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Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019 Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40 Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39 Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little" Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh? Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer? Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast? Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan. Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over Eric Thames RF 33 - Steve Cishek RP 34 - Steven Pearce 1B 37 Jedd Gyorko 3B 31 Pedro Strop RP 35 Kevin Pillar CF 31 Collin McHugh RP 33 Tyson Ross SP 33 Robinson Chirinos C 36 Arodys Vizcaino RP 29 Juan Lagares CF 31 Travis Shaw 3B 30 Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28 Danny Salazar SP 30 Justin Smoak 1B 33 Hector Rondon RP 32 Wilmer Flores 2B 28 Will Harris RP 35 Steven Souza RF 31 Jon Jay RF 35 Matt Adams 1B 31 Jarrod Dyson CF 35 Jimmy Nelson RP 31 Brock Holt 2B 32 Brian Duensing RP 37 Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34 Addison Russell SS 26 Chad Bettis SP 31 Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36 Clay Buchholz SP 35 Wade LeBlanc RP 35 Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31 Shawn Kelley RP 36 Matt Duffy 3B 29 Nate Jones RP 34 Tony Cingrani RP 30 Hernan Perez 2B 29 David Phelps RP 33 Matt Albers RP 37 Justin Bour 1B 32 Matt Moore SP 31 Jose Iglesias SS 30 Martin Maldonado C 33 Jonny Venters RP 35 Craig Stammen RP 36 Jared Hughes RP 34 Edinson Volquez RP 36 Logan Forsythe 2B 33 Derek Dietrich 2B 30 Brian McCann C 36 Hunter Pence RF 37 Neil Walker 2B 34 Gio Gonzalez SP 34 Domingo Santana RF 27 Devon Travis 2B 29 J.C. Ramirez SP 31 Kazuhisa Makita RP Francisco Liriano RP 36 Devin Mesoraco C 32 Tim Beckham 3B 30 Curtis Granderson LF 39 Kyle Barraclough RP 30 Chris Rusin RP 33 Luis Garcia RP 33 John Axford RP 37 Luis Avilan RP 30 Brandon Guyer LF 34 Ryan Tepera RP 32 Daniel Hudson RP 33 Matt Wieters C 34 Tyler Clippard RP 35 Brandon Maurer RP 29 Jerry Blevins RP 36 Robbie Erlin RP 29 Cory Gearrin RP 34 Ryan Buchter RP 33 Aaron Loup RP 32 Steven Wright RP 35 Jeremy Hellickson RP 33 Dominic Leone RP 28 Dan Otero RP 35 Bryan Hoay C 32 Cory Spangenberg 2B 29 Greg Bird 1B 27 Melky Cabrera LF 35 Kevin Plawecki C 29 Caleb Joseph C 34 Josh Phegley C 32 Nicholas Tropeano SP 29 Jose Lobaton C 35 Gorkys Hernandez LF 32 Adam Rosales 2B 37 Ervin Santana SP 37 Logan Morrison DH 32 Erasmo Ramirez SP 30 Matt Joyce LF 35 Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31 Josh Tomlin RP 35 Ryan Goins 2B 32 Jerad Eickhoff SP 29 Bryan Mitchell RP 29 John Ryan Murphy C 29 Xavier Cedeno RP 33 Tyler Saino SS 30 Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27 Jesus Sucre C 32 Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30 Andres Blanco 3B 36 Tom Koehler RP 34 Josh Fields RP 34 Javy Guerra RP 34 Fernando Abad RP 34 Ronald Torreyes 2B 27 Guillermo Heredia CF 29 Tony Barnette RP 36 Gordon Beckham 2B 33 J.B. Shuck LF 33 Allen Webster SP 30 Michael Blazek RP 31 Cody Anderson SP 29 Josh Thole C 33 Pat Venditte RP 35 Ryon Healy 1B 28 Elias Diaz C 29 Matt Grace RP 31 Jose Pirela 2B 30 Dan Straily SP 31 Jesse Biddle RP 28 Edubray Ramos RP 27 Kevan Smith C 32 Trevor Hildenberger RP 29 Joey Rickard LF 29 Jacob Barnes RP 30 John Hicks C 30 Daniel Stumpf RP 29 Tyler Olson RP 30 J.T. Riddle SS 28 Aaron Brooks SP 30 D.J. Johnson RP 30 Jacob Nix SP 24 Ryan Burr RP 26 Rajai Davis CF 39 Carlos Gomez RF 34 Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway. Kohl Stewart RP 25 Tim Peterson RP 29 Felipe Paulino SP 36 Hector Santiago RP 32 Eric Sogard 2B 34 Mike Morin RP 29 Homer Bailey SP 34 Blake Parker RP 35 Brian Schlitter RP 34 Brooks Pounders RP 29 Danny Hultzen RP 30 Caleb Frare RP 26 Thyago Vieira RP 27 Ryan Feierabend SP 34 Derek Law RP 29 Jim Adduci CF 35 Jason Adam RP 28 Rob Brantly C 30 Wilkin Castillo C 36 Rico Garcia P 26 Isaac Galloway RF 30 Humberto Arteaga SS 26 Oscar Hernandez C 26 Erick Mejia 2B 25 Deven Marrero SS 29 Ian Gibaut RP 26 Peter O'Brien RF 29 Jace Peterson 3B 30 Yadiel Rivera 2B 28 David Hale RP 32 Tom Milone SP 33 Josh Smith RP 32 Drew Gagnon RP 30 Fernando Salas RP 35 Joe Hudson C 29 Francisco Cervelli C 34 Austin Adams P 33 Joe Panik 2B 29 Ross Detwiler RP 34 Aaron Slegers SP 27 Zac Rosscup RP 32 Chris Owings 2B 28 Robby Scott RP 30 Juan Minaya RP 29 Brad Miller 2B 30 Charlie Tilson CF 27 Mike Gerber OF 27 Kris Negron RF 34 Edwin Jackson SP 36 Tyler Lyons RP 32 Buddy hers RP 32 Jonathan Lucroy C 34 Tim Federowicz C 33 Sean Gilmartin RP 30 Cameron Maybin RF 33 Rookie Davis SP 27 Donnie Hart RP 29 Sean Rodriguez 2B 35 Ricardo Pinto RP 26 Gabriel Ynoa SP 27 Yonder Alonso 1B 33 David Carpenter RP 34 Tayler Scott SP 28 Ryan Eades P 28 Matt Kemp LF 35 Pablo Sandoval 3B 33 Bobby Wilson C 37 Rene Rivera C 36 Nick Vincent RP 33 Juan Centeno C 30 Ryan LaMarre LF 31 Gregor Blanco RF 36 Chris Stewart C 38 Marcos Mateo RP 36 Erik Kratz C 40 Tim Collins RP 30 Jeff Bianchi 2B 33 Rubby De La Rosa SP 31 Josh Edgin RP 33 Jemile Weeks 2B 33 Travis Snider RF 32 Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36 Mike Zagurski RP 37 Shane Robinson CF 35 Cliff Pennington SS 36 Alex Wilson RP 33 Danny Espinosa SS 33 Ricky Nolasco SP 37 Logan Kensing RP 37 Dylan Axelrod RP 34 Johnny Giavotella 2B 32 Duane Below RP 34 J.C. can C 40 Chris Withrow RP 31 Nick Franklin LF 29 Rafael Lopez C 32 George Kontos RP 35 Seth Maness RP 31 Alcides Escobar SS 33 Grant Green LF 32 Neftali Feliz RP 32 J.J. Hoover RP 32 Wilin Rosario 1B 31 Chris Hatcher RP 35 Dan Runzler RP 35 Collin Balester RP 34 Brandon Beachy SP 33 Brandon Hicks 2B 34 Henderson Alvarez SP 30 Juan Jaime RP 32 Alex Torres RP 32 Robbie Ross RP 31 Drew Hutchison SP 29 Zach McAllister RP 32 Cole Gillespie LF 36 Stolmy Pimentel RP 30 Michael Martinez 2B 37 Dioner Navarro C 36 Logan Ondrusek RP 35 Stephen Pryor RP 30 Fernando Rodriguez RP 36 Ezequiel Carrera LF 33 Wilkin Ramirez LF 34 Emilio Bonifacio CF 35 Mark Rogers RP 34 B.J. Rosenberg RP 34 Justin Sellers SS 34 Moises Sierra RF 31 Scott Van Slyke LF 33 Josh Zeid RP 33 Zach Putnam RP 32 Shelby Miller SP 29 David Lough RF 34 Brad Boxberger RP 32 Hector Sanchez C 30

They can't.

Slowly but surely, even the least observant among us will have noticed the precious minutes of daylight being added since the winter solstice, spreading good cheer to Druids everywhere. And with the countdown to pitchers and catchers reporting falling to a mere 23 days, our thoughts turn to baseball, opening day, the first game cancelled due to snow, the All-Star Game, the trade deadline, rosters expanding in September, the Arizona Fall League, the Wild Card game, the Divisional Series, the League Championship Series, the World Series, winter meetings, the hot stove league, and pitchers and catchers reporting in 2021. With such a plethora of events to keep us non-Druid baseball fans occupied, it's easy to overlook the complex machinations of who might start Game 3 of the 2021 American League Championship Series for your Minnesota Twins. But with the sun well shy of the 2020 vernal equinox, it's time to fire up our crystal balls and clear up the somewhat muddy waters of October 2021. Let's look at the candidates: Trevor Bauer - Fresh off a World Championship season with the Cincinnati Reds, Bauer looks every bit the part of a #1 starter, so why include him here? Well remember, we're talking about 2021, and you can be darn sure that we won't be skating to the divisional championship with as much ease as we did in 2019 and 2020. Playing the division down to the wire means our rotation isn't exactly lined up how we'd prefer. Still, having Bauer settle in as our #3 for the rotation is not so bad, huh friends? I sure don't think so, and that's why he's my first choice here. Robbie Ray - Sure, he hasn't pitched in a playoff game since 2017 and totally fell apart down the stretch for us in 2021, but when a guy has an alliterative name, you slot him in as the Third Thrower, amiright? Besides, he has an October birthday. He was practically born to pitch the third game in the series before next year's Fall Classic. James Paxton - Yes, I know he's 32 in 2021. Yes, I know it isn't likely he'll even be on the Twins. But when every body else is looking to the right? The wise move is to look left. That's why I could see him making a lot of sense here. Randy Dobnak - That mustache and glasses costume just doesn't get old. Still just 26 years old in 2021, Dobnak is ready to grab the spotlight and squeeze it in a way that normal people can't squeeze light. He's the kind of guy who seems ready-made to step into the folklore of Minnesota baseball. Are you ready for Legenddobnak? Johan Santana - Hey, I don't think it'll happen either, but we're talking about 2021 here. Anything can happen, including Johan coming out of retirement with a brand new arm and the same ol' circle change. Would you want to face a brand-new-armed-Johan in Game 3 of the 2021 American League Championship Series? I didn't think so. Now it's your turn to get real about the playoffs of next season. Who do you think should start Game 3 of the 2021 American League Championship Series for the Twins?

It’s that time of the year when everyone offers up their opinions on how they’d improve the Twins if they owned the team. Just like everyone else (including George Steinbrenner in real life), I’m going to ignore that the role of owner is distinct from the roles general manager and manager. Here is goes. If I owned the Twins… If I owned the Twins I would make Target Field the first carbon neutral ballpark in the country. The grounds crew would use push mowers, the concessions would run on wind powered from Twins’ bats whiffing, and the lights would be powered with solar panels on the empty seats. I would also buy carbon offsets to power Brian Dozier’s hairdryer. If I owned the Twins I would fine anyone who bunts. I would fire any manager who orders a bunt. If the Twins get to a World Series, I would not use bunting to decorate Target Field. I just might trade away Bryon Buxton because his last name is an anagram for “Bunt XO” – which sounds to me like someone who loves to bunt. If I owned the Twins I would clone Joe Mauer. Everyone always says they’d improve their team by cloning their best player. Well, I’ve been watching that Canadian show Orphan Black on Netflix so I think I know how I can get it done. I’d hire someone who knows something about genetic sequencing but I’d get to pick the types of Joe’s we’d clone. It’d be just like the show except on a baseball field: a street-smart Brit Joe in left field, a smart scientist Joe at catcher, and a psychotic Ukranian Joe as closer. I wouldn’t need to make a suburban soccer mom Joe Mauer, because we kind of already have that with the Real Joe Mauer. If I owned the Twins, to attract a more diverse fan base I would redesign one of those two big white guys in the center field neon sign. I’d make over one of them (probably Minnie) from the big lug that he is to some sort of big ambiguous multi-ethnic amalgam of a lug. If I owned the Twins I would hire Johan Hill as manager. In Moneyball he showed he had a brilliant baseball mind, in The Wolf of Wall Street he showed be could be a loyal member of a management team, and in SuperBad he showed he could draw real funny um... drawings. Those lineup cards would be something. If I owned the Twins I would sign Paul Westerberg, Tommy Stinson and whoever else they have playing with them these days just to test out a theory – that every major league baseball player, from Mike Trout to Chris Herrmann, would have a Wins Above Replacements of 162. (Though if I could play Bob Stinson in his prime, Chris Herrmann’s WARs would drop to around 155, I figure – though it’s hard to judge players of different eras.) If I owned the Twins I would cut salary to league minimum and put the savings into a Swiss bank account. My money would be two vaults over from the money Carl Pohlad stashed there from 1994 to 2001. If I owned the Twins I would use advanced statistics like xFIP and Swing Percentage to rate all the free agent pitchers in the major leagues. Then I would realize I couldn’t afford any of the pitchers at the top of my ranking because all the other teams use those advanced stats too. Then I’d sign Kevin Corriea. I’d be able to sleep at night, because I tried.