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This weekend, baseball returns to the Twin Cities: in OPERA FORM! "The Fix" is the latest in the Minnesota Opera's long running endeavor to bring new and distinct modern voices to an art form often seen as antiquated. It tells the story of the 1919 Chicago "Black" Sox, who conspired to lose the World Series in exchange for payoffs from a gambling syndicate. It's a dark chapter in the national past time's history, one that claimed the careers of both rookies and veterans, wise souls and dumb kids. It's a great story and boasts a tremendous score, cast, and design. But! We Peanuts are discouraged. Sure we love baseball. And yes, we love opera. But why let the White Sox (even the historical type) cruise to victory on Minnesota Opera stages? Why not mount a second baseball opera, one that captures the essence of the Twins themselves with just as much drama and even better connections to the local fan base. We Peanuts have found just the tragic story to tell (albeit with a little dramatic license). With that we propose: KNOBLAUCH! A tragedy in 4 acts Cast List: Chuck Knoblauch (Tenor): Twins Second Baseman Kent Hrbek (Bass): Twins First Baseman Kirby Puckett (Tenor): Twins Center Fielder Jack Morris (Baritone): Twins Pitcher Tom Kelly (Baritone): Twins Manager Nike (Soprano): Goddess of Victory/Advertising Agent George Steinbrenner (Bass): The owner of the New York Yankees Derek Jeter (Tenor): Yankees Shortstop Act 1: It is Game 7 of the 1991 World Series at the Metrodome. Members of the Twins (Knoblauch, Hrbek, Puckett, Morris, Kelly, and chorus), sing of the tension, the drama and the hope of the game as it enters the bottom of the 10th and Dan Gladden doubles to lead off the inning. Chuck Knoblauch returns to the dugout after bunting Gladden along and laments that his best contribution in this pivotal game would be just a bunt. At this moment, Nike enters to offer Knoblauch a vision of the future. As she sings, she paints him a picture of the future where he is a great player, an all-star, a local legend, (and the recipient of a lucrative endorsement with a sports apparel brand that shall remain nameless). However, he can only have this if he is willing to suffer with the team and the fans. As the winning run scores, Knoblauch agrees to the deal. Act 2: July 1997, Knoblauch enters the clubhouse alone and rages at the emptiness. The team has lost again and his patience is running thin. In the show's central aria he sings of his despair as fleeting images appear before him and the audience. He mourns his ailing father, remembering and mimicking a game of catch long past. His memories take him through the farewell songs and cheers for teammates past (Puckett, Morris, Hrbek). He cannot understand the love and support they receive despite their failings (on the field and off) while he carries on alone. Desperate, he cries out to Nike to release him from his pledge, to let him feel joy on the field again, and to bless him with the chance to play for a winning team. Nike appears to take mercy on him, but warns him of the consequences: his play will decline, his status will fade, and he will lose his legendary status if he leaves now before the vision comes to pass. Unable to take it anymore, Knoblauch pleads to be released from his bonds, and is granted them in the form of a Yankees jersey. Act 3: September 2000. Knoblauch is surrounded by indifferent fans at Yankee Stadium. They pass by him without a glance, singing praises for Derek Jeter, and occasional laments that there is no one better to play with him in the infield. Stung by this dismissal, Knoblauch addresses George Steinbrenner, requesting reassurance, but Steinbrenner insults him and moves on. Adrift and unsure, Knoblauch calls out again for Nike, but she is seen at a distance singing a love duet about Derek Jeter (with Derek Jeter), both of them ignore Knoblauch's increasing frenzy and fear until he cannot sing any more due to a case of hiccoughs. Silenced, Knoblauch picks up a ball to play catch, but that too betrays him, his throw going wildly afield http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YVPRsJqJqNQ/TuZI744iVkI/AAAAAAAABkg/ixRcqAq5CWU/s320/kelly+befriends+chuck.jpg Act 4: May 2 2001: Returning to the Metrodome field 10 years after we last saw it, Knoblauch hears the echoes of his old rage, but directed at him from the chorus in the bleachers. He stands alone in Left Field singing a quiet song of isolation and annoyance as garbage, batteries, and hot dogs surround him. Tom Kelly briefly appears to offer him condolences, but Knoblauch only wishes fans would get over it as the garbage builds to his knees. Nike appears, on her way to sing to Jeter, and reminds Knoblauch of the promise he broke to her. Knoblauch scoffs, certain that he'd never have had support as the garbage reaches his waist. Nike provides him with a final vision: another title, the jeers turned to cheers, a statute of him by a new stadium as the young players drafted during bad years come of age, with Knoblauch as their mentor. Nike leaves him as the garbage continues to pile up and Knoblauch defiantly declares his strength until he is tragically buried in dollar dogs. CURTAIN

A young Eden Prairie boy plans to buy a Bryce Harper rookie card this weekend. One area baseball executive is hoping he can change his mind. Jake Evenson, 10, got a $20 bill for his birthday. The young Eden Prairie baseball fanatic knows exactly what he wants, too: a Bryce Harper rookie card.“He’s my favorite player, and there’s one I can get for $15,” said Evenson. “Mom said we could buy it this weekend.” Twins Executive Vice President and Chief Baseball Officer Derek Falvey wants him to reconsider. “I think he should really take a wait-and-see approach to this purchase,” said Falvey. “He has a solid card collection right now. If it appreciates in value, that’s when he can strike.” Evenson, who was pulled out of science class to take Falvey’s phone call, was confused. “It was pretty weird. This man said I should hold onto that $20 if I needed it down the line. I’m 10. I don’t have bills. I like Bryce Harper and I can afford it. “The last time someone got a call in my class it’s because their dad was in jail,” Evenson added. Falvey, who said the phone call was part of the team’s new Community Outreach program, understands Evenson’s passion, but urged the youngster to take the long view. “What if he really gets into Fortnite or comic books? At that age, your tastes are mercurial. All of a sudden, you have this Bryce Harper card that was cool at the time, but now you want to trade it in for some Claremont-era X-Men issues. Then the market isn’t there and all you can get is a cruddy Daredevil that smells like milk.” Evenson remains adamant. “I like Spiderman, but Mr. Falvey said he’s not an X Man. I want a Bryce Harper card because I have money and he’s awesome.” Falvey remains convinced that he can sway the child to his way of thinking. “Later today we’re sending T.C. Bear to Jake’s after-school program with a dozen pizzas and a personalized t-shirt cannon signed by Jonathan Schoop,” said Falvey. “If he’s still apprehensive, we’ll let him shoot the cannon at TC with whatever he wants: apples, staple guns, you name it. Don’t tell TC that.” _____________________________________________ Twins Daily is THRILLED to welcome Randball Stu as a weekly satirical contributor. Click here to view the article

"Why in the name of all things Holy did they send Miguel Sano to Chattanooga - AA?? Not only did Sano show his power, but he even stole a base! Sano did everything you could ask of him this spring, and he was rewarded by spending another season toiling in the minor leagues. What's the point of getting top prospects if you're not going to use them?! It's obvious that Terry Ryan has no idea what he's doing, and Paul Molitor is just another pawn in Ryan's game of saving the Pohlad's money. I thought things were going to change in 2015: New manager, new pitching, and a new spring training facility. Clearly I was wrong. The Old Boy's Club is alive and well in Twins Territory. Joe Mauer is going to fail to earn his contract for another season. Phil Hughes will pitch like Scott Baker because he has that huge contract. What does he have to work for anymore?! Mike Pelfrey will be the Twins 5th starter since the Twins wouldn't put him in the bullpen or AAA due to his contract. We're going to lose, and we're going to lose in a historically bad way. Kasota Gold is stupid. Changing 'Twins Territory' is stupid. Taking out the pine trees in centerfield was stupid. Everything the Twins do is stupid. The Twins suck, and I won't watch another game until they win the Series in 2037!" **Obligatory "THIS IS A SATIRICAL POST" reminder**