Barnacles

It may seem like just yesterday that Joe Mauer donned his catching equipment one last time before saying farewell to a roaring Target Field crowd. But it’s now been five years since his 2018 retirement, meaning the lifelong Twin is eligible for Baseball’s Hall of Fame.
And for the most miserable bastards in Minnesota, it couldn’t come soon enough.
“As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve missed him since he retired,” said Tom Hanson, 58. The Anoka resident and classic North Metro redass has been banned from every social media website ever created. “He’s the worst baseball player I’ve ever seen and he should be in jail for stealing money from hard-working Minnesotans. But all the same, I’ve missed sending angry emails about him to our bought-and-paid-for local media shills.”
Hanson, who is no longer welcome in the IHOP family of breakfast restaurants, foresees a multi-year campaign against the former American League MVP.
“The first year, I expect the baseball writers to step up and keep him out because they do that to good players, too,” said Hanson. “Patriots will do the heavy lifting after that. A sustained barrage of complaints to talk radio, comments left in newspaper comment sections, skywriting. My stepson who no longer talks to me does raps on the internet, it would be nice to bring him into the fold if (ex-fourth wife) Bonnie would quit being such a [INCREDIBLY VILE EXPLETIVE].”
Hanson isn’t alone.
“All I know is players used to play hurt or they didn’t play,” said Bruce Schafer, 62, of Dayton. “Mauer didn’t even play when he was healthy and now the woke mob wants me to act like he’s a Hall of Famer? Hell no.”
Schafer, who frequently shares inaccurate stories about vaccine efficacy and Barack Obama’s long-form birth certificate on Facebook, said the opportunity to set the record straight about the three-time batting champ is one he welcomes.
“This is like Christmas and the 4th of July all in one,” said the unloved man. “There are kids out there who’ve never heard the term ‘bilateral leg weakness’ used to mock someone with a brain injury. Just another example of cancel culture going too far.”

Derek Falvey pulled off another master-class trade last Friday in which he flipped
Luis Arraez for Pablo Lopez with two prospects. One of those prospects, Jose Salas, was a top five prospect in the Marlins organization. The 19-year-old Salas was an international signing in 2019 by the Marlins and now gives the Twins another middle infield prospect with a ton of upside.
Falvey has shown to be very patient on the trade market, sticking to his guns and getting teams to overpay. Just as he did when he traded Jose Berrios for Austin Martin and Simeon Woods-Richardson at the 2021 trade deadline, Falvey has a knack for getting the most out of every trade he has his hand in. The Twins were insistent they wouldn't trade Arraez for Lopez in a 1-for-1 deal, but the fact that the front office convinced the Marlins to throw in a top prospect provides the Twins with a good amount of middle infield depth in the minor leagues.
Salas joins Royce Lewis, Brooks Lee, and Austin Martin
as top prospects in the Twins organization and potential future shortstop options to take over for Carlos Correa when he inevitably moves to 3rd base. The consensus is that Lee and Martin will almost certainly move positions by the time they arrive at the majors, but Lewis proved he can play short in his limited time there last year. While Salas is young, early accounts suggest that he may stick at short.
The depth the Twins have built is excellent. After this trade, the Twins have acquired enough top-tier minor-league talent to make a swing for a pitcher even more impactful than Lopez.
The Twins currently have six pitchers worthy of a look at a rotation spot, and while all of them are very good, none of them would be considered an "ace." The rotation the Twins have built is better than any rotation they've had in a while, but adding a top-of-the-line pitcher would put this team from contenders in the AL Central to contenders in the American League. Whether they move to push for a trade now or at the trade deadline in July, the Twins could cash in on the depth of minor-league talent they have accumulated just as they cashed in on the depth of MLB-level hitters in the Arraez trade.
This offseason, a couple of pitchers' names have been thrown around that would be considered by most in the "ace" status of starting pitchers. The two names mentioned most frequently are Arizona Diamondback's Zac Gallen and Milwaukee Brewer's Corbin Burnes . Gallen is under team control through 2025, while Burnes is under team control through the 2024 season.
Trading Burnes when your team is a contender in its division would be weird, but that's how the Brewers have operated in recent years. Despite being in the thick of the playoff race, they traded Josh Hader to San Diego at last year's deadline. Zac Gallen has more control than Burnes and plays on a bad team, so Gallen remains the more likely option to get moved at some point this year.
The package for either of these two players would not be cheap, but after adding Salas, the Twins could have enough assets to complete a trade and not deplete the farm too much. They also have the #5 overall pick in the upcoming MLB Draft this July. Plus, they have young talent on the major league roster.
For instance, if the Twins were to strap Bailey Ober , under team control through 2027, to one of their top infield prospects, they could put themselves in a position where they would be close to pulling off a deal. Coupling the assets the Twins have to give with Falvey's recent ability to get teams to overpay leaves trading for an ace well within the realm of possibilities.
While it is unlikely that the Twins will pull off a trade for an ace before the offseason ends, it remains a possibility of something to look forward to at the trade deadline. If the Twins can stay healthy and competitive, there is no reason they can't use their depth of infield talent at the minor-league level to make one more massive move in an attempt to bring the Commissioner's Trophy back to Minnesota.
What are your thoughts? Should the Twins dip into their minor-league talent to put together a package that would entice a team to send back their ace? Let me know! As always, Go, Twins!

The shocking return of Carlos Correa and the circumstances surrounding it are THE topic of conversation in Twins Territory. Except for one irritating man.
“Maybe it’s just me, but I guess I want to see how A.J. Alexy fits in to the team’s bullpen plans for 2023,” said Xander Greene, a 29-year-old systems analyst from Minneapolis. “It’s a pretty obscure transaction, you probably haven’t heard of it.”
The Twins acquired Alexy, 24, from the Nationals in exchange for fellow righthander Christian Jimenez, mere hours before the Correa bombshell. And it’s all Greene wants to talk about.
“I mean, everyone wants to talk about Correa’s leg and how his contract is structured,” sneered Greene, who will tell you he doesn’t own a television even if you don’t ask. “I guess I’m just built different. The bullpen is pretty important and the Twins had a bad one last year.”
Greene, who brings a typewriter to the coffee shop because apparently that’s a thing, says he’s barely read about the Correa signing.
“Is it a long-term deal,” asked the grown man with a pocket watch. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t regret not having a smartphone, but I can see its utility for queries like this.
“What I can tell you is that Alexy’s control problems are probably why the Twins were able to get him for an 18-year-old (Jimenez) who still plays in the Dominican Republic. The risk was worth taking if the team can fix him, he has the stuff to be in the discussion for high-leverage work. But nobody wants to talk about that, they just want to talk about the same old, same old.”
While putting a new cassette in his Walkman, Greene had one more thing to add.
“Did anyone know they DFA’d Kyle Garlick on Wednesday? I could talk for 25 minutes about how he destroys left-handed pitching and would be a great fit in, say, Toronto. But I guess everyone wants to talk about the new old shortstop. That’s fine. It’s fine.”
Greene got on his unicycle and pedaled away.