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Blog Entries posted by LastOnePicked

  1. LastOnePicked

    2022 season
    There’s a great scene in the first season of Ted Lasso. Coach Lasso is sitting and mulling over end of season strategy with his assistant, Coach Beard. Lasso realizes that his approach with his players might not give the team the best shot at winning, but smiles and reassures Coach Beard that “winning ain’t how we measure success.”
    Coach Beard turns red. He slams his fist on the table and hollers, “DAMN IT, IT IS!”
    Winning matters. Which brings us, ironically enough, back to the Minnesota Twins. In the last 18 years of baseball, only two MLB teams have failed to win a postseason game. One of those teams, the Seattle Mariners, are a virtual lock to win a Wild Card spot. That may soon leave the Twins alone at the bottom of the postseason winning heap for this stretch. Last in success, out of all 30 major league teams.
    “C’mon,” you’ll argue. “Stop blowing this out of proportion. Just look at those division pennants waving atop Target Field. One of them is even as recent as 2020. That’s success.” Sure, I know they’re there. I just can’t shake the feeling that they just don’t matter all that much. Sure, the Twins have had some success in a weak division - the children’s table of baseball - building up midseason leads and slipping ahead of marginal competition. But when the heat is on, when the top teams are in town, when the playoff bunting flies, the Twins aren’t much of a ballclub. They don’t win when it really counts, when it would generate excitement, when it would really bring the state together. They are a professional organization run and staffed by what seem to be genuinely decent and otherwise competent people. 
    But they don’t win … and that matters.
    In 1986, I fell head over heels for the Minnesota Twins. They were a bad ballclub, but I loved the game and I loved the team and I loved the Metrodome (yeah, I know). My dad took me to ten games or so that year, taking time from a very busy work schedule to indulge me. He even took me to Fan Appreciation Night, where Bert Blyleven apologized to the crowd for a disappointing season, adding that he saw the core of a talented club that could bring a World Series to Minnesota in 1987.
    My father audibly groaned. “It’ll never happen,” he said. 
    “What if it does,” I asked.
    “Look, if the Twins go to the World Series next year, I’ll buy us both tickets. But it won’t happen, kid.”
    You know the rest. Like magic, it did happen. And we were there. And my father, a serious man, hooted and cheered and waved like a kid. He loved the Twins more than I had realized, and he’d waited his life for this. When they won Game 7, he paraded me through the streets of Minneapolis on his shoulders. We hugged and high-fived strangers and police officers. We celebrated the success of our local team, a scrappy small market underdog. 
    “Enjoy it” he told me. “Because it’ll never happen again.”
    We did not buy tickets to the 1991 series. We watched all the drama from the comfort of home. But I grew up with an embarrassment of baseball riches. More than that, I have memories of my father - the stoic US Navy veteran and successful man of business - that are priceless. I got to see my father become a kid, just like me, bursting with joy over the game of baseball.
    The years are wearing on him now, and it's hard to know how much time we have left together. We don’t talk Twins much anymore, my father and me. He never watches games and rarely reads the box scores. I tried to sit him down to watch the 2019 Twins take on the Marlins on TV. I hyped him up for the “Bomba Squad” and chose an opponent I was sure the Twins could beat. I wanted him back on the bandwagon with me. I thought a special season was coming together again.
    Newly acquired Sam Dyson blew the lead. Buxton injured his shoulder. The Twins lost 5-4 in extras. But my dad didn’t see it end - he had gone to the garage to tinker with the lawn mower engine. Somehow, he knew that team wasn’t anything special. “Wake me up when they look like a winner again,” he told me.
    So here we are, three years removed from the 2019 season which ended in another postseason whimper. The consolation at the time was that the Twins appeared on the cusp of a breakout - a potential string of AL Central dominance that might lead them deep into the playoffs. Instead, we’ve just witnessed an absolutely epic late-season collapse that will leave them in third place and likely below .500 for the second straight year. Worst to third in the AL Central, particularly after signing the #1 free agent in baseball in the offseason, hardly inspires much hope.
    It’s not that these things don’t happen in baseball, or in all professional sports. It would be foolish to expect the Twins - a mid-market team - to win back-to-back championships every decade, or to be angered by occasional rough seasons or disappointing endings. It’s not so much that the Twins lose, but how they lose - and that they lose when it matters most and even when they seemingly have what they need to succeed - that is so hard to stomach. It’s a culture of losing that has essentially destroyed fan morale and widespread interest in the game here in Minnesota. 
    Here’s what I’m trying to say: It’s not just that the Twins lose, it’s how losing no longer seems to be a problem for the organization. 
    No one who represents the Twins really seems disappointed or upset by what's happened this season. There’s no visible sense of urgency or frustration. The club’s director of communication admonishes critics for any negativity and tells fans to “ride with us,” without acknowledging that the club’s trainwreck bullpen failures made getting back in the fandom car seem like a death wish. “We played our game, we played hard,” is Baldelli’s general mantra after bitter losses, as though professionals being paid hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars shouldn’t be expected to “play hard” as a basic condition of their employment. Instead of playoff wins, we’ve gotten endless strings of excuses: injuries, payroll limitations, called strikes that only seem to pinch our batters, and platitudes about being “almost there” and busy “reloading.”
    What’s that old saying? Sound and fury, signifying nothing. Though scratch that - what I wouldn’t give for even a little well-placed fury from this club. They endlessly preach process, but seem to have no real interest in results.
    Meanwhile, there is an entire generation of young people who have never once seen a Twins playoff victory. They’ve never seen their friends or family members turn giddy at the prospect of coming out on top, of beating the big boys of baseball in late autumn.They’ve never seen the way a playoff run can pull people together and shake up the routine of life. Winning inspires chatter and energy. It changes dull small talk about the weather into tales of late-inning heroics. The perfect throw to the plate to preserve a close lead. The seeing-eye single that brought in the tying run. The walk-off home run that electrifies a city.
    Minnesota is a beautiful state. The Twin Cities represent two vibrant metropolitan centers within a short cross-river drive. Greater Minnesota features majestic beauty and kind-hearted communities. At times, we become two very different kinds of people living in the same state. We sometimes lose a common worldview and a common cause. On top of that, we’ve weathered a pandemic, civil unrest, extreme political division and economic instability. Any of the top professional teams in this state that actually commits to winning - and actually does win when it counts - will find that, beyond their own satisfaction, they’ve added a stitch or two to a sense of unity and pride in the state. 
    Winning gives people relief and hope - even in small ways - and it gives them moments and stories with those they love. Yes, baseball is only a sport and maybe even a dying one, but winning is symbolic. Winning inspires.
    I know I’m cranky. There will soon be any number of articles coming from people who are less cranky about how the Twins had some positive developments this year, and that the FO gave their trades and signings their best shot, and that some prospects took major steps forward, and that winning at the professional level isn’t the only thing that matters. I’m going to shake my head when I read those stories. I may even pound my fist on the table.
    Because damn it, it is.
    Winning is how you measure success in MLB. Winning is the only thing that matters at this level (and please don’t counter with “playing the game fairly is more important,” because that, too, is a basic professional expectation that should go without saying). And the Twins don’t win when it counts. And that matters. And anyone who does not make this the top priority for this team should no longer be involved with this organization. Find out why injuries keep derailing promising prospects. Find out why high-leverage situations at the plate and on the mound keep resulting in failure. Find out why the team looks like roadkill when the Yankees come to town. Find out why the team lacks fundamental skills on the bases and in the field. Focus less on mundane processes and more on getting situational results. Put the team through high-stress drills. Get the players ready for battle, rather than stocked with excuses when they fail.
    Because Coach Beard is right. Winning matters. And it’s been far, far, far too long since the Twins have won anything when it counts.
     
  2. LastOnePicked
    Bruce Brothers' Pioneer Press column on Tuesday's loss contains this quote from GM Terry Ryan, regarding the need to upgrade the 2014 staff:
     
    "I would like to think I'm going to be able to get Gardy some people here."
     
    http://www.twincities.com/twins/ci_24169672/minnesota-twins-have-plenty-issues-91st-loss
     
    This seems to confirm rumors about Gardy's future contract status raised by ESPN 1500's Wolfson, and provides the most clear evidence to date that, at the very least, a one-year extension has already been agreed to, despite Ryan's previous claim that no decision would be made on Gardy's position with the team until after the season.
     
    More to come, I'm sure ...
  3. LastOnePicked
    It was weird to read Reusse’s “Twins Should Show Mercy” article, because we took such radically different paths to come to the same conclusion. Reusse seems to paint Gardy as some kind of victim of poor organizational management, but I see him as part and parcel of that poor management. I found myself wondering if Gardy’s good relationship with the local press has won him some additional cover for the team's poor performance?
     
    I’m completely unpersuaded by the “Gardy’s been given nothing to work with” argument. The man has managed a Cy Young, multiple MVPs, Gold Glovers, former and current All-Stars, a host of high-level prospects and top-quartile payrolls – all without a single AL title to show for it. It seems to me that smarter managers have done a lot more with even a little less.
     
    While it’s true that even the best of managers would find it hard to win with the 2011, 2012 or 2013 starting rotation, Gardy isn’t without some culpability. I have to wonder why Gardy hasn’t been vocal about taking his allegedly supreme managerial talent to another club if the Pohlad’s don’t start opening up the purse strings for a front-line free agent starter? Or to have pulled off a critical trade during the 2000’s playoff runs? His complicity and deference to ownership have not always served the team well, and I see that as another reason for change.
     
    I hear Gardy or Terry Ryan profess their “accountability” for this mess over and over, but I have no idea what that means. Neither are accepting pay cuts, or offering demotions, or considering leaving the organization, or even changing their approach to match crafty, moneyball-minded teams like the As and Rays. What else could accountability mean?
     
    And for all those who say that Gardy ought to have a chance to manage the soon-to-be-champions 2015 Twins, I can only ask, Why do you think the future is going to be different than the past? If, on the off-chance that a majority of our upcoming prospects become successful big-leaguers, and the Twins manage to win a future AL Central flag, they will still have to face the 2015 Yankees or As – or some other powerhouse with deeper pockets, more advanced systems or better pitching. How will the results be different when the philosophy in the dugout remains exactly the same?
     
    In short, firing Gardy should not, and would not, be some kind of public relations move. Winning brings people back to the ballpark, not handing out pink slips. Firing Gardy should be just the first step in forging the Twins Way 2.0 – a new blueprint for another decade of mostly successful season runs, but with the added steps to make the team truly competitive for a league, and even possibly a national, title.
  4. LastOnePicked
    Just for fun, I've gathered up my looking glass, my Ouija board, my Magic 8 ball, and put together a sneak peek into April and May. As I've felt with nearly everything I've predicted for the Twins in the last two years, I hope to heck I'm wrong. Be curious to see what you all think:
     
    April
    Pitching: Starting pitching will be borderline atrocious, sucking any possible enthusiasm from the casual fan base. Worley’s WHIP will be well above 1.60 and Pelfry will be alternately marginally effective and profoundly bad. Hendriks will be terrible, solidifying impressions that he’s strictly a AAAA pitcher. Correia will actually be the surprise, posting an ERA just barely above or below 4.00 and a few surprise wins bolstered by strong offense on the days he pitches. Ryan, in an interview, may declare premature victory in his signing. The bullpen will also have its bumps, including two blown saves by the otherwise-strong Perkins in the closer role, leading to the beginnings of rumblings from the fanbase to consider alternatives.
     
    M & M Update: To the shock of many, Mauer will begin several games at the start of the season hitting 2nd, and he’ll perform statistically strong there. Gardy, however, will look for every routine out as a sign that Mauer is better slotted in the 3-spot, and Mauer will hit there the rest of the season. Morneau will struggle to hit above .250 with 2-3 home runs, leading some to wonder if back stiffness is the culprit, or if the change in batting coach is to blame. He may visit the DL.
     
    The New Kid: Hicks will patrol the outfield well, but will struggle to hit for average, ending the month just above the .230 mark. Gardy will raise every missed relay or slight rookie mistake at the plate in postgame interviews, adding that “Hicksy’s learning.” With Mastroianni playing well, running well and hitting for average, articles about “CF competition,” and Hicks and “service time,” will begin to pop up again.
     
    Summary: Defense is noticeably improved over 2013, but pitching is surprisingly worse. Poor play against the Tigers in the opening series in their series sweep sets the tone for a bad month (Twins officials will maddeningly use the cold weather start as a stock excuse for the team’s poor play and low attendance).
     
    Record: 9-17
     
    Likely DL Candidates: Morneau, Pelfrey, Plouffe
     
    May
    Pitching: Deduno returns to the rotation in late-April/early May, and will quickly lead the starters in K’s. However, his walk rate will continue to frustrate Gardy and cast doubt on his longer-term status with the organization. PJ Walters and Cole DeVries will also be starters in the rotation, offering some hope of stabilizing the back end of the rotation with so-so, but consistent, results. Many in the blogosphere will begin to call out Ryan for returning the Twins nearly to their 2012 rotation disasters, with the noticeable exceptions of Worley (still struggling, but showing slight improvement) and Correia (starting to get knocked around).
     
    Hitting: With Parmalee hitting around .260, Gardy begins to platoon Ramirez more frequently in RF (if he’s not covering for an injured Morneau). Both prove to be serviceable, if unspectacular (5-6 HR between the two of the by the end of the month). Plouffe returns from the DL and retakes 3B from Carroll/Escobar and hits very well, leading all to hope the injury bug has been squashed for good. Hicks improves at the plate somewhat, but talk continues about whether or not he should “get some AAA at-bats,” as GM Ryan suggests in an interview. Mauer leads the AL in OBP. Willingham keeps to a good pace: .275 BA with 8-9 HR over the first two months.
     
    The Mood: A rift between Gardy/Andy and Worley becomes apparent, as frustrations about the bad start linger into late spring. Dozier’s solid play and competitive-but-supportive attitude start positioning him as something of a clubhouse leader, and his outstanding play at 2B clearly stands out as a highlight of the first two months. The fans that remain attached to the team are calling for Gardy’s firing more loudly than ever, while Ryan defends him, saying that “we can’t let a cold start and some injuries be the reason why we push this guy out the door.” Ryan clarifies later, conceding that his evaluations of players and coaches are ongoing, and that things “have to get turned around here pretty quickly.”
     
    The Skinny: The record improves, but not by much. Tears in the 2013 blueprint are now painfully obvious, and it appears that some of the young arms in the system may be getting their shot sooner rather than later. Gibson, unfortunately, continues not to be ready for a big-league start. The noticeable successes of Gomez, Hardy, Ramos and even, to a degree, Slowey keep the spector of the Smith era at the forefront of many fan rants. All eyes are now firmly on the play and development of the top prospects in the minors, as division contention is, by all indications, clearly out of reach.
     
    Record: 21-34
     
    Coming Up in May: June and July preview (in which I predict we see a characteristic summer hot streak for the Twins that helps them flirt with .500, tragically swaying Ryan towards hints of a contract extension for Gardy).
  5. LastOnePicked
    Hello Folks. This is my first blog post on TD, and, as such, it's probably got some holes. Thanks anyway for reading:
     
    It’s been a tough time for Twins fans. Back to back near 100-loss seasons has soured much of the joy of a new outdoor park, and familiar, fan favorite players have made their exits via free agency or trade. Rightfully, the Twins are trying to ready themselves for the coming season, and not dwell on the mountain of on-the-field and front-office failures. Terry Ryan recently cut off talk of the 2011 and 2012 seasons in an ESPN 1500 interview, saying curtly, “We’re past that now -- that’s behind us.” Quickly, he tried to steer conversation to the ways the team is trying to get back on track.
     
    It fairly easy to get the sense that the Twins top brass feel that they’ve only recently come into a streak of some poor play bad luck – that they’re a championship-caliber, successful franchise that is merely going through a short “down cycle.” The problem with this line of thinking is that it keeps the team and its fans in a kind of insular bubble. Focusing on Ron Gardenhire’s winning percentage or the number of AL Central Division Championship flags flapping above right field obscures an uglier reality – one the organization should be facing openly, and should have been dealing with for the last half-decade: The Twins are not a competitive organization, and haven’t been one for quite some time.
     
    Before you run to your closet to pull out your collections of 2000’s era ALDS souvenirs to prove me wrong, consider this: in the last ten years, only four teams in all of Major League Baseball have won fewer playoff games than the Twins: Toronto, Kansas City, Seattle and Pittsburgh. For all of the fanfare over our Twin Titles in ’87 and ’91, the Twins will soon be entering their longest league title drought in franchise history, and that includes their time in Washington DC. To make matters worse, the closest Twins fans have gotten to cheering on their hometown boys in the last twenty years has been watching cast-offs like David Ortiz, Matt Garza, and even (gulp) Delmon Young put up MVP-caliber performances in championship situations.
     
    To be fair, the Twins were within striking distance of a league championship season in 2006 and 2010, but the front office did virtually nothing to address their greatest needs: putting another high-profile strikeout pitcher on the mound and/or another big bopper in the lineup. The actions they did take during this period, however, (see: trading away talented young players like Garza, Bartett, Ramos, and Hardy while replacing them with an assortment of recently DFA’d players, bargain-bin veterans and poorly-scouted international signings) weakened an already-weak system, and treated fans to some of the most poorly played baseball games this side of Midway Stadium. And despite the recent rallying cry that “things are changing” within the organization, the recent signings of Mike Pelfrey and Kevin Correia and the non-signings of Edwin Jackson and Torii Hunter proves that, well, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
     
    So why? Why the continued belief that the Twins are a winning organization? It’s a hard question to answer as an outsider. I don’t have access to the communication patterns in the clubhouse, or the conversations that take place in Ryan’s office. I can only make educated guesses, based on my degree in organizational communication and the countless hours I’ve spent reading and listening to preseason and post-game interviews. But based on what I’ve got, here’s what I think: there are three main problems with this organization, and they have nothing to do with individual failings or character flaws but rather they are rooted in the team’s culture: the “Twins Way” as they often call it.
     
    Problem #1) The Gardy/Andy Formula
    A few years back, I read a Sports Illustrated article that laid out the history that Ron Gardenhire and Rick Anderson shared, and how each of these men, during their stints in the bigs, saw an angle in the game that they thought few others had seen. Indeed, as they became the top coaches for the Twins, their rigid insistence on low-profile, pitch-to-contact pitchers and scrappy, slap-hitting batters has been made the modus operandi for the last decade. And this formula was consistent with the Twins’ 2000-era franchise identity: a low-profile, small market team that might beat you, even if you don’t know how they did it. For awhile, this practice actually enjoyed modest success. The problem, as we all know now, is that it cannot win championships and, like all formulas, it ceases to be effective when others teams know exactly what you’re planning and doing.
     
    Problem #2) Only “Good Teammates” and Nice Guys Need Apply
    In 2009, during a heated pennant race, reliever Jose Mijares made a questionable decision in retaliating against the Tigers. However, the pitch Mijares made was a statement pitch, and never hit its target Adam Everett. Delmon Young, however, got plunked in a following frame. This kind of tit-for-tat baseball isn’t uncommon during pennant runs, but the Twins’ reaction was: Gardenhire and Young couldn’t spend enough time pinning the blame on Mijares, calling his pitch a “selfish act,” and throwing Mijares under the team’s proverbial bus. Despite being an effective and affordable reliever today, one the Twins could have used in place of jettisoning a prospect in favor of Matt Capps, Mijares was quickly dropped from the team.
     
    On it’s own it’s nothing more than a personnel move, one of thousands made by all the big league clubs. But it fits a pattern of behavior for the team, one that reinforces either an implicit or explicit rule: no fight, no trouble, play nice.
     
    Listening to Orlando Cabrera’s interview after the 2009 Game 163 against the Tigers, I get chills. Here was a player absolutely thrilled by the prospect of beating a tough team in a close situation. Cabrera was tough, he seemed chatty, he was a competitor and had playoff experience to back up his talk. To no one’s surprise, he did not fit into the team’s plans for the following year, not even as a back-up or mentor to the middle infielders the Twins were grooming for the future. I can’t think of a single interview with a current Twins player that reveals a similar intensity. And their play on the field reflects this rule; the Twins do not and will not protect their own when they get intimidation pitches by the opposition (with the notable exception of Scott Diamond last year, and it may explain why a guy with such a low ceiling gets such support for his spot in the rotation with the fans). The Twins are not vocal or verbal about their territory or their skills, and they are fairly quick to grind down any such “rough edges” on their young players. A low-key, quiet clubhouse would perhaps be understandable on a team with trophies under its belt and little to prove, but its surprising that, even when being robbed of an extra-inning double during a playoff game in New York, Twins players can scarcely be seen mustering a shrug when faced with adversity and challenge from other teams. And that behavior stands in stark contrast to the style of play of the championship teams of ’87 and ’91, when players like Hrbek took every opportunity to irritate baserunners, players like Gaetti celebrated playoff wins with declarations that they would “trash the field” of the opponents and players like Puckett invited teammates to climb aboard their broad shoulders on their way to a pennant or trophy.
     
    Problem #3) Making Them All Fit the Mold
    When Livan Hernandez arrived with the club in 2006, Gardy quickly spotted a serious problem with his delivery: his earring. Hernandez broke two team rules during his first warm-up and Gardy was worried about the damaging presence of “bling-blings” on the field. “We’re going to have to mold him into our kind of guy” was Gardenhire’s comment to the press.
     
    Clearly, within the last decade, there has emerged a Twins prototypical player: he’s more likely than not white, he’s fairly thin, he’s “scrappy” but quiet, he stays out of the news, he trusts his coaching staff. Whether he’s a batter or a pitcher, he should avoid strikeouts and keep the bat on the ball. And he should be seen by the team as motivated to play. It’s that simple. The problem is that people are not that simple, and teams are made up of people from different experiences, with different values and modes of expression. This truth has typically made the Twins uncomfortable, and it’s no surprise that, failing to develop Latino/Hispanic talent on par with their rivals (because that would require them to, among other things, work more closely with translators and to understand the way a player’s culture can shape and even contribute to a player’s success), the Twins invested scouting resources in regions of the world more in line with their way of being: Europe and Australia. It’s also no surprise that the Twins have avoided African-American or Latino/Hispanic players in free agency.
     
    I want to make this clear: this is not an accusation of racism; it is natural for organizations to fall into a groupthink mentality, and to seek similarity while expelling difference. And while this process almost always limits an organization’s chances for success, the Twins have been fully convinced that they are already successful, and that this fit-the mold approach has been the reason for their success. Local media figures have even helped this delusion along, often parroting the team’s talking points that their playoff failures and regular season disasters have been brought about by bum luck, big-money competition or natural baseball cycles, rather than abject mismanagement and rigid adherence to a faulty philosophy. All the while, potentially successful players or outstanding prospects have been passed by or pushed out of the system, all because they didn’t fit the mold.
     
    That’s my thinking, anyway. But is it really all bad at 1 Twins Way? The Twins front-office staff often note how much other teams admire and respect the Twins. And I believe them. Not only do members of the Twins organization routinely avoid controversy and criminal proceedings, players and staff alike genuinely seem like nice people. But, and it almost pains me to say this because I’m from the Midwest and I like people who are nice, but I’m not sure that having others like you is a sure sign of your success. Similarly, people like Gardy because, although he’s from the south, he exudes Midwest values and clichés. “Keep your head down and your mouth shut,” “don’t take nothin’ for granted,” “be scrappy,” “get after it,” -- he’s a walking advertisement for a region’s work ethic. But, during this year’s coming postseason, watch carefully. Is this the way you’d describe the management and play of the top teams? No, I suspect you’ll find that some of the players are quiet, some are brash, some are scrappy, and some can’t get enough of the spotlight. The manager of these teams will hold them all together because he keeps his focus on winning ballgames with the players he’s got. The GM of these teams will have brought these players together because he sought the greatest talent and the greatest indications of success from each of them, regardless of reports about whether they’d be “good teammates.” When you watch teams in the 2013 or 2014 postseason, I can guarantee you two things: 1) you’ll notice quite a different style of play than you see in the hometown team and 2) you won’t be watching the Twins.
     
    There is faint hope in the future. The Twins have brought in Brunansky and Cuellar, each of whom represents a dimension the Twins have been missing: a player from the championship years with guts who will now have direct access to player’s approach at the plate and a bullpen coach whose personality and culture may help him connect more closely to the organization’s outsiders. If these men are given a chance to impact the talent on the field, those players then might just impact the organization’s culture. This might allow the highly-touted prospects to develop with a little swagger in their steps and fire in their eyes, all while they learn plate discipline and self-control. And, if the shift takes hold, Ryan can finally step away from his obligations (it’s clear that Ryan is currently staying in the position out of a sense of duty, not because he enjoys being GM, and that’s a bad thing long-term for any organization) and turn the reigns over to a predecessor – perhaps even someone from the Rays or A’s organization, who is willing to place a bit more stock in intelligent player evaluation than in personality scouting reports. And if that happens, the Twins might actually look a lot more like they did in ’87 and ’91 – a raw team of potential champions, and a team most rivals wouldn’t dare to call an “EZ-Pass” in the playoffs. That’s the hope, anyway.
  6. LastOnePicked
    If you're not into satire, or if you're easily angered by talk of Minnesota Nice, please don't read this. All others, please enjoy:
     
    Yup, you betcha! Gardy is back, right where he should be. Sure, it took me awhile to understand it, but that’s just because I’ve been spending too much time watching other “coastal” teams like the As and Rays. That’s a big no-no. I need to keep my attention at home, right where my folks always told me to keep it.
     
    You see, from a true Minnesotan’s perspective, bringing back Gardy makes all kinds of sense. In fact, in Minnesota, the word "Gardy" actually means manager. You can hear it in the halls of some of Minnesota’s top companies: "I’ve gotta go see my Gardy for my annual performance review.” And you can hear the response from coworkers in their cubes as he walks down the hall “Go on! Get after it!” Why confuse the good people of Minnesota by forcing them to think about another word for manager, like "Molitor," or "Glynn," or … "Martinez" (hey, let’s not go crazy now).
     
    Sure, he’s had some bad seasons, but in Minnesota, “bad” and “season” are our two most commonly used words. Besides, Minnesota is the land of misplaced optimism and 10,000 chances. What else could explain such odd cultural phrases as, say, Vikings playoff excitement or Timberwolves draft party? Not successful? Don’t worry so much. In Minnesota, we know all too well that getting to the big games and enjoying the limelight are overrated anyway. Just ask Walter Mondale or Tim Pawlenty.
     
    Besides, we’re a health conscious state, and the proud home of the Mayo Clinic. Turns out, we learned some pretty tough lessons with our last run of baseball success (or should I say “excess”?). The playoff series of 1987 and 1991 left countless numbers of our people exhausted, hoarse and with at least temporary hearing loss. Productivity at workplaces and schools suffered, and to make matters worse, we willfully polluted our beautiful downtown streets with pounds and pounds of shredded paper landfill. Some of our young people even stayed up past 10:00pm! Is that really the way we want to live in this state? I don’t think so. And don’t forget, we don’t even have a roof on our home park anymore. Playoff baseball would just let October’s deadly chill sink into the lungs of every single fan at Target Field, as it did for two games in 2010. Fortunately, the resigning of Gardy is a clear statement from management that this should never happen again.
     
    And really, we HAD to resign Gardenhire. After all, not extending his contract after it had ended is practically the same thing as firing the poor guy, and that’s just a place none of us wanted to go. So hurtful! Besides, it’d clearly be wrong to treat a southern guest and Oklahoma native so callously, particularly one who likes fishing our lakes. Minnesota nice!
     
    Now some say that there is a wave of talented immigrant Latino ballplayers on their way up, and I say who better than Gardy to anglicize their names with fun pronunciations and a y-sound at the end? Besides, we need somebody to assist them with cultural acclimation, and it’s reassuring to know that, even if J.O. Berrios (that’s kind of flashy -- can we just call him “Joey”?) isn’t entirely fluent, he’ll still know how to say “I threw the living fire out of the ball” and “they just got after it more than we did” in perfect English. And not to worry, if it turns out that this new crop of players can’t adapt to the Twins Way (hallowed be that phrase), we can always trade them in for utility infielders and established closers.
     
    So, dontcha know, where once I was lost, now I am found. Terry Ryan, whose stern presence and no-nonsense talk reminds us all that, after all, baseball isn’t supposed to be fun, made the right choice. Bringing Ron Gardenhire back after zero league pennants and three straight 90+ loss seasons may seem odd to outsiders, but it’s fundamentally, exclusively, quintessentially Minnesotan.
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