Joe Mauer's Guide to the Minnesota State Fair

[RandBalls Stu]

NOTE: RandBall’s Stu is moving his youngest child to college this weekend. He asked former Twins great Joe Mauer to step in and write about the great Minnesota get-together. Thanks for helping out, Joe!

 

Joe Mauer Reviews Minnesota State Fair Attractions

“I don’t really like spicy food, but it’s cool what they do with butter.”

NOTE: RandBall’s Stu is moving his youngest child to college this weekend. He asked former Twins great Joe Mauer to step in and write about the great Minnesota get-together. Thanks for helping out, Joe!

Hey guys, it’s Joe Mauer from St. Paul. Like a lot of you I love going to the State Fair. If you’re new to Minnesota or haven’t gone in a while, here are some cool things to do.

THE GIANT SLIDE
A lot of you probably saw that picture of me and the kids on the Giant Slide last week. It was a pretty cool deal, but I made sure we hopped on right when we got there, before eating any of the food. When I was a kid, Jake (Mauer, Joe’s brother) got on it after eating a bunch of Fresh French Fries and he got a stomachache. We had to leave early so he wouldn’t barf. Mom was so steamed.

THE BUTTER SCULPTURE
I don’t really like spicy food or carving things (“Knives are the devil’s middle finger,” Mom says), but it’s cool what they do with butter.

SWEET MARTHA’S COOKIES
They give you a whole bucket of chocolate chip cookies! Las Vegas is supposed to be this cool, anything-goes city but I’ve been there, and guess what? No cookie bucket. What happens in Falcon Heights stays in Falcon Heights.

THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE
Went in here with (former Twins player and coach) Scott Ullger one time. Said one of the monarchs disrespected him. The next day he waved Jason Kubel home even though the shortstop had the ball. I don’t want to talk about it.

THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH CENTER
Mom doesn’t let us go in here but I’ve heard it’s pretty wild!

4-H BARN
Lotta cute animals if that’s your thing. It smells kinda like that one time Corey Koskie ate Indian food in Fort Myers, so just know that going in. Pretty strong!

THE HAUNTED HOUSE
Not a chance!

THE MIDWAY
I keep winning all the big prizes at the throwing games and the carnies get mad at me. Also if anyone wants 17 giant stuffed tigers shoot me a DM.

ALL YOU CAN DRINK MILK
Holy cow! LOL, pun intended. Brother, you can sit me down there all day with a cold glass of 1% and keep them coming! Everyone there calls me “Norm.” I don’t correct them, figure they have their reasons.

PRONTO PUPS
You guys know I’m not a guy who’s going to do a bunch of hot takes, but I’m just going to say it: Pronto pups are the real deal. Lotta pals love corn dogs, Glen Perkins says they’re “the glizzy” and I’m pretty sure that’s a Stillwater swear. For me, though? A pronto pup with just a bit of ketchup. Too much of the big red will get you antsy in the pantsy. Go easy.

Thanks for reading!

Image license here.

 

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[nclahammer]

Milk squirting out my nose funny.  Well played.

[strumdatjag]

I love the State Fair.  But - bring back Zambora the Gorilla Girl to the Midway (the version where the Gorilla escapes - not the sanitized version).   Meanwhile, the Twins could have a better exhibit (I don’t even know if they have one!). 

[LA VIkes Fan]

Zambora the gorilla girl? I should not admit this but I’m in my early 60s and I remember Zambora the gorilla girl from going to the state fair when I was a teenager. That can’t still exist. And you’re right, the one  where she escaped is much better than the sanitized version. More pathos, more drama, just better. Period. 

[DJL44]

I'm stealing "Stillwater swear".

[Dave The Dastardly]

Haven't gone to the State Fair in years. Used to be about rural life now it's all about the food. Bunch of animals!

[D. Hocking]

27 minutes ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

Haven't gone to the State Fair in years. Used to be about rural life now it's all about the food. Bunch of animals!

And egocentric celebrities like Mauer who inconvenience everyone by closing down the Dairy Barn for hours so he and his entourage can have it all to themselves as he drinks his milk from a crystal champagne glass.

[ashbury]

3 hours ago, D. Hocking said:

And egocentric celebrities like Mauer who inconvenience everyone by closing down the Dairy Barn for hours so he and his entourage can have it all to themselves as he drinks his milk from a crystal champagne glass.

Well played.

[Hosken Bombo Disco]

3 hours ago, D. Hocking said:

And egocentric celebrities like Mauer who inconvenience everyone by closing down the Dairy Barn for hours so he and his entourage can have it all to themselves as he drinks his milk from a crystal champagne glass.

I found out later that the reason traffic was so bad that day, was because of Mauer’s motorcade had closed down the streets  

[RickOShea]

Methinks the aroma of jealousy is wafting in the air.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

On 9/2/2022 at 6:45 AM, RandBalls Stu said:

ALL YOU CAN DRINK MILK
Holy cow! LOL, pun intended. Brother, you can sit me down there all day with a cold glass of 1% and keep them coming! Everyone there calls me “Norm.” I don’t correct them, figure they have their reasons.

I remember this fondly from my youth, although my parents didn't let me try until just before we left.

 

It was a quarter, and the limiting factors were how that they served an ounce or two sized cup at a time, and it was really cold. So i only had 6 or 7 before we had to go. I will always regret not finding my limits, but my parents probably have no regrets...

[USAFChief]

So I come here for satire, and I get straight reporting??

[ashbury]

25 minutes ago, USAFChief said:

So I come here for satire, and I get straight reporting??

Sometimes I don't think you take this site seriously enough.  Other times, though, I do.

[D. Hocking]

On 9/2/2022 at 2:57 PM, Hosken Bombo Disco said:

I found out later that the reason traffic was so bad that day, was because of Mauer’s motorcade had closed down the streets  

I think the real issue for the traffic back-up, is that the motorcade would not go faster than five miles below the speed limit, would not run any yellow lights, and would stop traffic anytime an old lady wanted to cross the street.