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Multiple unvaccinated Twins players must sit out this weekend’s series in Toronto due to Canada’s COVID policies. While the medical community almost universally hails the efficacy of the vaccines, the worst doctor we could find thinks the Twins are getting a raw deal.
Dr. Gary Van Lowe, a retired family physician from Chanhassen, says the players (Max Kepler, Caleb Thielbar, Emilio Pagan, and Trevor Megill)  are probably in better shape than their vaccinated teammates.
“I was doing my own research just this morning,” said Van Lowe, “And realvaccinetruth.biz said the vaccines have little microchips in them that allows the government to turn you into a human microwave. I got right up off the toilet to see if any of that was in the newspaper. Not a word.”
The 61-year-old, whose frequent malpractice settlements earned him the nickname “Mal” from Fairview Southdale's attorneys, said the lack of further media coverage points to a larger conspiracy.
“I don’t think they’re doing this just to screw over the Twins in a critical road series,” said Van Lowe, nursing his “seventh or eighth” Mich Golden Light on the 17th tee box at Deer Run in Victoria. “Could it be to mess with the Vikings and Wild, too? Good luck finding that out in the Red Star (sic) from Michael Bland (sic).”
Van Lowe, who left medicine in 2015 after a series of lurid sexual harassment accusations from fellow doctors, nurses, and the entire front of house staff at the Eden Prairie Buca di Beppo, now runs a medical consultancy firm for insurance companies looking to deny benefits.
“The jury is still out on this vaccine,” he said, wobbling over a putt on 17. “All I know is that Betty White was perfectly healthy before she got the jab. Makes you think.”
Van Lowe ended the interview in order to ask the beer cart driver if she needed a ride home.

Byron Buxton

The man is the definition of nice. It was nice when St. Pohlad pulled through by resigning Buxton to ten more Christmases. Buxton was a lock for the nice list this year. 
 
Joe Ryan

During the darkest days of doom and gloom, Joe Ryan’s fastball lit up the room. Without Ryan on the team, we may have burst at the seam. We can’t wait for next season, with Ryan’s continued dominance as the main reason. Thank you for coming to Minnesota, Joe. Our favorite starting pitcher with a sick flow. 

 
Bailey Ober

Uber is often attached to another Twins’ starting pitcher, but now this term also applies to the savior of the Twins’ starting pitching this season. This young rookie stood up to the test when the entire rotation fell to injury. This made Ober a no-brainer as our Rookie of the Year.
 
Justin Morneau

No one said they had to be current Twins. Morneau’s soothing voice of reason pacified the crowds during every blowout. Without Morneau behind the booth, chaos may have erupted among Twins fans. Each game without him felt more like a grind than some of the worst games of the season. Even years after retirement, Morneau continues to be the MVP. 
 
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen 

You may be wondering to yourself, where are the Olsen twins? The notoriously anonymous sisters have been quietly building their fashion empire, Elizabeth and James, behind the scenes. We miss seeing the sisters together on screen, but we respect their wishes for confidentiality.
 
Taylor and Tyler Rogers

Tyler isn’t a Twin, but it felt appropriate to include him on the list as well. The warm and fuzzies that fans felt watching Taylor and Tyler support each other throughout the season warranted a spot for both twins. In addition, Taylor’s All-Star season and Tyler’s snubbed All-Star season made them a lock on every baseball fan’s list. 

 
Jorge Polanco

No explanation needed
 
Ralph Garza Jr.

He’s simply Santa’s favorite. (Author's Edit: We’re wondering if there’s some nepotism at play.) 
 
Gray Duck Tavern at Target Field

Maybe not a Twin on paper, but this is Santa’s list, and he will do whatever he darn pleases. Without Gray Duck Tavern, the Twins Daily staff’s summer get-together would’ve been about 100 bomba juices short, which actually might’ve been a good thing. 

Thank you all for reading this year. May you all have a wonderful holiday and only receive season’s wishes for baseball purposes.