Article: Game Thread: Twins @ Braves, 8/16 @ 6:10pm CT

[Riverbrian]

There are two teams and two teams only with winning percentages under .400. Normally, if you wanted to watch both of them live at the same time… it would be impossible because you can’t be in two places at once. However, for the next two days… the universe opens up and makes it possible. You can watch the Braves and Twins… at the same time and same location.

I don’t have to tell any of you how special this match-up is. The two worst records in baseball… two opponents that rarely face each other… and the final trip to Fulton County Stadium because a new stadium is set to open up next year in Atlanta. The confluence of events that must align in order for all of this to happen… may never be seen again.

This two-game series is a rare rare thing and it must be appreciated.

Here are some things to think about:

 

1. Bigfoot Sightings – Sightings of Bigfoot are very rare and photos are mostly blurry. A few years back I decided to go out and try to find one, to prove once and for all the existence of these creatures. I started at Walmart because that seemed like a natural place to start. I found a few people that looked like possibilities for a while but in the end I had to pack up and move out to a nearby forest to continue my search. It was there that I saw a large, hairy creature walking on two legs toward me. It was about 9 feet tall… large eyes with a low set forehead. It had an incredibly powerful smell that got stronger as it got closer. I grabbed my camera and got ready to shoot some photos when I noticed that both of his feet were extremely large. Once I realized that both feet were of equal size… I then knew that it wasn’t a Bigfoot… it was a Bigfeet and the whole experience was a waste of time.

2. Alien Abductions – There are many reports of people being abducted by aliens but after extensive research it has been determined that this type of abduction is a rare occurrence. If you are worried about such things… there are a few things that you can do to avoid being abducted by aliens:
  1. Stay in the house and never leave.
  2. If you must go out… cover yourself in honey and walk backwards.
  3. If you run into aliens… pretend to not understand what they are saying and they will leave you alone in frustration.

3. Vending Machine falling on you – According to statistics… only two people a year are killed by vending machines in the United States. This makes this a fairly rare occurrence. You know how it works… you want a Milky Way and you put in your money and you push G5 and the thing spins around and stops while the Milky Way hangs on the edge. You have a few choices at this point:
  1. Pay for the product again to make it spin around some more.
  2. Go find someone with a key and a heart.
  3. Walk away and go without.
  4. Take a baseball bat to the glass and grab as many Milky Way’s as you want.
  5. Rock the machine back and forth until it falls over on you and kills you.
Option 5 is viable but you should know that it is possible that someone will walk past your body and say "Hey Look... a Free Milky Way".

4. Winning the Lottery – We can all dream… right? You buy that lottery ticket with the hope that those numbers will come up and you can spend your life financially set. Whenever the jackpot reaches record levels, the excitement ramps up and the lines to buy tickets increase. Yep… a 500 million dollar jackpot will cause people to run to the convenience store and buy a ticket. A 32 million dollar jackpot… no lines at all… It’s simply not enough money to be worth the effort of putting on pants to leave the house.

5. Hole in One – In the sport of golf these are celebrated events. If you get one… you’ll get your name in the paper along with those who witnessed it. I have never done it and I have never seen anyone else do it either.

(True Story) However… at age 22… I did pull off a double eagle and I’ve been told that is even rarer than a hole in one but I didn't get my name in the paper so it didn't feel as rare. Even rarer still was the 50-yard shot that I made. It was hole #18 and my short game had been (chipping over the green) frustrating me all day. I was 50 yards out… sitting at 98 strokes and I was pissed because I knew my score was going to be triple digits. I put my wedge back in the bag because I just couldn’t go through that again and I grabbed my putter. My friend said “What the hell are you doing?” I told him, "I don’t care anymore... I’m not swinging that wedge ever again… I’m just gonna putt my way in and go home." My friend looked around to see if anyone was watching because he wanted to know how embarrassed he should be. AND YES!!! I drained it from 50 yards with a putter for a final score of 99. My friend shook his head and said “Can I have your wedge if you aren’t going to use it anymore.” (True Story)

I had a witness and that should have made the paper.
____________________

Lineups:

TWINS
Brian Dozier [R] 2B
Jorge Polanco SS
Joe Mauer [L] 1B
Trevor Plouffe [R] 3B
Max Kepler [L] RF
Kurt Suzuki [R] C
Eddie Rosario [L] CF
Robbie Grossman LF
Ervin Santana [R] P

BRAVES
Ender Inciarte [L] CF
Erick Aybar SS
Freddie Freeman [L] 1B
Matt Kemp [R] LF
Nick Markakis [L] RF
Adonis Garcia [R] 3B
Jace Peterson [L] 2B
A.J. Pierzynski [L] C
Joel De La Cruz P

Forecast: partly cloudy, 88 (94) deg F, 15-30% chance of rain, winds from the SSW at 6mph

Go Twins!

Click here to view the article

[Craig Arko]

As we all know, messing with Sasquatch never ends well.

[big dog]

My understanding is that on other planets, the term "alien abductions" refers to us capturing their tourists.  Scares about this have affected people's travel plans but at least it keeps our restaurants from being so crowded.  Plus we don't have to worry about interstellar exchange rates when they try to pay.

[twinsnorth49]

The ol' Texas wedge, I know it well    .

[Platoon]

This is truly a battle of Epic Proportions. ( I really don't think so, I just love the term) If this was the Red Sox, and Yankees ESPN would be all over it! They would drag out the cliche encyclopedia and rain down superlatives on our heads..... Someone might even intone, 'And we'll (sadly) see you tomorrow night'. But alas, it's the lowly Twins and Braves, leaving only rural America to care, or more likely not care!

[Platoon]

Despite RB's assertion, alien abductions are not that rare. I was taken in late May while driving a lonely gravel road at one am on a moonless night. Like many I was to be used as a science experiment. As they were strapping me to the table and readying the probe, I asked what they were looking for? "We are attempting to ascertain the abilities of the human levels of patience, intelligence, and the ability to withstand pain and suffering"? Wow, I said! That's quite a project! How long will this take? Will I be home in time to watch the Twins game? All I remember after that is the head alein shaking his head, and mumbling something about. "There's nothing to learn here" and I woke up in my Ford Bronco, just east of Faith SD! I know many will doubt this tale, and I can't remember the exact date, but I do remember it was a night the Twins lost!

[Vanimal46]

 

Despite RB's assertion, alien abductions are not that rare. I was taken in late May while driving a lonely gravel road at one am on a moonless night. Like many I was to be used as a science experiment. As they were strapping me to the table and readying the probe, I asked what they were looking for? "We are attempting to ascertain the abilities of the human levels of patience, intelligence, and the ability to withstand pain and suffering"? Wow, I said! That's quite a project! How long will this take? Will I be home in time to watch the Twins game? All I remember after that is the head alein shaking his head, and mumbling something about. "There's nothing to learn here" and I woke up in my Ford Bronco, just east of Faith SD! I know many will doubt this tale, and I can't remember the exact date, but I do remember it was a night the Twins lost!

I have also heard that aliens abducted Alex Meyer and returned him promptly when it was announced he was traded to the Angels! Can you confirm or deny seeing him in the space ship?

Edited August 16, 2016 by Vanimal46

[Craig Arko]

[Vanimal46]

 

As we all know, messing with Sasquatch never ends well.

My favorite messing with Sasquatch commercial... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=27&v=LTuoR04pquQ

[Platoon]

I have also heard that aliens abducted Alex Meyer and returned him promptly when it was announced he was traded to the Angels! Can you confirm or deny seeing him in the space ship?

I spent most of my time strapped face down on the table. (I still don't know what they intended to learn in that position), but I did hear them talking about two subjects they had abducted a couple weeks ago. One was a taller guy who they picked up first. Later they captured a early 60's bald guy, out for a ride on his HD. Everything apparently was fine until they put the bald guy in a cage next to the tall guy! The bald guy went bats*^t crazy. They couldn't keep both of them, so they dropped the tall guy off in So. Cal. They kept the bald guy. It sounded like they hadn't gotten any info out of him yet, he just sits in the corner of his cage muttering "pitch to contact" and "metrics my ass" or something like that. English is a second language to aliens!

[Vanimal46]

 

I spent most of my time strapped face down on the table. (I still don't know what they intended to learn in that position), but I did hear them talking about two subjects they had abducted a couple weeks ago. One was a taller guy who they picked up first. Later they captured a early 60's bald guy, out for a ride on his HD. Everything apparently was fine until they put the bald guy in a cage next to the tall guy! The bald guy went bats*^t crazy. They couldn't keep both of them, so they dropped the tall guy off in So. Cal. They kept the bald guy. It sounded like they hadn't gotten any info out of him yet, he just sits in the corner of his cage muttering "pitch to contact" and "metrics my ass" or something like that. English is a second language to aliens!

Hmm, VERY interesting... It almost sounds like the taller guy and the bald guy in his 60's were fighting about something... Maybe fighting about where he should be playing and what his role is on a pitching rotation? 

Either way this is fascinating! And only the kind of reporting you'll hear on Twins Daily! This is way too controversial for Reusse or Souhan to report... 

[Vanimal46]

The ol' Texas wedge, I know it well .

Plenty of times this summer where the ol' Texas wedge has worked out much better than the 60 degree wedge. I endorse this move.

[gocgo]

 

Despite RB's assertion, alien abductions are not that rare. I was taken in late May while driving a lonely gravel road at one am on a moonless night. Like many I was to be used as a science experiment. As they were strapping me to the table and readying the probe, I asked what they were looking for? "We are attempting to ascertain the abilities of the human levels of patience, intelligence, and the ability to withstand pain and suffering"? Wow, I said! That's quite a project! How long will this take? Will I be home in time to watch the Twins game? All I remember after that is the head alein shaking his head, and mumbling something about. "There's nothing to learn here" and I woke up in my Ford Bronco, just east of Faith SD! I know many will doubt this tale, and I can't remember the exact date, but I do remember it was a night the Twins lost!

....and that also answered the question about your ability to withstand pain and suffering.

Edited August 16, 2016 by gocgo

[Vanimal46]

 

The ol' Texas wedge, I know it well    .

This will indicate if you're a true Canadian, North. Are you a right handed or left handed golfer? 

[Platoon]

Hmm, VERY interesting... It almost sounds like the taller guy and the bald guy in his 60's were fighting about something... Maybe fighting about where he should be playing and what his role is on a pitching rotation? 

Either way this is fascinating! And only the kind of reporting you'll hear on Twins Daily! This is way too controversial for Reusse or Souhan to report...

 

I had called in to the Whine Line to tell this story from the phone booth in Faith, but I was put on hold for so long the temp in the booth reached epic proportions, and I ran out of quarters! The least the Whine Line could do is have a toll free number!

[Vanimal46]

 

I had called in to the Whine Line to tell this story from the phone booth in Faith, but I was put on hold for so long the temp in the booth reached epic proportions, and I ran out of quarters! The least the Whine Line could do is have a toll free number!

Ask and you shall receive, Platoon! We now have a toll free number to call! 1-800 WHINE2US

[Platoon]

Ask and you shall receive, Platoon! We now have a toll free number to call! 1-800 WHINE2US

I called, and someone with an accent, who claimed his name was Benjamin, offered to sell me 165 Viagra pills for only $239 plus of course S/H! When I asked if this could be a monthly recurring shipment, he hung up on me!

[twinsnorth49]

 

This will indicate if you're a true Canadian, North. Are you a right handed or left handed golfer? 

Left, naturally.

[Vanimal46]

 

Left, naturally.

It's confirmed, you're a true Canadian! Always put your dominant hand on top of the hockey stick or golf club. 

[twinsnorth49]

 

It's confirmed, you're a true Canadian! Always put your dominant hand on top of the hockey stick or golf club. 

[diehardtwinsfan]

Pretty sure I'd get mistaken for a  big foot if I took my shirt off at Walmart... though I might be a bit too short for it.  Is there such a think as a little big foot?

[Platoon]

Pretty sure I'd get mistaken for a  big foot if I took my shirt off at Walmart... though I might be a bit too short for it.  Is there such a think as a little big foot?

Isn't that where Custers scout miscounted the Native Americans? Little known fact, that scout lived, and ended up scouting the Far East for the Twins!

[Craig Arko]

Isn't that where Custers scout miscounted the Native Americans? Little known fact, that scout lived, and ended up scouting the Far East for the Twins!

Dustin Hoffman.

[diehardtwinsfan]

 

Isn't that where Custers scout miscounted the Native Americans? Little known fact, that scout lived, and ended up scouting the Far East for the Twins!

Little big horn, little big foot... close enough I say. 

[twinsnorth49]

Dustin Hoffman.

Dustin Hoffman has big feet?

 

Who knew.

[Craig Arko]

 

Dustin Hoffman has big feet?

Who knew.

Meryl Streep.

[Teflon]

The Braves announced that this weekend, as part of their year-long farewell commemorations before relocating to Cobb County, they will be staging a historic reenactment of Sid Bream's mad dash home to score the winning run in game 7 of the 1992 NLCS. It's scheduled to get underway Saturday at 7 pm and to conclude tentatively at noon on Sunday.

[twinsnorth49]

 

Meryl Streep.

Or maybe Barbara Streisand?

[Craig Arko]

 

Or maybe Barbara Streisand?

Possibly even Robin Williams.

[gocgo]

 

The Braves announced that this weekend, as part of their year-long farewell commemorations before relocating to Cobb County, they will be staging a historic reenactment of Sid Bream's mad dash home to score the winning run in game 7 of the 1992 NLCS. It's scheduled to get underway Saturday at 7 pm and to conclude tentatively at noon on Sunday.

When we closed the Metrodome, didn't we reenact Hrbek lifting Ron Gant's foot off the bag at first?...maybe I just made that up.