James

The early talk of Minnesota Twins spring training is not the return of Kenta Maeda or the leg of Carlos Correa, but rather the blistering start from Edouard Julien. The infield prospect put a bow on the chatter by belting two home runs against Atlanta in Tuesday’s 10-7 pretend game victory.
Jason Kornhaber is already mad about it.
“Edmond [sic] is a monster talent,” said Kornhaber, who found out about Julien’s existence on Friday, February 24th, when two-time Jeopardy! also-ran Do-Hyoung Park interviewed him for MLB.com. “It’s unconscionable that this team would hold him back. Are they playing to win or playing with Edwin [sic] ’s service time?”
Julien, an 18th-round pick out of Auburn in 2019, led the minor leagues with 208 walks over the last two seasons. This is just one of the recently acquired facts that Kornhaber has marshaled in Julien’s defense despite not knowing his entire name yet.
“Juilliard [sic] is a generational talent, and the Twins are throwing it away,” said the Farmington beekeeper. Per sources close to Kornhaber, he has also said this about Kohl Stewart, Alex Burnett, Michael Restovich, Deolis Guerra, Anthony Slama, and Matt Moses. In addition, a former roommate said Kornhaber vowed to get a tattoo of MTV’s Dan Cortese on his thigh if J.D. Durbin didn’t record a 20-win season. Durbin finished his MLB career with six total wins. Kornhaber denied the story.
“He’s going to lead Team Canada to a World Baseball Classic title and come back to Fort Myers with a ticket to (home of Twins Triple-A affiliate) St. Paul,” claimed Kornhaber, who discovered Julien’s nationality on Monday.
The Twins have made no indication on their plans for Julien in 2023, but Kornhaber’s anger is already at a fever pitch not seen since his misguided advocacy for Joe Webb as the Minnesota Vikings quarterback of the future.
“I can’t believe they’re doing this to Erwin [sic],” said Kornhaber.

The shocking return of Carlos Correa and the circumstances surrounding it are THE topic of conversation in Twins Territory. Except for one irritating man.
“Maybe it’s just me, but I guess I want to see how A.J. Alexy fits in to the team’s bullpen plans for 2023,” said Xander Greene, a 29-year-old systems analyst from Minneapolis. “It’s a pretty obscure transaction, you probably haven’t heard of it.”
The Twins acquired Alexy, 24, from the Nationals in exchange for fellow righthander Christian Jimenez, mere hours before the Correa bombshell. And it’s all Greene wants to talk about.
“I mean, everyone wants to talk about Correa’s leg and how his contract is structured,” sneered Greene, who will tell you he doesn’t own a television even if you don’t ask. “I guess I’m just built different. The bullpen is pretty important and the Twins had a bad one last year.”
Greene, who brings a typewriter to the coffee shop because apparently that’s a thing, says he’s barely read about the Correa signing.
“Is it a long-term deal,” asked the grown man with a pocket watch. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t regret not having a smartphone, but I can see its utility for queries like this.
“What I can tell you is that Alexy’s control problems are probably why the Twins were able to get him for an 18-year-old (Jimenez) who still plays in the Dominican Republic. The risk was worth taking if the team can fix him, he has the stuff to be in the discussion for high-leverage work. But nobody wants to talk about that, they just want to talk about the same old, same old.”
While putting a new cassette in his Walkman, Greene had one more thing to add.
“Did anyone know they DFA’d Kyle Garlick on Wednesday? I could talk for 25 minutes about how he destroys left-handed pitching and would be a great fit in, say, Toronto. But I guess everyone wants to talk about the new old shortstop. That’s fine. It’s fine.”
Greene got on his unicycle and pedaled away.
 

I take the Green Line to work every day between the Twin Cities. Light rail gets a bad rap from guys in Elk River who think cowering in fear of Minneapolis is something to brag about, but it’s 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, and I can listen to podcasts about war or baseball.
Recently, while waiting for my train at the Prospect Park station, something caught my eye. Was it a food wrapper? No. An empty tallboy? No. It was a by god $10 bill. I picked it up, put it in my pocket, and tried to think of something I could do with it. As tempting as a fistful of Beef-and-Chedds from Arby’s is, this is found money. I do OK, it should go to a good cause.
In the end, there was only one right answer.
Carlos Correa , if you return to the Minnesota Twins, I will give you ten American dollars.
Now, I’m aware that your asking price is quite a bit steeper. I’ve read the interviews with Scott Boras and the copious hot stove analyses that say Minnesota is in play, but still an unlikely destination for your long-term services.
One thing I’ve also noticed: not a single GD one of them mentions paper money. This $10 bill I found? Cold hard cash. By the time you get to the end of this sentence, it’ll be worth more than every crypto scam and Twitter combined. And I’m telling you right now: You can have it. Just sign with the Twins.
I’ve watched enough bad shortstops over the years to know that your services are needed, especially with Royce Lewis’ health in question. The Boy Geniuses clearly agree and have already put together a competitive offer for your services. I’m putting $10 on top of what they’re already prepared to give you. Talk to Boras. Mull it over with your family. Take some time. I think you’ll agree this offer is fair, sound, and selfless.
I thank you for your consideration. (We can do the handoff at Arby's, too. First Beef-and-Chedd? On me.)
Regards,
Stu

The owners of Major League Baseball locked out the players just after midnight on Thursday morning, ensuring baseball’s first work stoppage in over a quarter century. And Shad Browne knows who to blame.
“These players are greedy and entitled, I’m sick of ‘em,” said the Fairmont landscaper. “They get paid money to play a game and sometimes you’ve gotta take a stand.”
The owners, wealthier than the players by a monstrous degree and living lives of unimaginable luxury, do not receive the same level of disdain from Browne.
“Lotta these owners are entrepreneurs who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps to make their money,” said Browne incorrectly. “Meanwhile, the modern player just takes a day off when they feel like it. The way I see it, you don’t play, you don’t get paid.”
Browne, who took PTO last Monday because the Vikings lost and he was “super hungover,” said he sees a lot of himself in owners, despite this being remarkably untrue.
“They’re just trying to run a business same as anyone else,” he said with the steady resolve that only the deeply ignorant possess. “I guess I’d just like to see a little more gratitude and a little less attitude from the millennial generation.”
Browne, who used the word “meritocracy” in reference to a country where you don’t have to work a day in your life if your great-granddad sold mustard gas to Kaiser Wilhelm, dismissed the notion that the owners should take some of the blame for instigating the lockout they instigated.
“At the end of the day, they’ve got a business to run,” said Browne, for whom the concept of generational wealth has never so much as registered for one second of one day. “If the players can’t handle that, they can get a job just like anyone else.
“It’s just not right,” said the cornfed rube.

The prospect of a Major League Baseball lockout is growing by the day. While impacts on free agency and the 2022 season are only speculative at this point, some segments of the economy are already facing the consequences of a potential work stoppage head-on.
“The male beat writers aren’t buying their new Spring Training shirts,” said a source close to the Minnesota chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America. “Can’t justify the expense if there won’t be a spring training.”
Replacing the previous year’s shirts, often marred by sweat, spilled coffee, missing buttons, and stains from a staggering variety of dipping sauces, is a hallowed tradition for writers both old and new.
Right now, this tradition is riding the pine.
“The whole market, be it staid Target golf polos or hideous button downs from brands with names like Panama Beachcomber, is in shambles,” said Steve Mediate, a consumer goods analyst for Forbes. “Clearly, they’re holding off until there’s more clarity from MLB and the players union.”
Mediate is concerned that, even if an agreement is reached and a lockout avoided, it’ll be too late for the journalists to acquire their repulsive garments.
“There’s a textile factory in Vietnam that specializes in the more garish designs certain baseball writers favor,” said Mediate. “They’ve been shuttered for a month. If he wants a shirt that looks like an educational film about farm accidents, they’re not even making them right now. His best bet for a button down designed by someone who hates the gift of sight and the concept of beauty is a vintage store or Goodwill.”
Mediate confirmed that similar impacts are being felt in sectors like sandals and dumb-looking hats.
“There are warehouses full of hats that keep the sun off your neck and also make you look like a real chump, a cosmic dorkwad who frankly should be bullied,” said Mediate. “They’re gathering dust and not going anywhere. It’s a mess.”
Image license for photo of grotesque shirts here.

The Minnesota Vikings. They looked incredible in one game and lost the other three games in unique and frustrating ways. It’s the platonic ideal of four Vikings games and there’s no reason to think it won’t continue.
  The Minnesota Timberwolves. They have a talented young core and are surrounded by front office chaos. They’ve been around for 30 years and been good for about two of them. A safer bet is hard to find.
  The Minnesota Wild. The most playoff-ready team in town. In March, that title was held by the Minnesota Twins. It’s not a crown you want to wear.
  The MLB Postseason. So many enemies of the common good, so few teams to pull for. If you have any friends rooting for the White Sox because they’re from the AL Central, you know they’ve never really been your friend and will try to get you to invest in their MLM someday soon. And yet, you can’t root for the vile, cheating Astros either. No thanks to Atlanta or Boston or LA. The best-case World Series scenario is probably Rays/Giants? Grim. Maybe you can talk yourself into the Brewers, just for having a Wisconsin fan base less insufferable than Green Bay’s? That’s between you and your God.  
  The weather. It’s either going to be too warm to snow and everything is grey and brown, or too cold to enjoy. The worst storm of the season will be on the day you have to drive or fly somewhere. Thankfully, this will only last for 5-7 months. Also the sun is already setting as you read this.
  University of Minnesota athletics. Football team lost to Bowling Green. Men’s basketball team is picked to finish 14th out of 14 teams. They killed the track program. Lindsay Whalen can only do so much.
  New music from your favorite band or singer. It’ll probably be super slow, overly experimental, or have too many horns. This always happens and we don’t talk about it enough.
  The global supply chain. If you’re reading this and haven’t ordered your holiday gifts yet, it’s too late. If you’re reading this and have ordered your holiday gifts, it’s still too late.
  Cutting the cord. Add up the cost of your streaming services. Compare it to your old cable/satellite bill. Remember that none of them carry the Twins or NewsRadio seasons 1-4. Scream into a pillow.
  Minnesota United. They’re fighting for a playoff spot. The supporter groups want to fire the coach. They’ll probably get eliminated on an own goal or forfeit because they’re too injured to field an entire team.
  Free Agency. Remember how hopeful you were when the Twins made those veteran signings last year? Remember how sad you were all summer? Yeah.
  Uncle Gene. Dammit, Gene. 

When Milwaukee’s ace setup man Devin Williams fractured his pitching hand after celebrating the team’s playoff clinching victory, reactions were pretty much uniform: that’s some real bad luck for the Brewers and/or worse decision making by Williams. For one shortstop, it only led to more questions.
“What is Anthony Fauci hiding,” asked Andrelton Simmons of the Minnesota Twins, referencing the doctor who leads the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. “He hasn’t said a word about this. His silence says more than any public statement.”
Simmons, a public vaccine skeptic, had harsh words for those who believed the accounts of Williams, the Brewers, media outlets, the Commissioner’s office, and objective reality.
“The Brewers are a legitimate title contender and you people actually believe that one of their best players, after they lock up a playoff berth, would punch a wall with his pitching hand,” said Simmons. “I’m literally laughing out loud. Sure he did, sheeple. Sure he did.”
When pressed on what he thinks really happened, Simmons looked to the past.
“The Brewers were already 85% vaccinated in May, and now one of their best players has a broken hand,” said Simmons. “Not one Brewer pitcher broke his pitching hand before last year’s playoffs. You know what else didn’t happen before last year’s playoffs? Vaccinations. Connect the dots, my friend.”
Simmons also claimed that while there’s no proof that the FDA trapped former Twin Marty Cordova in a tanning bed and caused him to miss multiple day games, “they’ve never denied it, either. Funny how that works.”