Twins Current 40-Man Roster Projection Just a Plaintive Howl of Longing, Despair

[RandBalls Stu]

“The machine doesn’t usually do this,” said the analyst.

Image courtesy of © Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

With the calendar reading 2023, it’s hard not to think of spring training. And with a free agent class essentially picked clean and the trade rumors silent, it’s hard not to wonder who, exactly, is going to be on the Minnesota Twins come April. At least one source has run the numbers and is startled at the findings.

“Usually, I base these outlooks on the current roster, the farm system, free agents, the needs of other teams, and payroll,” said Aaron Gleeman, The Athletic’s Minnesota Twins correspondent and world record holder for most takeout duck sauce packets in one refrigerator (354). “The thing is, what always comes back is a major league roster. This time…”

Gleeman’s voice trailed off.

“Here, I’ll open the spreadsheet.”

Rather than columns of names, positions, ages, and salaries, the screen cut to black, a black as eternal and smothering as a starless winter night. From the laptop speakers came what at first sounded like a low moan. It soon escalated into a mournful, broken howl. The sound, not quite human, not quite animal, made clear it was no stranger to the depths of sorrow.

After 25-30 seconds, the sound ended. A picture of former Twin Chuck Knoblauch getting pelted with hot dogs at the Metrodome appeared, and Twins radio broadcaster Dan Gladden said, “This roster projection brought to you by Minnesota Rusco, since 1965.”

“I can’t explain any of this,” said Gleeman. “I mean, I’m as skeptical of the state of the roster right now as anyone, but I just kinda figured it would come back with Michael Wacha and Elvis Andrus or something, you know? The machine doesn’t usually do this.”

Fellow beat writers and columnists report similar troubling results.

“I had to file my first spring training preview for Sunday’s paper,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “I sent it to my editors, and they said, ‘Ha ha, very funny.’ I asked them to clarify, and they said ‘This is the Book of Revelations, Phil.’ I checked the original document, and sure enough. Nothing about what I wrote on Royce Lewis, but a whole sidebar regarding pestilence.”

“I heard about Aaron’s issue so figured I’d just take a look at my own files,” said Betsy Helfand of the Pioneer Press. “All my notes are there, but they’re in Latin. The letters are blood red. I don’t know any Latin, and Alden Global Capital (the hedge fund that owns the Pioneer Press) doesn’t give us laptops that display color.”

The Twins open their spring training schedule on Saturday, February 25th.

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[mikelink45]

Let's begin with the fact that it is February,  The month of groundhogs.  Yes the Twins roster is a mess, we call that Deja Vue.  Except the ground hog looked at this roster and decided to swing left handed and start digging holes in the OF since we can never have enough left handers out there.  He took a few swing and missed - leading him to believe he once again cracked the formula for being a Twins OF.  

February is also the shortest month of the year so we can get through our anguish quicker.  By March we will have found some savvy old vets that we know we can restore to their glory and all will be well.  By that time Gallo will have made contact with the ball for the first time and be too amazed to run.  

The British Museum provides us with the basis of hope - "February is named after an ancient Roman festival of purification called Februa" Then comes reality when the god of war - Mars comes MARCHing in.

[Dennesey55347]

I went straight from this article to a Google search of the "top prospects" for 2024. Doesn't appear to be a future HOF but a franchise player is possible with our top 5 pick.

[Hrbeks Divot]

Brilliant!

[chpettit19]

3 minutes ago, Hrbeks Divot said:

Brilliant!

Welcome to Twins Daily!

[Brock Beauchamp]

This is probably Stu’s finest work yet.

I lost it at this:

I asked them to clarify, and they said ‘This is the Book of Revelations, Phil.’

[Reptevia]

“Rather than columns of names, positions, ages, and salaries, the screen cut to black, a black as eternal and smothering as a starless winter night. From the laptop speakers came what at first sounded like a low moan. It soon escalated into a mournful, broken howl. The sound, not quite human, not quite animal, made clear it was no stranger to the depths of sorrow.”  This paragraph isn’t up to your usually high standards. I did like ‘no stranger to the depths of sorrow”  and the rest of the essay though. 

[wsnydes]

The visual I have in my head as the spreadsheet opens and the speakers start howling is very similar to the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark (***spoilers ahead***) where they open the ark and everyone's face melts.

[Ex-Iowegian]

“From the laptop speakers came what at first sounded like a low moan. It soon escalated into a mournful, broken howl. The sound, not quite human, not quite animal…”
If you play it back in reverse at a very slow speed, it sounds remarkably like an entire stadium chanting “ooooooo berrrrr… ooooooo berrrr”

[midwestgolfman]

What do you get when you give the keys to a major league baseball team to a couple ivy leaguers who follow analytics like they're playing Stratomatic in their basement?   You get MLB's version of Dumb and Dumber.     

[chpettit19]

23 minutes ago, midwestgolfman said:

What do you get when you give the keys to a major league baseball team to a couple ivy leaguers who follow analytics like they're playing Stratomatic in their basement?   You get MLB's version of Dumb and Dumber.     

Who are you referring to? Cuz it can't be the Twins FO. Neither of their leaders went to ivy league schools. Falvey went to Trinity College (that's in the New England Small College Athletic Conference). And Levine went to Haverford College (that's a lovely DIII school in the Centennial Conference).

As of 2020, almost half of the league's top baseball execs were ivy leaguers, though. Maybe the problem is the Twins didn't hire ivy leaguers who follow analytics like they're playing stratomatic in their basement. You know, guys like Theo Epstein (he went to Yale and is widely considered one of the best GMs/Baseball presidents of the last 2 decades where he implemented a ton of analytics in his departments which lead to multiple World Series titles).