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With the calendar reading 2023, it’s hard not to think of spring training. And with a free agent class essentially picked clean and the trade rumors silent, it’s hard not to wonder who, exactly, is going to be on the Minnesota Twins come April. At least one source has run the numbers and is startled at the findings.
“Usually, I base these outlooks on the current roster, the farm system, free agents, the needs of other teams, and payroll,” said Aaron Gleeman, The Athletic’s Minnesota Twins correspondent and world record holder for most takeout duck sauce packets in one refrigerator (354). “The thing is, what always comes back is a major league roster. This time…”
Gleeman’s voice trailed off.
“Here, I’ll open the spreadsheet.”
Rather than columns of names, positions, ages, and salaries, the screen cut to black, a black as eternal and smothering as a starless winter night. From the laptop speakers came what at first sounded like a low moan. It soon escalated into a mournful, broken howl. The sound, not quite human, not quite animal, made clear it was no stranger to the depths of sorrow.
After 25-30 seconds, the sound ended. A picture of former Twin Chuck Knoblauch getting pelted with hot dogs at the Metrodome appeared, and Twins radio broadcaster Dan Gladden said, “This roster projection brought to you by Minnesota Rusco, since 1965.”
“I can’t explain any of this,” said Gleeman. “I mean, I’m as skeptical of the state of the roster right now as anyone, but I just kinda figured it would come back with Michael Wacha and Elvis Andrus or something, you know? The machine doesn’t usually do this.”
Fellow beat writers and columnists report similar troubling results.
“I had to file my first spring training preview for Sunday’s paper,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “I sent it to my editors, and they said, ‘Ha ha, very funny.’ I asked them to clarify, and they said ‘This is the Book of Revelations, Phil.’ I checked the original document, and sure enough. Nothing about what I wrote on Royce Lewis, but a whole sidebar regarding pestilence.”
“I heard about Aaron’s issue so figured I’d just take a look at my own files,” said Betsy Helfand of the Pioneer Press. “All my notes are there, but they’re in Latin. The letters are blood red. I don’t know any Latin, and Alden Global Capital (the hedge fund that owns the Pioneer Press) doesn’t give us laptops that display color.”
The Twins open their spring training schedule on Saturday, February 25th.

The Minnesota Twins have done an admirable job getting as much use out of Byron Buxton in 2022 as possible, even leading the star centerfielder to an All-Star berth. Still, with injuries continuing to pile up, the team sought a second opinion after Buxton’s recent trip to the IL. The results aren’t pretty, but they aren't surprising.
“Byron Buxton has adult-onset Evel Knievelism,” said Dr. Nicole Baumhardt, a physician at Johns Hopkins.
This incredibly rare condition usually affects only those who jump motorcycles over things and plummet to the unforgiving asphalt, or people who’ve appeared on more than one season of MTV’s Jackass.
It's named after Robert Craig “Evel” Knievel, a popular stuntman from the 1960s and ‘70s. He’s perhaps best known for failing to land a sick jump over the Caesars Palace fountains in Las Vegas, breaking his pelvis, femur, hip, wrist, and both ankles. Baumhardt says she wishes this was all that was hurting Buxton.
“All of Byron’s bones are broken,” said Baumhardt. “In addition, he has extra bones that the human body isn’t supposed to have, bones we’ve never seen. Those are also broken.
“The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie. We put him in an iron lung and the iron lung fell down a very long flight of stairs with him in it, rebreaking his broken bones harder. We placed him in a full body cast and there is now a wasps’ nest under his right arm, leading to very painful welts. He has COVID-20. You don’t even want to know what that is.”
“We’ll continue managing (Byron’s) rest,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “He’s going to need a day off here and there, but we still hope he can contribute to our playoff drive. The league says his body cast is technically a uniform if we put a name and number on it, which helps.
“The tough part is that he just got into the trainer’s room and a piano fell on him. We don’t know how a piano ended up in there, but it just up and tipped over on him, rebreaking the rebroken bones that were already broken. He might be a go on Sunday, but we’ll have to wait and see how he responds to treatment or if any other large, heavy objects smash his unique slurry of bone and muscle yet again. Until then, our other guys have to step up.”
Image license here.

The pace of the Twins offseason went from zero to 100 once the lockout ended, with a flurry of moves by Minnesota’s management duo (President of Baseball Ops Derek Falvey and GM Thad Levine) leading to a radically different opening day lineup.
And the pace has not slowed down.
Shortly after moving closer Taylor Rogers and prospect Brent Rooker to the Padres for pitchers Chris Paddack and Emilio Pagan, the team announced that they traded team mascot TC Bear to the Jacksonville (FL) Zoo and Gardens. In return, they’re receiving a significant number of snakes, reptiles, and other creatures.
“I’m just going to come right out and say that I don’t know what we’re going to do with a half-dozen Burmese pythons,” said Falvey. “But we hadn’t made a trade in a good 2-3 hours, and the rush of acquiring and sending away assets is unbeatable. We’re hooked, baby!”
Levine, who said he hasn’t slept since Monday afternoon, was equally enthused if unclear about the trade.
“Do you know if a monitor lizard is cool with letting relievers ride him out of the bullpen,” said Levine. “I don’t want to get on PETA’s radar, but I’ll be honest, I don’t know where we’re going to put him otherwise. GOD I LOVE TRADING, CAN’T BEAT IT.”
Neither Falvey nor Levine would comment on the fact that TC Bear is not a real bear, but in fact a person in a pretend bear costume who is being sent to a zoo to live among real bears that will likely visit mind-bending violence upon him.
“He’s dealing with it as best he can,” said a source close to the man who wears the costume. “Is it as bad as when (former Twin) Andrelton Simmons demanded to speak to the mayor of the talking bear village where TC Bear lives about repealing their mask mandate? No. Still, the threat of mauling is one he takes seriously.”
The team says there are no further moves in the offing, and rumors that Minnesota is trading an old Metrodome urinal trough for a shoebox of expired prescription drugs are unfounded but they're very open to it and would throw in a gently-used Mike Maksudian.

The owners of Major League Baseball locked out the players just after midnight on Thursday morning, ensuring baseball’s first work stoppage in over a quarter century. And Shad Browne knows who to blame.
“These players are greedy and entitled, I’m sick of ‘em,” said the Fairmont landscaper. “They get paid money to play a game and sometimes you’ve gotta take a stand.”
The owners, wealthier than the players by a monstrous degree and living lives of unimaginable luxury, do not receive the same level of disdain from Browne.
“Lotta these owners are entrepreneurs who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps to make their money,” said Browne incorrectly. “Meanwhile, the modern player just takes a day off when they feel like it. The way I see it, you don’t play, you don’t get paid.”
Browne, who took PTO last Monday because the Vikings lost and he was “super hungover,” said he sees a lot of himself in owners, despite this being remarkably untrue.
“They’re just trying to run a business same as anyone else,” he said with the steady resolve that only the deeply ignorant possess. “I guess I’d just like to see a little more gratitude and a little less attitude from the millennial generation.”
Browne, who used the word “meritocracy” in reference to a country where you don’t have to work a day in your life if your great-granddad sold mustard gas to Kaiser Wilhelm, dismissed the notion that the owners should take some of the blame for instigating the lockout they instigated.
“At the end of the day, they’ve got a business to run,” said Browne, for whom the concept of generational wealth has never so much as registered for one second of one day. “If the players can’t handle that, they can get a job just like anyone else.
“It’s just not right,” said the cornfed rube.

The prospect of a Major League Baseball lockout is growing by the day. While impacts on free agency and the 2022 season are only speculative at this point, some segments of the economy are already facing the consequences of a potential work stoppage head-on.
“The male beat writers aren’t buying their new Spring Training shirts,” said a source close to the Minnesota chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America. “Can’t justify the expense if there won’t be a spring training.”
Replacing the previous year’s shirts, often marred by sweat, spilled coffee, missing buttons, and stains from a staggering variety of dipping sauces, is a hallowed tradition for writers both old and new.
Right now, this tradition is riding the pine.
“The whole market, be it staid Target golf polos or hideous button downs from brands with names like Panama Beachcomber, is in shambles,” said Steve Mediate, a consumer goods analyst for Forbes. “Clearly, they’re holding off until there’s more clarity from MLB and the players union.”
Mediate is concerned that, even if an agreement is reached and a lockout avoided, it’ll be too late for the journalists to acquire their repulsive garments.
“There’s a textile factory in Vietnam that specializes in the more garish designs certain baseball writers favor,” said Mediate. “They’ve been shuttered for a month. If he wants a shirt that looks like an educational film about farm accidents, they’re not even making them right now. His best bet for a button down designed by someone who hates the gift of sight and the concept of beauty is a vintage store or Goodwill.”
Mediate confirmed that similar impacts are being felt in sectors like sandals and dumb-looking hats.
“There are warehouses full of hats that keep the sun off your neck and also make you look like a real chump, a cosmic dorkwad who frankly should be bullied,” said Mediate. “They’re gathering dust and not going anywhere. It’s a mess.”
Image license for photo of grotesque shirts here.