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Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019 Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40 Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39 Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little" Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh? Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer? Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast? Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan. Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over Eric Thames RF 33 - Steve Cishek RP 34 - Steven Pearce 1B 37 Jedd Gyorko 3B 31 Pedro Strop RP 35 Kevin Pillar CF 31 Collin McHugh RP 33 Tyson Ross SP 33 Robinson Chirinos C 36 Arodys Vizcaino RP 29 Juan Lagares CF 31 Travis Shaw 3B 30 Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28 Danny Salazar SP 30 Justin Smoak 1B 33 Hector Rondon RP 32 Wilmer Flores 2B 28 Will Harris RP 35 Steven Souza RF 31 Jon Jay RF 35 Matt Adams 1B 31 Jarrod Dyson CF 35 Jimmy Nelson RP 31 Brock Holt 2B 32 Brian Duensing RP 37 Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34 Addison Russell SS 26 Chad Bettis SP 31 Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36 Clay Buchholz SP 35 Wade LeBlanc RP 35 Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31 Shawn Kelley RP 36 Matt Duffy 3B 29 Nate Jones RP 34 Tony Cingrani RP 30 Hernan Perez 2B 29 David Phelps RP 33 Matt Albers RP 37 Justin Bour 1B 32 Matt Moore SP 31 Jose Iglesias SS 30 Martin Maldonado C 33 Jonny Venters RP 35 Craig Stammen RP 36 Jared Hughes RP 34 Edinson Volquez RP 36 Logan Forsythe 2B 33 Derek Dietrich 2B 30 Brian McCann C 36 Hunter Pence RF 37 Neil Walker 2B 34 Gio Gonzalez SP 34 Domingo Santana RF 27 Devon Travis 2B 29 J.C. Ramirez SP 31 Kazuhisa Makita RP Francisco Liriano RP 36 Devin Mesoraco C 32 Tim Beckham 3B 30 Curtis Granderson LF 39 Kyle Barraclough RP 30 Chris Rusin RP 33 Luis Garcia RP 33 John Axford RP 37 Luis Avilan RP 30 Brandon Guyer LF 34 Ryan Tepera RP 32 Daniel Hudson RP 33 Matt Wieters C 34 Tyler Clippard RP 35 Brandon Maurer RP 29 Jerry Blevins RP 36 Robbie Erlin RP 29 Cory Gearrin RP 34 Ryan Buchter RP 33 Aaron Loup RP 32 Steven Wright RP 35 Jeremy Hellickson RP 33 Dominic Leone RP 28 Dan Otero RP 35 Bryan Hoay C 32 Cory Spangenberg 2B 29 Greg Bird 1B 27 Melky Cabrera LF 35 Kevin Plawecki C 29 Caleb Joseph C 34 Josh Phegley C 32 Nicholas Tropeano SP 29 Jose Lobaton C 35 Gorkys Hernandez LF 32 Adam Rosales 2B 37 Ervin Santana SP 37 Logan Morrison DH 32 Erasmo Ramirez SP 30 Matt Joyce LF 35 Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31 Josh Tomlin RP 35 Ryan Goins 2B 32 Jerad Eickhoff SP 29 Bryan Mitchell RP 29 John Ryan Murphy C 29 Xavier Cedeno RP 33 Tyler Saino SS 30 Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27 Jesus Sucre C 32 Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30 Andres Blanco 3B 36 Tom Koehler RP 34 Josh Fields RP 34 Javy Guerra RP 34 Fernando Abad RP 34 Ronald Torreyes 2B 27 Guillermo Heredia CF 29 Tony Barnette RP 36 Gordon Beckham 2B 33 J.B. Shuck LF 33 Allen Webster SP 30 Michael Blazek RP 31 Cody Anderson SP 29 Josh Thole C 33 Pat Venditte RP 35 Ryon Healy 1B 28 Elias Diaz C 29 Matt Grace RP 31 Jose Pirela 2B 30 Dan Straily SP 31 Jesse Biddle RP 28 Edubray Ramos RP 27 Kevan Smith C 32 Trevor Hildenberger RP 29 Joey Rickard LF 29 Jacob Barnes RP 30 John Hicks C 30 Daniel Stumpf RP 29 Tyler Olson RP 30 J.T. Riddle SS 28 Aaron Brooks SP 30 D.J. Johnson RP 30 Jacob Nix SP 24 Ryan Burr RP 26 Rajai Davis CF 39 Carlos Gomez RF 34 Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway. Kohl Stewart RP 25 Tim Peterson RP 29 Felipe Paulino SP 36 Hector Santiago RP 32 Eric Sogard 2B 34 Mike Morin RP 29 Homer Bailey SP 34 Blake Parker RP 35 Brian Schlitter RP 34 Brooks Pounders RP 29 Danny Hultzen RP 30 Caleb Frare RP 26 Thyago Vieira RP 27 Ryan Feierabend SP 34 Derek Law RP 29 Jim Adduci CF 35 Jason Adam RP 28 Rob Brantly C 30 Wilkin Castillo C 36 Rico Garcia P 26 Isaac Galloway RF 30 Humberto Arteaga SS 26 Oscar Hernandez C 26 Erick Mejia 2B 25 Deven Marrero SS 29 Ian Gibaut RP 26 Peter O'Brien RF 29 Jace Peterson 3B 30 Yadiel Rivera 2B 28 David Hale RP 32 Tom Milone SP 33 Josh Smith RP 32 Drew Gagnon RP 30 Fernando Salas RP 35 Joe Hudson C 29 Francisco Cervelli C 34 Austin Adams P 33 Joe Panik 2B 29 Ross Detwiler RP 34 Aaron Slegers SP 27 Zac Rosscup RP 32 Chris Owings 2B 28 Robby Scott RP 30 Juan Minaya RP 29 Brad Miller 2B 30 Charlie Tilson CF 27 Mike Gerber OF 27 Kris Negron RF 34 Edwin Jackson SP 36 Tyler Lyons RP 32 Buddy hers RP 32 Jonathan Lucroy C 34 Tim Federowicz C 33 Sean Gilmartin RP 30 Cameron Maybin RF 33 Rookie Davis SP 27 Donnie Hart RP 29 Sean Rodriguez 2B 35 Ricardo Pinto RP 26 Gabriel Ynoa SP 27 Yonder Alonso 1B 33 David Carpenter RP 34 Tayler Scott SP 28 Ryan Eades P 28 Matt Kemp LF 35 Pablo Sandoval 3B 33 Bobby Wilson C 37 Rene Rivera C 36 Nick Vincent RP 33 Juan Centeno C 30 Ryan LaMarre LF 31 Gregor Blanco RF 36 Chris Stewart C 38 Marcos Mateo RP 36 Erik Kratz C 40 Tim Collins RP 30 Jeff Bianchi 2B 33 Rubby De La Rosa SP 31 Josh Edgin RP 33 Jemile Weeks 2B 33 Travis Snider RF 32 Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36 Mike Zagurski RP 37 Shane Robinson CF 35 Cliff Pennington SS 36 Alex Wilson RP 33 Danny Espinosa SS 33 Ricky Nolasco SP 37 Logan Kensing RP 37 Dylan Axelrod RP 34 Johnny Giavotella 2B 32 Duane Below RP 34 J.C. can C 40 Chris Withrow RP 31 Nick Franklin LF 29 Rafael Lopez C 32 George Kontos RP 35 Seth Maness RP 31 Alcides Escobar SS 33 Grant Green LF 32 Neftali Feliz RP 32 J.J. Hoover RP 32 Wilin Rosario 1B 31 Chris Hatcher RP 35 Dan Runzler RP 35 Collin Balester RP 34 Brandon Beachy SP 33 Brandon Hicks 2B 34 Henderson Alvarez SP 30 Juan Jaime RP 32 Alex Torres RP 32 Robbie Ross RP 31 Drew Hutchison SP 29 Zach McAllister RP 32 Cole Gillespie LF 36 Stolmy Pimentel RP 30 Michael Martinez 2B 37 Dioner Navarro C 36 Logan Ondrusek RP 35 Stephen Pryor RP 30 Fernando Rodriguez RP 36 Ezequiel Carrera LF 33 Wilkin Ramirez LF 34 Emilio Bonifacio CF 35 Mark Rogers RP 34 B.J. Rosenberg RP 34 Justin Sellers SS 34 Moises Sierra RF 31 Scott Van Slyke LF 33 Josh Zeid RP 33 Zach Putnam RP 32 Shelby Miller SP 29 David Lough RF 34 Brad Boxberger RP 32 Hector Sanchez C 30

They can't.