Article: Feelin' Royally Screwed -- Twins-Royals Recap

Download attachment: Cuddyer_Michael_US_Batting_720.jpg Salem’s Lot (Twins 3 Royals 0 - Game 54)

I started my day with a run. My Michael Cuddyer shirsey kept me company.

It’s funny how sturdy a fan’s heart is. After the announcement a beloved player will no longer be a Minnesota Twin, grief sets in. Then, when the season rolls around, you’re cheering for the players still in the dugout and you only pout when you hear former Twins’ names on highlight reels.

Sorta like breaking up with the person you kissed at summer camp.

I don’t go to summer camp anymore. I watch the Twins play the Royals, because at a certain point it seems like all the Twins do is play the Royals.

Since their collapse from greatness, the Royals are the screwed-up cousin at the AL Central family picnic. Nobody wants to be them.

Which is why it hurts that they’ve been spanking the Twins of late.

At least this night halted the skid. The Twins collected three runs early and then closed out the dance club coasting at that number. Job done.

Except. . .

Whispers around the country that baseball’s gonna suspend players associated with recent steroid allegations. Great. Now all my friends who don’t like baseball will be bitching about steroids for the next decade instead of appreciating the nuances of a game crafted with great focus and strategy.

I guess when you live in a country that produced the Salem Witch Trials, this is your lot in life.

Funny Jokes (Twins 1 Royals 4 - Game 55)

I missed the game, but my dad didn’t. He got to a Twins game at Kansas City before I could. I’m not saying I’m jealous, but his birthday is coming up and I’m giving him old socks and dirt.

It’s looking like misread this whole steroid scandal, too. It’s looking to be just another round of veiled threats and official statements.

I sure hope someone gets up on a high horse and talks about the kind of baseball the children of America truly deserve.

Great joke, right? If you’re an adult baseball fan, you ought to know that things happen because they’re likely, not because they ought to.

Baseball’s purity comes from our willingness to believe as children.

But you can wish like a child all you want. It won’t guarantee the slugger on the cusp of the Hall of Fame gets one more year before his knees give out. It doesn’t make a pitcher stop getting tired in inning seven of a no-hitter.

And no matter how much you pout, it doesn’t get you free tickets and airfare to Twins away games.

KC and the New Royal Basement Revue (Twins 3 Royals 7 - Game 56)

My beloved Twins found a way to lose in KC yet again.

Royal loyalists have to be thrilled to see the Twins acting like perennial AL Central basement dwellers.

At least it didn’t matter too much tonight, as the MLB draft gave us a nice distraction. As predicted, the Twins took pitcher Kohl Stewart in the first round.

Like many fans, I’m behind on my research. Therefore, I must submit Kohl Stewart to the name test. Does he have a cool sounding name? Will it look good autographed on a baseball? Can I imagine the Target Field PA announcing it in familiar baseball fashion?

I am proud to say that, using these well-honed criteria, the Twins picked well.

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