Dark Forces Aligned Against Twins: 'There Is No Offseason'

Minnesota’s inglorious playoff exit this October had no small share of culprits, but the dark forces aligned against the Twins want to make it clear: the unjuiced playoff baseball was a key factor.

“Given their lack of pitching depth and a very patient Yankees lineup, we knew they had an uphill battle to begin with,” said a spokesperson for Twins, Over Many Many Years, Have to Experience Revulsion, Regret (TOMMYHERR). “But we couldn’t leave anything to chance. They hit a lot of home runs in 2019. We needed to do something about it and we did. We deserve some credit.”

The “dead” postseason baseball is just the beginning of TOMMYHERR’s work.

“Their lineup is stacked, their farm system is loaded, and they have the money to fix their rotation,” said the spokesperson, who declined to give a name and wore a Yankees jersey with CUZZI LOL LOL emblazoned above the number 666 on the back. “The Twins have a chance to contend for a few years at least, and we need to be ready to mess with them. For us, there is no offseason.”

Although TOMMYHERR declined to give precise plans for any future actions against Minnesota (“The pain needs to be fresh and unexpected, it just hurts so much more that way"), they did mention there were many options on the table in the event of a 2020 playoff berth, including:

• The Old Testament.
  
• Making Minnesota’s bats all splinter-y by the handles and hiding the tweezers.
  
• Teams from the northernmost state only get one outfielder now, competition committee must have forgotten to tell you. Rules are rules though.
  
• Robot umpires programmed by Hunter Wendelstedt.
  
• Target Field home locker room used as stable for horses trained to kick and bite.
  

The spokesperson was asked why TOMMYHERR would wait until October to sabotage the Minnesota Twins, rather than midseason or even Spring Training.

“As we saw this year, building up people’s hopes only to watch them crumble like rocks into the sea is glorious agony,” said the spokesperson, who smelled faintly of sulfur and did not have a reflection. “The fans and the team itself really were convinced they could defeat the Yankees. It was remarkable. The devastation was exquisite. I don’t know how we can top it, but that’s the thing about baseball: There’s always next year.”