Pardon My Dinger

-SHTICKBALL-


 
Yesterday afternoon at a major league baseball game, Cody Goldstein, 26, had to endure the pain and subsequent later consequences of eating an entire baseball helmet full of tortilla chips, liquid cheese jalapenos, and a meat-like substance. This unfortunate turn of events came about when Cody’s girlfriend, Amber, only ate approximately three chips, thus fulfilling her craving for the salty snack.
 
“That was rough, polishing that whole thing off, but I was able to power through it.” Goldstein said in a postgame interview “The problem is, I think the worst is yet to come, if you catch my drift.”
 
It’s unclear at this time how much Cody actually wanted said nachos, but it has been confirmed that the idea of purchasing nachos was Amber’s idea. The decision to upgrade for the typical flimsy tray of nachos to a full batting helmet was likely Cody’s, but that has yet to be confirmed as well.
 
It’s been speculated that Cody’s decision to top the oversized portion of food with traditional jalapenos may have been a factor in Amber’s reluctance to eat her share, as she’s been quoted as calling them “Too spicy” and also mentioned that she was “not a fan” of them during previous food ordering experiences.
 
Eyewitnesses have said that Amber seemed at least mildly disgusted at the amount of food that Cody consumed, but also that she seemed very content with the small portion that she had. It’s been said by a few that this situation shouldn’t affect their relationship in any negative way, but that remains to be seen. Cody reportedly told Amber that “You do this all the time” when finding out that she wouldn’t be eating anymore of the helmet nachos, but it appears to be only a minor nuisance, like how Cody takes off his shirt when drinking heavily.
 
Regardless of the situation, it appears Goldstein is no worse for the wear after such a herculean consumption of the massive third rate appetizer, and it’s likely that this hasn’t ruined his willingness to eat nachos in the future. While he’s likely told himself that he’s not going to be influences by Amber’s whimsy like this again, it’s likely it’ll happen again upon their next trip to that place with the buffalo wings that Amber thinks she likes, but they really aren’t that good. It seems as though Cody is up to the task for just about any kind of gluttony, regardless of the food.

-SHTICKBALL-



~ A Satirical Story ~


 
Spring Training is almost upon us, and teams are invigorating their already football-deprived fanbases with images and videos of their team trucks loading up and heading for warmer climates to start the baseball season, and with that they’re packing up everything the team needs.
 
For the Minnesota Twins, one stowaway on the move truck was welcome, but also perplexing at the same time. Hall of Fame pitcher Bert Blyleven was spotted stumbling out of the Twin’s move truck upon its arrival in Fort Myers, Florida, apparently having spent the entire journey packed up along with pitching machines, batting helmets and Joe Mauer’s ‘napping chair’.
 
“I don’t know how he got in there, and if I remember right, he already lives in Florida, which just raises further questions.” An unpaid intern of the Twins was quoted while unloading on the trucks. “I mean, I know he’s a little weird, but I don’t even know how he survived the trip. Probably snacked off leftovers from inside the T.C. Bear costumes.”
 
Blyleven could be seen roaming the Hammond Stadium complex throughout the day, muttering phrases like “Pitch to contact” and “…at the major league level.” Occasionally he would shout something about complete games but apparently did not harm anyone during the unpacking.
 
“Yeah, I don’t know what he was doing in there, maybe he found some good yayo in there or something.” Twins Manager Paul Molitor said with a hearty laugh. “I mean, I know I would, you know what nevermind, I hope Bert is alright, he’s a great guy.”
 
Blyleven has no history of any kind of diagnosis of a mental illness or dementia, but has been known throughout his career as a player and a broadcaster as being an odd duck at times, and this incident just furthers the stigma. It’s been theorized Blyleven may have been looking for his beloved telestrator to circle fans with at the time of the truck’s departure, but the situation is unclear.
 
At this time, Blyleven is being checked out by the Twins training staff, but will likely be told that he just needs to “rub some dirt on that dizziness” or “keep pitching through the pain”. Blyleven’s immediate future with the team as a color commentator is not in jeopardy at this time, but several fans are signing an online petition to encourage him to rest and get better, as long as it takes, even if it takes until roughly late September.