State of Minnesota Relaxes Guidelines for Yelling at Twins

[RandBalls Stu]

"We’re almost to the finish line, Minnesota. Together, we can do this.”Citing increased vaccination rates and falling COVID numbers, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announced new metrics for roasting the hell out of the Minnesota Twins.

 

“I’m incredibly proud of the work Minnesotans have done in getting us to this point,” said Walz. “The epic failure of the Minnesota Twins in the first month of the season deserves a vigorous, full-throated response. And soon all of us will be able to provide it.”

 

Walz revealed a graduated plan that will allow all Minnesotans to beat the holy hell out of the underperforming 11-19 squad no later than July 1^st.

 

PHASE 1

 

May 7:

• Fully vaccinated individuals can gather to craft “FIRE ROCCO” signage for use at home games before ushers remove them.
• Non-vaccinated or partially vaccinated individuals can write strongly worded posts on social media about the subpar play of Max Kepler, Miguel Sano, and Jorge Polanco.
• Minnesotans age 21 and older can take one (1) day off work at full pay, citing an “epic hangover, dude” after watching the bullpen crumble.
• Gleeman and the Geek listeners can get 25% off their first month of the Calm app. Use code “YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD ONE ACL BECKY? BATMAN. BATMAN HAD ONE ACL, BECKY” to subscribe.

PHASE 2

 

May 28:

• All Minnesotans can gather indoors to be sad about baseball. Mask up if the group is 500+.
• All Minnesotans can yell at the sky about how unfair the injuries to Alex Kiriloff, Luis Arraez, or Byron Buxton are. Faith-based prayer and or cursing also acceptable and encouraged.
• Full-on heave crying in fully ventilated areas now permitted. Masks preferred but not required.
• If Minnesotans are choosing between an illegal stream of the Twins game or watching Twister on HBO, watching Twister on HBO is now recommended. Bill Paxton would have wanted it this way. Also way less spyware on the HBOMax app.
• Gleeman and the Geek listeners can get a free personal grooming kit from Harrys.com. Use the code “FIGHT ME, BUSTER OLNEY” to take advantage of this special offer.

PHASE 3

 

July 1:

• If things are still bad, all Minnesotans can gather at the Blue Mounds State Park in Luverne to light a cleansing fire. It all burns in the fire. Snacks and refreshments will be provided. Corey Koskie will probably be there?
• Twins fans who are also Vikings fans can shift their focus to demanding Kellen Mond replace Kirk Cousins at quarterback even in poorly ventilated Willy McCoy's bar areas.

 

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[strumdatjaguar]

The Twins may see lower attendance AFTER the restrictions are lifted. If they keep playing like this we will need “social distancing” from them more than any time during the crappy pandemic.

[USAFChief]

Masks now optional at Target Field, but paper bags over your head mandatory for anyone in seats designated as "in background view of center field, on deck circle, and bullpen TV cameras. Paper bags optional for all others. Cut out eye holes in bags will not exceed 2.5 inches in diameter. Drawing mask on bag with sharpie for comedic effect not permitted. That would be funny...once."

[Brock Beauchamp]

“Use the code “FIGHT ME, BUSTER OLNEY” to take advantage of this special offer.”

 

Literal LOL.

[ashbury]

May 7: All posts pertaining to the Twins on social media are required to include the phrase "teh analyticses" to point up the negative correlation of Covid-19 vaccines to team performance.

 

May 28: The letters A, N, A, and L must be capitalized in such posts.

[Rosterman]

I'm hoping the Twins decide to let relievers start the games and let the starter finish the last 4-5 innings. Maybe that will work.

 

[twinbythebay]

Has there been any word yet on a possible vaccine to prevent the bullpen from vomiting all over themselves in the late innings?

[adjacent]

 

Masks now optional at Target Field, but paper bags over your head mandatory for anyone in seats designated as "in background view of center field, on deck circle, and bullpen TV cameras. Paper bags optional for all others. Cut out eye holes in bags will not exceed 2.5 inches in diameter. Drawing mask on bag with sharpie for comedic effect not permitted. That would be funny...once."

Also, if you are in the bleachers over left, center or right field (or the Plaza) when the bullpen is ptching, a helmet is not required but recommended

[Dodecahedron]

Thank you, Minnesota, for loosening these restrictions.

 

Twister is a good choice for this article. Everyone thought that movie was great when it came out. You have to see it, everyone said, it's so awesome, such wonderful special effects. When I saw it, I could not help but to laugh at the acting and story. I still think it's probably the worst thing I have ever seen, and yes I have seen the Kimmy Schmidt "Choose your own adventure" episode.

 

This is a great metaphor for the expectations v. the reality of the Twins season. Though, honestly, that film is so bad, I would prefer to watch the Twins even if they were losing big. The Twins have yet to lay an egg as bad as Twister, so at least we have that! Heck, I don't think it's even possible for a baseball team to be as bad as that movie. I just can't imagine a 0-162 team being more painful to watch than Twister.

[Platoon]

The similarities  between watching Twister and the Twins, besides the only slight differences in spelling and the fact that both are disasters, is that they both include a cow. In Twister the tornado ends up having the cow. Watching the Twins, you end up having a cow! 

[Platoon]

 

Thank you, Minnesota, for loosening these restrictions.

 

Twister is a good choice for this article. Everyone thought that movie was great when it came out. You have to see it, everyone said, it's so awesome, such wonderful special effects. When I saw it, I could not help but to laugh at the acting and story. I still think it's probably the worst thing I have ever seen, and yes I have seen the Kimmy Schmidt "Choose your own adventure" episode.

 

This is a great metaphor for the expectations v. the reality of the Twins season. Though, honestly, that film is so bad, I would prefer to watch the Twins even if they were losing big. The Twins have yet to lay an egg as bad as Twister, so at least we have that! Heck, I don't think it's even possible for a baseball team to be as bad as that movie. I just can't imagine a 0-162 team being more painful to watch than Twister.

On the other hand, the board game by the same name has some correlation to Rocco’s attempts to explain some of his bizarre in game moves. In both instances, it’s really a stretch! 

[Aerodeliria]

 

Also, if you are in the bleachers over left, center or right field (or the Plaza) when the bullpen is ptching, a helmet is not required but recommended

We used to joke about this when the Twins brought in Mike Marshall or Ron Davis in for save opportunities. We were always out in the left field cheap seats.

[strumdatjaguar]

I’d add “in his Twins prime” Mike Marshall to this relief staff in a heartbeat. He received Cy Young votes in his first two years here. Ron Davis is another matter (he had a nice year as a set up guy for the Yankees before coming here).