"The rush of acquiring and sending away assets is unbeatable. We’re hooked, baby,” said a manic Falvey.

The pace of the Twins offseason went from zero to 100 once the lockout ended, with a flurry of moves by Minnesota’s management duo (President of Baseball Ops Derek Falvey and GM Thad Levine) leading to a radically different opening day lineup.

And the pace has not slowed down.

Shortly after moving closer Taylor Rogers and prospect Brent Rooker to the Padres for pitchers Chris Paddack and Emilio Pagan, the team announced that they traded team mascot TC Bear to the Jacksonville (FL) Zoo and Gardens. In return, they’re receiving a significant number of snakes, reptiles, and other creatures.

“I’m just going to come right out and say that I don’t know what we’re going to do with a half-dozen Burmese pythons,” said Falvey. “But we hadn’t made a trade in a good 2-3 hours, and the rush of acquiring and sending away assets is unbeatable. We’re hooked, baby!”

Levine, who said he hasn’t slept since Monday afternoon, was equally enthused if unclear about the trade.

“Do you know if a monitor lizard is cool with letting relievers ride him out of the bullpen,” said Levine. “I don’t want to get on PETA’s radar, but I’ll be honest, I don’t know where we’re going to put him otherwise. GOD I LOVE TRADING, CAN’T BEAT IT.”

Neither Falvey nor Levine would comment on the fact that TC Bear is not a real bear, but in fact a person in a pretend bear costume who is being sent to a zoo to live among real bears that will likely visit mind-bending violence upon him.

“He’s dealing with it as best he can,” said a source close to the man who wears the costume. “Is it as bad as when (former Twin) Andrelton Simmons demanded to speak to the mayor of the talking bear village where TC Bear lives about repealing their mask mandate? No. Still, the threat of mauling is one he takes seriously.”

The team says there are no further moves in the offing, and rumors that Minnesota is trading an old Metrodome urinal trough for a shoebox of expired prescription drugs are unfounded but they're very open to it and would throw in a gently-used Mike Maksudian.

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That would be the last straw.  T. C. needs to be an untouchable player.

This is crazy.  Have they not seen TC hit softballs out of the park before games?  No snake or lizard will touch that performance.

"Neither Falvey nor Levine would comment on the fact that TC Bear is not a real bear, but in fact a person in a pretend bear costume....."

LIES!!!

When asked if these new creatures will increase or decrease the Twins' chances, Falvine responded, "they're adders."

40 minutes ago, Bigfork Twins Guy said:

This is crazy.  Have they not seen TC hit softballs out of the park before games?  No snake or lizard will touch that performance.

And they aren't going to be stealing too many bases either...  

55 minutes ago, LewFordLives said:

"Neither Falvey nor Levine would comment on the fact that TC Bear is not a real bear, but in fact a person in a pretend bear costume....."

LIES!!!

Oh, no.  He's a furry!!!!!  Who knew?!?!

"they’re receiving a significant number of snakes, reptiles, and other creatures."

Didn't we have an eagle attack an opponent starting pitcher a while back in a pregame ceremony gone wrong? That was genius. I can definitely see similar uses for the haul they got back. Good trade.

I heard one of the reptiles is the Turtle.

1 hour ago, LewFordLives said:

"Neither Falvey nor Levine would comment on the fact that TC Bear is not a real bear, but in fact a person in a pretend bear costume....."

LIES!!!

Relax. RS writes satire. 

 

We all know TC is real.

Great headline ?

 

Hopefully TC Bear can get some teeth with his new team.

I think many people don’t realize this, but T.C. Was going to be a free agent next year and the Twins were not interested in giving T.C. The amount of honey he can get on the open market. Those snakes have very team friendly deals and are under team control for well into the future. Sure, you could question the wisdom behind bringing in a cold blooded reptile into Minnesota in early April to be your new mascot, but the terms of the deal are too good to pass up. 

38 minutes ago, Toe Knee said:

I think many people don’t realize this, but T.C. Was going to be a free agent next year and the Twins were not interested in giving T.C. The amount of honey he can get on the open market. Those snakes have very team friendly deals and are under team control for well into the future. Sure, you could question the wisdom behind bringing in a cold blooded reptile into Minnesota in early April to be your new mascot, but the terms of the deal are too good to pass up. 

Great points, and welcome to the site!

I'd add that bear mascots tend to have a lot of trouble after they get their big-honey contract:

2 hours ago, USAFChief said:

Relax. RS writes satire. 

 

We all know TC is real.

BS. Everyone knows it's Kent Hrbek wearing a form fitting bear costume.

A bear never made sense as the Twins mascot anyhow. *runs and hides*

It came from the Hamm's Bear.

1 hour ago, sandbun said:

A bear never made sense as the Twins mascot anyhow. *runs and hides*

1 hour ago, RpR said:

It came from the Hamm's Bear.

You mean the runs?

 

Yeah, hate to see him go, but with his free agent status coming up next season and the fact that his softball crushing prowess has been slipping the last couple of seasons (his Mascot WAR has been slipping toward no more than league average) we all could see a change coming.  I heard a rumor the Tampa Bay Rays may buy his contract from that zoo and stick him in the middle of their lineup now that they traded Austin Meadows.  If Tampa is sniffing around TC Bear, you have to be a little worried the Twins cut bait too soon on the furry power hitter.  We can't have a Wolf, or even a Wild Wolf.  Can't have a Viking or a Gopher.  A Lynx would be cool but I heard that's not available.  So I wonder what is possible ?

Time for the RETURN OF TWINKIE THE LOON!