grand slam. A door to victory shuts. I switch my Echo Dot (a wonderful Father’s Day gift from my bel

Full Squads, Empty Hearts.

If my Twins blog gets any bleaker, it'll have to wear black eyeliner.   Not too worried. First Spring Training home run by a Minnesota Twin will have me predicted a World Series victory in six games. I'm like that.   Roger Clemens is threatening to become an obsession for me. He could go into the Ty Cobb Hall of Fame for players so completely unlikeable they've become loveable. I'd drive him there myself, as long as I didn't have to rub Icy-Hot on his groin area.   Saints preserve us, I'm starti
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

5
2022 Season Blog

I Know the Pieces Fit - A Twins Blog

Writing one column for every Twins series has made me realize how fickle a fan I am. If the Twins lose a few more than they win, I’m the first guy to say we’re all doomed. Twins win a few and I’m starting to plan for the playoffs. Win and strut about. Lose and pout in the corner. I’m the exact kind of fan that drives other fans nuts. Today, though, I feel as if I’ve arrived in a moment of clarity. The Twins are far enough into the season for me to say they are a play-off worthy team. There’
2022 Season Blog

Be Aggressive - A Twins Blog

The Guardians took two out of three from the Twins, sending us down to second place. On Wednesday the 22nd, the Twins put up ten runs and still lost. Now it’s time for a three-game series against the Rockies and then a five-game series against the Guardians. Part of me wants these games to be as feisty and spirited as a parking-lot fist fight. We need a lot of runs to win games. Everyone needs to contribute, and the elite need to be at their best. Every at bat is personal now. Defensiv

Walk Out Music.

Picture it: It's the bottom of the ninth at Target Field. The Twins are down by one and there's a runner on second. For a moment, you forgot there were two outs, and you forgot who was up next. Then, the walk-up music starts . . . and you still can't tell. It's not AC/DC, so it's not Morneau. The guy behind you asks "What song is that?"   A trip to Target Field is a trip to baseball heaven, but the music gets piped in from elevator hell.   Walk-up songs are a cue for fans to believe their home
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

5
2022 Season Blog

The Scream of the Goat - A Twins Blog

"I'm not superstitious. But I'm a little stitious." - Michael Scott As fans of The Office know, Michael Scott can sometimes share deep knowledge. I think a lot of us are a little "stitious" when it comes to baseball. Prior to this Twins/Tigers series, I'd have told you I'm not a very superstitious person at all. Then, my coworker and I made Max Kepler good again. I'll explain. Before the series started, we were talking about Miguel Sano. We both remembered Aaron Gleeman's mailbag

The Buterrible-Pun Men.

Between the idea and reality, between the motion and the act, falls the home run Towles hit this afternoon.   We terrible pun men wait by our computers, with our pointer fingers cocked and ready.   We terrible pun men, already awaiting the opportunity to be the first to title a blog post "The End of a But-ERA" when the catcher is dropped from the roster.   In this frozen land, we know only one smart-assed blogger can be the first to use "The End of a But-ERA." And so we wait with eyes watchin
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

5
2022 Season Blog

Goodbye, Wes Johnson - A Twins Blog

Wes Johnson, huh? This doesn’t feel good. I’ve read the articles and the blog posts and the comments. I’ve had a chance to digest this thing. So far, it doesn’t sit well in my tummy. Like a member of the clean plate club choking down a particularly bad supper, I gagged on Wes Johnson writing until I could feel despair grow in my chest. First of all, the Twins were paying him $250,000 a year? Doesn't Griffin Jax makes twice that? Hell, doesn't every player on the team makes at least twi

A Spectral Jason Tyner.

This morning, I sat down with my granola and Diet Mountain Dew, ready to begin my day. As my hindquarters hit the couch, and before my hand could reach the remote, I noticed a strange presence sitting in a chair in my living room. I was surprised, but somehow I recognized this intruder.   "Jason Tyner?" I asked.   Tyner nodded.   "How did you get in my living room?"   "You're imagining me here," he said. His mouth did not move. "You've been avoiding me inside your own brain, and I had to appea
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

4

Game 9 - Zombies.

Another bland game, suffered through on a Minnesota night where the only thing worse than the grey ugliness in the sky is the twenty feet of snow coming next. The Twins didn't plate a run in a game. 11 strikes outs. Swept by the Royals. I sincerely hope we can bury this game under the snow and forget it.   Earlier in my day, I enjoyed the Rue Morgue Podcast. Horror expert Andrea Subissati mentioned a Wade Davis, the ethnobiologist whose work regarding voodoo and zombies was the direct inspiratio
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

4

Ch-ch-ch ah-ah-ah

CH-CH-CH AH-AH-AH   FEAR IN A HANDFUL OF ROSIN PART 3   A MR. HORRORPANTS SCREENPLAY     THE CAMERA PANS OVER AN EMPTY TARGET. DESPITE THE STADIUM'S BARRENNESS, WE CAN HEAR THE SOUNDS OF BASEBALL. PERHAPS THE HAPPY SOUNDS OF THE 2010 SEASON.   MR. HORRORPANTS IS STANDING ALONE AT HOME PLATE. HIS LAB COAT IS FLAPPING IN THE BREEZE.   BEHIND HIM, FROM THE OPPOSING DUGOUT, THE SPECTRAL IMAGE OF JOHAN SANTANA APPEARS.   JOHAN SANTANA It's time.   MR. HORRORPANTS I knew this day would come. We'v
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

Back to School.

World Series, baby!   Twins have lost two games of spring training, but they're actually playing and I heard them on the radio. Plus, Willingham knocked one out of the park. My head still knows they're going to suck, but my hearts already preparing to race as the Twins vie for the AL Central.   I'm way too excited about guys with giant numbers on their jerseys. This year's Twins squad going to be like a group of high school seniors all the teachers have already written off.   The school analog
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

Send Swarzak Squatching!

It is time we all join together to accomplish a great thing, Twins Territory.   We must send Anthony Swarzak on a Bigfoot hunting expedition. Swarzak has publicly discussed his interest in cryptozoology. I'm skeptical about the existence of an unidentified , two-legged mammal remaining undiscovered by science for so long, but I'm definitely a supporter of encouraging curiosity into the unknown.   The Twins pitcher has taken enough ribbing for his curiosity about nature, and he needs a chance t
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

A Spring Training Report From A Civil War Era Soldier.

12 March, 2012.   Ft. Myers, Florida.     I trust this Letter finds you Well and in Good Health and Spirit. Tell Mother I miss her Hot Dish Casserole every Day.   I fear this Baseball Season will be what We feared it would be when this Spring Training Campaign began. It is now mid-March, as you can see, and we are still faced with the same Questions of last Year's horrid and shameful Defeat.   The Artillery was splendid yesterday, on 11 March 2012, but surely that one sublime Gift of Providence
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

Profit and Loss

Nishioka's demotion to Rochester woke the Internet like a robin singing. At that moment, Spring Training truly arrived. Players without unquestionable abilities are now assets, each compared to similar players and measured for potential value for the team.   When someone like Nishioka is cut early, it adds drama to the entire process. He represents a large investment of time and money, and sending him to the minors so quickly says a lot. This leaves the Twins with a bench spot to fill, and a
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

Five and One, Baby.

It's Monday. The Twins aren't playing at the moment, but they're going to unload the war wagons and take on Detroit on their turf. The Twins have taken two series from divisional foes, and winning a third series would feel like a nice little start to somethin' somethin'.   Five to one. That makes me pause for a second to remind people to appreciate The Doors like they ought to appreciate them. If you're going to roll down your car windows and drive down a rural highway this summer, you'd better
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

Gettin' Attached.

As I write this, the Twins have dropped three of the last four. Pride and hope take their lumps. Whatever bunkers Twins fans have built to survive 90 loss seasons are restocking their apocalyptic buffets.   The Twins will go back into the mines tonight to try to find baseball gold, and it seems increasingly like Byron Buxton is the canary early-warning system for disaster. Thus far, he's looking a little rough. If he drops back to the minors, or stops seeing playing time, things look rougher for
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

Friends, GMs, Bloggers, and Fans: The Blogger "Controversy"

The following are my thoughts on the blogger versus journalist "debate." They are largely unresearched and completely subjective, but I hope they offer something to the public discussion.   1) It's not really a debate. This discussion is about the journalistic appraisal of the talent of the blogging community. I don't believe the discussion lends itself toward critiquing the journalistic community. Some mainstream journalists (Jon Heyman comes to mind) get more blogger abuse than others, but usu
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

Ain't Nobody Happy.

Miguel Sano is the AL Player of the Week. Baseballs scream at night for their baseball parents to make sure Miguel Sano isn't under their bed. As I write this, the Twins have a winning schedule.   Good. Because let's face it, none of us are happy about anyone else.   The dam of Internet puppies and kitties finally busted. Log on to social media and drown in smarm and misery. Tyler Durden once wondered how far clever would get a person, and I think we found out. I don't know about you, but the am
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

Donruss Commons

We used to bike to the Denver, Iowa, Kwik Trip (before it became Kwik Star) to buy baseball cards. I'd prop my dirt bike up on its kick stand, ignore it when it fell over anyway, and scramble into the store to buy packs of Topps and Donruss baseball cards.   I didn't really know baseball at the time, so every card boasting a name I'd heard of was pure gold to me. I thought I had a pretty sweet collection going until my friends told me all I had were a bunch of commons. I couldn't even pretend l
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3
Essay.

Stumbling Out of the Gates - A Twins Blog

Baseball is a marathon, not a sprint . . . but I'm willing to bet you can spoil a marathon with a weak start. Mental fortitude cracking with the arrhythmic slapping of your feet against the pavement. Planning and precision giving way to panic. Comparing yourself to the other runners, who seem to be running flawlessly. Baseball is a marathon . . . for the fans, too. It takes commitment to stay abreast of a whole season. The game this afternoon felt like a must-win situation to keep some sens
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen in Essay.

3

Still Preheating.

September 1st, 2007.   Driving home from a night class at St. Mary's, I turned on the Twins game. Gordo was hinting at something big happening for the guy on the mound. I listened to the game and drove home in a daze. I parked my car and did my best to walk to my back door without running or skipping. Once inside, I turned on the baseball game and called my wife into the living room.   "I can't say what's going on, but look at the numbers on the scoreboard when Scott Baker gets to the mound," I
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3
2022 Season Blog

Clear Skies at Target Field - A Twins Blog

The Twins won two out of three in their series against the Guardians. As luck would have it, we managed to go to the game they lost. It would’ve been much more fun if we attended the game where the Twins put up twelve and Royce hit his first home run, but we did not. We got the low scoring game, where the teams went into extra innings tied one-all. The cliché holds true, though. A bad night at the ballpark is still a good night. I went in good company and enjoyed the conversation. The weat

Twins/Indians (Games 25-27)

Twins at Cleveland   Except Tonight (Game 25)   For me, skipping the 10th inning of an extra innings game is like skipping the opener of a rock concert. You usually don’t miss much.   Except tonight, when the Twins crapped out in extra inning (singular).   Because I am a fan of the heart and not of the head, I assume the Twins will win all games where the score stays close. And when a home run comes flying out of the Magical Land of Parmelee, the Twins just have to win.   Except tonight, when t
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

Spring and Things.

The Twins are down in Florida, getting ready to play baseball.   I AM excited, of course. It just feels like all us Twins' fans got a Christmas tree out, and we're trying to pretend the packages that look and feel like bags of tube socks aren't really tube socks.   It's gonna be a tube socks year, folks.   Need to make it a goal to at least TRY to remember the names of the starting pitchers. Think I might try cue cards.   Two crappy seasons behind us. Someone has to be mad in that clubhouse. We
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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