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Every spring training, baseball writers document which player in camp has cut weight, hit the gym, and is generally in “the best shape of his life.”
“It’s one of those clichés that happens to be true,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “There’s always a player who really got after it in the winter and it’s hard to miss.”
“I was on Jeopardy,” confirmed MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park.
For the Fargo Forum’s Steve Fraley, it’s another matter entirely.
“I have let myself go,” said Fraley. “Things are not good.”
Fraley, battling his second hangover of the weekday, confirmed to Twins Daily that he is in the worst shape of his life heading to Fort Myers.
“The thing they don’t tell you about cigarettes is how good they make you feel,” said Fraley. “You get up in the morning, reheat a cup of coffee, then light up that dart. Man. Then you figure out where you left your phone, dry swallow four Advils, and get on with the day.”
Fraley is in his fourth season of covering the Twins for the newspaper and says this is as slovenly as he’s ever been before Opening Day.
“I live right next to an Applebee’s,” said Fraley. “You just wander across the parking lot, settle in, order some nachos, and brother, you are feeling good in the neighborhood. Sometimes the Law & Order rerun is one I haven’t even seen yet.
“That said, the advancements they’ve made in nacho delivery technology have had some undesirable side effects. Going up a size on the board shorts and Hawaiian shirts this year, can’t smoke my way out of this one even though I plan to try.”
Fraley’s fellow scribes agree that it’s a struggle to get into the writer’s version of midseason form.
“I honestly don’t know what airport I’m landing in or how I’m getting to the park,” said The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. “I’m in the air right now.”
“Twice. I was on Jeopardy twice,” added Park.
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The shocking return of Carlos Correa and the circumstances surrounding it are THE topic of conversation in Twins Territory. Except for one irritating man.
“Maybe it’s just me, but I guess I want to see how A.J. Alexy fits in to the team’s bullpen plans for 2023,” said Xander Greene, a 29-year-old systems analyst from Minneapolis. “It’s a pretty obscure transaction, you probably haven’t heard of it.”
The Twins acquired Alexy, 24, from the Nationals in exchange for fellow righthander Christian Jimenez, mere hours before the Correa bombshell. And it’s all Greene wants to talk about.
“I mean, everyone wants to talk about Correa’s leg and how his contract is structured,” sneered Greene, who will tell you he doesn’t own a television even if you don’t ask. “I guess I’m just built different. The bullpen is pretty important and the Twins had a bad one last year.”
Greene, who brings a typewriter to the coffee shop because apparently that’s a thing, says he’s barely read about the Correa signing.
“Is it a long-term deal,” asked the grown man with a pocket watch. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t regret not having a smartphone, but I can see its utility for queries like this.
“What I can tell you is that Alexy’s control problems are probably why the Twins were able to get him for an 18-year-old (Jimenez) who still plays in the Dominican Republic. The risk was worth taking if the team can fix him, he has the stuff to be in the discussion for high-leverage work. But nobody wants to talk about that, they just want to talk about the same old, same old.”
While putting a new cassette in his Walkman, Greene had one more thing to add.
“Did anyone know they DFA’d Kyle Garlick on Wednesday? I could talk for 25 minutes about how he destroys left-handed pitching and would be a great fit in, say, Toronto. But I guess everyone wants to talk about the new old shortstop. That’s fine. It’s fine.”
Greene got on his unicycle and pedaled away.
 

Jimmy Trueheart, Young Child with Fear and Distant Wonder in His Eyes: Papa told me that sometimes good things happen to bad people. When we beat the Yankees to death and left them screaming on the side of a gravel road on Wednesday night, I asked Papa, “Are we the bad people now?” Papa said, “No, son. Some folks deserve to scream on the side of a gravel road on a Wednesday night. The sinner reaps that which he sows. A great culling awaits. Mostly for (The Athletic’s Aaron) Gleeman.” I like chocolate.
Fred Marsters, Frequent Internet Commenter: Why are people happy? They’ve lost one million games to the Yankees. Enjoying one victory, much less anything ever, betrays an obvious lack of critical thinking or needed context. My wife left me.
Collin Roberts, Usher: Watching Yankees fans file out of the stadium, reeking of imported cologne and $14 domestic lagers, has convinced me to return to church this Sunday.
Rocco Baldelli, Manager: So everyone talks about the Phish Halloween shows as being for newbies to the whole Phish experience, but I always say the more the merrier. It’s a communal vibe. They’re for everyone. Listen to the 1994 show where they do the White Album. Glen Falls. It’s a whole ‘nother level, brother. ‘Glass Onion’ alone is price of admission stuff. What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah, Yankees. Good win, guys did great.
Dana Wessel, FM Radio Personality: Remember when the lawyer in Jurassic Park got ate? My dude was on the toilet! Chompjection, your honor!
Terry Nelson, Suburban Hockey Fan from Blaine or Woodbury: I heard thugs check your ID at the Target Field gate to make sure you’re woke enough to attend a game and if they don’t mug you on the spot, they let you in, but still burn your car and make your daughters listen to hip-hop. My penis doesn’t work, and it has never worked.
Winston, a Black Lab Dog: My owners were high-fiving the entire night and killed an entire box of wine. I saw a squirrel outside the bay window in the 6th inning who was clearly an immediate threat, and the owners chose to kennel me and continue watching the game. Humans are a mystery to me. Squirrels must die.
Glenn Hauer, Longtime Twins Fan: I enjoyed it 100% because if history is any guide, the Yankees will resume crushing our hopes and dreams on Thursday.