Ben Remington

-SHTICKBALL- Yesterday afternoon at a major league baseball game, Cody Goldstein, 26, had to endure the pain and subsequent later consequences of eating an entire baseball helmet full of tortilla chips, liquid cheese jalapenos, and a meat-like substance. This unfortunate turn of events came about when Cody’s girlfriend, Amber, only ate approximately three chips, thus fulfilling her craving for the salty snack. “That was rough, polishing that whole thing off, but I was able to power through it.” Goldstein said in a postgame interview “The problem is, I think the worst is yet to come, if you catch my drift.” It’s unclear at this time how much Cody actually wanted said nachos, but it has been confirmed that the idea of purchasing nachos was Amber’s idea. The decision to upgrade for the typical flimsy tray of nachos to a full batting helmet was likely Cody’s, but that has yet to be confirmed as well. It’s been speculated that Cody’s decision to top the oversized portion of food with traditional jalapenos may have been a factor in Amber’s reluctance to eat her share, as she’s been quoted as calling them “Too spicy” and also mentioned that she was “not a fan” of them during previous food ordering experiences. Eyewitnesses have said that Amber seemed at least mildly disgusted at the amount of food that Cody consumed, but also that she seemed very content with the small portion that she had. It’s been said by a few that this situation shouldn’t affect their relationship in any negative way, but that remains to be seen. Cody reportedly told Amber that “You do this all the time” when finding out that she wouldn’t be eating anymore of the helmet nachos, but it appears to be only a minor nuisance, like how Cody takes off his shirt when drinking heavily. Regardless of the situation, it appears Goldstein is no worse for the wear after such a herculean consumption of the massive third rate appetizer, and it’s likely that this hasn’t ruined his willingness to eat nachos in the future. While he’s likely told himself that he’s not going to be influences by Amber’s whimsy like this again, it’s likely it’ll happen again upon their next trip to that place with the buffalo wings that Amber thinks she likes, but they really aren’t that good. It seems as though Cody is up to the task for just about any kind of gluttony, regardless of the food.

-Shtickball- An Euphus Pitch of Truth Minnesota Twins First Baseman is in the later years of his career, and says he's finally finding some of the finer things in life as a well paid veteran. "You grow up, you get old, and you find things that you really enjoy." Mauer said after finally showing up to Spring Training "I've had a blast watching my kids grow up, I've had a good time trimming my lawn with scissors, and now I've started smoking cigars lit with hundred dollar bills, and let me tell you, it's just fantastic." Mauer said that he wasn't into cigars in his twenties, believing that they were "yucky", but now that he's 32 and is able to finally afford some of the finer things in life, he came across cigar smoking and found that it was even better when he lit the cigar with a spare hundred. "I was watching the Simpsons, and I saw Krusty the Klown do it, and I was like, hey, that guy had a bunch of extra money laying around like I do, and he's doing that, I should give it a try, it looks like fun." Mauer added, chuckling at the thought of the pasty cartooned celebrity. "It's been extra fun lighting them in front of all the minor league guys at camp this spring. Their faces when they see that hundred just go to waste is priceless. They must think it's so funny they're speechless." Mauer has been known as a quiet type, and not the flashy and flamboyant type that you would typically see lighting cigars with hundreds, but perhaps this is a new Joe Mauer. Mauer says he feels more comfortable in his place in the world as a super rich baseball player, and it's led to more confidence for him to do things he would've consider silly in his younger years. Some of his teammates were perturbed by the news, but ultimately didn't have anything bad to say about the former AL MVP. "I mean, he's got more money than God, why would he not do that?" One Twins player said, choosing to remain anonymous. "It's weird seeing him do something like this, like he's a kid who just discovered breaking the rules or something, but hey, he's happy as hell, so whatever." Mauer said he hasn't really thought about other new hobbies yet, but he's hoping that he might come across some more fun things like this in the future. It's also been said that he's considering getting an Instagram account just so he can follow Dan Bilzerian at the recommendation of a teammate, but he hasn't gotten around to downloading any apps on his phone in the three years he's had it. This very well could be a new Joe Mauer though, a cigar smoking rebel without a cause, and who knows where it could go from here.

-SHTICKBALL- (bad satire) Major League Baseball’s Spring Training has commenced, and most players have worked diligently all offseason to keep their premier physiques in shape. Not all players have, however. During heavily clichéd interviews with reporters, many players like to tell everyone who will listen about how hard they have worked, and how they’re in the best shape of their life, which for basically every player over 30, is about as ridiculous as it sounds. But this player wasn’t in that crowd, and seemed almost unapologetic, citing that he had a ‘nice, relaxing winter’ and that he was ‘ready to work now.’ While the popularity of players like Bartolo Colon have made being a thick bodied ballplayer en vogue, it still raises concerns of how well one could make it through the grind of a long baseball season after living off a steady diet of cheeseburgers and snack foods from October through January. “I don’t know, I kind of like it, he looks like a giant tub of crap.” One observer was saying watching grown men do fundamental drills without a shred of enthusiasm. “He reminds me of myself, he’s got a few extra pounds, but he can still get the job done, know what I’m saying?” While fans can certainly relate to adding a few pounds over the holidays, it’s interesting to see it out of a millionaire professional athlete, and perhaps a little inspiring for some. It speaks to the popularity of reality television, seeing celebrities that behave so similarly to normal people, and finding that common ground can certainly do a long ways in endearing you to your fans. Also, the players recent endorsement deal with a local BBQ chain probably has bridged the gap as well. Sources close to the player say that while he didn’t intentionally put on any weight for the upcoming season, this player is hopeful that his newfound heft will garner him a catchy, merchandise friendly nickname, like ‘Big Sexy’ or ‘Kung Fu Panda’ or another oxymoronic nickname that involves sarcasm or an animal known for its laziness and obesity. While positive outcomes to his offseason eating habits remain to be seen, it should prove to be an interesting case study into the physicality of baseball, and whether or not their players should actually be considered athletes.

-SHTICKBALL- ~ A Satirical Story ~ Spring Training is almost upon us, and teams are invigorating their already football-deprived fanbases with images and videos of their team trucks loading up and heading for warmer climates to start the baseball season, and with that they’re packing up everything the team needs. For the Minnesota Twins, one stowaway on the move truck was welcome, but also perplexing at the same time. Hall of Fame pitcher Bert Blyleven was spotted stumbling out of the Twin’s move truck upon its arrival in Fort Myers, Florida, apparently having spent the entire journey packed up along with pitching machines, batting helmets and Joe Mauer’s ‘napping chair’. “I don’t know how he got in there, and if I remember right, he already lives in Florida, which just raises further questions.” An unpaid intern of the Twins was quoted while unloading on the trucks. “I mean, I know he’s a little weird, but I don’t even know how he survived the trip. Probably snacked off leftovers from inside the T.C. Bear costumes.” Blyleven could be seen roaming the Hammond Stadium complex throughout the day, muttering phrases like “Pitch to contact” and “…at the major league level.” Occasionally he would shout something about complete games but apparently did not harm anyone during the unpacking. “Yeah, I don’t know what he was doing in there, maybe he found some good yayo in there or something.” Twins Manager Paul Molitor said with a hearty laugh. “I mean, I know I would, you know what nevermind, I hope Bert is alright, he’s a great guy.” Blyleven has no history of any kind of diagnosis of a mental illness or dementia, but has been known throughout his career as a player and a broadcaster as being an odd duck at times, and this incident just furthers the stigma. It’s been theorized Blyleven may have been looking for his beloved telestrator to circle fans with at the time of the truck’s departure, but the situation is unclear. At this time, Blyleven is being checked out by the Twins training staff, but will likely be told that he just needs to “rub some dirt on that dizziness” or “keep pitching through the pain”. Blyleven’s immediate future with the team as a color commentator is not in jeopardy at this time, but several fans are signing an online petition to encourage him to rest and get better, as long as it takes, even if it takes until roughly late September.

-SHTICKBALL- Baseball prospects are by nature full of hope and promise, but for some prospects, that hope and promise takes on a completely different meaning. “You just watch, you’re going to see me, on ESPN, talking about being held at gunpoint someday.” Baseball Prospect Juan Jose Carlos said. “I’m going to take this game by storm, I’m going to play in the All Star Game, then, I’m going to get all of jewelry taken as soon as I go home.” The path to the Major Leagues is a long and tough journey, and for those fortunate enough to put together the talent, opportunity and just the right amount of undetectable performance enhancing drugs, riches beyond their wildest dreams await them. Unfortunately for those very same players, countrymen low on morals and high on desperation await them as well. It’s a reality for many baseball players from Latin American countries, walking down the street in their hometowns without a small army of armed security is more dangerous than any roadtrip to the Bronx or Baltimore, and almost as dangerous as the South Side of Chicago. These nations are so impoverished that robbing homegrown talent is as commonplace as wearing flip flop sandals. Juan Jose Carlos said he wasn’t sure how he would be robbed, knowing his hometown, saying it’s equally likely that he’s robbed at gunpoint, or just briefly kidnapped long enough to lose all of his valuables. He also said he didn’t believe that he would be extorted by anyone close to him, but was excited at the prospect of it, and interested to find out who it would be, guessing that it could be his uncle or best friend from grade school. “It’s really exciting, you know?” Juan Jose Carlos said. “I mean, I could be that good someday. Talented enough to be dragged from my car, or idolized enough to have my wife’s life threatened if we dare walk down the street after dark. I really look forward to that level of fame if this whole baseball thing works out.” He also added that he’s still not going to carry any kind of weapon for defensive purposes, given the wacky history of Latin American ballplayers killing people and ending their own careers. In the end, Juan Jose Carlos said even though his expectations for fortune are dark in some people’s eyes, he’s just glad that he didn’t get skimmed by the major league scout that signed him, because that likely would have cost him much more money than just losing his Rolex and wedding ring sometime around a future Christmas visit. Whatever else comes his way, he’s ready and looking forward to his future filled with baseball, money and the constant fear of being killed accidentally.

-SHTICKBALL- In a stunning reversal of conscience, the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame will induct a member this summer who owes nearly all of his successes to the benefits of steroid use. Former Commissioner Bud Selig has been elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame, despite his time overseeing the game running rampant with performance enhancing drugs, now a topic that makes any baseball player's Hall of Fame credentials wilt like Toons dropped in “The Dip”. When inducted, Selig will become the first person in the Hall to have Performance Enhancing Drugs' sticky pine tar like residue on his hands. While some may consider it a dubious honor, it may actually open the flood gates for accused players to gain entry in the future, making Selig a trailblazer of steroids in his own right, normalizing something previously frowned upon, which Selig is probably comfortable with, like an owner becoming commissioner. “The Hall is a very judicious place, and we only let in the most deserving of candidates.” Hall Chairman Jane Forbes Clark said. “ We're certainly excited to have Mr. Selig in the Hall, as he oversaw a time in baseball when there was a lot of growth and money and expansion and money and home runs and money.” It's important to note that Selig was elected to the Hall of Fame by the Today's Game Era Committee, an absurdly confusing renaming of the Veteran's Committee. While this varies decidedly from the voting process used by the mostly pretentious and geriatric BBWAA, it's unclear if Selig would've made the Hall of Fame under a writer's vote, seeing as how he was as popular with the baseball loving public as Canadian rock band Nickelback. The BBWAA has 'abstained' for the most part for electing any player whom has ever even heard of steroids, thus becoming the ever-vigilant keepers to the Hall of Fame that no one really ever asked them to be. The same process was not in the cards for Selig, which is an important reminder of how Major League Baseball will do whatever it wants, no matter how wildly unpopular the decision is. Regardless of his relative unpopularity, some fans are still defending Selig's merits. “Yeah, I think Bud should be in. I mean, he benefitted in every way possible from steroid use, but the fact is he never actually took steroids, and that's the most important thing.” One unnamed Milwaukee resident said, “Guys who took it just to recover from an injury once, guys who were already Hall of Famers before they started using, and guys that were rumored to use them but it was never proven, those guys are the real frauds here.” Along with his bold stance of ignoring steroid use, Selig will likely be remembered for his other work in baseball as well, such as canceling the 1994 World Series as acting commissioner due to a strike, or declaring the All Star Game a tie in his own hometown, then making it count towards the World Series from then on, or moving his family's baseball team into a more lucrative league, and moving the Astros out of the very same league years later, ensuring daily interleague play, rendering it meaningless. So congratulations to Bud Selig, Performance Enhancing Drugs Trailblazer, and the first guilty as sin person from the steroid era to join the Hall of Fame.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words, and even to all the people that want me to not watch baseball anymore because non-fans inexplicably love throwing their arms in the air. This response has been incredible, makes my writing worthwhile.

Thanks, I think. I'm not Spanish, can I still win this award?

I'm definitely a jackhole, but I wouldn't say that I'm elitist. I drink canned beer and eat beef jerky on the reg.

Thanks! It was a little scary how easy this was for me to write. Guess I'm a little ranty.

To wave, or not to wave. That is not a question. The wave is an abomination in sports, a selfish and childish, unexplainable tradition that needs to stop. While it’s easy to point out the stupidity of the wave, there are still those who defend it. I took five defenses of the wave and aimed to rip them to shreds.In my short time writing about sports, I’ve written a lot of things. I’ve written about the rise of Devan Dubnyk thanks to a developing technique he’s been taught, I’ve ranked every sweater in Minnesota’s NHL history, and I’ve written about the Minnesota Wild player being upset with a locker room wall responsible for breaking Josh Harding’s ankle, in my first attempt at satire. In all of the funny, or unfunny posts I’ve written, my focus has remained the same- a fan trying to enjoy the game in my own way. That brings me to ‘the wave’. Last night, during a game between the Twins and Astros, who are both playoff-hopeful teams for the first time in half a decade, Twins fans were doing the wave during the ninth inning of a 3-0 game. A game that could very well decide the postseason fate of both teams, and fans were not hanging on every pitch, but rather watching their creation make its way around the stadium. It was so egregious, it even offended John Bonnes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make John Bonnes use all caps? In the short time that I’ve known John, he’s easily moved in as the answer to “Who is the nicest person you know?”, and though he has undying love for his Twins, he’s not know to fly off the handle over anything, but rather likely offer his signature laugh, as he’s known to do. But this was no laughing matter. It seems to me that we’re reaching a tipping point in sports right now with the wave, a completely useless fan participation event that grates at every real sports fan’s soul like nails on a chalkboard. The root of the problem is, as it always is, money. Sports teams that host beautifully complex contests of athleticism and skill, in state- of-the-art stadiums built exclusively for viewing said contests, rely on attracting the “casual fan” to keep the cash flow rolling. As cutthroat at the entertainment industry is, and this very much includes sports, the scratch and claw for the “casual fan” is as much of a struggle as ever, and you end up with stadiums that have just as much stimulus not related to the game being played as the game itself. In this day and age where entertainment is omnipresent, and people are watching Netflix while attending their child’s soccer practice, it seems as though we’ve lost touch with the goal of entertaining ourselves with just one form of entertainment. Now, I have no issue with the casual fan. They’re the bread that makes the sandwich when it comes to sports financially, and while they’re seen as either bandwagon jumpers or clueless mouth breathers, they comprise a huge portion, dare I say a majority, of each and every attended professional sporting event around the world. Sports needs the casual fan like animals need food. But with that food, sometimes come unintended consequences. There’re tons of them, from inappropriate booing, to stupid, misplaced chants and general mob mentality that turns uninformed hot takes into commonly believed ideologies. But for the purposes of this article, we’ll stick to the wave. For now. The wave is simple. It’s easy, it’s a little fascinating, and according to other people’s opinion, it’s “fun”. Now, I understand the attraction, seeing you and 18,000-45,000 people trying to participate in something that unifies and entertains you sounds like a great time, except for the fact that you’re all watching your favorite team play their sport, which should 1. Unify you and 2. Entertain you. But for some, this clearly isn’t enough, and they’ll defend their right to participate in this sophomoric practice until the bitter end. So for every defense of the wave, I can tell you why it’s wrong. 1. Fans pay money to attend sporting events, and should have the right to do whatever they want, being paying customers. -Fair point, but the problem with you doing whatever you want is that it affects other people. While you see the wave as harmless fun, what you’re really doing is inadvertently taking away from other people's enjoyment of the game, whether that be lemmings who are now joining you doing the wave and not watching the game, or fans of the game who do not want to do the wave, but are now staring into the back of your Jason Kubel jersey/plumbers crack instead seeing a pitch that could decide the game for their beloved ballclub. The wave is modern selfishness represented as a sports viewing tradition, and for once, millennials aren’t even to blame. If you’re doing the wave, you’re not watching the game, and that’s fine, it’s your choice, but collectively, you and your wave accomplices are taking away from the game experience for literally thousands of other fans. Thousands. Buying a ticket to a sporting event doesn’t give anyone carte blanche to ruin the experience for anyone around them. While you’re having your “fun”, you’re literally taking away the enjoyment from someone else by blocking his or her view. And if your argument hinges on the idea that the people directly behind you don’t mind and/or are also doing the wave, you’re missing the point. The wave is around the stadium, possibly covering every section and every seat. If you’re perpetuating the wave, you’re just as responsible for someone across the stadium from you as the person directly behind you. 2. We need to entertain ourselves during a “boring” game. -This might be the one that offends me the most. I realize that I’m a special breed of sports nerd, and that you may not remember where you were when Byron Buxton was drafted out of high school, but I do. To me, the game is everything but boring. It’s a symphony of skill, athleticism, strategy, luck, planning, and all sorts of other things that may make me tear up if I go on too long. I was once told the game of baseball is all about balance, and the rest is just peripherals. It’s about the pitcher vs. the batter, and balance. Playing defense, base running, chewing tobacco and 1990’s hip hop walk-up music, while all very important in everyone’s eyes, are just peripherals. While this may be an oversimplification, it points to the focus of the game. It’s about the pitcher and the hitter. While you may see the time between stolen bases and ground-rule doubles hit off of catwalks as ‘filler’, it’s anything but. I’m not asking every casual fan to become as enthralled with the sport as I am, that’s asking far too much. But for the brief time that you’re at a baseball game, instead of entertaining yourself with the wave, TRY. Instead of doing your best windy meadow impression, talk to the people around you about the game. Notice what the pitcher is doing, read the radar gun and watch the hitter’s swings. Explain to your child what the infield fly rule is, before they’re ever confused by it. If you don’t know what the infield fly rule is, ask someone around you, and join the brotherhood of baseball nerds, if only temporarily, if only for a few hours. All of this applies to other sports. Hockey arguably never has a dull moment during game play, even to the casual fan, and the breaks between are much too short to even consider starting a wave. Football and basketball are essentially the same argument. Soccer, on the other hand, may be the one caveat. I’m not sure where purists stand there, but it seems like much of the experience there IS fan participation, so maybe that’s too close to call, but let’s refrain from the wave there too, just for consistency’s sake. 3. Lots of people are not paying attention anyway, it’s a victimless crime. -This the most modern of defenses, as every sporting event now features thousands of people buried face first into their phones for at least some portion of the game. However, while that’s plenty factual, it’s not always necessarily what it seems. There are undoubtedly loads of people perusing cat pictures and playing Candy Crush during a sporting event. However, as one of the guiltiest of phone watchers, I can tell you that’s not always the case. Being in the blogging community even as briefly and likely forgettable as I have been, I’ve developed relationships with many other writers and fans, and every professional game in the state of Minnesota is like a hangout, thanks to social media. I don’t remember what it was like watching games before Twitter, but I don’t care to remember, because the insight, comedy and overall discussion about sports as they’re being played has changed the way that many people watch sports, and while it comes off as rude and inattentive, it’s really not. I realize my example may seem like a slim minority of those nose to phone people, but there are many more fans, not just bloggers enjoying the game with social media the way I do. Furthermore, this is a classic ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ situation. Sure, people are increasingly tuned out to the outside world and generally oblivious, and this also counts at sporting events. But that does not make up the entirety of the crowd, and it goes back to my first point about ruining the experience for others. I don’t want to read a wonderful tweet from one of the Twins beat writers about Miguel Sano’s ball exit speed, only to look up to the game and find your aforementioned Jason Kubel jersey/plumber’s crack in my face, instead of the next batter. 4. We’re being good fans, making noise and cheering for our team. -Wrong, wrong wrong. Much like fans chanting Duuuuuubbb after every time Devan Dubnyk so much looked at a hockey puck this spring, it might feel right to you, being a good little participating fan, cheering for your club, but it’s misplaced. Players enjoy it when crowds cheer, absolutely, I don’t think anyone is here to deny that. But much like booing at inappropriate times and starting bad chants, if it doesn’t make sense, then why are you doing it? You’re not being a good fan be essentially yelling gibberish at the top of your lungs for the purpose of noise-making. And whether you prefer to ‘Wooo!” along with your wave or not is kind of irrelevant here, as either way, it has absolutely nothing to do with the game being played, silently or boisterously. You’re not proudly chanting your team’s name, you’re not beckoning for a pitcher’s strikeout, you’re doing a completely unrelated activity to the sport you’re watching, which is proven by the fact that you see the wave at every different kind of sporting event. Being a fan shouldn’t be about just being as obnoxious as you possibly can for three hours on a weeknight, and though there are tons upon tons of obnoxious things happening at a baseball game, you don’t need to add to them. Drunk fans cheering like idiots and swearing in front of your children is just as distracting to the entertainment that you paid for as your entire section all standing and sitting on cue. Imagine the wave during a major symphony performing and you might get the idea of how offensive it is to not only the people who paid to watch it, but also the people performing. If your response to that is arguing that you don’t cheer loudly for your favorite flutist, but that’s perfectly acceptable at a baseball game, I understand the argument, but it is again wrong. Cheering is as inherent to sports as sitting quietly is to symphonies, as both are the expected behavior for viewing those events. You might argue that the buffoon standing up in front of you and screaming something obscene is just as distracting as the wave, and you’re right. That d-bag is basically a one-man wave, taking away from your enjoyment of the game for a brief period of time. And while he may ruin the play for you, he is only one person, which can’t be said for the wave. The most important point I can possibly make is if you’re doing the wave, you’re not watching the game. It’s as simple as that, and you can argue it all you want, but it’s kind of irrefutable. If you are truly watching the game, why are you doing the wave, and if you’re doing the wave, how can you be watching the game? Instead of paying to watch the best athletes in the world do their job, you’re looking to your right at a section full of accountants, truck drivers and school teachers for the cue to block the view of the fan behind you, who may be there to actually watch their favorite team. The picture I found for this article absolutely sums up my argument. In the foreground, an out of focus ballplayer, while in the background, the fans take center stage. 5. It’s fun for the kids! Think of the children! -It’s cowardly, really, to use kids as a human shield, in any instance, and especially when defending a practice that has been made painstakingly clear is wrong. Using the enjoyment of an oblivious child to justify the wrongdoing of such a selfish activity is absurd to me. Also, if you’re not bringing your child to a game to watch the game (which we’ve established doing the wave is not watching the game), then why did you bring them? While this might be a little hyperbolic, the central point is still valid, which leads to another suggestion. Teach your kids sports. I was a sports late bloomer, having parents who are very much in the casual fan part of the spectrum, and had to learn everything myself. I’ve connected with my parents in other facets of life, but any and every opportunity to teach your children something about the world we live in needs to be taken. The teaching your child the infield fly rule reference above wasn’t a snarky crack, I’m serious. It doesn’t matter if your child has no interest in learning the game being played or will never play that game, or even if you don’t know much about the game being played. Teach your kids what you know, and everything you know, and they’ll be better off for it. I went into recess in 4th grade having no idea what a ‘down’ was in football, because I had never actively watched a football game. Baseball I was even further behind in, and while I’ve done a fine job catching up to the pack, I can’t even imagine the fascination I would’ve had as a growing, inquisative child knowing some of the things I know now. --- In the end, this is either preaching to the choir, or falling on deaf ears, I know. Teams will never do anything to discourage the wave, for fear of losing out on those precious, full-price paying casual fans. The wave will go on, because only a select few want to stop it. Purists will go on angrily cursing the Neanderthals standing and sitting during crucial baseball games, and clueless fans will go on entertaining themselves because they don’t fully understand what they’re watching. But if this changes one person’s mind, then it was all worth it. And if that one person will stand up for sitting down, maybe his neighbor with sit down too, and so on, and so on. Click here to view the article

To wave, or not to wave. That is not a question. The wave is an abomination in sports, a selfish and childish unexplainable tradition that needs to stop. While it’s easy to point out the stupidity of the wave, there are still those who defend it. I took five defenses of the wave, and aimed to rip them to shreds. In my short time writing about sports, I’ve written a lot of things. I’ve written about the rise of Devan Dubnyk thanks to a developing technique he’s been taught, I’ve ranked every sweater in Minnesota’s NHL history, and I’ve written about the Minnesota Wild player being upset with a locker room wall responsible for breaking Josh Harding’s ankle, in my first attempt at satire. In all of the funny, or unfunny posts I’ve wrote, my focus has remained the same- a fan trying to enjoy the game in my own way. That brings me to ‘the wave’. Last night, during a game between the Twins and Astros, who are both playoff-hopefully teams for the first time in half a decade, Twins fans were doing the wave during the ninth inning of a 3-0 game. A game that could very well decide the postseason fate of both teams, and fans were not hanging on every pitch, but rather watching their creation make its way around the stadium. It was so egregious, it even offended John Bonnes. https://twitter.com/TwinsGeek/status/637458364969021440 Do you have any idea how hard it is to make John Bonnes use all caps? In the short time that I’ve known John, he’s easily moved in the answer to “Who is the nicest person you know?”, and though he has undying love for his Twins, he’s not know to fly off the handle over anything, but rather likely offer his signature laugh, as he’s known to do. But this was no laughing matter. It seems to me that we’re reaching a tipping point in sports right now with the wave, a completely useless fan participation event that grates at every real sports fan’s soul like nails on a chalkboard. The root of the problem is as it always is, the money. Sports teams that host beautifully complex contests of athleticism and skill, in state of the art stadiums built exclusively for viewing said contests, rely on attracting the “casual fan” to keep the cash flow rolling. As cutthroat at the entertainment industry is, and this very much includes sports, the scratch and claw for the “casual fan” is as much of a struggle as ever, and you end up with stadiums that have just as much stimulus not related to the game being played as the game itself. In this day in age where entertainment is omnipresent, and people are watching Netflix while attending their child’s soccer practice, its seems as though we’ve lost touch with the purpose of entertaining ourselves with just one form of entertainment. Now, I have no issue with the casual fan. They’re the bread that makes the sandwich when it comes to sports financially, and while they’re seen as either bandwagon jumpers or clueless mouth breathers, they comprise a huge portion, dare I say a majority, of each and every attended professional sporting event around the world. Sports needs the casual fan like animals need food. But with that food, sometimes comes unintended consequences. There’s tons of them, from inappropriate booing, to stupid, misplaced chants and general mob mentality that turns uninformed hot takes into commonly believed ideologies. But for the purposes of this article, we’ll stick to the wave. For now. The wave is simple. It’s easy, it’s a little fascinating, and according to other people’s opinion, it’s “fun”. Now, I understand the attraction, seeing you and 18,000-45,000 people trying to participate in something that unifies and entertains you sounds like a great time, except for the fact that you’re all watching your favorite team play their sport, which should A. Unify you and B. Entertain you. But for some, this clearly isn’t enough, and they’ll defend their right to participate in this sophomoric practice until the bitter end. So for every defense of the wave, I can tell you why it’s wrong. 1. Fans pay money to attend sporting events, and should have the right to do whatever they want, being a paying customer. -Fair point, but the problem with you doing whatever you want is that it affects other people. While you see the wave as harmless fun, what you’re really doing is inadvertently taking away from other peoples enjoyment of the game, whether that be lemmings who are now joining you doing the wave and not watching the game, or fans of the game who do not want to do the wave, but are now staring into the back of your Jason Kubel jersey/plumbers crack instead seeing a pitch that could decide the game for their beloved ballclub. The wave is modern selfishness represented as a sports viewing tradition, and for once, millennials aren’t even to blame. If you’re doing the wave, you’re not watching the game, and that’s fine, it’s your choice, but collectively, you and your wave accomplices are taking away from the game experience for literally thousands of other fans. Thousands. Buying a ticket to a sporting event doesn’t give anyone carte blanche to ruin the experience for anyone around them. While you’re having your “fun”, you’re literally taking away the enjoyment from someone else by blocking his or her view. And if your argument hinges on the idea that the people directly behind you don’t mind and/or are also doing the wave, you’re missing the point. The wave is around the stadium, possibly covering every section and every seat. If you’re perpetuating the wave, you’re just as responsible for someone across the stadium from you as the person directly behind you. 2. We need to entertain ourselves during a “boring” game. -This might be the one that offends me the most. I realize that I’m a special breed of sports nerd, and that you may not remember where you were when Byron Buxton was drafted out of high school, but I do. To me, the game is everything but boring. It’s a symphony of skill, athleticism, strategy, luck, planning, and all sorts of other things that may make me tear up if I go on too long. I was once told the game of baseball is all about balance, and the rest is just peripherals. It’s about the pitcher vs. the batter, and balance. Playing defense, baserunning, chewing tobacco and 1990’s hip hop walkup music, while all very important in everyone’s eyes, are just peripherals. While this may be an oversimplification, it points to the focus of the game. It’s about the pitcher and the hitter. While you may see the time between stolen bases and ground rule doubles hit off of catwalks as ‘filler’, it’s anything but. I’m not asking every casual fan to become as enthralled with the sport as I am, that’s asking far too much. But for the brief time that you’re at a baseball game, instead of entertaining yourself with the wave, try. Instead of doing your best windy meadow impression, talk to the people around you about the game. Notice what the pitcher is doing, read the radar gun and watch the hitter’s swings. Explain to your child what the infield fly rule is, before they’re ever confused by it. If you don’t know what the infield fly rule is, ask someone around you, and join the brotherhood of baseball nerds, if only temporarily, if only for a few hours. All of this applies to other sports. Hockey arguably never has a dull moment during gameplay, even to the casual fan, and the breaks between are much too short to even consider starting a wave. Football and basketball are essentially the same argument. Soccer, on the other hand, may be the one caveat. I’m not sure where purists stand there, but it seems like much of the experience there IS fan participation, so maybe that’s too close to call, but let’s refrain from the wave there too, just for consistency’s sake. 3. Lots of people are not paying attention anyway, it’s a victimless crime. -This one is the most modern of defenses, as every sporting event now features thousands of people buried face first into their phones for at least some portion of the game. However, while that’s plenty factual, it’s not always necessarily what it seems. There are undoubtedly loads of people perusing cat pictures and playing candy crush during a sporting event. However, as one of the guiltiest of phone watchers, I can tell you that’s not always the case. Being in the blogging community even as briefly and likely forgettable as I have been, I’ve developed relationships with many other writers and fans, and every professional game in the state of Minnesota is like a hangout, thanks to social media. I don’t remember what it was like watching games before Twitter, but I don’t care to remember, because the insight, comedy and overall discussion about sports as they’re being played has changed the way that many people watch sports, and while it comes off as rude and inattentive, it’s really not. I realize my example may seem like a slim minority of those nose to phone people, but there are many more fans, not just bloggers enjoying the game with social media the way I do. Furthermore, this is a classic ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ situation. Sure, people are increasingly tuned out to the outside world and generally oblivious, and this also counts at sporting events. But that does not make up the entirety of the crowd, and it goes back to my first point about ruining the experience for others. I don’t want to read a wonderful tweet from one of the Twins beat writers about Miguel Sano’s ball exit speed, only to look up to the game and find your aforementioned Jason Kubel jersey/plumber’s crack in my face, instead of the next batter. 4. We’re being good fans, making noise and cheering for our team. -Wrong, wrong wrong. Much like fans chanting Duuuuuubbb after every time Devan Dubnyk so much looked at a hockey puck this spring, it might feel right to you, being a good little participating fan, cheering for your club, you it’s misplaced. Players enjoy it when crowds cheer, absolutely, I don’t think anyone is here to deny that. But much like booing at inappropriate times and starting bad chants, if it doesn’t make sense, then why are you doing it? You’re not being a good fan be essentially yelling gibberish at the top of your lungs for the purpose of noise-making. And whether you prefer to ‘Wooo!” along with your wave or not is kind of irrelevant here, as either way, it has absolutely nothing to do with the game being played, silently or boisterously. You’re not proudly chanting your team’s name, you’re not beckoning for a pitcher’s strikeout, you’re doing a completely unrelated activity to the sport you’re watching, which is proven by the fact that you see that wave at every different kind of sporting event. Being a fan shouldn’t be about just being as obnoxious as you possibly can for three hours on a weeknight, and though there are tons, upon tons of obnoxious things happening at a baseball game, you don’t need to add to them. Drunk fans cheering like idiots and swearing in front of your children is just as distracting to the entertainment that you paid for as your entire section all standing and sitting on cue. Imagine the wave during a major symphony performing and you might get the idea of how offensive it is to not only the people who paid to watch it, but also the people performing. If your response to that is arguing that you don’t cheer loudly for your favorite flutist, but that’s perfectly acceptable at a baseball game, I understand the argument, but it is again wrong. Cheering is as inherent to sports as sitting quietly is to symphonies, as both are the expected behavior for viewing those events. You may argue that the buffoon standing up in front of you and screaming something obscene is just as distracting as the wave, and you’re right. That d-bag is basically a one-man wave, taking away from your enjoyment of the game for a brief period of time. And while he may ruin the play for you, he is only one person, which can’t be said for the wave. The most important point I can possibly make is if you’re doing the wave, you’re not watching the game. It’s as simple as that, and you can argue it all you want, but it’s kind of irrefutable. If you are truly watching the game, why are you doing the wave, and if you’re doing the wave, how can you be watching the game? Instead of paying to watch the best athletes in the world do their job, you’re looking to your right at a section full of accountants, truck drivers and school teachers for the cue to block the view of the fan behind you, who may be there to actually watch their favorite team. The picture I found for this article absolutely sums up my argument. In the foreground, an out of focus ballplayer, while in the background, the fans take center stage. 5. It’s fun for the kids! Think of the children! -It’s cowardly, really, to use kids as a human shield, in any instance, and especially when defending a practice that it has been made painstakingly clear is wrong. Using the enjoyment of an oblivious child to justify the wrongdoing of such a selfish activity is absurd to me. Also, if you’re not bringing your child to a game to watch the game (which we’ve established doing the wave is not watching the game), then why did you bring them? While this might be a little hyperbolic, the central point is still valid, which leads to another suggestion. Teach your kids sports. I was a sports late bloomer, having parents that are very much in the casual fan part of the spectrum, and had to learn everything myself. I’ve connected with my parents in other facets of life, but any and every opportunity to teach your children something about the world we live in needs to be taken. The teaching your child the infield fly rule reference above wasn’t a snarky crack, I’m serious. It doesn’t matter if your child has no interest in learning the game being played or will never play that game, or even if you don’t know much about the game being played. Teach your kids what you know, and everything you know, and they’ll be better off for it. I went into recess in 4th grade having no idea what a ‘down’ was in football, because I had never actively watched a football game. Baseball I was even further behind in, and while I’ve done a fine job catching up to the pack, I can’t even imagine the fascination I would’ve had as a growing, inquizative child knowing some of the things I know now. --- In the end, this is either preaching to the choir, or falling on deaf ears, I know. Teams will never do anything to discourage the wave, for fear of losing out on those precious, full-price paying casual fans. The wave will go on, because only a select few want to stop it. Purists will go on angrily cursing the Neanderthals standing and sitting during crucial baseball games, and clueless fans will go on entertaining themselves because they don’t fully understand what they’re watching. But if this changes one person’s mind, then it was all worth it. And if that one person will stand up for sitting down, maybe his neighbor with sit down too, and so on, and so on. Photo by Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

-SHTICKBALL- In a stunning turn of events, I Puig My Pants Manager Bill Woods has been relieved of his duties. The announcement was made today via the message board on Yahoo Fantasy Baseball, and raised eyebrows all around the Bi-lateral Leg Weakness Baseball League. The announcement came from an entity calling himself W. James Woods, Owner of the I Puig My Pants franchise. While it’s unclear at this point if the I Puig My Pants GM William Woods was involved in the situation, it’s interesting that a normally stable ownership group would make a move like this during an otherwise lost season. The I Puig My Pants franchise has been beset by injuries to their star player Yasiel Puig for most of the season, along with foolishly adding infielder Anthony Rendon under the assumption that he could ever put together a completely healthy season. These injuries have derailed the IPMP season, but no one expected ownership to react with such rashness. The leagues redraft format makes next season a likely push of the reset button, and the expectations were that the manager would return. While it’s unclear of who will take over as manager, there are said to be some in house candidates, such as W. J. Woods, or even someone from outside the locality of ownership’s mother’s basement. It’s also unclear at this point the exact reasoning for the move, given the injuries to the team, but sources within the team say that ownership thought that some fresh thinking was needed to be successful next season, and that Bill was very self-hating. “Yeah, I don’t get it, it’s stupid.” Jeff Smith, ‘Trout, Trout, Let It All Out’ owner, was quoted as saying when asked, although it’s not known if he was talking about the firing or just the message board post in of itself. After last week’s crushing loss to Bartolo Colon’s Man Boobs last week, the I Puig My Pants franchise dropped to dead last in the BLWBL, and some were hoping that the team would just give up on the season and stop changing its lineup, giving them the advantage for the rest of the season, but no other changes were expected. This marks an important day in BLWBL history, as if the move makes a difference next season, it could spark changes in how team managers are viewed around the league, and the possibility of dividing up more responsibilities amongst team’s front offices could become a thing. It’s been rumored that the ownership of the Denny Hocking Fan Club franchise had been on unstable ground for many years, and this could be the push they need to also shake things up a bit. As for the rest of the league, it’s likely to be business as usual, with most teams just going about their business and just hoping that ‘Nasty’ Nate never wins the league title again. Photo Credit- Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

-SHTICKBALL- In the front office of a professional team, one General Manager is getting rave reviews because of his recent hard work and dedication. What fans don’t know is how much he’s struggling to make himself look busy. “I just spent forty million dollars today so local sportwriters wouldn’t call me a wimp.” The GM said, wiping sweat from his brow. “I had a plan to draft and develop some good players, but now I’m just wasting my boss’ money so that it looks like I’m working.” This productivity illusion struggle is a relatable one for the American public, in a recent survey, over 95% of American employees say they only do things at work to make it look like they should continue to get paid by their employer. What this General Manager has on his shoulders more than the average paper pusher is a multi-million dollar budget for his office and the hopes and dreams of an entire major media market questioning his every move. “I mean, if I don’t do anything, they’ll say that I don’t know what I’m doing. But have you seen this guy we just signed? He’s terrible. And now we’re going to be paying him gobs of money until he’s 42.” The GM then got choked up and threw his hands up in the air in defeat. He’s in a difficult position to be sure, because if he just builds his team through the draft, savvy trades and low-key signings, he’d likely be ran out of town with pitchforks and torches. The fans can be impatient and waiting a whopping three years for a contending team just doesn’t fit most fans’ expectations. “We need to win, and we need to win now!” One anonymous fan remarked “I’m so sick of this team losing, they’ve been losing ever since my three-year-old son was born. All he’s ever known is losing, and it’s time for a change!” When asked about the team’s recent moves, he was ecstatic “Yeah, I liked the signings, I mean, you gotta pay some money to get good players, but I’ll wait until that player underperforms relative to his contract to absolutely savage this contract signing.” The GM did not want to provide further comments about how he planned to look busy when the team owner stopped by his office tomorrow, but he was hoping that a player would get arrested for something relatively foolish tonight so he could be kept busy for most of the next day. *The article also appears at WildXtra.com today, in The Stand Up Goalie. Too good of a concept to not share. Photo Credit Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports